The material presented
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All things considered, my life looks great and, after a recent health scare, I am grateful to have found out that things are OK. But, I am constantly discontent. I cannot seem to be comfortable with my status quo, with my relationship with my bf, with my job, even with my friends. I constantly want things the way I want them and I get frustrated and, yes, discontent over where I am at.
I mull over the fact that I moved in with my bf and that this is HIS house, HIS furniture, HIS decorating theme (which I hate), etc......and, that very little of this is actually mine. I sold my couches, my dining table, and I miss having pictures of my family up and being surrounded by my books(all in boxes in the garage along with all my most liked decor). Stupid.....I know. I have enough self awareness to know that I can ask the question, "How important is it?" In the grand scheme of things, these are minor issues and I know that. But, I often fantasize about living on my own and decorating my own home with my own stuff and calling the shots myself. But, then I turn it around and try to focus on gratitude, mostly because I love him and because I want him in my life today.
My bf has never said, "This is my house and you're just blessed to be living here." He includes me in everything and has always called this 'our house'. But, at the same time, he won't let me decorate as I would like (or contribute to his ideas) and he has squashed all my ideas when it comes to how this house looks. Yep, I know, silly stuff.....but I often feel like this house is a shell. He hasn't even put pictures of his kids up around here. Nothing is allowed up on the kitchen counters except the coffee maker and the olive oil and bread box. NOTHING. His oldest daughter gets so frustrated and begs me to get him to bend a bit and see that this house is just boring and has no homey character to it. He likes it like this and we haven't been able to convince him otherwise.
She wants to play an April's Fools day prank on him where we borrow our neighbor's decor and put it up around our house to mess with him! It's funny actually, and I'm glad that I'm not alone in my frustration. He argues with her constantly over her requests to just bring some color and comfort to this house, lol. I let her do the arguing because I don't seem to get anywhere either. But, when we met, his old house had pics of the kids up, pics of the dog in frames around the house, and lots of fake plants, decor, candles, etc....then he buys this new house, I move in a few weeks later, and he tells me that he wants to go modern, clean lines, no clutter, no pictures up, etc.......
Now, I know this is part of my own discontent. I want what I want. I feel like I've compromised and I am frustrated. Yet, I also know he gave up his home office so that my son would have a room in our home. I know that he gives up things for me, as well. I get that. But, discontent seems to be a part of my disease and I can't figure out how it fits but I know it does. I know it's because I am used to drama, arguing, emotional battles, gas lighting, etc and I realize now that I am creating my own drama because it's what I'm used to.
I went bungy jumping while on vacation recently and I realize that I chose to do that because I was needing excitement and drama. My life with my bf, work, my son, etc is mundane and I haven't been challenged or had a good fight or argument in so long that I figure maybe I'm missing this part of my past. I need to figure out how to get comfortable with boring, how to realize that how a stupid house is decorated means nothing and what matter is that we all love each other and get along and support each other, which we do. We do have a blended family that is working, we all get along quite well and my bf's oldest is my sidekick and she hugs me all the time and is grateful to me for just being here with them. At 12 years old, she's quite wise and super funny and my son laughs with her all the time.
Anyway, to recap......I have a great life. So, why can't I just enjoy it, right? Any suggestions are welcome! Thanks. Love to you all!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hi Andromeda, nice to hear from you BOY do I feel you!
I have a similar situation. I am living with my mother and she also has a very specific decorating style - I wouldn't say I hate it, but it does remind me constantly that I am not in my own home and this is now "my space." I am living here with my two year old and she is very very NEAT. So yeah, I am sure you can see where this is going.That can lead into self pity and the poor me stories about how horribly mistreated I am......
I have actually had success addressing some of this stuff with her, but I had to do a lot of praying before those conversations and try to let go of the outcome.
I too have to refocus on gratitude, think of the money I am saving on rent. Gratitude lists have been helping heaps. It has also helped me to make some minor changes to the room I am staying in. For example, she has a number of quilts in her cupboard and I chose my favourite one.
