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I have been with AH for over 20 years (married 19 last Nov) and he has been trying to quit drinking for a little over a year now. I know there are going to be relapses and I am usually not mad about that (disappointed, yes but mad, no because it does no good to be mad). So, at the first part of the year, AH was prescribed an anxiety med by his Dr and last month, was prescribed an older anti depressant to help combat his severe headaches. He is also on Contrave to help with alcohol cravings. Things have been going fairly well and just last night, he said between the anxiety med and the anti depressant, he felt golden. He could sleep (an ongoing issue) and issues at work were not bothering him. It was all good. This morning, in looking for his car keys, we found an old bottle of vodka (mostly empty) behind the couch. Didn't think much of it he has them hidden all over during his drunk days so who knows when that was from. I talked to him at work about 8 hrs ago and he was great. I went to work and came home about an hour ago and he is passed out on the couch. Talked to my girls and they said he came home earlier than he was scheduled, wouldn't answer why he was home so early, went outside to do something and came back in and fell asleep. The oldest went snooping and saw that the wheel on his car is very messed up, he left the garage door open and in his car, she found 4 vodka bottles (3 hidden under seats and 1 in a mcdonald's bag on the floorboard). I am so very upset right now. I just want to wake him up and smack him! Not like it would do good at this point since he is obviously drunk. So now his actions again are going to cost us- monetarily and emotionally. I just don't know what happened. Did something happen at work that he didn't text me about? Did seeing the vodka bottle this morning trigger him? Something else? Ugh!! I am trying to let it go. No sense in getting worked up but that is easier said than done. Best believe we will be having some words in the morning but hopefully, they will be calm and not hateful. I know this has to get easier if I work on me. I just don't know how to make my actions match what I should do. I know I should not be stressing about what he is doing. I know I should detach. I just don't know how to do that. So I am venting. If you read all this, thank you.
Welcome...you are right...no sense in getting worked up, and yes, that is easier said than done. However, trying to make sense of it, getting worked up, and trying to figure it out...you will drive yourself crazy. That, and everything else is up to you.
So, many of us have been exactly where you are. We faced what you are facing. It's common. Very common. It happens. We hear relapse is part of recovery. Some don't agree with that statement. It doesn't matter. Focus on YOU. Go to face to face meetings, spike up your meetings. Meeting makers make it! Work with your sponsor. Focus on acceptance, letting go, and detachment -- both physical and emotional. Also, establish and implement boundaries. That said, having some words in the morning...why? What do you feel like saying? What is your motivation for having some words in the morning? Think about that. A lot. Think it through. All the way through. Are the words you will be having -- are they...what? An effort to fix him? His drinking? Sobriety? His efforts? Control? Anyone can say anything under the guise of "expressing" themselves, being "nice" so to speak, being truthful, supportive, and so on. Be honest...check your motives. Talk to your sponsor first and work on that.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo, thank you for the kind words. I guess I am trying to have control without actually having it, in a way, if that makes sense? Like I want to know what triggered him to drink, what he did to the car, if he still has a job (hopefully) or did he do something stupid and get fired. I know I can't control those things, especially as they are already done, and whatever his answers are will probably just irritate me more. I just have some weird need to know these answers. Unfortunately, I am still pretty new to this and don't have an official sponsor yet to talk it over with. I am hoping to do more face to face meetings soon and get one though. In the meantime, I will just be praying to be calm and handle it the way I should (which is probably not how I want to handle it).
Hi, notrub, its great you are reaching out here! I'm sorry you are experiencing the effects of the disease of alcoholism, and you are right, no amount of anger can make a disease go away, it only can make everyone feel worse, but for me, who have been denying my feelings for very long, any emotion is 100% worth acknowledging or it comes back to bite me in behind. In Alanon I learned that feelings are not facts, which I didn't realize before. It seems it is often preferable to not act on my feelings to avoid doing thoughtless, harmful things, but wait out until I have cooled down. What you write about trying to control when you actually can't, it makes complete sense to me and I think to many in the program. This is what I am still working on because I learned living with an alcoholic that I "must" control the whole universe (I'm not completely kidding, sadly) because who else would do that? No wonder I felt nuts. Ask yourself, what is the most loving, the most nurturing thing I can do for myself today? This helps me to take better care of me, focus on me, my needs and my life, instead of the A or anyone else. Sending you cyberhugs! Keep coming back. I feel that since this program works for a nutter like me it will work for most people ;) It just doesn't happen all at once, and anyway its always progress and not perfection we are working for.
It's very difficult to cope with alcoholism. You have a lot of shoulds in your post. You should be calm or should not be angry or react. It's difficult to live by these rules and I can relate very well to the shoulding. Learning not to react and taking back power of your own emotions came for me by working the program. Going to meetings , getting a sponsor, the steps all got me to a place of awareness and then accepting what was and what wasn't. It was a process that led onto taking action. Only then did i have tools to help replace my negative reactions and thought processes into thoughtful responses that were good for me and everyone concerned. I'm not sure it's possible to jump the process and just stop reacting in a comfortable way. I imagine that's a bit like the drinker putting down the drink without dealing with the actual problem. It's good to try picking up a tool like staying calm and not reacting but alanon is so much more because it helps these tools become part of us. I hope you manage to get help in alanon. It's a wonderful journey.
