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Post Info TOPIC: Sick to my stomach


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Sick to my stomach


at the thought of going into work tomorrow. By the end of Friday, my new supervisor had just found more creative ways to psychologically harrass me. She is also continuing to put me down without actually directly attacking me. Somehow she found a way to take something completely innocent I had said, "I have to put my timecard through because that's why I come to work for a pay check." She took the opportunity to take a jab at me by pretending to take it literally. She made a snide comment that my dedication to the work would increase and equal hers once I'd been there for awhile. She doesn't know me. I'm beginning to see a pattern of her to telling me every day what I think. Remarks like I know you want this (even though I've stated no such thing), you are this or that (I am?), and my favorite "you are a lot more like me than you think." (have I even wondered?) I honestly don't know how to respond to these statements. When she isn't doing that, she is asking me why it's taking me time to complete a task that she gets done in half the time. Uhhh because I'm doing it for the first time and you just taught it to me an hour ago?? no 

I am really more concerned about her perceptions of what I am thinking because she supervises me and I don't want her perception of what I think to become false accusations where I find myself called into HR as her problem employee when in fact, she herself is the problem. I am trying to think of a response to put a stop to this sort of behavior. "You really don't know what I think, how I feel or what my feelings of dedication are," is what I'd like to say to her. I just don't know what is safe to say. I don't want to lose my job. I want the choice to leave to be mine and at a time that is best for me. 

Anyway, thanks for letting me share with you. I look forward to your sharings. TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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it sounds difficult TT. I think that I might say "I am so sorry that you believe that I feel that way and if I gave that impression i am sorry I truly enjoy working, love a new challenge, take time to process new information and am confident, intelligent and a self starter Validating yourself continually and not attempting to attack or judge her is important . the next step might be HR

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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TT - sometimes, we just have to consider the source and let it go. I agree with Betty - validate yourself and try to detach from the rest. I think I had to learn that using this program is way helpful beyond just the A in our lives. You know your truth, she's not worthy of giving away your power - just 'kill her with kindness' until you're trained so you can determine if you like the job.

I would seriously avoid any YOU statements ever. I have detached from many bad bosses without having any fear of losing the job. I do the work as best I can, and ignore the ego, drama or whatever trip they are having. A boss is to support, teach, lead the team not intimidate, infuriate or instigate. Some just don't know any better and have to be trained from the employees. Consider, if you can, what can you do to make the team better and see if you can't let go of her style. That serenity prayer is certainly helpful for me when I find myself 'stuck' in situations that feel unbearable - this sounds like one.

If you feel as if it is a hostile workplace and/or you are being harassed in any way, you have every right to engage HR. Only you can do that inventory and find the facts to help you with the next right thing. There are some warning lights I see - the personal search of you on google, inquiring about age - those both are invasion of privacy and possible discrimination - you do have every right to feel safe in your job/company.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.....breathe, breathe and breathe more - you got this!!



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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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OH goodness I am soo sorry TT .. that's not ok.

As a pro active thing if you are going to go to HR .. make sure you are documenting what's happening and dates and times. If she is that ignorant .. the company can pull her computer logs and see what she's been doing on her work computer. You aren't helpless in this situation .. I agree with both IAM and Betty about don't take it personally she has got some serious issues going on that are not about you.

In my years in the work force I have learned better to speak up for myself and make observations about what I see and keep it about me. The last 3 jobs I had before this one were awful .. and knowing what I know now .. I wouldn't stay as long as I did .. I thought I had to do though because I had no options. If it's a situation where I don't feel safe .. I take the lesson and figure out my next right thing. Prayer does wonders in that regard.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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(((tt))) The only thing I would add to all the great shares above is that documentation also gives you something "down on paper" to review when you get home. To keep things in context and not allow her the power to start questioning yourself. People like that can start introducing doubt in our minds when it's a close situation if we allow it. Be kind to you. That woman has major issues and very unhealthy boundaries!

Hugs!!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh Tude reminded me of something else too .. I think as about this .. it's kind of no different than dealing with an active alcoholic .. leaving isn't the automatic answer however continuing to put yourself through crazy without having strong boundaries and knowing what your own limit is. It's easy to jump leave and have regrets it's also easy to fall into the martyr yourself out because it is so miserable .. if no one knows there is an issue the what's going to change.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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TT-Serenity is right-it's just like dealing with an active alcoholic, so maybe if that make sense to you, you can have more peace of mind when dealing with this person. I had many abusive bosses, and fortunately was able to go into business for myself . Of course, that also has some down sides, but I had to find a way to cope long before I ever heard of Alanon. Lean on HP, ODAT, and remember we can only have control over ourselves. HR may be a good next step, Lyne

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Lyne

bud


~*Service Worker*~

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Amazing ESH .... sending positive thoughts.

