The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
I feel like I'm at the lowest of lows. Things have been bad for over a year. My husband is completely jackel and Hyde. Sober loving husband thinks I'm the moon and stars. Drunk husband spouts off about how I'm the worst mistake of his life and wished we didn't have our children. He s gotten moderately physical when I won't back down and allow him to treat me like that. I'm just trying to hang on to what self respect and sanity I have till my littles start school in the fall and I can quit being the stay at home mom. Then I can make a plan. The frustrating part is I'm on anxiety and depression medication bc I'm not coming well. I am a mess and I'm on pins and needles, walking on eggshells, treading water... I don't sleep, I don't eat, I'm not taking good care of myself insure the wellbeing of our kids. I want for a followup with my Dr that sees me deteriorating and tells me I need professional help. I told my husband that I've scheduled and appointment with a therapist about my depression and anxiety. He went ballistic! "Why so you can pin everything on me? Make me look bad? Tell them how terrible I am? Maybe the problem is you won't have sex with me! Maybe you need to own your problems! Going to a shrink just makes you look like a psycho..." ugh. I'm a stay at home mom... he's refusing to pay my copay. I guess I'll soldier on. Document the $500 a month he spends on whiskey, the times he's passed out in the yard, car, floor, sitting on the toilet, the times, he's fallen down the porch steps and then slept it off right there, and the lack of any involvement with our children. Our son's teacher has never seen my husband at all and she was under the impression we were separated or that I handle everything. She was concerned bc my son never mentions his dad... how sad.
Anyway I just need to vent. 6 more months....
(((Isthisreallife))) thanks for having the courage to share with such honesty. Please do search out alanon face to dace meetings and attend . It is at these powerful meetings that i found support and understanding and developed new tools to live by and found my self esteem restored. You are not alone
(((Isthisreal))) Welcome to Al-Anon MIP where we come to understand that alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic but the family as well. Al-Anon is a gentle program where we learn to focus on ourselves and be gentle in our self care. I found a new family when I entered the doors. I was so focused on trying to stop my then AH that I completely lost myself. Face to face meetings, approved literature and the caring Experience, Strength and Hope of fellow members is a cherished part of my life. To this day I learn something new daily and grow in the process. Take a breath, you have found a place where you can truly be yourself with acceptance. Please keep coming back.
I hear you. I feel your pain, frustration, fear, and everything else. I've been where you have been. So, first, find face to face alanon meetings. There's no co-pay for him to argue about or refuse to pay. Yes, he may yell and scream about you going, but go. Just go. And keep going. You will be in the right place, the safe place, inside the rooms of alanon. He might think you are going to complain about or blame him. That's his problem. You don't have to engage with him or get into it with him when he looks to start an argument with you. You can learn how to detach -- physically and emotionally. You can learn how to say "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I am not getting into this with you right now" or "I am not going to engage with you when the conversation gets to this tone, level, etc." You will learn in alanon that you do not have accept unacceptable behavior.
Second, focus on you. YOU. Start to focus on you, and what you need to do for YOU, and for your kids. You are doing the right thing documenting everything. Great job. Keep being there, and being present for your kids. Your kids are entitled to one sane, healthy, quality parent...and that's YOU. When you start going to meetings, find a sponsor. Start with acceptance. Third, my experience was like yours for about 2 and 1/2 years. Then, guess what? Sober, loving wife made fewer and fewer appearances. Eventually, she disappeared. Why? Because this is a progressive disease. It is an enigmatic, baffling, cunning, insidious disease. I was left with drunk wife, drinking wife, angry wife, mean wife, etc. Unfortunately, I was not healthy either -- and I was accepting unaccepting behavior. I was tolerating the intolerable. So, I had to go to meetings, focus on me, do the work, and start to get better. Time takes time. Little by slowly...I got better. And so can you.
Keep coming back. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi,
I just wanted to say this because no one addressed this yet. You mention that he is "moderately physical" - I am not sure what this means and could cover a range of behaviours. Al-Anon doesn't give advice, except in situations where there is danger. If you are in danger, there is help and this comes before anything.
Just a few months ago, I also felt like I had gotten to the worst point in life I could imagine.
