The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
he ODAT reading for May 15 speaks about our tendency to try to figure it all out. The reading suggests that one of our defects is imagining that we can figure out why people do what they do so that we can control the situation. The reading points out that we cannot read people's minds and that anything we attribute to others can be all wrong. . How do we know what goes on with another and sometimes we judge others in correctly. The reading suggests, nobody but God understands what goes on inside another person and that we need not attempt to play God or even psychiatrists. and that every human being must be respected for his individuality. The reading goes on to recommend that we promise today and from now on to examine our own attitudes and actions in the confusion and despair that we encounter and if we do this honestly we will come to realize that we are not blameless and there is much to be changed in us.
The quote is very clever." How can he think the way I think. do just what I do/?I will remember day by day, my love that I'm not you."
So very pleased that alanon tools such as the slogans and Steps offered me the ability to change my attitudes which i must admit needed changing
Todays reading for me also goes with acceptance.....people, places, things but more so people. IF I try to figure out someone else, it's like an instant path to loss of all peace and serenity! Amazing how fast that can sneak up and happen, more so when "life happens." Today I will work on me and leave everyone else in Gods hands. I do not like that roller coaster of emotions when I try to figure someone else out. It's enough to just learn to handle my own day.
Betty thanks for your service and both ESH's. OMG I used to spend hours trying to figure out what people meant, and what I should have done or said, and really wasted time. I'm grateful to have learned a new way. I can just try to figure out me, and make sure I'm following what program suggests. If I can see my shortcomings and try to change those, I will be much better off. Lyne
Thank you, Betty for your service and the daily. Thank you, Tude and Lyne for insightful ESH!
Wow! This is a good one for me! As an A++++ people-pleaser, I have spent my whole life trying to "read" or figure people out. My goal was to anticipate their needs. I even took pride when someone called me "intuitive." What I have now come to learn is that all of THAT just made me crazy when it came to dealing with an addict. Addiction takes traits that can be a positive in you and turns it all upside down! It's taken a lot of work on my part to understand that I twisted those good qualities into something ugly. It was all about control!!!
I am currently examining where this need for control and people please comes from. Each day the slogans help me to remember that it is not my job on this Earth to be the know all, be all, to another person. I am to take care of me, and treat others with love and respect without the need for controlling them.
Lyne - I too would spend literally hours ruminating over something that did not go as I had planned... what I could've done or said differently. I never realized it was stealing my serenity!! Now when things like this come up, I try and look at my part, and then tell myself it's "OK" to move on and forget about it.
Hope everyone has a great day!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Betty for the daily and your service. Thanks to all above me for the ESH. I really had this idea (faulty thinking) that WE all defined values, traits, etc. the 'same'. I remember clearly when the light bulb came on in my brain that we are all created differently, yet perfectly imperfect in the eyes of our creator. Simple terms like honesty are not defined the same by those I was raised with so how could another I have chosen to be in my life think/act/believe as I do?
I also know for me at any point I begin to wonder, why in the world would he/she .................................. I am in need of some program tool to bring my focus back to me and my recovery. It's not my job now nor was it ever to figure out what makes another tick. My responsibility is to practice the program principles in all my affairs if I want what recovery offers to me.
I had golf league early this morning. Clearly, I am adjusting to a new normal with my schedule. It's a fun group - and I had to laugh when two gray haired ladies were taking shots of Fireball after one got a birdie! This was before 9am!!! I golfed better today than last time, so am thrilled with progress. Hope everyone is having a great day...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your service Betty and for the great reminder. This is so helpful, especially today. Over time, practice accepting things the way they are and letting go becomes easier, as my focus returns to doing the next right thing.
Up the gorge from here is a big tourist resort... a the assemblies held there we would sometimes get from North America... to me they always seemed so slick and polished. In comparison I always felt like a country bumpkin... maybe, and surely I was not focussing on the underlying message! ...
I manufactured a line that might elevate me, if I ever got up to speak to an assembly. Keep it simple? Not on your nelly! ...
The line was: I went from the paralysis of analysis to an attitude of gratitude. Well, underlying that phrase is the story of my journey! Getting all bound up in other people's interests and troubles. with heaps of drinking around me this was inevitable. I let go and let God- I always had a simple faith and I slotted into this part of my journey fairly well.