Long term relationships with an alcoholic addict are hard I was with the now ex A for 7 years. That is one of the longest relationships I have ever had
I spent a lot of time focusing on the amount if time that I had been with him. Now I have been away.ftom the ex A almost as long as I was with.him.
Al.anon.can helo.a lot with.detaching (detaching is hard to learn u need a lot of practice de escalating focusing on yourself and more. Most of all.al anon offers a lot if support
In particular there is a lot of support from others who can certainly relate to where you are One of the best things I.did was to get a sponsor A sponsor helped me refocus I was desperately depressed (therapy helped).
There is a lot of hope here. Most of all I.have learned to stop beating myself up
I'm not sure where the concept of relapse is part of recovery because it's not .. someone is sober or they are not. Relapse is always possible the amount of time sober there is no guarantee that is given. Those are my observations and truths regarding sobriety. I had a big discussion with my oldest who has decided to get themselves into sober living which I think is great .. however tried to pull the I have been sober for 90 days and I asked so no pot for 90 days? They got really rigorously honest with themselves as well as others, and said well .. 60 days. I was like honey .. regardless you gotta be honest with yourself above and beyond because that's how slips happen. So you want to live sober then be sober .. mind altering is mind altering. It's not about beating up it's about doing better.
Anyways, he's going to drink or not drink .. what are YOU going to do. That's where Alanon for me became a life saver .. now I am trying to keep the focus on me when my kids are trying to experience the growing pains of what's going on and how things are going
I am sorry that this is so hard because it is hard. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who can't be honest about what's going on. I had to get really honest with myself about getting healthy for my own mental state.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Notrub ((((HUGS)))) I'm going through the same thing you are right now. I find bottles all over never sure if it's 1 day old or 1 year old. I never know if he's still employed every morning. I always cringe on thoughts of how much money he has piss*d out lately. Then I think of how many tickets I've paid for to ride the next roller-coaster. Wondering when is the day the AH will enter into serious recovery. Then I realize I have no answers to any of these questions. I find these questions useless and worrisome. I'm just now learning boundaries but am having a hard time figuring out if there healthy or controling Heck I even bought a breathalyzer so I can do my part to hinder his drinking and driving. Is it healthy, is it controlling? I have no clue but at least I might be able to stop misery and heartache for another family. I just want you to know there are some of us in the EXACT place you are right now. I believe my growth will happen with or without my AH. I prefer with him. I have fears if i detach to much I will detach my way out the door. But believe me if thats what it takes for me to find peace I will! Just remember always, Your are NOT alone.
-- Edited by StarryAmmo on Sunday 11th of March 2018 11:28:10 AM
Hi All and Thank you for ESH. In here again as I foolishly believed our AS had dealt with enough consequences and was choosing a road to sobriety. Well we were looking forward to dinner to celebrate his one year Anniversary and turning in his breathalyzer. ...and seemingly he is passed out on the couch. I honestly have so many emotions going on in my hear right now and the only thing I can think to do is share in here right now. I am hoping he doesn't call for awhile until I can clear my head of sadness, disappointment, anger and fear. I am contemplating setting a boundary that if he chooses to drink I choose not to talk with him. This is most likely me trying to control his behavior just for today I'll be unavailable until my thinking clears. Reading your shares today has been a comfort and I'm grateful .
Stan1 .. I find I can't edit if I'm on my phone or tablet. My laptop I can. I am sorry to hear about your son .. kids are a different ball of wax. I think more so to mothers . . I know how I have struggled recently .. you know I keep reminding myself they are not doing to me .. and they are doing the best they know how .. how do I do no harm and help guide them to the next level of adulthood .. there is no easy answer. I refuse to give them access to my already gray hair. Lol. I do know 100% if I am not addressing my core needs then I have no business trying to make good decisions ... I can't and it's an oxymoron. Thinking of you and yours .. big hugs .. just keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Stan1 I've set the no talking while you are drunk boundary. For me it's not about controlling him, but controlling me. AH works hard at trying to pick a fight and what seems to be pleasant conversation at first always degenerates, into a fight. We've been married 32 years and he knows what triggers me. So I'm better off not engaging until he sobers up. Unfortunately that can be as long as three weeks. I always find it better to gently remind him that we will talk when he sobers up and to try not to respond to his inflammatory comments and behavior. I still get angry, but I remind myself to keep the focus on me.
Welcome to MIP Notrub - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for the pain and confusion the disease has brought to your home/family. This disease is powerful and we are powerless. It's confusing, frustrating and maddening - which is why we have Al-Anon for friends and family of alcoholics. You will be welcome at any meeting no matter what he or anyone else is/is not doing...
For all - there is no doubt that relapses suck....I also don't 'view' them as part of recovery, just a possibility. I have seen too many folks with years of recovery go out and start drinking again. This is where it's cunning, baffling and powerful. Facts on paper show an alcoholic that life is easier, better, cheaper and saner when the substance is removed. But the disease lies in wait, ever present, and consistently pulls at the alcoholic in subtle ways.