I have found a lot of help going to Al Anon meetings, reading this forum and reading literature. I found that there were many things I could be grateful for.
I hope that you have the opportunity to go to al anon meetings.
Sending love and prayers.
(((Isthisreallife))) - so very sorry for the pain, anxiety and chaos the disease is bringing into your life. I too would suggest you have a plan B for the here and now if there is any risk of abuse - this is the only situation where we (Al-Anon) offer advice. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers as the defeated feeling many of us have is so, so hard to live with.
Al-Anon program, steps, meetings and support helped me get to the other side. It's a safe place to share and be your authentic self without concern of gossip, advice and/or judgement. I am hopeful you will find your courage and seek out local meetings. It was a game changer for me.
Alcoholism is progressive and powerful. It does reach beyond the drinker to affect and influence family and friends. There is always hope and help in recovery - keep coming back here too! You are not alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, ((((Isthisreallife)))), I'm so sorry for your pain and the insanity that alcoholism has brought. I can identify with a lot of the feelings you've shared, but there is real help and hope in this program. We can't change others, but we can change ourselves, not right away and not easily, but the steps, meetings, slogans, sponsor - these tools work. A bit more than a year ago I was in a dark pit of insanity, stress, confusion, and I'm so glad I came to Al-Anon then, because I'm better now, and I believe that my life and attitude will only improve with time. Believe me, I was not feeling so positive before Al-Anon, more like the opposite. I am glad you are here, because I really believe just showing up here and at my first Al-Anon meeting was a start of my recovery, although it didn't feel like much at the time, and so I congratulate you on reaching out for help for YOU. Keep coming back
Hello and so sorry about your situation. It sounds like you have a plan but waiting this out six months is a long time. Alanon can definately help. Someone already mentioned your safety comes first above all else . Your doctor or therapist may have other local resources for you that can offer immediate relief. Please check with them. Being a battered wife can occur without physical abuse. Someone can also be battered through psychological and verbal abuse. A spouse withholding money, and limiting your freedom to get help or go places is also abuse. Is there a local women's shelter that could offer info? As a mom speaking, I could not be a good mom when I was a wreck. It is very important to put yourself and child first. Lyne
Thank you all for your words. This battle just gets to be too much sometimes. The person my husband is sober and the person he is when he drinks is complete opposite. I've been feeling with it for 5 1/2 years. It seems like the sober person I love has slowly disappeared. I've basically been a single parent of two and enabling his behavior by making sure things don't fall completely apart(paying the bills, making sure he gets up for work, etc). When he's been drinking and gets angry I just leave. The kids and I go do something(go to the park, go get ice cream). I try to keep them in the dark as much as I can. It all wears on a person. I'm wore out, broke down, and depressed. I'm thankful I'm aware of my own mental state. My Dr is aware of my situation and tries to help as much as he can
There has already been great ESH given but I also want to add: go to a face to face meeting. This is the one thing you can do for yourself to get help. Yes, he will probably complain but do it anyway!! There is no need for you to wait 6 months to start the road to recovery for yourself - start it today! I live with the same Jeckyl & Hyde you have described and it has been the most draining experience of my life. It has negatively impacted our marriage & our lives and it has only become worse with time as the disease has progressed. However, AlAnon has taught me how to detach, survive and smile again. Even the kids are happy I'm going to meetings as now they have one reliable and most often happy parent. As a matter of fact, they will do what they can to make sure I get to a meeting. (They range in age from 8-15 yrs. old.) It's quite astounding that they've noticed the progress in me. Yes, my hubby is still actively drinking and I'm not sure where the future will bring me but I take it just one day at a time. But today, as with most days, I can smile and detach. I've only been able to do this with the help of Al-Anon...I didn't start going to meetings until last November. But I work hard to learn & work the program, go to meetings, and read literature. It helps!
As a stay at home mom myself, I'm also working on myself so I can get back in the work force. Something I didn't think I'd have to do for a few more years but hey, no better time then the present. :)
Don't wait; take care of yourself now!! I'm going to also support what others have said: it sounds like the actions you described are different kinds of abuse (psychological, verbal, etc) which can be just as harmful as physical abuse. This is unacceptable behavior. Working the program will also help you learn to set appropriate boundaries.
