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Hi...its been awhile since i have posted last...I have a sponsor that I will be talking too however the last couple days between work and my AH i have been feeling like i am a kid again. Its like I am being talked to either that i don't know my job (like a mom would talk) or that i didn't do something (like put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll). I am really tired of it because last i checked i am an adult. I am not perfect but I don't deserve to be talked to like I am a kid especially from my husband. It is making me feel depressed. I am learning about myself in regards to how i want to be treated or talked too but this disease it messing with my thoughts. I am going to a meeting tonight with hopes that helps. My husband always says things to make me feel bad or less than and i am getting resentful now. Aggghhhhh.....
Hi Godsdaughter. I've been where you are. My A kept verbal and emotional abuse going which stripped me of any self-esteem I had. I felt confident at work but garbage at home-I was treated poorly while being told I was crazy. And I started feeling that way too. I just hit my 5th anniversary in alanon. I am so much better off now. I know I deserve to be treated with respect and I have so many tools and people at my side that I resigned from the doormat club. My spouse hates how strong I have become, and things are not perfect, but I can care about myself now and focus on me, as I never could before. Expose yourself to as many alanon-related activities and people as you can, and you can begin healing. Progress not perfection, one day at a time, Lyne
Many of us have been in that same situation, and have felt the same way. In alanon, we learn...that we do NOT have to acceptable behavior. Through this program, today, I am happy and healthy...and I do not accept unacceptable behavior.
We also learn how this disease doesn't have to and shouldn't "mess with our thoughts" or out thinking, health, well-being, and so much more.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I am sooo glad you reached out on the boards. Welcome back and congrats for doing self care for yourself.
In my observation of my own healing I realized how much power I gave away to my XAH in terms of my self esteem. When I learned to stand in my own truth regardless of what my X said or didn't say it helped me a great deal to realize that this was his way of making me feel less than so he felt better about himself. So it was all about him and nothing about me because just like you stated .. nope .. not perfect .. not trying to be .. I'm trying to be my best self .. I don't need to buy into or feed whatever is going on with the other person.
Glad you are here, hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey there GD - I hope you made it to the meeting and that you found some fellowship and support on a local level. I was amazed and dumbstruck when someone in Al-Anon suggested that I had the power to choose to take things personally or not AND that the words, attitudes, etc. of another have nothing to do with me - it's about them always.
I too had to learn that reacting to the insanity of another was not a healthy response. Establishing boundaries and detaching from chaos/drama were great tools for my situation. I no longer had to consider if what was happening was acceptable or not - if I was uncomfortable in any way, I was empowered to excuse myself from the situation to take a pause and consider what (if any) response was needed.
Amazing things happened around here - when I focused on me and my recovery and stopped giving my power away, my A(s) were uncertain what to do as change is not comfortable for them either. When I stopped participating in the insanity, they had to find other ways to build themselves up, entertain themselves, etc. JADE was a great tool for me - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain....marvelously simple.
We all deserve the be treated with dignity and respect. Unfortunately, we don't all define that the same way and then with this disease, everything get's distorted - what is said, received, etc. is magnified, distorted and ineffective on both sides. Practice, practice, practice and remember always - One Day at a Time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too Can Relate to the Verbal abuse, and the Let downs, and the feeling less then and finding myself clawing my way out of the ditch I felt I was Always Pushed in when it came to my A's...
Face to Face Meetings Saved me So Many Times, Surrounding myself with Al-Anon Friends, and Picking up my Phone and Calling my Program Friends, Coming here and Reaching out for Support have Truly Given me the Strength to know that I am Worth more then the Scum on the bottom of their Shoes... Al-Anon Taught me that When I'm Being "Belittled" but ANYONE... I have a Choice... I Can Stay and Put up with it, OR... I Can Vote with my Feet, and Return When they have Respect... Sometimes that one saved me more then once... I was Shocked that just Walking out of a Room, without "Giving the Last Word, or Flipping Out" but just Leaving the Room... and Letting them say whatever they wanted... Because It Took some time in Recovery for Me to Realize... "What Others Think of ME... is None of my Business!" and that Includes my AH...
We All have Bad Days, We all have Moments of Weakness, and Moments where the Slightest Insult can Send us Spinning, but what I have Learned here is I too and One of "Godsdaughters" and In Being so, My HP Has My Back... And HP Has Slowly Taught me to "Not take it Personal!" Its their Disease, and Even if I Do love them, I don't have to Accept Unacceptable behavior from them, any more then I would from my Children... Because I AM WORTH RESPECT :) and So Are YOU...