I try to see this as an experience my higher power is giving me to show me that I can be happy regardless of the externalities (which are usually SUPER important to me) but it is hard. I am used to being very independent. I moved out at 18!!!! Anyway, I will be sending good thoughts your way.
Andromeda....(((((hugs))))) I feel you and thought could she claim one room for her own and set it up as she wants welcoming the rest of the family to enter and enjoy it when she does? Could happen? Bungie jumping reveals a reckless side of our sister. Have fun when and while you can.
(((Andromeda))) I do so understand your concerns and wonder if it is possible for a room in the house to be given to you so you can place your pictures and treasures and feel at home. My partner of over 30 years is moving into my place in June. Right now we are deciding what will fit and where it will go. I have given him the spare room so he can place his pictures,books and desks in there and feel as if he belongs. I know this will be a challenge. however I can certainly understand your need to feel at home in our new home . Sending positive thoughts your way
I have embraced serenity and am always grateful for the peace that I experience each day
What my sponsor always says is that when I am restless, irritable and/or discontent, the problem is with me....I am usually directed to look at the steps and see where I need to start - I tend to just go back to Step 1 and do it again.
I know for me, getting 'there' is a dangerous place. I've heard and experienced that 'what I focus on grows' - so if it's negative/restless thoughts, it compounds, and if I can get to an attitude of gratitude, it also grows. I have spent a ton of time in recovery determining the difference between wants and needs. I will gladly give away all my wants to keep my serenity and that's the simplest way I can get over the 'I want what I want when I want it.'
It really doesn't take much for me to consider where I was when I arrived at Al-Anon. I never want to go back 'there' and am willing to go to any lengths to avoid that. Being of service to others is very helpful for me to also keep grounded, remain grateful and stay program-centered.
(((Hugs))) - focus on what you have and what's working, which you write about above instead of what's not - that's been a great technique for me - gratitude lists really, really help!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for understanding! It's never easy living with other people and compromises are going to have to be made, usually by both partners, too. As Iamhere has said, what I focus on grows. I do know that. I try to check myself and find gratitude but there are days when a good bungy jump off a very high bridge sounds to be more up my alley than doing the mundane day to day living with someone who, quite frankly, has no creative gene whatsoever, lol.
Jerry, yes, you should see his daughter's room!!! Her skills in decorating and painting are amazing. She's quite a creative genius and follows in her dad's footsteps with great business and negotiating skills, too. She always invites me into her room when she does something new and I love the fact that she is so creative!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
andromeda - that's so awesome that she's got a creative style/personality!! I have to readily admit I am lacking deeply in the creative side of being. It's just never been a strong part of me and I struggle. I love all styles though - clean lines as well as pretty decorated spaces. I try yet lean towards neutral or masculine tones - I do not like anything floral - much more of a stripes/paisley/geometric kind of gal.
What I have found in recovery is that with all things, I can appreciate what is - and find beauty even if it's not 'my thing'!! (((Hugs))) - you got this and that bungy jumping sounds exciting!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Excellent thread -- and thank you for posting. This topic has always touched a nerve with me, and not in the typical touch a nerve kind of way. From my experience, at various times, I have seen the vague, ambiguous, gray and/or moving line, where each side becomes hard to really get a hold of. What do I mean? How important is it? Anything can be relatively justified away by saying how important is it? One can easily rationalize, justify, vacillate, or whatever you want to call it -- the importance of insignificance of anything. And if you don't check with someone else and gain some objectivity, you are left with your own rationalization.