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Senior Member

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You sure nailed that one Serenity! If I get over into my head without the program in any area.......those buggers can go into overdrive. I'm not in tt's situation but do know how my mind would be reacting even to much less a situation that she's dealing with.
Hugs!

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with Serenity. A few years ago I had to report my boss for being a bully and when I thought another co-worker would back me, I found out that they didn't want to put themselves on the line for me. It became my word against his. Although, the whole thing was awkward, I do have to say that he stayed away from me afterwards and was more professional. He knew I wouldn't' take his bullying. I also knew that I might have to find another job because of my actions, but I was willing to take that chance.

Hugs to you. Work stuff can be so precarious. Praying for the best case scenario for you!

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((((((((((TT)))))))))))) so sorry and this is NOT OK!!! this gal has serious issues...I like what Betty said and I agree with her...HR, but before you go to HR, document, document, I can't say it enough...been there..done that and my documenting everything was what turned the tide for me vs a supervisor i had looong time ago and the manager sided with me and told her to get off my ass or be transferred to another part of the company.....she left me be after that because I had asked the mgr., if we THREE could have a meeting...and I pulled out my documentation/diary and he was impressed with my attention to detail and disgusted at her attention in harrassing me and therefore slacking on the job...she is so busy slagging me, there was stuff she hadn't completed yet......you aren't helpless....and i like, also what Betty said about validating yourself......what others think is none of my business....and this gal has some serious issues IMO.....unhealthy witch to say the least...some folks out of jealousy or envy or what can be very vicious.....OH!!  another thing I did with my tormenter was to kill her with kindness w/out selling me out....that really rubbed her because she wanted a negative, stressful response from me and I never gave it to her....I would just smile at her, when she was particularly bitchy I woudl say  "OH L, I'm sorry you are having another bad day..I'll send you some smiles and happy thoughts"  and I would walk in the office (I worked in back as I was statistician with a guy co-worker and he hated her too)  anyway, when I had to go into their office, i would make it a point to say "Good morning L, I hope you had a nice weekend"  and I just absolutely killed her with kindness...you could see her grinding her teeth because she had NOTHING on me....AND I dotted my I's and crossed my T's...when it was time for me to courrier the work from us (refinery) to accounting and then on to main office, I made sure I documented my trip, what I used my trip money for (I had $$ given to me ea. time I did my run for gas, etc) and I got receipts and even got the Big man himself to sign my receipts that I did this and that , oh yea, she tried to say I was misusing the route money I was given till I showed the manager the receipts signed by the big boss, etc....so yea, she got busted and ordered by mgr. and the big guy at main office when he heard about it, to BACK off and leave me alone..........I did a very very good job there and was dependable and kind to my fellow workers so the majority was on my side.....I made sure I "CMA"  (covered my ass) when I did anyting....also I kept copies of work I had to give to them because i suspected she was "altering" some of my stat reports....she was horrible...



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Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



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Thanks (((everyone)))) for your support and wisdom. 

((Betty))) I especially like what you put in quotation marks. I would only change one thing. I would not include "I'm sorry." That would be fine when speaking with most people but I think this woman might interpret that as a sign of weakness. I very much love your affirming statement. "I truly enjoy working, love a new challenge, take time to process new information and am confident, intelligent and a self starter." What I like most about it is that it asserts confidence but a right not to have to know everything immediately.  I'm absolutely going to hold onto this. I'm pretty sure there will to be an opportunity to use this statement with my new supervisor. Thank you!

Thank you ((Iamhere)) So many great takeaways for me from your response. That's a wonderful definition of a good boss - A boss is to support, teach, lead the team not intimidate, infuriate or instigate. I'm guessing there'd be a lot more happy people in workplaces if more bosses behaved in this manner. But you're right, we can use Alanon tool, do the work and leave others stuff with them.Yes, I found the online search disturbing. As a result, I haven't even shared small personal things about myself with her. I have documented but am hoping it won't be necessary to take it further. 

Thanks (((serenityrus))) I appreciate the es&h you shared. I had a few jobs actually a series of them one after the other that were bad picks. I had undervalued my ability to land a good opportunity and had settled. I left them all within a few weeks time. I'd been doing contract work for a few years with a company when this job offer came about. If need be, I will leave this job. It won't make me happy to do so but I'm not about to force a solution just because I left a string of jobs in the past. With that said, as I learn the responsibilities of job I'm realizing that once I know how to perform the duties it will be a pretty nice job. I have no hope of her ever trusting me completely but I do have hope of some adjustment in her behavior as I am able to work more independently. Honestly, her negativity is hers to keep. However, abuse of any sort is not something I will put up with. I'm putting boundaries in place and she's becoming more and more aware of them each day. I don't respond to her sharings about her ex, her expressions of the physical pain she is feeling on any given day nor her coy questioning if something is "an ok thing to say" after she says it to me. I am changing the subject back to work walking away to do something. I won't engage, it's that simple. But I am paying attention And yes, prayer does help. I asked hp to be with me when came into work this morning. It was actually a good day. 

