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Post Info TOPIC: When in doubt don't ..


~*Service Worker*~

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When in doubt don't ..


LOL .. oh my, my oldest really puts me through the parenting loops and tests me in ways I constantly fail. 

He pulled something that was completely unfair, as I have been extremely clear about how I feel about the person he's dating.  So I  have a trans son who is dating a gay boy (that came out after the two of them started dating and my son decided to transition) who has decided he's a trans woman (as my son goes through his transition) .. let's try to say .. codie much?  I can't keep track of all of the new pronouns and it was told me to me in a way that was highly inappropriate and tells me the level of deception that has been going on .. it is lying and deceptive behavior and the rationale that is going on is not impressive in the least. 

I'm a pretty open person.  I also see things from a different point of view, neither better or worse just different.  I have accepted what my oldest wants to do and is continuing on that path that is totally on him.  I don't appreciate being blind sided by what he pulled and he realized right then what he did was totally unfair unfortunately I am not impressed by the immaturity on his part.  I also realize this is a youth thing.  I kind of have a feeling that's not happening again.  I think I have shocked him in new ways and I am pissed is putting it mildly .. 7 days of peace and enjoyment of my kids .. why why why why do I constantly get information I just do not want to know at this point.  WHY!?  You know why couldn't I have this kind of flow of information with my XAH when he was in the throws of drinking everything came out AFTER the fact .. I'm like come on God .. really?! 

I don't understand everything was going along fine great visit, I made a calculated error apparently .. I returned two redbox movies .. and he asked to go to Target .. we didn't make it to Target before I was blindsided by the original news and the way he chose to bring it up was neither funny, cute or anything.  Let's just say the physical change that came over me in that moment probably scared the crap out of him and that part I am not thrilled with in myself .. by the time we got to Target he was in tears and I honestly did not care .. you take a shot gun out, .. shoot yourself in the foot and cry about the results .. I'm not having it.  Period.  Adult away my friend .. because it sucks to have to accept responsibility for self inflicted pain.  We have an agreement that the school shooter is not discussed by either of us .. that means I don't make snide comments and he doesn't involve me in his relationship .. he's got a shrink for that crap .. not on me.  It's been an agreement to agree to disagree. 

My patience level is empty.  My eyeballs have rolled so hard I'm sure I have probably gotten cardio between yesterday and today.  We have had a flurry of texting which honestly is not a good way to communicate this issue.  I keep hearing well I didn't do anything that bad .. umm .. really?  Let's see .. the trust I started to have for you is now back out the window because all of the current pronouns being used were done so in a very deceptive way.  I felt stupid and used in that regard and it was mean spirited to do that on so many levels .. knowing how I feel about that boy. 

I'm really trying to apply program and the only thing coming to mind is HALT .. LOL .. no hormones today Satan .. however I am hungry .. maybe I need a ritual that involves my first born .. I don't know at this point .. LOL .. I am planning on eating some pizza and hoping to curb my inner beast. 

This too shall pass, although right now it feels like a kidney stone and I am not happy about it.  I probably don't need to talk to people wanting to have children, pregnant, or just had children .. I'm pretty positive they would give their kids away after a small discussion. 

Hugs S :)

 

 



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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(((Serenity)) in my thoughts and prayers

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs, (((Serenity))). Sending you positive thoughts, I hope you HALTing will help!

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Veteran Member

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Hi Serenity

You sound a bit like I feel - frustrated, ready to blow etc? But I'm sorry, I didn't quite get what the issue is? When you say 'codie' or 'pronoun' are these really things? What was so deceitful? When in doubt dont ... what? At any rate you are sounding hurt and it seems you were misled so that is difficult for you.

I think its difficult, today, that young people are growing up in this very fast moving trans world. I get that it is right and normal for many people but there does seem to be a sudden surge in gender identity and transitioning issues. It is ALL quite blindsiding if you grew up without any of these things being talked about or without knowing anyone who transitioned etc. My nephew, who is 16 (his mum died less than two years ago), absolutely loves drag. You can see that he comes alive when he talks about it or watches it on TV. He has even been to a couple of live shows with his dad. If he explores all of that I really hope that he is doing so with a confidence and not just doing it as a form of escapism.

Hang in there. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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((((Serenity))))

I too am a little confused by the exact nature of the issue. Is it that your oldest told you that his current boyfriend wants to be his girlfriend? Regardless, he did cross the boundary that you both agreed upon... no discussing the boyfriend... period. Deep breaths, my dear! You will get through this!

As for when this is all coming to light, my take on it is that your oldest feels "safe" with you... accepted. So things that could've come out earlier but didn't are now seeing the light of day. That's because you work hard to be a good Mom.

Peace.