An ever tougher one for me is -- I want what I want. How lovely. What happens when I am healthy, in a good place, have done the right thing, have compromised, have given of myself, and so on and so on. What happens when "what I want" is not really what I want for the sake of wanting it? Goals? Objectives? Wants? Desires? Dreams? Do they all become insignificant because they are simply "what I want" so to speak. Very often in this program, I feel the label of "want what I want" has this negative connotation attached to it, automatically. What happens if what I want is reasonable, and healthy for me, in the context of a relationship? What happens if not getting something small, reasonable, that I want, that is fair, and good for my well being -- what happens if it is not good for my overall well being or mental place/state of mind?
Andromeda, no, I don't think it's stupid, and I don't think your discontent is part of "I want what I want" -- and I am not one to quickly dismiss what a person feels or wants by quickly painting with some cliche brush from alanon. From my experience, and perhaps because I've learned a lot about these types of thing -- I've done a great deal of advanced adult education and work -- there is a very distinguishable difference between "content" and "context" as it relates to self, and another person. One "context can be "the other person drinking" or using drugs, or gambling, or porn, whatever. Another "context" can be around going out to dinner every Saturday night? One can easily see how the "content" can be, and is, very different. When looking at the latter, we see the context of partnership, bilateral, compromise, enjoyment for both, and so on. The former, many of us understand. People refer to blended family -- and the blending has to be present with the co-heads of the family, with each other, amongst them.
"...then he buys this new house, I move in a few weeks later, and he tells me that he wants to go modern, clean lines, no clutter, no pictures up, etc......." -- so here there are two ingredients. One should always distinguish when there is an "us" or "joint" or "we" conversation. When it's him, her, us, and so forth, that is a partnership discussion. Not kids, not dogs, not any of it -- us. There is an us in every relationship, aside from the kids, pets, house, education, etc. The "living" and house issue, there are two ingredients to look at -- first, the financial ingredient, and second, the "mental" or "emotional" ingredient. Both parties need to look at both ingredients. When people talk compromise, they often feel or see "meet in the middle" or "50/50" and so forth. Compromise does not have to be 50/50 or meet in the middle. One person is in one place, one person is in another, and the two meet somewhere between the two/each of them. Not necessarily at the mid-point.
In a course that I am intimately familiar with, they cover when a man and a woman move in together, ideally, they move into a new place together -- one they both picked, one they both liked, will enjoy, participated in the decision in, discussed, etc. This is separate and distinct from the financial aspect, which often has to be discussed first. Two people coming together in this type of way, come to and bring things to the table. You do not want one to jump into the other's script, world, life, etc. You want jointly, as a partnership, write a new script, co-author it, together, and both enter it, the script, world, life, etc. -- together. Too often, this is not the case, and, for other reasons as well, the cohabitating and the relationship does not work or function in a healthy way. Discussion for another time/thread/outside the scope of this one.
When a person is frustrated, constantly perhaps, when they've compromised -- it doesn't mean "I am wrong" and "I just want what I want" -- no. It is not about keeping score. He did this, I did that. He got this, I got that. He gave up, I gave up. There is no automatic "I want what I want" label to suppress, damper, smother, etc., my feelings. It doesn't mean any of that! It also can mean, I deserve more. More, meaning, in the "I deserve books on a shelf and not in a box in a garage" sense. This is not a bone to pick or fight/cause to take up. No, not at all. This is still self. What do do next is another discussion.
Anyway, this is a great topic and resonates with me very often. Now it's time to go back to work, take a look at the financial markets, tax update/briefing, etc. -- and actually do some work today! My assistant and I have been going through a lot of the same thing -- I want, she wants, etc. LOL.
Have a great day everyone.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo, thank you for your thoughts. I've had to re-read your post a few times to see if I could follow it. What I got out of it is that maybe wanting what I think I want (or 'think' I deserve) isn't a bad thing? on the other hand, though, I am learning that it's ok to not always have what I want or think I want. Contentment comes when I find acceptance and that's part of working program, too. In the grand scheme of things, most people would think I'm lucky to have what I have. I'm working on not repeating patterns from my past where I built up resentments over things that weren't deal breakers but then let the red flags and deal breakers slide unnoticed because I was too afraid to face them.
