I have never been one to passively fall into the space where alanon is a program that teaches us how to make the unbearable bearable, or make unacceptable behavior acceptable, or make the intolerable tolerable. No, not at all. However, aside from acceptance -- and I am one who lives in the space of acceptance, but doesn't collapse it or confuse it with unacceptable behavior or anything of the like -- there is another aspect to this.

If an alcoholic is in true recovery -- real, authentic, genuine recovery -- going to meetings, having and working with a sponsor, living a life of recovery, and so on...early on in that recovery, the very most important thing in their world is...sobriety. Keeping sober, staying sober, doing what they have to do, sometimes one minute at a time, in order to not drink. Sometimes that struggle is the only thing they can do, focus on, think about, and commit to. I've seen friends come out of rehab, hit the outdoors, call a friend, go straight to a meeting, find sponsor, and start working at that very moment, and that work doesn't stop. Not drinking, sometimes takes everything humanly possible, and even then it's not enough -- hence, the fellowship of AA, friends, support, a sponsor. I had one friend get out of rehab, go to two meetings a day, meet with his sponsor after that, do readings, and then simply do certain things just to fill his day until the next meeting (laundry, sweeping, doing service, etc.).

What I've seen, experienced, etc., vis a vis recovery -- early on in recovery -- the "us" is not part of the equation. I've seen countless people in the rooms in this situation. I was one of them. In the rooms, the "we" is the "I" or the "me" so to speak. No two people have to be alike. Everyone can be different. Each situation is a situation unto itself. So I use the we generically, and I hate generics, LOL. When it comes to the relationship -- we want it back. We want work to go into it. We are afraid that it has to be part of recovery, part of rebuilding, the trust, the love, the rapport, all of it. For us, we want us back. We convince ourselves it should be, could be, has to be. It is hard to not have it. We negotiate, rationalize, justify, vacillate, and more. We search for allies in our beliefs. We want the troops to rally behind it. Even when a professional says so, it furthers our want, desire, etc. In short, we want what we want...and we are convinced "it" is for the best. "It" is the right thing. But for the alcoholic, early on, it's about sobriety. Period. Their life can depend on it.

While I have compassion for the alcoholic/addict who is in true recovery, I also must have patience and understanding. They are ingredients in my recipe of compassion. Just my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.

-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 13th of May 2018 08:54:51 PM

Back...I find the over-thinking is an enemy. I don't want to be in denial...so...what do I do?

I focus on the "WHAT" of the situation...not the "WHY"

Trying to figure out what the alcoholic is thinking, why they are doing what they are doing, why they aren't doing this, but doing that, because of this, and so on...that will drive me crazy. I can't be in that place. There is no logic to the illogical alcoholic. You cannot apply logic to an illogical person or situation. For me --- too much thinking when it's about me and my situation, focused on me...that's a good thing! When it's analysis, why, etc. -- it's paralysis by analysis!

When the marriage was second to -- not just being dry, not drinking, etc., but to recovery...real recovery, I was OK with that. Why? Because I knew that if she got healthy, got better, lived a true life of recovery...then our marriage would be OK. Thus, I wasn't threatened by the marriage coming second to that. But if it was only dry, not drinking, controlling the drinking, and so on...when the marriage came second to that...I also knew the marriage had zero chance to survive.

After the storm...I wasn't in denial. Reality was a good thing, a very good thing.

Ah MizzB (((hugs))) everything you say was me when my husband was an active alcoholic and even noe iit's not easy. I couldn't have a conversation, made all the decisions big or small on my own and I felt alone. The tv was on, every now and again we would laugh at something. We didn't do anything together, no intimacy or anything. There was nothing left of what we used to be and it felt like I was fighting. I was fighting a losing battle with myself and with my alcoholic husband. Now, I choose myself over him. I can enjoy myself without him. I can have fun without him. I am confident without him and live my life without him. Me and the children are in a good place and it has taken me a lot of work to get to this place (I still wobble). I think it's really important to leave him be and enjoy the time with yourself and reflect. It's hard. X

It looks like you've made a decision and have given your own answer. To me it feels like you want to cut ties. What is stopping you?

