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Just as I was starting to feel somewhat ok with how I was doing.... I went to a face to face meeting tonight and when I got out, I checked my texts. AH had texted me about 10 min before the end of the meeting that he got fired and his sponsor was trying keep him from killing himself. That was about 2 hours ago and I have heard nothing since. I have tried texting and calling to no avail. I did speak with his sponsor who told me that AH had agreed to go to a 9pm AA meeting but he never showed and now is not answering his sponsor either. I am concerned to put it lightly. I am praying and have everybody I know praying for him as well. I even called the non emergency police line since he had mentioned killing himself and they said they would put out a general broadcast to be on the lookout for his car. I am just trying to meditate/pray/breathe and not worry but that is really hard. I don't even care about the job. I feel like maybe it is a blessing in disguise because he has been so stressed there and working like 90 hours a week. But still, I know this was hard for him as he had worked there 25 years. I am just praying he will be ok and that he gets in touch with me soon. Thanks for listening!
I'm there with David on this in the hope i'm not making light either .. sometimes .. they have also learned how to get our attention .. alcoholism is dominating manipulating cunning powerful .. it's also a thinking disease not just drinking .. with the manipulation sometimes it's words they use (or actions) at times to get us to ''feel'' a certain way .. fearful ? sorry ? worried .. concerned ? confused ? I sure hope it's not the other ... keeping you and all in prayers on this end .. hoping for the best for you .. the reason i say the above is through experience on my end for having lived with an addict .. i heard a lot of things but after awhile began to recognize i believed everything he told me and i had taught him how to treat me .. he knew exactly what to do and say .. he knew what worked .. knew me like an open book so sort of like creating a crisis so that yes then they are free (from harassment) to self administer .. went through this myself :-/ of course if something did happen then it would be awful .. So on that note .. i like that you phoned the police because in this way its a win win .. if there is something more serious going on they can help .. but in addition if it weren't and if he were doing the manipulating or crisis creating as said .. it would become a reversed situation (backfire for him) ... you would be teaching him instead how to treat you (better) or not to treat you .. an he may think once or twice before doing the same again next time .. not such a bad thing .. please do let us know how this goes ..
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Prayers from Hawaii...on the way. I've gone thru suicide ideation in the past before program and had lots of support from the medical community and counselors and sponsors and just kept working it. I stopped drinking during the ideation and hung on to the fellowship till I learned to try to help others in the same state. It works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
Well, he was found. Unfortunately, it was by an officer who was arresting him for DUI. At least I know he's safe. He is spending the night in a small town jail and will be transported to the big jail in the morning. I talked to him for a minute and told him I loved him and that we would get through this together and then talked to the officer to make sure she knew he had talked about killing himself earlier. I told her I didn't know if he had been serious but she said she already knew and was taking precautions. Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts. I appreciate them!
I'm so glad that he was found before something worse happened.
Everytime I read a post it amazing me how much this disease replicates itself. We are going through the same exact thing, just at different times. Unfortunately, so is the alcoholic.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
(((notrub))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers. Take good care of you and know that he's safe in a controlled environment. We never know what comes next - hoping you can trust the process and let it unfold!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good news, actually, all things considered, great news. I hope this is his "rock bottom" and he now finds the desire to get better, get healthy and live a life of recovery.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Big hugs .. I'm very glad he was found safe. I too hope he finds recovery in the meantime please take care of you. Your story about the threats and dui got home based upon what I went through. You said something I remember saying and looking back now I understand how twisted up I was .. please remember this is his DUI and his consequences .. let then fall. I let using the proverbial "we" lol .. I didn't get a DUI .. HE did. And while his hinny was on fire he said all the right things. His hinny needs to be on fire and I encourage you not to put it out .. let him. Allow him the dignity to figure things out sometimes slowly sometimes quickly. In the meantime go to as many meetings as you can get a sponsor and work your steps as if your life depends on it because it does. Big hugs s ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I feel I must give you my ESH on a very similar situation. My now RAH (3 yrs sobriety) has almost exactly the same experience. He was able to salvage his career and did find a way to work with the situation so that his legal issues, though extremely expensive, were reduced to virtually nothing.
Immediately prior to the arrest, I was very angry about the drinking and lying and all that Jazz. I had even gone to a lawyer that very day to discuss divorce. Unfortunately, the situation was unusual in that the trooper literally FaceTime called me in the middle of my childs pageant practice....blue lights swirling from my lit up phone in the darkened arena... oh, how I wanted to leave him there, and I would have too. I had had enough! However, special circumstances ensured me that I had no choice but to bail him out. Oh....was I angry. He was literally screaming and blaming me while in the jail....insane, and I wasnt going to have it because I had been to just enough AlAnon meetings to know that accepting the blame was not going to work.
I did have to take him home, but locked him in the Mother-in-law suite. Unfortunately, when I took my child o school, I forgot to change the code on the door locks and he was inside when I got home. I refused to help him and readied myself to go back to the lawyers office, all the while, he was begging, crying, and everything an active A does. I was a WRECK!
I ended up postponing the divorce process, but didn't tell him and made him move out. I simply refused to accept no for an answer and said he would get out or I would call the police...period.
Now, please don't think this was easy or taken well. He was MAD. He got much madder and much sadder before he got better...thats for sure!!
Like yours, mine was potentially suicidal, but he would not say the exact words...just hint. For a few weeks we did this dance and I finally agreed to stay his wife, so long as he was trying to work things out. It was only after he has been to AA and had really hit bottom (or so I pray) that I let him move back in to the house. It was still awkward and felt horrible. I still refused to accept any blame for his actions, but I stopped hounding him about them.
It took a couple more weeks for him to finally detox himself at home and even a rather serious discussion and a work situation for him to give up the last beer a day. But, that was it...at least I pray it was. It has been just about three years now. He did end up keeping his job, but was sanctioned monetarily and in writing. He had to pay a hefty fine and to attend classes. He also ended up on a professional probation of sorts for over two years. It was quite a blow for him and his ego and he had to deal with it himself. Yet, he did deal with it...and has not only been promoted multiple times by now, but is in his dream job.
He is also sober, working a program and sponsoring others. We are still married and are honestly happier on most days, despite other changes that have come. He also sought out a MH professional and is on antidepressants, which were needed very badly and which he should have been on for many years, but was too drunk to care. You see, he was the very attractive, very powerful, very wonderful man everyone loved..except he wasn't. It was all an act. It was all a lie and conceit.
He is still very attractive, but has gained some weight (which is perfectly fine with me), is even more powerful in his career, and is even more wonderful, but this time it is not a lie. Now it is for real, because now he is speaking the truth and works his program daily.
My share is to tell you what I had to learn...and that was to allow him the dignity to be his own man. I had to stop trying to run his life and hiding behind my own fears. I had to stop trying to catch him doing wrong and start trusting that his HP had him under his care. I had to admit I was wrong. I did not have the answers and I was nagging him to death. I had to let him alone so that he could become the man he is, rather than the man I pretended he was.
Are things perfect, no!!! Are they good at home...yes. And, if I had to do any of it over again, I would...but I pray this time I would know better than to try to control him because I found out the only person I can control is me...and I don't even get that right a large part of the time. So, unless I am omnipotent, which I am most certainly not, I am going to just let go and let God have this one...just for today.
My prayers are with you. You have done the right thing. Please allow yourself time to think and find some meetings so you will have the tools necessary to let him become the man he s going to become one day, Today could literally change the rest of your life ...and his.
-- Edited by Doingmybest on Thursday 15th of March 2018 03:51:31 AM
... would be good to know how things turn out... 
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