In other words, I am currently working on speaking my truth, facing my fears of abandonment, facing the fact that it's ok to have a relationship but it's also OK to not have one, if it were to come to that. Where I struggle is with just being OK with the life I have today and the surroundings I live in, because I often feel like it's not mine. I also remind myself that nothing and no one really belongs to anyone....it's all God's and we're just caretakers of the things/people of the earth and God has entrusted us with this. I want to let go of the discontent because I do believe I was brought together with my bf for a reason, for us both to learn, and for us to influence our children in whatever ways God has set forth for us. There's just something inside me that is constantly agitated and doesn't 'feel' right and that's where I find my struggle.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I read somewhere once that the outcomes were not as good when she moves into his place or he moves into her place, because the person who was there first always does regard it as more their space rather than a space belonging to both of them. So I think this means that you are not alone in noticing that this is a little bit of an uneven situation. And he does sound more rigid than many people, maybe even having some anxiety about stuff going up in his space that keeps him rigid about it. Of course everyone has some rough spots, some neuroses here and there, and looks like maybe you've found one of his. And of course the question is not "Is it right or is it wrong?" but "Is it something you can be okay with?" It sounds like it's maybe in the lower part of the okay zone, but still balanced out by the good stuff. Maybe down the line if things go well you can talk about moving into an "our" space, and/or having a room or two to decorate as yours, or other things that would give some more of what sounds like a reasonable wish. But also you are trying to keep perspective which is what we all aim at, so you are an inspiration.
I hear you and can relate. Im also finding myself down in the mouth with a brilliant gratitude list. I feel quite ungrateful at times. When I think of the mess I was before Alanon and the mess my family was in, the drama, the constant crisis, the emotional rollercoaster. The difference is huge. I have a calm life, a good job, good friends, enough of everything I need and yet its not enough for me somehow. Ive also moved away from the materialistic world like you, a house is a house and im not attached to the idea of it having more meaning. What do I want? Im not sure, I don't want the drama back, I don't want the chaos that alcoholism brought. I'm not free of it though, my son has a drink problem so its always there and the fear can take over at times. My mind is mostly free though, still work to do.
You say we are used to the drama and I get that, I was addicted to the highs and lows, I think my brain became trained to live this way and now Im free my old habits of negative thinking creep in and If I can't find things to feel sad or mad about then I grow a story in my head.
I've been doing a bit of research and I've read about emotional sobriety and that quite often after a few years in program a slip can occur and its the equivalent to the sober drinker getting drunk again after some significant time sober, its a signal that there is a need to rework the steps from this new perspective that we've lived with for a while now, its time to get to a higher level of freedom it seems. Im currently working the steps again, Im on step 3 at the moment and so far the realisations are all new again even though I had awareness its like somehow the first awareness got a bit forgotten about. Its good to take a closer look at me again and know that there's freedom waiting for me again. I can get free of the negative thinking all over again and maybe even on a deeper level. Thanks for sharing and good on you for the bungee jump, thats trusting a power greater than you.
I relate to what Mattie said about the issue of space and the claiming of space. At the same time I kind of hear the issue of not being heard and/or validated that you have a right to be in that space .. you put money and time into it and yet can't claim it as "yours". I have been more apt to say this is mine that's yours which is a protective thing not a growth thing. I am working on that issue big time.
If you have worked your steps on this issue and still feel that there is an issue there then maybe it's a topic to be brought up. If you have worked your steps and find that you have resolved it in your own mind then leave it alone.
I had an issue with the bedroom being rearranged and there was no discussion at the time I let it go, however it really became an issue of being massively sleep deprived .. my BF changed the room back on his own. It was because it suited him to have it back the other way .. he then came to find out that he didn't listen and had been dismissive of my needs in that regard. He really felt badly. You know it was an opportunity to talk about change and what that means and why communicating a change and being open to why it is or is not ok kind of thing. He was not open at the time to have the discussion about changing it back and I think I lacked the ability to communicate clearly why I need the room set up the way it was .. I am sleeping much better now, I still struggle to stay asleep. At least I am able to fall asleep and go back to sleep the latter was not an issue however the going back to sleep. It doesn't help that my brain runs a many clicks right or wrong a second .. lol. Shutting down is a huge challenge when I wake.