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I find so much comfort in the 3 "C"s of our program which support the slogan "When in doubt don't".  My sponsor gave me that slogan over 30 years ago an one of the greatest gifts I receive from it is ....pause.  Pause is a very big quiet room where I can hear and understand better.  (((hugs))) wink



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~*Service Worker*~

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Food helped .. LOL ..

The pronoun issue is that as my son and I were originally speaking he brought up without prompting from me that he was now dating a woman. I said oh wow I'm really excited for you and he mentioned that the woman was also trans .. I kind of assumed he meant female to male kind of transitioning and proceeds to gleefully inform me that it's the current boyfriend. Then proceeded to lecture me over the proper use of pronouns .. let's just say .. the timing, tone and over all appropriateness based upon my feelings being known was completely inappropriate. And yes .. he took me by surprise and I felt foolish. Foolish because I had been hearing I'm going on a date with a lady, .. I had a friend over while I was talking to dad and so on. All misleading me in what has been going on.

Then there is the whole codependent relationship issue. Apparently my son's entire college experience is joined at the hip of this other person and I am disappointed this is the extent of the experience. My hope and want which is my expectation and on me .. was that this was going to be a time for him to discover himself not enmesh himself into a relationship. Gender issues are hard enough without going into them with a full on heavy relationship that is not healthy.

I find the boyfriend to be disrespectful, condescending, a jerk, and abusive .. I am not impressed .. this is what I dealt with via text that I did not initiate. So he really buried himself with me ... I had told my kid that I was starting to be willing come summer to actually engage again with him now .. oh hell no .. it will be next year before that happens. Now he realizes what a HUGE mistake he made and is like oh crap .. how do I reverse time .. well .. the whole shot gun to foot .. LOL .. umm .. ok. Let's see .. don't be arrogant and things might go better.

The conversation came up about with a girlfriend of mine .. are the gender issues new or is it that we just talk about them now. And by the way there is a difference between being drag, being trans and I could go on .. lol .. again with the labeling that is a def a generational thing .. the need for labels or they don't fit .. it's the weirdest thing to watch in these kids. My kids generation needs labels.

Anyway, that's why I found the whole thing disrespectful it was misleading and it was purposefully done with malice. Not ok and not going to happen again, now he is dealing with those consequences.

Hugs S :)



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Sending prayers and positive thoughts girl. I can say that I process at the rate my HP wants me to. Your oldest has brought way too much 'data' to you all at once and if it were me, I'd be overwhelmed and have confusion. I do agree that the gender identity labels are extremely confusing and I'm just someone trying to accept and understand from the outside.

When my boys call me out for being wrong or misinformed, while it is disrespectful, I tend to just use my tools, pray for them and restate that I am not now perfect nor will I ever be. Mine are both very sarcastic and have anger issues, so it happens more than desired. It can not be easy for you or your home right now - so sending some peace too.

And - spring break lasts all week - right? I hope you have some plan B fun things just for you! (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Ah, Serenity... I understand. It seems it was more of the delivery than anything... well that & the fact that just because boyfriend is now a girlfriend that doesn't somehow magically change the core of the person... you still have the same boundary regarding your eldest's SO, and he just pushed that. I get it.

I agree with you, it is a funny thing to listen to all these labels the teens are giving themselves... just five years ago (if that) people were on the 'no label' bandwagon. LOL!

I do feel it is hard to accept that your son's college experience is narrowed b/c of this relationship. However, they may be a thing of the past in 6 months... who knows?

Pause, slogans, deep breaths, keep your boundary strong... you certainly know the drill!

Sending you peace!

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Today I feel better and I have a very funny story about that .. changing the things I can and letting the rest go .. LOL. I'll post later .. things have settled a bit and I was very clear again regarding boundaries.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Glad you're feeling better today Serenity!! Good on you for restating your boundaries. I at times felt like a broken record, and when I was very exhausted and was learning how to avoid the drama/chaos with mine, I often would say, "I have nothing new or different to say - just play the tapes in your head." Not always a path to coexisting peace, but certainly helpful for self-care and self-protection.

Sending continued positive thoughts and prayers - (((hugs))) too!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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sorry you're going through this Serenity .. when the truth is hidden it seems we are at our craziest (since the truth is what frees us in this program) .. prayers in & hugs

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~*Service Worker*~

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My oldest and I got lunch at a fast food place and we had just a chill day together and it was really nice. We went to something called a "Cat Café" .. you sit with cats that are available for adoption and they are free to roam while you just can hang out. We went shopping after and did not get everything I thought we would done .. I'm ok with that at this point.

