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Every week I leave my house on Thursday and return on Monday evening. Every week itās the same thing, AH is in my bed drunk eating while Iām gone; he has his own room and bath which he has destroyed. He is a complete pig. His tub and toilet are black with mold and god knows what else and have been that way for over a year. His room smells of bed wetting and year old dirty laundry. The house reeks. If I wipe down a surface he drunk eats over it, leaving syrup, jelly, wrappers, etc., and NEVER cleans it up even when asked. I clean my room and bath only to return home to find it trashed with food and everything knocked to the floor because he canāt walk a straight line. I HATE coming back to this house and am beyond depressed every time I have to come back. Iāve asked, and pleaded but I get nothing but the same. Step one says that I have no control, and that I should let him be himself, well thatās great but try living in this kind of filth and you will find yourself frustrated, angry and resentful. Then there is the whole HP thing, well Iām angry at mine, if HP likes me so much, how did I end up broke, behind on every bill, with no insurance, and with a work related injury that Iām too terrified to report because my meaning low paying job is the only thing Iāve got at the moment? Iāve been doing f2f meetings for almost 2 years and feel like nothing has improved. Anyone else out there been angry at HP or Alanon?
Welcome. Step one says you are powerless...your life has become unmanageable...and it is about acceptance. Now, that doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior. I understand how you feel and what you are going through. While I didn't have to face what you are facing to that degree -- the anger, resentment, and the frustration is still there, all the same. It is very common to feel those things. As a newcomer, I can't say I was angry at my HP or alanon, but I was angry. I didn't have a strong connection to my HP in a program way. I believed in God, very much so. Not up for discussion as far as I was concerned. However, from a program perspective, I didn't have a strong connection with my HP. For me, my HP was the group, the meetings. I was angry at a few people -- people who were happy, laughing, etc., because I was sitting there crying and in pain. But that was misplaced anger. It was mistaken anger.
If you are going to f2f meetings -- you are in the right place. Have you gotten a sponsor? Have you started to work the program and/or work the steps? It works if you work it. That's when recovery really kicked in for me. What changes have you made? Alanon is about you -- your change, your behavior, your thinking, your actions, reactions, etc. It is not up to alanon or your HP...in my experience...it is up to you. Your HP can guide you, with an invisible hand, spiritually, in whatever way you connect to your HP...but it's your job to take action on it.
Now, I am not one to speak to or about your HP, liking you, vis a vis your situation, and all that...but I will share my experience. I never found or thought alanon and/or my HP was going to "do for me" so to speak. I never expected that. I didn't think my HP would do -- any of the things that needed to be done -- for me. And alanon doesn't tell me that either, and neither do the steps. For example, Step 11 says..."Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Knowledge of his will...and the power to carry that out. I want knowledge of his will...and I want the power to carry that out. Me, to carry that out. Not my HP. Me.
I looked at alanon, and my HP as giving me knowledge, tools, resources, and more...and then it was my job to do it. Do what? Well, change, take action, make decisions, and more. Just my experience and perspective. Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Sounds like your living in heÄŗl to me with a naughty 3 yr old. The question to work on is why you are accepting unacceptable behaviour. It was learning the answer that set me free and it was alanon that took me to the truth. I accepted it because alcoholism had warped my thinking and I didn't even know it. So I became a martyr and I thought it was love. I was full of anger and self pity and justified it for years. Until I looked at me honestly through alanon notging changed and my alcoholics continued to be my scapegoat. Your not alone and freedom is very close if your willing .
Lord, I could've wrote that post!! In fact I got these weird, goosebump thingies all over as I read it! I was living THAT. Except I couldn't get away from it at all. No separate room, no leaving the house for a few days for work. Constantly cleaning up the cr*p just so kid and I could live in a decent environment! It was SO exhausting!
I had to be on this site for about 6 months and I had to accept and understand "Nothing changes if nothing changes," before I could finally accept that I could not live that way any longer. I had to begin to think, and put value to what I wanted out of life.
At the time, it was the simple step of my AH constantly drunk eating in bed and ruining my really nice bed pillows (you know, the kind that are just for fluff & show - but were very expensive for me) that seemed to be the last straw for me... I had thought it odd and random. After a year of Al-Anon, I now understand the significance... he valued alcohol over me. Period. I had ceased to be his partner in life... his reason for being. His new mistress was alcohol.
I am starting over in my 50's. Literally. My parents are helping me, I went back to school for a better paying career. It has been the most humbling experience of my life... but I would not trade it to go back to living THAT hell.
