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Post Info TOPIC: Anger


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 200
Date:
Anger


Today my overwhelming emotion is anger. I want to throw thing. I want to break things. ABF has been off alcohol a week now with the help of medication. And in that week, he just wants to brush everything that happened, all the hurts he's caused under the rug like it never happened. THis is his usual default. He's able to interact with the dog. He's able to interact with wrok (they don't know the real reason he's off sick). And me, who has had to put up with all his sh*t over the past 7 months, I just get brushed under the carpet like everything else he doesn't want to deal with. Forget it happened. Forget I'm a person with feelings and needs. His other default is to run away. So instead of asking me what's wrong or talking about anything, he's gone out. I'm SO angry with his immature coping mechanisms. I'm the only one who every has a problem and it's always my job to make the first move to resolve it. I've talked to him over and over about this but nothing changes. So I guess it's up to me to change it. 

I've got a meeting with a counsellor next week. I'm hoping that will help me start deal with some of this anger and in the mean time, I'm just focusing on resisting the urge to break things. 



__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 394
Date:

(((Mizz))) I just went thru these emotions this week. From my understanding and experience, the most difficult challenge is to not lash out. I had a wonderful person on this forum tell me to look at my part. As I did and kept reading the literature, working the steps, put music on......I realized there is nothing I can say that will ever change the alcoholic. It's a disease and I can become my own worst enemy if I forget this. I did set a boundary for myself but most of all ........really being kind to myself. Those words hurt, the actions hurt and caring for ourselves is learning to keep treading water above it all thru this program. It is SO EASY to forget all this.......especially when it's a new wound/hurt/event/drunken escapade......Be good to you. You're worth it!!!

Hugs!!

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 200
Date:

Thank you Tude. Sundays are especially hard for me as I have to do prep work for the week which I really resent and I've got a really stressful week next week (running interviews and feeling unprepared about that and 3 exams for my students). I know I"m completely passive aggressive and expect him to be able to read my mind about what's wrong - I feel that after talking to him so many times about what are the problems in our 'relationship' that he shouldn't be oblivious to the fact that something for me are a struggle but I always underestimate his lack of wanting to do anything to address is. I also know that while he's on withdrawal medication, he probably has less ability to deal with things. It just massively frustrates me that he can function for work but completely ignore anything in the relationship. I also want to be angry. I feel validated in anger and I spend so much of the time analysing my emotions and being patient and detaching that I want to feel the anger I'm feeling now. I don't want to detach from this because I have a right to be angry about everything that has hurt me so much. Anyway, I'm going to take my dog for a walk now to try and rid my body of some of the anger adrenaline that is currently making me shake with fury. I'll go back to the literature and do some reading as well once I'm prepped for next week.

__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 394
Date:

At this point I don't know if anger can be good? I do know most anger is very destructive. There was an anger that I felt that actually motivated me into good actions and it was then easier to start letting things go. Again, I don't know enough about this type of anger because it was so different for me. I don't have it now. I wonder if anyone could add to the if there's a good anger............

When in the moment(s) of it all tho.......a walk is the best thing I could think of or outside chores. Amazing the things I got done....hugs again

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8822
Date:

MizzB - so sorry that anger has come forward as the 'response' for the moment. My best tools to help me calm down are the Serenity Prayer and my abbreviated version - Bless Them, Change Me. I can relate to what you are feeling and Tude's response is spot on - not a darn thing I can do will ever change another - I can only change me.

It took actively working this program to stop giving my power away to others and this disease. I still have my moments and I have to get out all the tools and find those which will get me through what I am feeling at the moment. Feelings are real, and I need to process them but I have learned in recovery that they are not facts.

Be gentle with you - you are worth it....keep coming back and I'm sending you some positive thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs))) too!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 200
Date:

Thank you. I calmed down enough to talk to him. We both agreed that we were unhappy with how things are and he's left for a few days. After that we will reset and maybe talk to someone as we both communicate badly. If it doesn't get better then we will call it a day. And if he drinks during that time then it's time to call it a day. I can't really see it getting better right now but I did something to change the script and I feel a little less angry now.

