The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two years ago I had no job, was isolated, and was living with a mentally ill delusional alcoholic (AH) who was the main bread winner. Things were horrible so I decided to say yes to a few opportunities. My SIL got me a part time job, my other SIL invited us to join her bike group, and the delusional alcoholic remained a delusional alcoholic who was the main bread winner.
It was a huge struggle for me with the job, I hadn't worked in 10 years and I had to relearn workplace culture, but things are much better now. I fell right into the bike group along with my BIL the other SIL and her husband. Then the other SIL and her husband were murdered. My BIL and I decided we would continue to ride with the bike group as a way to honor their memory.
Now what was a blessing has turned into a disaster. My part time job is a dead end and does not cover the bills. AH drinks the housenote and barely works. His liver is giving out. I can't seem to find the confidence to interview for another job, it's like I freeze up and panic and no one has answered the few applications I've put out there anyways. And now, just yesterday, a coworker asked me about all the time I'm spending on my bike ride so now I know my SIL has some issues with it even though she has told me several times she was fine with it. AH is too paranoid to go into a recovery program and is barely working. I can't pay the full water bill.
So now what? All I want to do is sit in bed and cry all day. I don't see any way out of this mess. My bike ride was my social outlet and now Im wondering if I should quit, and how do I do that without hurting my BIL's feelings. As for the job situation, I just can't seem to be able to sell my self. I feel like a liar when I list my skills. I don't feel capable and like even if I got a decent job they would find me inept and fire me. And of course delusional AH is getting worse all the time.
So now what? I don't think my HP has my back on this at all.
First off I want to give you HUGSI don't know if I have anything to say to help you feel better. I'm the opposite. I'm the bread winner in the house most the time. Pushed into it when the AH started on his road to Alcoholism about 15 years ago. But I hurt for you. When I figured out I would be the one who paid the rent, put food on the table and pay to keep the lights on I pulled something out from deep down. I had some pretty intense anxiety issue I was dealing with at the time. I couldn't even go to the grocery store alone. All this while having 3 children. Fast forward 15 yrs. I have a career I'm REALLY good at. Still dealing with the AH. I just want you to know you CAN do amazing things when you're back is pushed to the wall. I got a job thinking I was a joke to everyone then slowly I realized I was the opposite. They needed me. Shocking but true! Now going to work is my safeet place. Where I'm the most at peace. I hope you've found something in this post you can relate to and use. Please always remember EVERYTHING has a Shining Star waiting to burst forth.....
{{{Hugs, Groo }} I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I'm glad you reached out here. Living with an alcoholic is painful, and we need a healthy way to manage the pain. In my experience I've found it's often darkest just before the dawn.
With what you have on your plate, and the tragedy with your SIL, it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and depressed. Is there a local Al-Anon meeting you could go to, and/or some low-cost therapy options so you have someone to talk to? Both of those things helped me.
The bike group sounds like a really healthy activity. If the bike group helps you, there's no need to take other people's remarks to heart.
I know many people these days who have had a very hard time finding a job -- and they are great people with great skills -- but they did eventually land good jobs. It takes a lot of persistence, facing one rejection after another, and not giving up before the miracle happens.
But what now, just for today? How about just one small thing you can do for yourself? I've found I often get ideas to break through my problems when I take a walk.
Thank you Starry Ammo and Freetime. I can't afford even low cost therapy, we spent all of the savings and retirement money on his being in rehab, (over and over again). I am in an Al-Anon group and it has helped tremendously, but this has really laid me low. I'm just so tired of all of this mess that never stops. Lol, yes my workplace is the most peace I have in a day too! I am surrounded by people who grump about working there and there I am Susie sunshine because I'm not home looking at a paranoid drunk who constantly thinks "they" are coming for him. Thank you all so much for the cheering up, and ESH. It's helped lighten the weight on my shoulders.
When I first came to the al.anon group I.was where you.are. I worked part time at a job that paid very little The now ex A did absolutely everything he could to sabotage me
I got other jobs but none of then worked out I was absolutely broke I was also of course obsessed with him I was desperate.
I felt very very depressed
One thing I did was to get a sponsor i.I also spent a lot of time in this program. The more of this program I embraced the better I took the focus of the now ex A I stopped reacting to him as best as I could When he didn t pay bills I didn't jump in and pay.them. The now ex A came up with more and more ways to go down hill. One was to go and live by his Uncle some 200 miles from where we were. He put most of his stuff in storage there He got worse and worse I stopped trying to intervene. I stopped believing I knew what was right for him.
Am anon certainly helped me with lifting me out of deppression. Eventually I took all of our pets which was hard but so so necessary
All I can tell you is I leaned hard inti the program I immersed myself into it. Eventually I got other jobs none of them particularly great they got better. left the now ex A or rather I should say he left me because he just stopped taking care of anything at all. He is still there not taking care of anything.
I think that was a real hard time because I didn't know how I would manage I did manage. My life eventually got better. Work is no longer such a huge issue for me I certainly have issues i certainly have had people around with alcohol issues I m able to detach s lot better now Detchment takes practice.
I am not as dependent anymore I don't ache with loneliness anymore .
People think that I am lonely because I live on my own in fact I was most likely inn a relationship. I felt completely. Abandoned
. I also felt dumped on at everynntirn The no w ex A was always making me the #bad# one. He was very very skilled at that. I took it all personally
My life got infinitely better with al anon particularly with this group. I did some other things too there is a long long list. . My life is far from a picnic today I certainly have issues but I am not stuck with someone who.is sabataging me at every turn. I have hope I have plans and I have some measure of serenity.
-- Edited by Maresie on Saturday 10th of March 2018 09:01:57 PM
((Groo)) I am pleased that you have a supportive alanon group . Using the tools, such as the 4th through 11 th Step will help to lift the negative self defeating voices that are hindering your success. You will then be able to apply for jobs that are within your skill range and achieve success.
Please do keep coming back-- there is hope.
I don't have much to add to what was already shared. I, too, figured out that I would have to be the breadwinner and bill payer if our lights were stay on and a roof was to remain over our heads. (I did learn this the hard way, more than once.)
I have often thought that my skills weren't good enough, but showing up for myself every day is a really healthy thing for me, and it turns out that I'm a lot better at a lot of things than I gave myself credit for. I think we all have skills and talents that are unique to us. Discovering what they are can really help us to identify what kind of work we will excel at.
Keep coming back - to echo Betty, there is hope.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Sending hugs of support to you - I so remember a point where I too felt that HP did not have my back. It was dark times, for sure and what Betty says reminds me of what changed. I literally dragged myself to meeting after meeting and the messages and members carried me towards the light again. In time, working recovery, I realized that HP had been there the whole time - he led me to my group and he spoke through them to me.
I found myself to be very self-defeating, negative and hopeless often with this disease. It took all that Al-Anon offers to help shift my outlook, thinking and life. My job was an escape for me from the insanity in the home for a long while and I am grateful to have had it and those 'breaks' as I look back.
Coming here is a great start. Recovery is available to everyone, and no matter how dark it seems, there truly is help and hope in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