I was VERY angry at my HP for well over a year. In fact I could not move forward in the steps until I came to understand that I could use the MIP family and my F2F meetings as my HP. That is working for me at the moment. Also, I found that detachment was only a temporary fix for me. It took me a little while (and some ruined pillows) for me to realize that I could not live alongside this person and this environment.
I hope that you can find support and resources that can help you attain what YOU want out of life... b/c you are SO WORTH IT!!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 22nd of May 2018 01:48:13 AM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 22nd of May 2018 01:50:44 AM
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((Groo)) I do so understand This is indeed an un acceptable living arrangement. As has been stated Step One states that we are powerless over alcohol and in the Second Step we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I thought that the Second Step meant that HP would fix all my problems and make me happy. if I simply kept showing up-- NOT so
Being restored to sanity for me meant that my old destructive attitudes Had to change, so that I could use the courage, and wisdom supplied by the program and HP. The 11th Step suggests that we pray for HP's will and the power to carry it out . Please pray for guidance and trust the process
(((Groo))) - I too can relate and I am sorry for the anger, anxiety, frustration, etc. it's causing. I remember that it seemed as if my car would slow down the closer I got to my house. It took me a while in recovery to find the courage to change that which I can. I ended up putting a lock on my room as well as other areas of the house that were off-limits to the destructive behaviors and attitudes caused by the disease and diseased.
Leaning into the program gave me many choices and the Serenity Prayer was my gospel over and over and over again. You are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((groo))) everyone had such great shares. My HP used Alanon to literally save my life. I was frozen in anger, resentments and fear. I don't think I've ever worked so hard and fast on anything before as I did on my steps. I wanted to see what my part was, what I needed to change and how to get out of the horrible trapped feelings I was in. My whole life was crashing down around me and the lack of boundarys and the anger I had took a huge physical toll on me.
It worked and my life has changed so much. I'm so grateful but I also learned in this, that it's a continual process that I have to keep working on. What is acceptable? My mind gets too cluttered all by myself to see what is and what is not. That is the beauty of this fellowship. I can see through others shares and apply it to myself. I find I can "relapse" back into the trap of my thinking when I don't show up and so forth. I love IAH's locks on the doors!!!
I hope you keep coming back. It really does work!
I apologize that I didnāt get back to this sooner. I wanted some time to digest what Iāve read here, and then life got in the way. Thank you all so much for your ESH, Iām feeling better this morning. No I donāt have a sponsor, our group is led by one person who has worked the steps, it is small, and none of us are able to sponsor because we have not worked the steps. Honestly, I could go to a different meeting, but it would put me getting home after 9PM and Iām lazy and tired, and insert excuses here.
I have started praying, āHP make me willing.ā Then again Iāve also asked HP to save my marriage, and to send a job that pays a living wage with health insurance. Iāve been told ask and you shall receive. I feel lied to and betrayed. I canāt leave because Iām financially dependent on him and it would render us both homeless, not that he isnāt doing his best to do that anyways, and without any assets. Iāve been wanting to put a lock on the bedroom door, but he broke the frame a couple of years ago.
As for my attitude, yes it sucks. I feel trapped, and like every solution sucks. I donāt trust HP to make anything good happen, when there has been so many bad things. How do u trust a HP that allows so many horrible things happen? I am blocked by my own thinking, and then I get angry. Last night I was reminded to ālet go and let Godā but I canāt. Things just keep getting worse, horrible things just keep happening, losses are piling up. So back to square one. God make me willing.
((Groo)) I hear you and have been in a similar situation many years ago. I discovered that praying for "my will to be done" did not work -- instead I needed to surrender, accept life on life's terms and ask the Universe to disclose HP's will to me and provide the power to carry it out . Step 11. When I did this doors opened and my life improved Keep an open mind, know you are not alone and that one day at a time life changes and that HP does have a plan.
In retrospect, I see that I had much to learn about living life and the tools I developed when dealing with the insanity of the diseases(such as patience, detachment, taking care of myself and not giving my power away) all have served me well in my new found freedom.
Please do keep coming back We have on line meetings in the chat room 2xs a day and a Step work Board with suggestions on working the Steps . There is help and hope
I feel for your frustration, anger, and your situation. I appreciate the praying and asking element here. However, in my experience it is more than that. Much more. While I mean no offense, and I don't mean to trivialize -- what part of this is your job? Pray and ask for a job? But do you look? Look hard? Fallacious point, but my point is, pray is one action, but absent God's intervention -- directly -- you are the one who has to go look. You are the one who has to go get it. To make it happen. Ask and you shall receive is not five literal, stand-alone, myopic words that promise people just ask, and you'll get it.