I've always loved the three C(s) when facing relapses. I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. This simple slogan helps to remind me that I am powerless over others but can decide what makes sense for me, just for today. Stan1 - I see your program in action and so understand your pain and disappointment. You are doing great - pause is a lovely tool for me and helps to keep me from reacting.
What has worked well for me is stepping up all of my program efforts and may sponsor. Recovery is hard work and while relapses happen, I've come to just focus as best I can on it being one event in my day that happened. Al-Anon allows me to feel what I feel and then gently reminds me that feelings are not facts. What 'is' today is not forever and how I feel right now is not permanent.
Sending tons of (((Hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers out to all - be gentle with self and take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank IAH and groo. I have set my no talk boundary and like the idea that my thoughts on the relapse do not need to be an all day affair. Know it is easier said than done and I'm still finding it challenging today to move on with the day and do something productive. A reminder of the three C's has really helped .
I hear you.....there have been times where I have felt paralyzed by this disease. What others suggestion was Action - any action and it does help me....from productive like cleaning a closet to program - attending a meeting to self-care - a walk outside with music. For me, any action helps me change my focus, even if for a while only....(((Hugs)))
On a more 'fun' thought - I have a program gal pal who hides herself in the Shades of Gray novels when she's in need of a thinking change. What's awesome about recovery is we get to sample different things and go with what works, just for today!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for the replies. I am reading and re-reading and trying to immerse myself in the knowledge you all have. I did speak with him yesterday and just asked what happened. He claims he does not know and remembers nothing after leaving work Saturday. I am not sure if I believe him but it is possible. I know how cunning and baffling alcohol is to him and me as well. I did not get upset with him about it, just wanted to know what had happened. So now he is mad at himself and scared, as I am, that something may happen that he does not even recall doing at all. It is a scary, very real, possibility. I am not trying to worry over that though. Just leaving it in God's hands. AH has been extra distant to me since this happened and again, I am trying not to take it personally but I am not to that point yet, I guess. I find myself texting him that I love him and am not mad at him etc and when he does not reply, it makes me upset/feel very down on myself. So today, I am reading this board and my literature and trying to give it over to God and not worry about AH's lack of responses. He is dealing with his own feelings/illness so I have to deal with mine. I do plan on going to a face to face meeting tomorrow which I know will do some good. Thank you all for being here and responding.
**As far as relapses, I don't think it is necessarily a part of recovery. I just think that I am not surprised that they happen. I don't expect AH to be perfect. I just expect him to try to his best (maybe still not the best thing to expect on my end? LOL!) and try again and not give up. He has tried again so many times. I am thankful for that. It is just hard to go through it each and every time it happens.
Relapses are sometimes a part of recovery, and there is also the fact that relapses are part of not recovering. Everyone's experience is different, but eventually I discovered that when I thought my recovering A was having a number of relapses, what was actually happening was that he was sometimes able to hide his drinking (the "recovery") and sometimes not (the "relapses"). That is, he was drinking the whole time. He just pretended to be in recovery. Well, that was a shock to me, at least the first time. From what I know now, I think I wouldn't start to conclude that someone was not drinking, and in real recovery, until it had been at least a year since obvious drinking. For me, probably more like five years. Actually, it's dangerous for me to be around a possible drinker, because I have my own relapses into worrying, anger, codependency, unhealthy thinking, and all those bad old things. Ugh! But I'm getting off the point. I guess my point is that each day has its own situation, and we take them day by day. It's good to have a Plan B for non-recovery, though, because that is always a real and present danger. Take good care of yourself.
Thanks for your ESH, Mattie. That may very well be true. He may be still drinking and hiding it pretty well. I don't truly know. I feel like he is trying and outside of the times I know that he has relapsed, been clean. Regardless, I am trying very hard today to focus on me and what I am doing to be healthy for me. He had a dr's appt this afternoon and I did not text him to ask what happened (very hard for me not to do). I did text him when I got an alert from the pharmacy saying his prescription was delayed because I didn't know if the pharmacy had alerted him about it. Then I let it go. He texted me later telling me what the dr had said and that he thinks he drank the other night because he didn't take one of his medications that is supposed to curb the alcohol cravings. He said he set up an alarm system on his phone to remind him to take his meds on time. I think that is a good idea and I am glad he came up with the idea on his own so he is trying to be more responsible for his own recovery. One day at a time is a good motto for both he and I. Have a good evening and thanks for listening.
Notrub - you done good letting go - I hear you and can relate as to how hard it is to change our own patterns, worries, etc. For me, I prefer to trust the program, HP and the process and let things unfold. I often wondered if "the slip/relapse" was isolated or 'they just got caught' and I've decided in recovery to stay with the One Day at a Time. When my mind began that type of wondering, it rarely ended up with productive outcomes - just more worry, distrust, anxiety and negative thinking.
I choose to believe what I am told until I am proven wrong. It helps me stay positive, serene and open to growth and change. I wish you both well and am sending tons of positive thoughts your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