I know, it seems unfair. Unfair of course to you, to me, to us. I get it. From my perspective, focusing on recovery is focusing on recovery. What that looks like to each person can be different. When I was focusing on my recovery, one thing that helped me through it was...WORK! I was able to throw myself into work, it was innate, it took mental horsepower, but it was not "personal" in that it was bifurcated from my "life" so to speak. Unfortunately, this is up to him. Believe me, I am not defending him. I have always landed on the alanon side of the equation, but I am objective as well. Just because "I FELT" my ex could focus on work and therefore she could focus on the relationship did not make it a fact. She, her doctors, her counsellors, her therapists, everyone at rehab -- all said work would be good for her. It would give her something to focus on and not make it a life focal point. When she got out of rehab, aside from AA, meetings, sponsor, etc. -- the first thing they wanted was for her to get back to work. Me, I didn't understand it, but when they explained it, I did and I went along with it.

Forget about her...that was the case for me! Did I feel pushed aside? Abso-friggn'-lutely!!! If the job drove her to drinking, like you are worried about, I get that. If it is that kind of work, can it be detrimental? Of course. But that's for him and his doctor's, therapists, etc., to work out. I get where you are coming from, and you of course should do what you feel is best for you. My experience was different. And that's just me. At a certain point, the alcoholic is emotionally incapable of giving anything. My experience is -- even when they are dry. And, even when they are early on in recovery.

Him not knowing how to have whatever kind of relationship -- OK, it is what it is. Just for today. I didn't see it as my role or my job to change that. I did not make it about what I wanted...and then forced my will...and tried to make what I wanted a priority. As far as you feel owed...I get that. Oh do I get that. Owed. Yes. So, how's that working for you? It didn't work good for me. I got past that. I had to. I did not and could not make this about what I felt.

More to follow, LOL...and I hear you on the 70/30 aspect.

MizzB, I hear you so well, with such clarity. I feel for you, and know exactly how you feel. I went through almost exactly the same thing as it relates to recovery, work, the marriage, etc. That frustration you are feeling is real, but it can also cloud your thinking, distort your thinking. He's not making a choice right now. He's looking to focus on whatever he can which will allow him to stay sober. Listen, I don't know his job. If he ends up focusing on his work -- and that causes him to drink -- it is what it is. Forcing what he focuses on can't be healthy for you. You will feel sidelined, back-burnered, whatever you want to call it. I found a hundred names for it. And all the frustration did was make me angrier than I had to be. It stood in the way of compassion, understanding, and I rationalized my feelings -- and my wants.

Yes, he doesn't have the emotional capacity for you, the relationship, etc. He's emotionally bankrupt and whatever is there is focused on sobriety. If you feel in your heart that there has to be something, anything, on the relationship...then stand by that. You relying on him too much for all your social needs -- well, whose problem is that? That gives you something to focus on and work on. Forget about his reality of not having a sober relationship and not knowing how to. Turn the focus back to you -- and you said you feel owed. I get it. I felt that a lot. I just kept working on that. Work on that and see where it leads you. What's done is done. The owe -- support, efforts, bad times, coupled with an expectation of a return. Well, we know what they say about expectations< LOL. Hence, disappointment. Remember, he's bankrupt.

Right now, you don't know what you don't know. Just for today. One day at a time. And of course, nothing changes if nothing changes. Keep it simple. See, what each day holds. Forget about what's best for either of you -- focus on what's best for YOU. Forget about whether he will end it or not. This is about YOU. Keep your focus there. You will be fine. You will be happy. 

So, if you know why you are not ending it -- why is that? What's at play there? All the best.

