The material presented
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I haven't posted in a while, but I read this board daily to keep myself on track - everyone on here is just amazing and your strength helps me so much. I find being reminded of the patterns of manipulation with this disease keep me centred and less easily blown off track. I have been separated from my AH since July, everything has been a struggle, dealing with the house, dealing with our separation agreement. He was basically living in denial that our marriage was over until I was forced to send him a legal ultimatum a few weeks ago (he was refusing to sign the house listing at the last minute). He has a job but because he is still actively involved in addiction his financial situation continues to deteriorate and he doesn't take any responsibility for it, everything is my fault, where he lives, that he has no options. He hasn't paid anything to me for the house or child support either.
I have been going to therapy as well, and generally I'm feeling much better - I am happy on my own, excited for the future and have no reservations that I made the right decision. The pain that I feel the most is watching my AH fall down the rungs of life. He hasn't been able to secure an apartment, was forced to choose an airbnb to live in way off on the other side of the city and he doesn't drive, so he is never around to visit our daughter. When he comes over he is a basketcase of anxiety, yesterday he was only able to stay an hour after not showing up until 4 pm, it makes my 3 year old sad and confused that her dad finally shows up and he bails after no time at all - he was trying to secretly pour some laundry detergent into a tupperware while I was upstairs, and I heard him sobbing outside on the porch after. It's just the most wretched experience, today is telling me he is facing homelessness because he was forced to hire a lawyer to deal with my legal ultimatum (basically I need some movement on this or else I will have to file for corollary relief - nothing crazy - and I don't even know if it's true that he hired someone). He doesn't understand why he can't just live here until the house sells, it's just so difficult talking to someone who is so removed from the reality of their behaviour and situation. He doesn't see a clear picture of who is he and understand why "everyone has turned their back on him"
He was court mandated to live with a friend for a few months after our separation, when he moved out in March there were cigarettes burns all over the furniture, and they found cigarettes lit on the wrong end because he was so drunk, or he was going out to smoke every two hours throughout the night. They were so angry because they have a son who was sleeping in the room next to him. He is being swept away by a cycle of anxiety, self medicating and insomnia as a result. He is so unhealthy and I am just crushed on the inside watching this unfold the way it is. I knew deep down that this was coming, but watching it happen is tearing my heart out, I know I can't help him, I have already tried so much, but it just hurts that all he sees is coldness and indifference from me, when I care about him so much still. I just can't do anything else, but I really feel so much discomfort over homelessness as a threat, that is something that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable when it's left at my feet. What kind of a horrible disease is this that you are actually forced to make this kind of decision relating to a person you were married to!? It hurts because in any other case, I would offer anyone a roof over their head if they were healthy and having a bad time, so to say "you're on your own" to a man I loved and was married to for 7 years and is the father of my child, it's just the most painful thing.
Anyway, I just really needed to let this out today, it's weighing heavily on my heart today, I have been doing well for the last while, but today I am feeling weak. Thanks for your ESH.
Vicki - so very sorry for your sadness today. I am sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers. It is wretched to watch the disease destroy one that is loved, and I applaud your courage and program. Be gentle with you and take care of yourself. My hope is writing it out has given you some peace...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Vicki)) This i indeed a dreadful disease and i am so sorry to read about what you are experiencing. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
It's so so hard to see the man you loved and married, who is the father of your child (I have 3 small children) and it's literally sickening to the point of madness. I think I can only say, choose yourself and your son. Concentrate on you, enjoy the now, there is absolutely nothing you can do for your husband unless he wants to himself. (((hugs)))
I'm glad to see you here however saddened by the reason .. this IS a horrible disease. It took a long time rationally for me to figure out that the man I married and the man who left were polar opposites and sadder to think I didn't want either of them.
My experience with older kids and it's no less confusing for them is the uncertainty and the life issues in terms of safety and the consistent issues of not being able to have a parent "like everyone else" .. mine got hung up on why can't dad just be "normal" .. I have tried to teach them both that there is no such animal as normal .. it's emotional engagement that becomes the lesson for them both .. how to accomplish that in relationships. I can't imagine for young kids like yours because they don't remember a lot .. although my oldest will pop off with a story from time to time .. much of which they would rather forget I think. Part of that was my craziness during that time.
This is horribly sad .. however hang to the fact that you are not responsible for this situation .. what you shared smacks of manipulation .. real live consequences for the fact he's chosen to continue his life the way it is .. I do want to suggest you brace for the anger not just his .. mine came in waves although I was already dealing with a violent storm within myself. Maybe your experience won't be so intense .. I have struggled with the resentment of being required to be the consistent stand up parent .. I sometimes want to vomit when I read internet articles or headlines about co parenting peacefully .. lol .. sometimes you look for the break in the inner war and that's progress.
Please take good care of YOU .. you are worth it and you aren't done and while it will be done .. it's a process ... legally in the States it's long .. I hope it's not that way for you and your family, the longer the more damage it is .. divorce truly is war. It eventually ends .. I hope for you that it ends sooner than later.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am so sorry for the pain that both you and your spouse are experiencing. It is indeed terrible to watch people we love swirl around the drain and be unable to save them. It was incredibly difficult to step away from my AD and no longer provide a crutch to keep everything propped up. I had to become willing to be courageous enough to with stand the discomfort. I had to become willing to face my fear about her future and turn it into faith. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I can easily get lost projecting either the worst case scenarios or projecting my will. Neither one is reality. So for today, I continue to love my qualifier, I continue to pray for my qualifier and do my best to enjoy and appreciate what I have today in this moment.
I can relate to all you share here. It seems such a hard thing to accept. My own son whom I live so much but I can't live with him and the idea of homelessness haunts me
I can't bare the thought of it. Your not alone. I will share with you the suggestions I've been given to help. Wrap him up in a blanket, a warm fluffy blanket and hand him up to a higher power. There's comfort in that thought for me. I pray for my son and I try to trust that it's really dark juat before the dawn and so i need to have faith that there can be change and recovery and an amazing life. I listen to aa speaker tapes and it's so so helpful to me to listen to people brought to the depths of despair with their drinking and getting into aa and living life's beyond their wildest dreams. True miracles and I try tell myself just don't enable trust in my higher power and his higher power and let go.
