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Post Info TOPIC: Brand newand scared


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:
Brand newand scared


Hello everyone, im brand new to alanon and i am finally reaching out out of desperation. My husband is an active alcoholic, after 9 yrs being sober he started again at a party and never stopped, that was a little over 2 yrs ago now....2 agonizing years. i feel like im living in groundhog day where each day is the same thing, he is a functioning alcoholic, works all week, but after work he has at least 4 pints of beer every single day- sometimes more and when friday comes..forget about it, minimun 8 pints but usually over a 12 pk. He has no desire to quit, despite my growing depression from this lifestyle, he feels since he is not violent and irate as in the past that there is No problem, but of course with drinking the violent behavior comes out when ever it feels, and then of course there is never any personal responsibility taken the next day.I no longer want to live this. We do not have kids but we do have pets that are my kids,   we have been together since we were kids, ive been very co dependant  to him my whole life. about 25 yrs together , i am a stay at home housewife which has put me in a position where i depend on him to live, i cannot leave, i have no where to go and no money to do so. We live across the country from all of our family and friends. I too am prone to alcholism but dont find it difficult to just stay away from it, but i find myself drinking 1-2 times a week sometimes just so i dont have to deal with his drinking.I dont want to leave him or end our marraige, but i am not going to continue to live like this. Thats why i am turning to alanon, its my first step in the process i guess. I love the idea of focusing on ourselves and bettering ourselves (since we cant change the drinker)....but i cant help but think that this might be just a step to get further away from him in the long run, and that makes me sad, almost to a point where it may prevent my progress. And im also having a hrad time with alot of the Dos and Donts, not because of a lack of self control, but because i find it hard to stand by and literally let my husband kill himself. How can i not interfere when he is in a dangerous situation? This is a problem im having in my mindset of how things work, with alanon. I want it to be for me, i want it to work, and i have faith that it will- it does for so many others for many years now, but i cant get past just 'leaving them be and letting them make there own poor choices. With the exception of letting a drunk get behind a wheel right in front of you...how can i sit by and let him tell me he is going to newly start going to the bar after work( 12am) to have a few beers and play some darts? he was NEVER one to drive after drinking. thank you for listening.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2773
Date:

Hugs Tats,

I really hope you will break your isolation and go to a face to face meeting. I am sorry you are dealing with this at the moment, it is overwhelming and you are not alone in this struggle.

Truly the only way is to find out how to let go and live your life regardless of what he is or isn't doing. You have taken a big step by reaching out here and I hope you will keep coming back.

Big hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 15511
Date:

Welcome Tats you are not alone.   Please follow Serenity's suggestion and search out alanon face to face meetings and attend.   The tools offered,  as well as the support helped to save my sanity and life
Please do keep coming back here as well



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

thank you serenity, i do have intentions of going to face to face meetings in the very near future, i was going to go to one tonight but it is rather far away from me and bad weather.I am going to go to as many as i can and have faith that it will improve me <3



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Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

thank you hotrod :) iwill be taking all your advice! i hope to someday say that alanon has saved my sanity and hapiness <3



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 15511
Date:

awwKeep coming back  It works when we work it 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 72
Date:

(((tats))) Nice to meet you. This program can and will save your life if you work it. There is sanity and peace of mind in the midst of it all that does return.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7839
Date:

Welcome to MIP tats - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. This disease is progressive and much more powerful than us humans...you are not alone. We all arrive at Al-Anon and usually have 'hit the wall' or in program speak, hit our bottom. You can attend Al-Anon and learn tools to help heal/deal from/with the disease no matter what he is or is not doing.

Many of us find that much of what we were doing that we considered 'helpful' or 'caring' was actually distorted reactions to the disease. As far as learning to detach and allow natural circumstances to happen, it is hard to consider and hard to do yet becomes a bit more logical and easier with support from program friends and tools.

Sorry that the weather kept you from attending.....hope it breaks and you can go to some meetings soon! It is in those Face-to-Face meetings that I found support, like-minded others who never judged and really helped me with recovery.

Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13438
Date:

 

 

Aloha Tats and welcome to the MIP family.  You are surrounded by so many of us who have been where you are at now in one way or another.  We all have been affected by someone elses drinking and/or using some more than others at the moment and have received experiences, strengths and hopes from each other and many others in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups that insure us that we will recover from the debilitating affects of this mind and mood altering sometimes fatal disease.  There are meetings on this board twice daily check the face page to get the directions and times to the room.

You don't have some freedoms that others have and that isn't anything to worry about as you see how many here have approached you coming in.  We stand by and support each other and my sanity and live have found recovery thru the efforts of hundreds of other Al-Anons over the 39 years of my membership.  I have been blessed by the fellowship and the rooms and the literature and sponsorship and so much more.  Truly I am on borrowed time allowed me by my Higher Power as I understand that Higher Power.   

I also use to drink alcoholically and lost the compulsion to do so as I struggled with the disease and my alcoholic/addict wife.  We live in the moment letting go of the past and not worrying for the future.  Now is all I have and I am grateful to be sharing it with the MIP family and now you.   Keep coming back.   In support.   ((((hugs)))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 12th of January 2018 09:10:01 PM

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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:

Welcome! Iām a newbie myself and still struggling with letting go. This community so far has been a sanity saver for me and Iām sure if you hang around youāll find it does the same for you. As for what youāre specifically struggling with right now, I can say that after āunofficiallyā kinda-sorta trying to live by the philosophies set forth by AlAnon for a while now and finally jumping in here, I am finally gaining some clarity in this area. Iāve discovered that the best laid plans, the most rigid set of controls, and the most determined mindset STILL canāt help predict the future. So Iāve begun to learn to not let the unknown control me and Iām learning to stop trying to control it. Iāve got my head and heart to the grindstone and Iāve got my focus on the steps. Iām not concerned about what the future may hold so long as it promises eventual peace. And learning to let go has already brought me a taste of that. Many ((((hugs)))) to you and prayers that as you find your footing in AlAnon, youāll begin to find some peace too.

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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 7
Date:

Hi I'm new and scared too. I love my AH. He's supposed to be cutting down 10 per cent a day. Hes just out of hospital having pseudo fits as he doesnt want to drink he cant cope with the diease anymore any is getting mentally ill and wont speak to anyone. He needs the mental health people but just got an alcohlic nurse who told him to cut down (she was lovely though) . I ACCESS support rang my mobile when he was completely out of it (having been told to drink) (he wont have mobile or computer) but wouldnt say who they were -i just knew - patient confidentiality! Last time they wouldn't deal with him because of postcode... The drink has 3 times the effect as he's nearing on 60 and broke 12 ribs etc in summer so body has had a knock so he gets completely out of it on a small bottle of vodka unless it's his Meds and he's not cutting down. His family business will go down the pan. His dad doesn't want to do it and I don't want to have to support him. Neither of us have anywhere to go like you. We have animals no kids (he does but they are not that involved). Family no where near. I'm going to have to get my own bank acount I think just in case because he's terrible with money but generous and he needs to pay towards some bills (he pays some) Hope ur OK it's good to talk

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 384
Date:

Hi, Tats, I'm glad you are reaching out. I'm very sorry for what you are going through... Its so tough living with an alcoholic, it affects those around the A in so many ways. I too came to Alanon when I felt I couldn't live like I have been anymore, and although things are not always great now, I'm really better now. There really is help and hope available, and I'm happy to hear you are giving Alanon face to face meetings a try!! Keep coming back here as well... You are not alone. (((((Hugs)))))

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 584
Date:

Welcome tats, glad you found AlAnon, glad you're here...

AlAnon helped me see that my anxiety and fear often comes from trying to control future outcomes involving people and things I can not, nor should not try to control.

I have a choice: focus on more healthy processes (perceptions, actions, interactions) One Day at a Time and see to what destination "healthy" leads me, or, continue flailing, unsuccessfully, toward the distination I believe will bring me contentment, fulfillment or happiness without regard to the impact that my process have on my serenity.

I am so grateful for the guidance and wisdom I found in the meetings and pages of AlAnon, they never fail to show me the way to serenity...hang in there, keep coming back

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

thank you for being so supportive



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