In the steps, we ask God "for the power to carry that out" -- for the power, for us to have the power so that we can carry it out. Not have God do it for us. There's a difference. Look at you. Look at your role, both in the situation and in the solutions. Keep going to meetings. You will find answers, suggestions, guidance, solutions, ideas, options, and more. You are in an unacceptable and perhaps unsafe living situation. You've prayed, asked, etc. Now what can you do? Friends, family, shelter, something, anything? Keep looking until you find something. Anything.
Don't give up -- not on God, your HP, alanon, or yourself. Hang in there.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
While my situation was never that bad, I was in a marriage where I was financially dependent on my AH at the time. I used that as one of my excuses for staying. It wasn't until the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving that I was willing to make a change. It was risky. I hadn't worked at all for 16 years. I left 3.5 years ago and took a low paying job 6 months after I walked out and have been slowly building my job skills and credentials. I'm on my 4th job after leaving my XAH and I keep finding better opportunities as I move forward.
I still have debts, I'm almost 50 and probably won't have a comfortable retirement, lol, but I will have serenity and that's what matters most to me now. I really have nothing much else to add as I think everyone else covered it all so well. Hugs to you.
I'm going to create a new post just for you, my friend. Please read it when you get a chance.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Hotrod and Bo. I get that HP isnāt Santa. Iām not looking for a pity party, but Iāve had some pretty terrible things happen in the last 13 years. I put a lot of effort and time into my job search. I took some online classes to get certificates in basic things like computer skills, business writing, and resume best practices. I have a college degree; I thought I was marketable. Three months later and not one call or e-mail. I had to explain daily to AH that no one called, that I was doing my best. AH made sure to let me know that I could do better than what I was doing. I get it, I obviously suck at being marketable and My best isnāt good enough. So my HP and my apparently crap resume landed me this nowhere job, yay. I just canāt get past steps two and three.
(((Groo))) - I hear you and can relate. There have been moments in my life where I too felt as if I was in a hole, trying to climb out, and it really was 2 steps up and then three steps down again. I too was doing as much action as I could think of to get myself out of that hole and felt lonely and abandoned.
I was also very angry at God and did not understand what I had ever done to deserve 'this'...what really helped me was to stay focused on Step One for as long as necessary - I am powerless. My life is unmanageable. I also did not even consider God when I embraced Step 2 - I leaned heavily into the Al-Anon fellowship and the meetings. I did the same for Step 3 as I wasn't entirely ready to trust God, but was ready to trust something - my way was not working.
So - all I know is that in time, I did realize the facts that 'life' had happened and it hadn't been desired, fun or even remotely fair. Yet, what has happened did not have to define me going forward and I kept doing what was suggested - gratitude lists, asset lists, hang with positive fellowship people, and slowly my attitude changed followed by my outlook. I do believe the program carried me when I wasn't able to carry me.
We often say in recovery that this too shall pass. I've found this to be true for good moments as well as bad moments in life. My sponsor tells me to just keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. Sending you tons of prayers, hugs and support.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere and Hotrod. I appreciate the ESH. I am sure that all of this resistance, anger, and foolishness is some warped pattern Iāve got going on. As for the HP thing, Iām gonna call it a lost cause for now. Iāve dug my heels in on that one and it feels like the more I try to let up the angrier I get. Thereās too much bad blood between us lol.
While my situation was never that bad, I was in a marriage where I was financially dependent on my AH at the time. I used that as one of my excuses for staying. It wasn't until the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving that I was willing to make a change. It was risky. I hadn't worked at all for 16 years. I left 3.5 years ago and took a low paying job 6 months after I walked out and have been slowly building my job skills and credentials. I'm on my 4th job after leaving my XAH and I keep finding better opportunities as I move forward.
I still have debts, I'm almost 50 and probably won't have a comfortable retirement, lol, but I will have serenity and that's what matters most to me now. I really have nothing much else to add as I think everyone else covered it all so well. Hugs to you.
I'm going to create a new post just for you, my friend. Please read it when you get a chance.
What an excellent post. This is inspirational to people. I am in the wealth management industry, and my most successful hires and staff are people just like you! I think you and this post are the perfect example for people who are struggling, in similar situations, etc. The way things worked out in the short-term, and progress, improvement in your situation occurred -- the same will happen with regard to your debts and retirement, and they too will improve and see progress. One day at a time. Journey, not destination.
My own personal situation was very different, and I was never dependent upon my AW. However, while I specialize in wealth management, and I was the monied spouse, my own situation, coupled with external circumstances, made my situation, relatively, extremely difficult. Setting aside the emotional well-being, my health, mental state, etc. -- financially, my situation was decimating. It's all relative. More assets, more debt, LOL. More assets, more expenses, LOL. And so on.
