The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this. I'm currently married to a newly recovering alcoholic for about a year now. I finally put my foot down with my wife and stated if she didn't seek treatment we were done. She did seek treatment and has not drank now in about 7 months now. The first few months out of recovery were great! She was working hard and working the program. She was self-reflective, open, being truthful and transparent. Everything was great! I learned they call this the honeymoon phase. Then she started dropping out of groups, saying they weren't the right fit for her. Didn't pickup any other groups. The behavior started to change again. Becoming more verbally abusive, defensive when I approached her about her behavior, less transparent, being less truthful about situations and not taking accountability for her actions. She is blaming everything on me for the reason why she is acting the way she is and playing the victim.
It's been so stressful to try to deal with this. I know they call it the "Dry Drunk" I get it, but no matter what I say or do, I can't be the voice of reason. I explained to her that I'm concerned of a relapse again, which I can't go through again. She acts like she has everything under control and now wants to reconnect with old friends of her drinking circle. She has planned a 2 hour trip away and left today to go connect with those old friends again. I tried hard to be the voice of reason with her and stressed my concern with her. There was not regards for my feels or how I felt about the situation. I now feel this has fractured our relationship and not sure if it's repairable at this point. I would really appreciate some feedback and how one should handle a situation like this.
Welcome to MIP Bill - glad you found us and glad that you shared....Alcoholism is progressive, baffling and powerful. I'm sorry she appears to be stepping away from her recovery and nobody truly knows where that may end. However, no matter what she does/does not do, you can attend Al-Anon and work on your own recovery.
I learned in Al-Anon how powerless I truly was. I also learned the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it. I can learn more about the disease and learn about tools to detach from the disease and to set boundaries for self-protection.
Al-Anon does suggest that we work the program for 6 months or more before making major decisions. We each have to determine what makes sense for our situation. I do recommend you seek out local meetings and attend a couple. Go with an open mind, and look for the similarities vs. the differences.
Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Me glad that you reached out and shared. As has been said alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. it not only affects the person who drinks but the family and friends who are concerned. Alanon is a recovery program for people who interact with the disease and, as been suggested i urge you to search out these face to face meetings and attend. New constructive tools to live by are a great gift of the program as is the support of like minded fellows. Please keep coming back here as well-- you are not alone
I can really identify with what you are going through. Watching someone you love struggle with recovery and step away from some of the tools they have learned is almost as difficult as watching them struggle with their addiction. But I have learned if I have tools I can use them whether my alcoholic is drinking or not. Someone said here just the other day you can't apply logic to this illogical situation. You can't expect someone to have a logical conversation with you and then do the things they say they will, because they are alcoholics. However we can still be happy and still find serenity if we go to al anon meetings and work a program.
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