Thank you (((Tude))) I do think she was really making me nervous at first because of her bullying behavior. I was trying to learn but her behavior caused me to feel overwhelmed, panicky and unable to concentrate. It caused me to make even more mistakes than I would have had she left me on my own to figure things out for myself. I knew I wasn't responsible for her words or behaviors but the negative energy can make a person feel nervous and leave a person exhausted from dealing with a person like that. Confronting her, standing up for myself was right for me. It has cause her to be somewhat cautious now when interacting with me. Things are a bit better than they had been.

Thank you (((Lyne))) I think you're right. Alanon is a program for life not just to work with alcoholics in our lives. To me, behaviors are behaviors. I know I certainly have my share of unhealthy ones too. I can do what I can to establish healthy boundaries for myself and others by continuing work on myself, go about my day and take pride in my new accomplishments and offer gratitude to my hp. 

Thank you (((bud))) for the support and positive thoughts.

Thanks ((andrometer))) It's take courage to report your boss and I applaud you for doing so even when others deserted you. Sometimes the pain of staying in employee/supervisor relationship can be greater than moving on. It can be hard to be without a job but left in peace a person can regroup and find a better opportunity that offers them a chance to grow personally and professionally. I am taking things odaat and trying to keep an open mind about my current role, my supervisor and change. Thanks too for the hug. 

(((Rose))) thank you for sharing your experience with former boss. Sound like an ugly situation. It sounds like you handled things well under some very unpleasant circumstances. HP only knows what motivates others to target people with inappropriate behavior and words. Pffft! We don't have to wear their stuff. Sounds like killing your boss with kindness was a good tactic for you. For me... ermm not so much! With my supervisor, that would like poking a stick through an open wound in a bear. I am however keeping track of my work and what I AM doing correctly. Honestly, I don't like to go there but I'm not completely sure she wouldn't sabotage me just to say I'm making errors. I'm taking things day to day. It's been a bit of a push/pull dance but I do have the program and hp to lean on which is good.

(((Everyone))))) I am getting to know my new supervisor's personality and ways. I am trying to use my program and be open forgiveness and moving forward. One of my boundaries is respect for my privacy. I don't share my private life with her. She has stopped asking personal questions since my disappointment concerning her internet search of me. As soon as she arrived this morning and passed me, she asked how's it going? I cheerfully responded, "Good, how are you?" She answered, "You have an intense look on your face." I said, "Hmmm that's a quick assertion lol." She went on to her desk. Today she commented about someone else's job and how boring she believes it is. She then made a comparison to some work I am currently doing and that she thought that I am tired of doing it. I told her I have never said that I am tired of doing that work and added "You need to stop doing my thinking for me." She didn't respond and we went on to the next training. She pointed out what she believed to be errors in my work. When I tried to explain how I had approached the task, she cut me off saying she didn't understand. When I tried to respond, she told me to let her finish. I asserted myself and said to her that I had been speaking and not allowed to finish and if she would allow me to continue she might understand why I performed the task the way I had. She then listened and I explained clearly and she understood. I added that I did it as I had understood that she wanted it to be done. Additionally, I added that if she would like me to do it the other way, I will do it that way. She asked me to do it the way she does it. I said ok. Later, she called out from her cubicle that she was sorry for how she had acted. She said she was sorry to have spoken in such a tense way. She rationalized it but (not about me). I didn't respond. Typically, I am quick to forgive and forget. I thought it might be better just let it alone. I joked a bit with her later. It was work related and just very general silliness. I'm not gullible, not floating on pink puffy cloud but I want to keep an open mind. I'm guessing I'm not the first person to call her on her stuff. She may be trying. She said please and thank you to me all day and helped me without impatience all day today.

My sense is that I will always have to keep strong professional and personal boundaries with this supervisor. Thanks for letting me share with you.

((hugs))) TT

 



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 22nd of May 2018 10:00:47 PM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Good Work TT positive thoughts continue

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Great update TT and sounds like you're working it and finding your way!!! Keep doing you - it's working well....(((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Woot woot .. Good on you and YEEESSSS .. that's the best way ask HP to be with you always. :)

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

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