__________________

"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 779
Date:

Yes, I get it. Been there, done that, had a cup of coffee and came home, LOL. My ex did the exact same thing. No matter how bad the incident, police, drunken tirade and attack...no matter what...she pretended like nothing happened. Not only that, it was even worse, she pretended like nothing happened and in a matter of a few days, she was almost hinting at all was fine, because she wasn't drinking!!! Omg!!! And then after a week of not drinking, came the hints of "OK, this is good enough, I haven't drank for a week, all is fine, I proved it, see, no problem, etc." -- and then it's the permission that she can drink again.

How demented and distorted the person, their thinking, their compass, their everything, can become because of this disease.

And the collateral damage...HELLO!!! LOL. The anger was the fastest growing and most powerful cancer I felt. But, that is part of who she was -- part of her disease, part of what she did because she had to. This is what she did. What she does. She doesn't do it to me. She just does it. Dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics do what alcoholics do. Was it only this? No, there was more. The 'ism's and all of the fallout that came from her drinking, behavior, etc. If this continued, then it was on me!!! Unacceptable behavior? Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, in the end, it might be...is this the life I want to live?

I went right back to Step One...acceptance...not about the alcoholic, alcohol, etc. -- but about how I felt!!! Acceptance. I accepted it, stopped fighting it, embraced it, and then surrendered to it. Then I was able to let it go and get past the anger. For me, after so many years in the rooms, it was that easy for me. As soon as my sponsor taught me. I apply Step One to all of the feelings, fears, difficulties, etc., that I face...and it works! Most people don't see how Step One might apply to _____________ fill in the blank. Powerless. Powerlessness. Acceptance. Surrender. Letting Go.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 637
Date:

Hugs, ((((MizzB)))). I'm glad you are feeling a bit better... Take care of yourself and keep working the program... Positive thoughts your way

__________________
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 779
Date:

Also, for me, upon further reflection, part of my problem was the anger vs. the relationship. That was tough for me. I was angry about a lot of things, but it was the relationship and not working on that -- and that made me even angrier. So, it was about me. I had to allow the relationship and working on that to be on hold, for the focal point to be her sobriety...and me...and getting past the anger.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8822
Date:

I too am sending (((Hugs))) MizzB - and am glad you found an action step to take that allows some peace and resets. We truly don't know what tomorrow will bring but it sounds like you're working through it - progress always...keep doing you!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 779
Date:

By the way MizzB...why not take the "program" approach to this. What's the program approach? Al-anon. LOL.

I take a different perspective. Feelings may not be fact, but they are feelings. They may be intangible or unquantifiable, or the like -- but they are feelings. They are real vis a vis substance to and behind the emotion. So, forget about the tools, forget about the serenity prayer, readings, forget, forget, forget. Here and now, I take a different approach.

Start at the beginning. Step One. Right from the beginning. Step one, you are powerless. Feel it, recognize it. Anger. Don't fight it. Embrace it and stop fighting it...and when you can do that, that it acceptance. For me, I accept that I feel angry. I accept it and I stop trying to fight it. When I have that, that awareness, now I can feel it and not let it consume me. I can feel it and not let it become a cancer. I am powerless of that feeling, but I am not powerless of what that feeling does to me!!! That is critical. To me, that always worked better than reciting some words. Once I have that acceptance...then I can surrender to it...and then...the best part...I can let it go.

Letting go. How freeing. How empowering. How enlightening. I remember hearing a famous psychologist, world famous, give a presentation once, and when someone asked about getting past dealing with, etc., anger, resentment, and the like...this psychologist said, and I quote, "let's take the 12-step approach to this" -- and went on. The remainder of the presentation was about Step One, Step Two and Step Three and applying the concepts and methodologies behind those steps to any problem we had inside of us, especially when we felt it was caused by or from another. I found it amazing.