Thank you so very much for this post.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you Hotrod and Bo. I get that HP isnāt Santa. Iām not looking for a pity party, but Iāve had some pretty terrible things happen in the last 13 years. I put a lot of effort and time into my job search. I took some online classes to get certificates in basic things like computer skills, business writing, and resume best practices. I have a college degree; I thought I was marketable. Three months later and not one call or e-mail. I had to explain daily to AH that no one called, that I was doing my best. AH made sure to let me know that I could do better than what I was doing. I get it, I obviously suck at being marketable and My best isnāt good enough. So my HP and my apparently crap resume landed me this nowhere job, yay. I just canāt get past steps two and three.
I hear you Groo. I get it. I am sure your efforts have been nothing short of 100%. In the short-term, it is very hard to connect the two dots of effort and HP, God, and the results. That's a long-term relationship. Luck? Sure, it happens. The so called God-sent, sure, it happens. However, for the most part, it's an every single day, day after day, and we just keep going until we get through. It's going through the jungle. I don't know if you are half-way through, or just a few steps from the end. As you are going through it -- it is sometimes so dense, so thick, you just can't see anything beyond the next few feet in front of you. Just keep going.
Also, with regard to your AH and what he makes sure to let you know...I hear you. I know that's a very painful occurrence. It can be devastating. It can be progressive. And, for me, it was belittling, demeaning, and debilitating. That's where you work the program and lean on your program. Step One!!! Learn to let go. Learn to not let your buttons be available to be pushed. In reality -- it doesn't matter what he says! He is not well. He is sick. Don't let his words and actions dictate who you are and how you feel about you. Outward thinking in -- and you know the truth. Just because he says the grass is red, certainly doesn't mean the grass is red.
Keep going back (to face to face meetings).
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you Hotrod and Bo. I get that HP isnāt Santa. Iām not looking for a pity party, but Iāve had some pretty terrible things happen in the last 13 years. I put a lot of effort and time into my job search. I took some online classes to get certificates in basic things like computer skills, business writing, and resume best practices. I have a college degree; I thought I was marketable. Three months later and not one call or e-mail. I had to explain daily to AH that no one called, that I was doing my best. AH made sure to let me know that I could do better than what I was doing. I get it, I obviously suck at being marketable and My best isnāt good enough. So my HP and my apparently crap resume landed me this nowhere job, yay. I just canāt get past steps two and three.
Also, talk to your sponsor...and consider holding off on Step 2 and 3...and going back, and immersing yourself in Step One...acceptance, acceptance, and acceptance. Apply acceptance to everything you are facing. Acceptance, powerlessness, and don't fight it. Accept you feel the way you feel. Surrender to it. And then look to let it go. That's what worked for me. It was a lot of work, all in Step One. By the time I was done, it was one year...but the struggles, trials, tribulations, etc., that got resolved were countless. It was not limited to just me accepting a bunch of stuff. The solutions and the benefits were exponential.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Groo when I entered program I too was angry with the god of my Understanding and did not want to embrace the spiritual concepts of the program. My sponsor saw how I readily implemented the Alanon tools and suggested that i embrace the Alanon program, the principles and tool as my HP, since I could see how powerful they were. I did and it worked well. I knew as long as I was willing to show up use the tools and share I would grow and change and i did
No I donāt have a sponsor; my home group is small, and the only person who has worked the steps is the person who started the group two years ago. I live in the Greater New Orleans area, (GNO for short), so there are other meetings available, itās just A pain in the rear getting to those other places. I started looking at other meetings and see a couple of possibilities. A year and a half ago four family members, were killed by the daughter,s ex. Iāve lost my home, career, and community due to Katrina. I lost three people in that storm, and like the murders, they werenāt easy or comfortable deaths. Iām not just angry with HP over having my life ruined with alcoholism, Iām angry because it keeps happening over and over and over, and Iām tired of everything feeling so damn hopeless this week. Ok yāall Iām done whining, I just wanted yāall to know I appreciate the help and support. I will make it my business to find, and attend another meeting this next week.
Groo - good on you for making a plan to attend a second meeting. I am so sorry to hear of all your loss and that's way too much for anyone. It's understandable why you're angry and overwhelmed....I hope you can be gentle with you, and feel the support from MIP members. None of us walk in another's shoes, so seeking to understand is about as good as I can do.
I do believe that there is hope and help in recovery for everyone! It was very helpful for me to get phone numbers when I first arrived - I used them when I felt overwhelmed, alone, fearful, etc. We each get to work recovery at our own pace - I do believe the more I put into 'it', the more blessed I am.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