Anyway, my point is he felt truly awful when he realized how badly I struggled with the issue and is really trying to be more open minded about change. It wasn't a good time to talk about it originally he was in the midst of his own stuff and I saw that.
Relationships flux and they should ebb and flow .. they are not stagnate if I wanted that I would have stayed with my X. I need personal growth and there is a difference between drama and growth. There always has to be growth or the relationship doesn't matter what kind will evolve through growth or death.
I just wonder from time to time how much of my home situation can be attributed to the issue of feeling helpless as a child and so when I don't feel "safe" part of safety is creating your own home base .. I feel out of control. So I just encourage you to figure out what you want and then address the issue from there, you have a right to have input in your own home .. you have a right to feel safe .. and you have a right to be heard. I just hear a lot of not being heard in your original post.
Keep coming back,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Andromeda, you are very welcome, and thank you. While this isn't a CAL, official alanon BB/website, this is the type of discussion that can saunter in different directions. However, that doesn't mean people who care aren't there for you. I am. That said, yes, there is a lot there in my post, and behind many of the sentences, ideas, concepts, etc. -- there is meaning, methodology. It's a topic that can't be effectively and efficiently addressed in/on a BB/thread because there is much meaning behind the words. It's like the typical "email conversation" -- simply an exercise in futility.
Be that as it may, this really isn't an issue about -- the problem is I want what I want. You are not dealing with an alcoholic and forcing your will, trying to change him/her, and so forth. In program, many times people are quick to rationalize not doing something or feeling something, and they are in denial, and/or they come up with an excuse; and the excuse is a slogan or a tool. How important is it? I did that for 5 years. Or, I want what I want, so let me forget it. Then, the unacceptable becomes acceptable, because we rationalize, or justify. In program, sure, dealing with an alcoholic, sure, it works. But that doesn't mean it is for every single time, every single incident, every single minute of every single day. Wanting what you want here is not a bad thing at all -- it is a good thing! A very good thing. You should not only want it, you do in fact deserve it. We are not talking about always, or before, or next time. We are talking about this issue, this day, now! Period. You are OK to want what you want here. It will be OK if you don't get it all. But, you should get something -- that's the compromise I was speaking to. He does not have to come to you, and you do not have to go to him -- and the two of you do not have to meet in the middle, 50/50 compromise. But the two of you should meet somewhere in between. That is compromise. Why? Because it is what it is now -- the home, he bought it, you moved in weeks later, etc. Step back, look at the dynamic. It cannot be his home. You have to work with him and make it an "our" home. Lighten up a little bit on taking the program in such a rigid fashion. You are an intelligent, warm, and wonderful person. Lighten up on it so you can enjoy life.
Alanon to me, for me, is a curriculum for living. But it can't be fanatical. It can't be rigid. The tools, slogans, steps, can't apply the exact same way to every situation. Don't make this so tough. Step back, relax, and think about broadening the conversation about the "home" itself -- his, yours, ours, theirs, and so forth. Also, complete side note -- I checked with several interior decorators -- modern doesn't mean no pictures! LOL. I have all modern, in my old house (very large), and in my new condo -- all modern. I did buy a lot of new picture frames, but modern doesn't mean no pictures! LOL. My personal experience is that many people mistake this program, misinterpret this program, and use this program, to ultimately convince themselves of things. Sometimes it makes them "stay" and sometimes it makes them "leave" -- and sometimes it makes the intolerable tolerable and the unacceptable acceptable. That's not what alanon is about in my opinion. So we are quick to use tools as excuses and crutches in every aspect of our life. We can use tools in our life, but they shouldn't be something that "convinces" or "makes a decision" for us, without our free will and intellect, objectivity, subjectivity, and so forth.