The other benefit this provides me is that is gets me to focus on me. I put down the magnifying glass...and I look in the mirror. Most people run away from that.

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to it's me.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:

I am a lurker, but there was something I read that sparked a 'small fire' in me (in a bad way). I too, experience the 'sweeping under the rug' behavior after a bad night. My husband is an alcoholic and I am struggling with this Al-Anon concept. After being brought to my knees and punched in the gut verbally - I decided that maybe I am Al-Anon material (that was 2 weeks ago). I have been to three meetings in person and they were awesome and the people were even better than awesome.

What I am having a hard time chewing and swallowing is the concept of 'oh poor him, he has a disease' and that when he's awful to me, I am just supposed to turn look inwards, be calm, do my own thing etc. How is it fair to me to have to put up with the repeated ups and downs and take pity in him and his disease. I am a human too and I deserve to be treated as one. I want to leave, divorce, run and find myself and eventually someone who will love me and not hurt me and then pretend like it never happened. I was told that I shouldn't make any rash decisions in the meeting I went to - but no one will tell me what I should do when he gets mean and drunk. I got one answer that was 'love him through the hard times'... well, I too am having a hard time and to me the fact that he has the disease doesn't give him carte blanche to just verbally beat me up at his whim.

Someone has told me boundaries. I tried that - we had a serious conversation when he was sober early in the day and I told him that from now on for me to feel safe, I need to spend time in another room and sleep there when I feel vulnerable and unhappy. What happens is that he follows me and it gets worse and then I have to leave the house and drive 3 hours to our other home and stay there. It's all so unfair that I have to be the one to suck it up, brush off the verbal abuse, leave the home in the middle of the night to find refuge elsewhere.

Is it time to leave? I am struggling with the concept that the alcoholic is to be loved and allowed to do what they want.


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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 16282
Date:

Hi AMIAdoormat I do understand your concerns as I have felt the same. My a lanon friends pointed out that although alcoholism is a dreadful disease that i was powerless over, I did not have to say"Poor him" but needed to begin to take care of myself in a healthy manner and take the focus off him and place it on myself in order to feel free of the anger and resentments this disease generates.
Simply accepting the fact that i was dealing with a disease helped me to stop yelling at the person and trying to make them change . Instead I needed to focus on my behavior and take care of me . If that meant that I call the police when I am being harassed in my home then I needed to do this. arguing with a drunk person is a waste of time so leaving for safe place is a wiser choice.
Meetings and alanon literature do help. I loved the "JUST For Today" booklet,as  it helped when nothing else would.
Keep coming back



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3136
Date:

Welcome AmIA,

I'm so sorry that this is a difficult situation .. living with alcoholism is not easy is putting it mildly.

Are you attending meetings? Boundaries are all about me .. boundaries I don't need to state out loud all of the time .. these are things for me about me to make me feel safe. When I don't feel safe leaving until I do was the right answer for me. Leaving the relationship is all about you and your choices .. no one can or should tell you what to do. YOU have the right to do what is right for you. I left and don't regret it. I have 2 kids one is an adult and one is still a minor. They do not have a relationship with their dad.

My take on the actions of an alcoholic and this came from an RA .. yes, I have an illness .. however drunk or sober I am still responsible for the consequences of my own actions. So while someone has sick thinking there will always be direct consequences for those actions good or bad it is what it is. No .. sick thinking doesn't make it ok. An alcoholic gets behind the wheel of a car and kills someone they are no less accountable than anyone else who commits murder accidental or not. So why do people tolerate unacceptable behavior, I am not going to rationalize with an alcoholic .. I find it exhausting .. I am going to take actions that I have a happy life regardless if the alcoholic is drinking or not.

Meetings, reading alanon lit, self care, doing things that help me are how I started getting better.

Big hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 643
Date:

Hello Jody, I too struggled with the unfairness of it all and did not like some of the things I heard at my first few meetings. I really wanted the other people to be just as angry as I was, and when they talked about forgiveness and detaching with love, I thought they were nuts. It took me time and work with a sponsor to grasp more and more of the concepts. As I was told, be patient and gentle with yourself. It takes time.