The one truth that is constant is that the core of my kid is still the same .. the outside package is what is taking some time to adjust to as well as my gender expectations and letting go of my girl. No one wants to watch someone they love struggle with the world as it is set up today. It doesn't matter if it's simply trying to fit in and struggling with others or struggling with themselves be it addiction or body dysphoria (sp?). It is hard to watch all of that and know there is nothing you can do except be supportive, sometimes just silently and I haven't gotten the silent part down in the least ... lol.

The funniest thing about the restaurant experience was listening to the family seated behind us .. LOL .. the mom you could tell had made the same statement 100x and the dad was standing behind her saying the same thing and the kids continued on .. I started laughing and turned around and said .. don't you just wish you had every statement you said more than 10x on instant record that you popped a button and it played instead of saying it over and over. I can think of 50 right now I would have paid good money to hit a button so I didn't have to repeat myself. Don't worry .. it doesn't get any better with the repeating .. LOL .. it does make you think you've lost your mind at some point. Of course my son was mortified and I turned to him and said oh yes child .. I have been there done that with you and your brother 1000x. Mom and Dad both laughed and said yup already have one that is 21 .. and all I could say is bless you at least you know you survived one you can survive this crew as well (there were 2 boys and 1 girl, youngest looked to be in elementary school and the oldest looked to be in lower middle school). It was fun to listen to them banter between them. My kid and I exchanged a glance and laughed .. I'm sure others have had similar thoughts listening to the 3 of us when we were all together and they were around that age.

It was a really nice day though no missteps by either of us and just a time to relax. My son also is realizing that some habits that are ingrained are not easy to break .. I mentioned can you imagine if all of a sudden I told you not to call me Mom and address me as a whole other name like Steve, something that for him would be incredibly foreign and awkward. And he agreed and said that would be really difficult and it would take a whole lot of getting used to and then not to be home and trying to remember in the heat of the moment.

We touched on relationships however as I explained again .. of course I support him, I have yet to see how this relationship is a positive one for him. He's contributed to my perception of that as an issue. I don't have to invite crazy into my home. It's just not my issue in that regard. I reiterated that what he is going through is not the same as the sig other .. there is a difference between coming off pills having a psychotic break and just being psychotic and not addressing core issues. I pointed out as well .. .my son has a habit of picking people who are weak minded .. meaning they rely on the opinions of others to feel good about themselves. Some of that may be an age thing however some of that is not, and will be carried forward into adulthood if the same perceived truths stick.

Hugs S :)



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Serenity - Wow, what a difference a few days make... you sound wonderful! Very positive, strong with your program, and applying where it is needed! I am so happy you and Kid had a good time.
I love those Cat Cafes (not sure how to insert the accent here)!! They are fun & provide interaction for kitties who would typically be waiting in a cage for someone to adopt. Since I had heard of those, I have wished I had enough money to open one! LOL!

Make it a great week, Serenity!



__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



Senior Member

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Hugs to you (((Serenity)))

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~*Service Worker*~

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I'm sending (((hugs))) too girl...I have never heard of a cat cafe and now I'm intrigued! I'll have to see if there is such a thing around here.

I am glad you were able to have a great time with your oldest and just enjoy each other. Keep doing you and trust the process and program.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Basically this is set up as an adoption center with the flare of allowing people to come in and socialize with the kitties. I found it on Groupon and it was down the street which in Texas means in the same town by driving 15 min lol. They offered couches .. bean bag chairs .. places you got on the same level with the animals to interact. My kid loves cats and I miss mine so it was a win and I think we will go back sometime during the summer. Our entrance fee included a drink and a snack so that was fun. ;)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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They have a few in Cali (of course), but I like how part of your entrance fee goes toward the cat's care and adoption!

How's it going, Serenity?

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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It's a going my friend, I am just taking things a day at a time and staying in step 1 right now. It has made a big difference .. letting go.

Although the XAH showed his parenting ability (NOT) yesterday by informing my oldest he needs to ask me about insurance as he doesn't have that information .. ummm .. it's your f'ing insurance .. LOL? Really? I volleyed back and explained .. he's at work .. where his insurance is located .. contact him again and repeat your request. You're at school, I'm at work where his insurance is NOT located .. LOL .. I'm not getting involved although I'm getting the voodoo doll out.

Whatever he is or isn't doing .. LOL .. he shows the parent he's not. After all the holidays have passed and there is no need to look good anymore and now that the birthdays of the kids are coming he's really ducking out. He truly is a gift that keeps giving .. LOL .. giving what .. I don't know .. so I'm really just trying to stay in my own hula hoop and stay out of it all. I have my own stuff to deal with and I'm just kind of zenning it at the moment. Let him show his true face .. I'm no longer masking it.

Anyway, what about you? Things are ok and that's a good thing.

Those cat cafés started in Japan .. which I love that idea :)

Hugs S :)



-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 20th of March 2018 12:16:15 PM

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

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