Taking care of my own business- maintaining a fresh interest in other people took lots and lots of time and lots of unlearning...
...these days my emotions are healthy- and often 'out there'. Laughter and tears seem to come easily, and many times- at the appropriate moment one day at a time. I no longer ruminate over the past, or agonise over the future...
...not so much anyway... ...
I do have times where i have to put my head down and think deeply... try to find my way out of a tight corner. That's life!
Although i do say it myself I am just as smart as anyone in the movement... my interest in recovery goes beyond the doors of Alanon... I am interested and receptive to the second part of Step 4.
I can say this too... I often feel like a young twenties or an early thirties in my growth... ...I have as much to say as anyone else in Alanon, no matter where we come from, or how long we have been coming.
So, getting back to the topic...
having a clear mind; minding, essentially, my own business, and fresh happy emotions... is not a legacy of my life so much... but a legacy of my life in recovery... most of this time was spent inside Alanon family groups- through thick and thin...
thanks for the chance to share... and especially for listening...
Hi All Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this powerful reading . I am so pleased that in this fellowship of equals we leave our degrees, titles and political opinions at the door and have the courage to go inward and share from the heart. I found that when I did, I uncovered my true self as well as my negative coping tools. It was surprising to uncover some of my many negative attitudes as I did not realize that they were my" drivers". I finally saw how I was hurting myself when I looked deep within and found that i was continually measuring , judging, comparing myself with others so I could figure them out and "WIN". Old habits from growing up in insanity -
Glad alanon provided a safe place to let go of my negative defenses and allowed me to explore my softer side. NO more "mind reading " or comparing for me . I have learned to say what I mean , mean what i say without saying it mean and to allow others the same privilege.
I have come to accept the fact that we are all imperfect human beings with assets and weakness and this is how and why we can help each other Thanks for being here.
A friend in recovery uses the term Paralysis of analysis and that is me...trying to figure out another so maybe I can get a "one up" on them if we are adversaries instead of just cutting my losses, workign on me and if they are not a match for me??? walk away...let them walk their separate path...oh yea, to me, dealing with other humans was like a dual or something...on my guard overly so...needing to KNOW rather than wanting to LEARN...and being OK with not knowing everything...I have enough of a task figuring ME out and learning MY negative traits and working on MY crap...I don't have the resources or energy to work another....this program teaches brutal honesty with self, taking responsibility for my wrongs..going wtihin and figuring out why I think this way , hence the negative emotions , actions, behaviours and then ultimately the character.....I am working on point #1 which is how I perceive things....my perception...my skewed thinking , starting there which will change the negative emotions that come after.............i love this program because growing up, i wallowed in lies, deceit, con jobs, manipulation, control, all things that are not nurturing for a young mind...his attitude was "get them before they get you" and know thy enemy so you can get first lick....oh yea, he was "real healthY" a shining example to fallow: NOT!!! my work has been to "UNlearn" all that I was taught as a child and just "do over" via the program and I am making progress....I have no crazy ideals that with my kind of injuries, I will ever completely heal...I don't believe that it is possible, but I can and am make me acceptable, lovable and make a halfway decent life for me and to leave behind a good legacy, good memories to the ones whom I touched.....I'm too busy trying to make repairs to me to be concerned with another's inventory......thanks for the great share and thank you for your wonderful, welcoming to all of us service....You respond to us all...Even if it is just a short acknowledgement that we exist...I've never seen you play favorites here...You make me feel like trying again...to not give up on me......Thank you for what you do here...I keep coming back because of people like you setting such a beautiful example of this program...I want to recycle it.......Just saying.............BIG GRATEFUL ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Hi everyone and thank you for all your ESH. I loved mathematics in school as well as puzzles because I enjoy solving problems. It has taken me a long time to figure out that both of them are things and people are not. Arrogance on my part to think when someone is having issues in their lives that I have the wisdom to solve and change their journey in life. Not that I haven't tried and the result has not been benificial to either of us. Invariably when I spend too much time focusing on what I think others should/should not be doing I end up tripping and fall in a hole. Then it is back to Step 1 yet again. Thankfully program, literature and MIP patiently waits as I find my lane again.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Tuesday 22nd of May 2018 01:01:11 PM
Thanks Betty and y'all...
...
...
...