Read what I wrote, again, and again. Try and get to the meaning behind some of the statements, without over-analyzing them. If you want to chat off-line, just message me.
I think you are fine here. Wanting what you are wanting is a very good thing. You deserve what you want in this case. Don't let some phrase from somewhere convince you otherwise.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Andromeda it appears to me that after you have done your sharing and listening and thinking about what has come back at you that you have come full circle in understanding and more valuable perception. For me I say out loud to my fellowships that I have been watching and witness the miracle of recovery. I often will whisper "Thank you God" for it happening as it once again verifies "This program works" and give me more courage to change the things I can and keep coming back renewed in my recovery and the 12th step.
Your struggle with discontent share is powerful...Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
I wanted to come back on and address what Serenity had to say. It's funny because I totally have a 'this is mine' and 'that is yours' mentality. When my bf looks for something in the kitchen drawers he will ask me if WE have something (say a spatula), and I will say, "Yes, I have a spatula in my bin of stuff that I brought from MY old house." I always refer to things as mine and yours. I didn't realize it until she said it but my bf never refers to things that way....EVER. When I moved in here, he wanted this house to be OURS and that's why he had us move in right after he did. He said he was going to wait until my son had graduated (this was all 2 years ago) but he really wanted us to start from scratch in this house.
He is just very clear on how he wants things to look and it's just not my style. He did give me free reign over the upstairs where we have a large game room and sitting area and it's where my old bed is that we use as a guest bed or for sleepovers. All my misc bookcases and furniture is up there, actually. It's just that I never go up there and never see it, lol. It's where the kids hang out.
We actually had a conversation last night about some of this and he didn't realize how hard it has been for me to not have the pictures of my family up or how much I really just don't see eye to eye with his completely cleaned off counter tops....( I like my utensil holder out and my spoon rest....but that's me and not him). He did laugh so hard he had tears coming out of the corners of the room and he told me that he was laughing because he realized just how truly VERY different we are. We have the same morals and values, the same religious and political views and we're both in finance and find many things in common to talk about.....but we are so very different in how we see the world. He is forward thinking and planning and in his head about the functioning and the systems of the world around us. I'm more a practical person who keeps their feet on the ground and refers to the past to learn how to find acceptance in the here and now. I live in the present and don't do much future planning.
So, I don't see him changing who he is. I know him and I know him pretty well. It's really about acceptance and me being willing to give up the way I'd like things to be and just enjoy what we do have and how things are right now. I also probably need to work on the whole 'this is my car' and that's 'your car' mentality or whatever object we're talking about. Because, honestly the man gave me 3/4ths of our closet, he lets me have the only working remote for the gated community, etc.....if I ask him to take me out to dinner soon because we haven't had a date for a while, he will research new places, make the reservation, and he always follows through. I never feel like he doesn't place a priority on our relationship despite the fact that we both have demanding jobs, children, a home to care for, and the most needy cat and dog in the world, lol!
Thank you all for the feedback and I know I could go on, but I don't need to. I have a mentality where I have a lacking, an emptiness, and something inside of me that feels a need to hold onto everything that I feel belongs to me and I want to fight tooth and nail to keep it; that includes physical things as well as my self esteem and ego driven things like my work and my drive. Everything, I want to hold onto it all because for so long, I didn't know what i was capable of, I never knew what it was like to really provide for myself, to have a career, to be truly independent. And, now I do, and I don't want to lose myself in a relationship because of it. Obviously, I'm learning and I'm so grateful to you all for this!
As for the bungy jumping....I highly recommend it if you ever want to feel like you've faced a fear and want to fight through it. I honestly had no fear once i committed to the decision. It was exhilarating and I'm so glad I did it! Hugs to you all!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
