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Hi everyone I just need to post because the grief is really back with a bang the last few days. My ex partner died 12 weeks ago today. We had been finished 3 months, I had been no contact for the last two, I had changed my number as I had really reached the end of the line with it and felt no contact was the only way I was going to be able to stay out and get over him. The last bender was the worst ever, I think he knew he was losing me and it was a nightmare. I hadn't stopped loving him but could just no longer tolerate the way he treated me, in spite of trying to apply alanon etc. He had stopped drinking for the last 2 months of his life.
His daughter told me last week that the autopsy showed that he died from heart attacks brought on by cancer of the liver and oesophagus which he didn't know he had. She also told me the other day that at the end of his drinking, and just after I had finished with him, his neighbour caught him getting ready to attempt suicide. He told her never to tell me. She didn't tell me to make me feel bad, it just slipped out as she was explaining how she had managed to get him into a psychiatrist, where he finally began to diclose to a professional, some of the abuse he'd experienced as a child, which up to that point he had only shared in the past year with me and his daughter.
Hearing how despairing and pain filled the last few months of his life must have been has just devastated me and I have been in the horrors of guilt and darkness for the last few days thinking about it. Logically I know I did what I felt I had to do, I sought guidance from my sponsor, another healer and even a priest to try to figure out if I was doing the right thing. I had tried so hard. I had asked him to seek help, even told him I'd go with him when the abuse stuff started coming out, but he drank again instead. I just feel so bad for not being there for him.
I know that he died from cancer, not from suicide but just thinking of him alone, probably feeling abandoned again is just awful. And yet the threat of that kept me in the relationship for far longer than was good for me. Such a terrible disease. Sorry this is long, I had no place else to share it tonight where people understand the disease and what it does to all around it.
Please be very gentle with you. This is an awful disease and none of this is your fault, your defect or whatever .. you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. I don't say this to minimize your pain or sorrow that is yours to process. The bigger issue is nothing you did or didn't do would have stopped the cancer/alcoholism/suicide.
It is sad. I hope you can find peace in the coming days/weeks/months. It takes time. Grief is so difficult and personal to process, it comes and goes, rushes back when there is a moment. I'm glad you are here and able to work your way through this difficult time. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Hugs S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((Sorcha)) I am so sorry to read that you are in such terrible pain.This is a dreadful disease and although it saddens you, please remember that your partner's suffering is over and that everyone did the best they could in a painful situation.
Thanks Serenity and Betty, sometimes it helps just to say what I'm feeling and be heard, you know, there's a lot I can't say to his daughter, hero's is a different kind of grief than mine and I don't want to shatter her illusions with how things were for me.
((Sarah)) you are a thoughtful considerate mom and she is fortunate to have you in her life. Prayers continue I always try to remember the "Good times' and be grateful.
(((Sarah))) - I too am sending prayers and positive thoughts for your grief your way. You are right - this disease is awful. You did your best and it was enough even if it feels not so. I think we are hardest on ourselves and my sponsor always reminds me that we are human and HP is in charge even when we wonder if we are enough, did enough, etc.
Feel your feelings and share anytime. My hope is that by sharing you are working through your feelings and grief. I love what Betty said and it's so true - he is not suffering any more. For those who can't recovery, life here is viewed very differently. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A friend of mine committed suicide more than a year ago. He was a h8gh functioning man who had issues with depression.
He certainly knew where to find resources. I know for me it has been hard to reconcile how desperate and despairing he was.
At the same time I know I have my limits. I over extended myself to the point of paralysis helping others. I have to honor my limits.
I have known quite a few people now who neglected themselves to the point of death. What I have had to look at is.my own self care is far from optimal. I know it is better than it was but I have to put more effort to make ut better.
.I hope you can find compassion for yourself at this time. I know I am human. I cannot cure anyone. I struggle really hard to look after myself. I hope you are looking after yourself eating right getting rest being nice to yourself.
I know my friend.died.from depression. Alcohol was.certainly a big factor.in his.life. He certainly leaned on.alcohol.
The big thing for.me.is.to.forgive.myself. I know.I am no longer on the hook to take.care.of.others. That has been a reprieve for.me. I pray every day to get better at taking care of.myself.
Sarah - I do hope you can get to your meeting.....that is where I find my 'calm' when I am hurting!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just read your sharings, and I can relate so much for your feelings, and what you are going through, as I am there with you. this morning I learnt that My beloved Grand Son, and his Partner have separated again, it has been going on for so long, the pain for me watching it,waiting it to happen again, is just too hard for me to handle, today. I have been in Alanon for many, many, years, and I feel for me it just gets harder. As I simply know too much. I have a large Family, Grand children, Great GrandChildren, and the Disease both the Active phase, and the effects are all the way through them all. With this Family, Ihave tried to help them, talking about AA and Alanon, but they are not there yet, and that too is painful, knowing that it could be different, if, they were to search for help.All my Family members know that I am in Alanon, and have spoken about Alanon and AA.
Because of Children are involved, the relationship has all the ingredients of the awful side of Alcoholism, I see/hear the effects on them, as I watched my 3Children go through it as well. I hate, this Disease so very much, of how is destroys beautiful people, and everything in it's path. I fear for my Grandson, am very glad that his Partner, and the Children are out of it. Praying that she can get help for herself. I know that my Grandson has to hit his own bottom, I pray for him that he does, because he is just a wonderful person in his own right. I know what I have to do, and thankfully, have a Great Higher Power, and wonderful Programme to work, but just for now, I am struggling a lot, with the grief of it all, and seeing my loved ones in pain today.
So I am sending you a Hug, and will keep you in my Prayers Each Day.
(((Hugs))). Please try not to feel guilty over this. You did one of the hardest things a person ever has to do - let go of someone they love in order for that person to learn to love themselves. You may not have been there with him in the end, but by leaving you gave him the greatest gift heād ever gotten - the motivation to start looking toward healing for himself. I donāt know your entire story but if itās like so many others, not letting him ever reach his bottom allowed him to continue to avoid the underlying cause of his drinking. By putting yourself first, he was then able to face his own issues. By deciding to stop drinking and seek out professional help, it showed he had some hope for the future and WANTED something new. What a gift! He had something he was working toward and he wanted it so much that the fear couldnāt hold him back anymore. If you had stayed, he still would have passed, only he likely would have passed still working against his own best interest and never knowing hope.
Thank you for this ESH. I left my ABF recently who I deeply cared about but I could no longer live with the chaos this disease had brought into my life. I have felt so horribly guilty and sad as I knew he had probably hit rock bottom as had no money, and lost his ability to get a job which left him with all day to drink. I have been so worried that he won't make it -drink himself to death and how will I cope with this grief? Your share and the responses especially Twinkles has so helped me today ((((Hugs))) to you and thank you Twinkles for your compassion and wisdom.