THank you to everyone. You are of course right and have put things in perspective. In my thinking it's not just a week sober, it's the months of hell - the 'lost months' I've gone through that I'm focusing on and expecting things to improve quickly because of those. 1 week sober is nothing and 'emotionally bankrupt' is such a good way of putting it. You have reminded me that he is in the fight for his life here - literally - and I can't expect to be a focus. HIs life, his health has to be what he focuses on. It's up to me what I do with that knowledge.

I have seen others post about the difficulties of a sober partner and their journey in handling the new dynamic but my mind conveniently forgot all those posts. I guess I am very worried about the future as this is it and I think he knows that too. If it doesn't work out this time then he has to move out of London. I worry that he's not using the tools available to him - he doesn't go to AA, he's doing a different program which hasn't started yet but he hasn't attended a voluntary group so far and he keeps trying to find ways around the full time program so that he can keep his job. I know these aren't my worries to have but they have implications for me. I'm also without his parents for support for me at the moment as they are away for a month.

I guess in the analogy of Serenity, I have been in this hardware store for a very long time, trying to get my damn bread and I'm getting very hungry now!! But if I can't get the bread then maybe I need to completely remove myself from this hardware store because I already have plenty of hammers and nails from work and I'm craving, needing bread and I'm finding it hard to shop elsewhere while I have a customer loyalty to the hardware shop. I may have taken that analogy too far!!

So what stops me cutting ties? Fear of loneliness. My job has always taken all my energy. For the last 16 years I've worked weekends, holidays, evenings on top of going to work and this year has tired me out. The thought of meeting new people exhausts me - especially as I know I can be quite difficult. I like my own space, I like being opinionated, I like my eccentricities and all of these make it very hard to meet likeminded people. I once had a very strong group of friends, we were all similar in terms of being opinionated, empowered etc but over they years that group has broken up through life events. I'm too tired to go out in the evenings, I'm too tired at weekends and I have to do basic things I don't have time to during the week. I like the convenience of having a friend at home and when he's sober we are friends. He does help out with the dog as well. At the moment she is being left for 10 hours a day on her own which isn't fair on her (she is an old dog and just sleeps all the time but she still likes someone to be there). I will get a dog walker but need the summer vacation to build up trust between her and a new person. The other thing is fear of the dating market. my dating past reads like a disaster film. Failed marriage, 6 years alone, one brief relationship with a very irritative person - no concept of personal space and now an alcoholic. My "go to" for feeling lonely is work. My work makes it hard to find the energy to meet people. This circle has teeth it's so vicious. As you say Tude, I need to learn how to live. I've been chasing the almighty dollar to pay off my mortgage and forgotten that there is more to life than a low loan:value ratio. I know that I need to be enough on my own and my six years single I was ok - I learned a lot by going to therapy - I was holding a lot of guilt from the failed marriage that I learned to let go of. Plus when dating I always choose 'interesting' men. ANd these tend to be the ones with drama attached - one was a genuine psychopath which was very interesting, and entirely unhealthy for me! I guess that I feel that I have some needs that can only be met by having someone else in my life - hugs, intimacy. I don't think that's unusual though.



All this helps me get things straight in my mind about what is going on. I dislike uncertainty - I'd rather face an unpleasant situation head on and get it sorted/confronted rather than just have bad feeling or anxiety hangover me and this current 'break' feels very much uncertain especially as he taking radio silence (and I'm leaving him to that - even though my crazy brain is thinking he's drinking, or he's just making the decision to end the relationship which wouldn't be that surprising or derail me all that much). My instinct is to end it so I have certainty. I also don't like reactive rather than proactive and I feel I'm in a situation where that is exactly what is happening - I feel being proactive would be ending it as I can't really see any other way of being proactive in this situation. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow with a specialist in this area, so this is all helping me get thoughts straight in my head.

For tonight I need to spend time with my little dog and get a lot of sleep. Had a tough day of interviews and teaching and meetings and I'm worn out. I'm looking forwards to my appointment tomorrow to have someone who is focused only on me, for an hour.