As I worked the program more, I found ways to reframe my thinking. For example:

The disease model -- If I accept alcoholism as a disease, as Al-Anon and the American Medical Association do, that doesn't mean I pity him or feel excessively sorry for him, especially not if it puts me at risk. It's just a fact I have to deal with. If someone has a contagious disease, we might have to stay away from them until they get it under control. If someone recognizes and accepts they have a disease, even the common cold, it is their responsibility to follow medical advice about treating it so it doesn't get worse and doesn't infect other people. The disease model just means to me that although it's not their fault they got it, it is up to them to take action to cure or manage it. That it is a mental/spiritual disease makes taking action more difficult for them.

Loving someone doesn't mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior. Certainly not any type of abuse. We can accept the person as they are, and that we can't change them, and believe that they are a child of God. But the saying "Love thy neighbor as thyself" doesn't mean loving them MORE THAN myself. I have to be my own best friend.

I too had to move myself into another room of the house for a time. I felt that was really unfair. Now I am grateful that I had the extra space to move into... many people don't have that.

In Al-Anon we don't tell anyone to leave or not -- unless there is violence -- but we offer our own experience and tools to help us be calm enough to make the right decision for ourselves.

Welcome to MIP! Keep coming back. I found this a great asset to my recovery and hope you will too.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8822
Date:

I too welcome you AMIAD to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. When mine used to follow me around, spewing venom, I would literally just keep changing locations in the home or leave if that's what was required to distance myself. When I was new, I didn't know how to do much even with boundaries or detachment or program, but I did know that arguing with them, reasoning with them, talking to them, etc. was just of no use - I had BTDT - Been There, Done That.

If you have a Plan B location, I would certainly depart there early enough to get good rest. I did this often. I made sure to return when they were not present and then would depart again as necessary for my own sanity/safety. I also had multiple Plan B(s) and always had a cash stash as well as a bag packed in my car. One thing I did accept very early on was I did not have to be where I felt unsafe for any reason at any time. I did not have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - I could just get up, walk to my car and leave. This was a freedom that was foreign to me as I felt that was 'rude, selfish and self-serving'....today I see it as self-preservation.

I do not pity others for any disease. I try to be of service when asked, and I pray for them. That's where empathy exists in my program. I do not do for anyone what they should do for themselves yet if I am asked and it's reasonable and sensible, I will support. A sponsor helped me greatly redefine what my role is as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, etc. because I was all things to all others and left nothing for self. Today, I do put me first to ensure I am spiritually fit so when/if there is a need, I am able to serve with dignity, calm, grace and decorum....non of which were 'me' before recovery.

So - in your case, I see choices on the thinking....you can 'see' yourself as the one who is making sacrifices and put out because of the disease and the diseased....or you can find gratitude that you have another place to take peaceful refuge, and the means to get there, and the ability to love yourself enough to put some distance between you and the insanity. I see you as a warrior because you are willing to be/do differently to heal/deal from/with this disease. It's the program and a good sponsor that helped me 'see' things differently and change my attitude and outlook.

I fully understand the 'want to run for the hills' - I was there too. As I began to take good care of me, and establish boundaries that protected me, and showed that I would no longer accept the unacceptable, not only did I change and grow, my A(s) came to realize I was no longer the same. Unexpectedly, many other things changed too and we're closer to a peaceful existence than before! It's not perfect, but perfect is overrated in my view anyways!

So keep doing what you are doing, and be gentle with you. Be willing to go to any length possible for peace/quiet and recovery. You will be amazed at how well recovery works when we work it! Keep coming back as you are not alone!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4992
Date:

The only thing that alleviated my anger was learning the nature of the disease. Then I was able to get my expectations straight or real. So what an active drinker can give or show you is limited and so expecting more is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Alanon is where the answers were for me and then I got free of the anger.

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