Its been awhile since I posted. Since December 2017 when my word went upside down with the ex abf and legal charges were laid for abuse toward me, I have been working very hard on my recovery, journaling my feelings and frustrations, anger, fears, worries, ect and accessing outside help. I even got use to living alone. It seemed like I was on my way until a month ago, I met a man, and since then my head has been spinning wildly. He has been fantastic and very helpful in helping me move forward. I was having severe flashbacks of the abuse because the ex-belongings were all over the house and I would get reminded of what happened. He helped me to get rid of the reminders and its helping me move forward. He has been like sunshine in a dark and overwhelming  place in my life. I am starting to get to know him better and I am feeling more calmer. Fear still grips me bad but I keep saying one day at time, stay in the moment, step by step, do not isolate, get to meetings, do not make this man a priority in your life, live your life, focus on you, do what is in your best interest and other things. This man is so different than anyone I ever met and the commonality is unreal. We just seem to click like a puzzle and that scares the heck out of me. I am telling myself, breath, breath, if its meant to be, it will be, do not rush, force the issue, just let it go. This new man is going to help me pack up the ex clothes and belongings that are still in the house and put it in the garage. I just can not face it alone. Even thinking of doing it alone, I begin to have severe anxiety. Because of what I endured with the ex, it has instead made me more determined to have the best life possible and have a good life. I will be the one standing tall and proud that his tactics to break me down with his alcoholism did not work. I am a survivor! Despite feeling insane since I met this new man, I have been reaching out for support and help and attending meetings. I have to keep my sanity at all cost. All I know is I did not like how off balanced I felt after meeting this new man. It really baffled me and scared me. Now that I have known him for a month, I feel a sit more settled, however, I keep watching for signs of abuse either through words or actions. I am more aware now and I will protect myself. He had been spending a lot of time at my home and that too has been a real challenge for me. In fact it has been putting me off balance a lot. I felt suffocated, and since Friday, we have been apart a lot more, and that works for me. I enjoy his company but at the same time, I am afraid half to death of obsessing over him. One of the things he said to me is that I am controlling, very controlling and I was not aware I was doing that. He said, you are trying to change me and I do not like that. I guess, I have a bad case of controlling, something to work on. All I know is I have a vision in my head of what things are to look like and I want it that way. Acceptance, acceptance is what I have to work on. I believe my problem is I want excellence and class and the best of the best and anything less than that is not acceptable. Yet, I make insane choices. I do work hard on looking after myself-dress well, exercise, eat well, putting me first and I expect others to follow my example and if they do no, I have a hard time with acceptance. He is teaching me things like patience, and said I need to slow down, take it easy, calm down, but I am unable to get my mind to follow that. I have always been a focused, determined know what I want kind of person and I will work hard to get it. All I know is today, I want to let the past go and move forward, but is so hard as court is pending and the house as well. I have to learn patience, it will happen when it happens. I just want closure on my past so bad so I can move forward. I am off to a meeting tonight. The new man will not be spending the night tonight with me..I am grateful. I need time to myself and quite so I can reflect and process as my mind has been going insane since I met him. 

Thanks for your feedback! I am reading the messages on line here as well! You all are a miracle in progress!!