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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Has it all been for nothing?
Post Info TOPIC: Has it all been for nothing?
Dutchy


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RE: Has it all been for nothing?
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Ohbues, and I understand now it's imperative that zi do what's devekopmentally and emotionally best for my girls so they become well rounded, strong and stable individuals. I've already seen a big change in them since my husband has been living elsewhere. They miss him, love him and eant to see him but they also regularly recount thigs he's done as an active alcoholic and I try to openly discuss these things with them. It shouldn't be hidden however young they are. They have thoughts, feelings and needs too and it's my job to nurture them, teach them, love them and keep them safe.

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DavidG


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   (((((((((( Dutchy )))))))))))

You are the best- you are doing well... aww ...



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  
Dutchy


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I hope so, I am today, let's hope amd pray I am tomorrow. Thank you for your words DavidG. I feel I've done so much growing in so little time, I almost expect a relapse for myself. I am so very glad I found yoi where I can keep telling my story and hopefully one day will be able to help someone else.

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Dutchy


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I'm not sure if I should've started a new thread but seeing it's still kind of about the same things and maybe when someone ever wants to read my struggles, at least it's all on one place....?

I decided that after I set the boundary with my husband that I found it a best he didn't come round if it was only to help and to visit only to leave again that i was going to keep lines of communications open. That I would keep sending him photos of the children and that I would phone him every now and again and just have a nice chat.

We did that yesterday as we needed to decide on whether we wanted to continue couples counselling. I was pleasantly surprised that he wants to do couples counselling. He said he didn't want to have arguments for the rest of his life to which I responded that those arguments stemmed from when he was still actively drinking ever single day and that our circumstances were less than good. We were both at the end of our tether. I don't want to spend my life arguing either.

My husband said that he wasn't ready to come back home yet but that he sometimes thinks that it would be nice to return to old family life. I said that that isn't possible. We can't go back to the way were and neither in family life. It will be a whole new family life that we have to build. Apparently he got an offer from a 'friend' in the neighbourhood of which he could rent a room off so he could get out of his mums spare bedroom. He felt the same as me luckily (he said it before I could say anything about it) that it's one thing for him to still live at his mums but quite another if he goes and rents somewhere else with a 'friend' (he didn't say the name I don't know anyone living in the area he mentioned) as it would mean a big step back for the marriage survival. So he declined and I am quietly happy about it. Not happy he doesn't want to come home but I also don't ant him to come home when he's not ready and everything falls apart.

We had some banter in between and all in all it was a good conversation. I'm cautiously positive. He was open for going out this week and he was happy to come to mine as I would need to find childcare so we can be alone. I guess it's a step and I have to take it. 

Stupidly I did say I didn't want this to last a year, also because I still want another child and am not that young. And as we previously decided (and he mentioned in couples counselling last week) we wanted more I find it very hard to let go and it's one of the blocks I'm struggling with. I know it's so very wrong to put that wish first and I am writing this honestly knowing that I can be told off for it and I accept that. I also can't ignore my feelings. I have an angry feeling somewhere deep inside and I can't put my finger on it yet on what it might be. I need to work on that. I feel I need to say sorry for my last paragraph but am also reading Melody Beattie's 'Co-dependence no more' so maybe I won't say sorry this time but stand for my feelings and thoughts, however wrong. 

 

 



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Iamhere


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(((Dutchy))) - there is no shame in wanting what we want. Not at all! What I hear in Al-Anon is to make plans and have goals, just don't assume the outcome. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. My sponsor always reminds me that if I insist on projecting, perhaps I could at least try to project serenity, calm, good outcomes, etc? We laugh about it as so often with this disease, our brain is wired to go more to the 'dark side' than the 'bright side'.

Keep doing you and keep leaning in. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Dutchy


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Thank you so much Iamhere for you post! And thank you for not telling me off too much about my wishes and dreams (I@m doing that to myself a lot as I feel it nasty towards my husband)

I guess to at least plan and have a goal is better than having to think it might not ever happen. I would love rewire my brain to be on the bright side.

I started doing the Stepwork board on here and got so caught up I did 4 steps in one. Needless to say I've got a headache but I also learnt so much more again. I really hope to be able to attend AlAnon more regularly. I still haven't found one where I can take the girls to but maybe I need to take friends up on their offers to babysit so I can nurture and enjoy my life instead of being a burden.

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Iamhere


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Girl - if anyone, at any time, offers you help - accept it!!! I know it goes against our thinking, but I believe it's HP's way of leading. We all need breaks away from little ones especially with this disease. I also know from experience that my best days are when I am of service to another, so I no longer 'cheat' others out of their chance to be of service! (((Hugs))) - love that you're working the steps and learning...that's what it's all about!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Dutchy


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I pay a lot to go to the gym and put the girls in creche so I can get an hour. I don't like doing it as it's wasting money and if my husband was here I wouldn't have tondo it but it is what it is for. I feel daily changes going on inside myself and it feels good. I am still waiting for the feelings to falter and I'm scared I will fall back to what I was but checking in here has made me stronger every day! And for that I am blessed!

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Freetime


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Hi Dutchy, could you perhaps think of the money spent on the gym and creche as an investment in yourself, rather than a waste of money? An investment that pays back in health and sanity? I discovered that if friends offer to help, and I accept their help, it actually improves my connection with other people, and connection is very healthy as well.

It sounds like you are really working on yourself, under difficult circumstances -- good for you! Progress not perfection.

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Dutchy


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Yes I should see it that way. The gym really is my coping mechanism, it sorts my head out. When went through Steps 3 and 4 today aswell I noticed I am not doing anyone any favours by declining offerd of help and have no need to feel like a burden. There is just that feeling in my stomach I need to shed. Thank you for responding and forbthe encouragement.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Has it all been for nothing?