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Hello this is my first time posting on here and I am in desperate need of some help and encouragement. I have been with my a h now for about 4 years. He is in his mid 20's and has had a problem with drinking for awhile now. He got into trouble for drinking and driving and gave up alcohol for a while. Our relationship strived from there. He then turned back to alcohol after a brief time, and our relationship went downhill. I decided to leave, and start dating other people that was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through because I truly love this person. After dating again he came back and I said I was willing to take him back he was changing again. We had then moved in together over the last 3 years establish so much. I have talked to him about his drinking and I tell him I'm so proud of him when he doesn't drink, and how much of a better person he is all around. He will stop drinking again briefly for about a few days, and then he's back at it again. Lately he has been drinking every night after work excessively. It is mostly just beer but it is more than necessary or needed. It literally is tearing us apart, and now he said he needs a break from a relationship, but I know a lot of it is due to the alcohol. He broke down last night and started bawling which is not like him at all. I do not know what to do in this position do I walk away? Or do I hang on and try and help him through this. I don't even know what to do for myself anymore
Welcome. I know it's so bewildering to be with someone who drinks too much. We become as illogical and crazy as they. Their illness makes us ill, too. I hope you can find a face to face AlAnon meeting and GO. Then go again on and on. It is there I learned how to find myself again.
He's going to drink or not. Nothing we say can make them stop. They have to decide and want that for themselves.
You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
You can get your own life back.
Take some time and read through some of the entries on this board. It may give you ideas to cope, too.
Keep coming back.
Shelby - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. Alcoholism is progressive, powerful and baffling. It does bring about a ton of chaos and drama and is considered a family disease as it affects most friends and family too. When one decides to get sober, help is available. For the friends and family, there is Al-Anon - our recovery program.
We find at meetings others who truly understand and a safe place to share, learn, discover, recover and grow. Nobody understands what it's like to live with an alcoholic as well as others who have the same/similar experiences. I tried everything and then made my way there - it was a game changer.
There is no 'one size fits all solution'. Many find a way to stay, many others find themselves unable to stay. Al-Anon gives you a way of life to make decisions that work best for you and your situation and as Jill shares to find yourself again. It's really easy to find that the disease dominates and takes control over all affected, directly or indirectly. Yet, there is help and hope in recovery.
I too encourage you to find meetings, and listen for the similarities vs. the differences. Keep an open mind and an open heart. If you don't like the first one, go again to a different one or even the same one on a different day. It took me 2 locations to feel comfortable and find a 'tribe'. I also agree - keep reading around here and be gentle with yourself - this is a wicked disease that's too much for us alone....recovery works as we find we are no longer alone.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Shelby I can understand your confusion and deep concern for your loved one I have felt the same Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive , fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did no cause this disease,, cannot cure it and cannot control it.
AA is the recovery program for people who drink and alanon is the recovery program for family and friends of the dinker. By trying to force solution we too become infected in a negative manner and need the support of a recovery program, Face to face meetings are held in most communities so , I urge you to check the white pages for a listing and attend
Please do keep coming back here as well as you are not alone
Hi Shelby, I identify with your post. I too tried to be encouraging when my spouse did things that were "good" in my eyes. I have come to realise that for me, this was tied up in believing that I knew what was best for him and should control him. It sounds counter intuitive as I surely things like getting a job and working at it were obviously better for him than his idea of what to do - - right?! All my encouragement didn't help fix his disease and just made me more insane as I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. One day he was great and I piled on the encouragement. The next day he was up to his tricks and so I piled on the resentment! I was protecting him from having his own feelings related to his work situation and addiction because now he could focus on what a volatile harpie his wife was! Not a good way to live. I ended up losing sight of what I like about him and his good qualities and became more focused on what he was doing than on anything in my life. In that way I lost the ability to enjoy anything that was good in my life and my whole being was wrapped up in "how's he going to be today?!" It was horrible.
I wasn't able to free myself from this. Because at first I wasn't in an area with meetings I listened to Al Anon speakers on youtube and found an alanon member I could call. She helped me immensely. Once I was able to get to meetings things really changed. They opened my eyes and my whole quality of life is so much different now. I hope you will be able to find and attend meetings.
All the best
Annie
