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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Change 1-12-18


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7839
Date:
Courage to Change 1-12-18


Today's reading is about detachment.  The writer discusses watching a colony of bees and feeling a bit intimidated by the buzzing and frenzied motion around the hive.  She's reminded that if she didn't poke her nose into their hive, she would not get stung.  If we choose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, we will be fine.

We learn in recovery that the choice is ours.  When we sense that a situation is dangerous in any way, we can put extra distance between self and the situation.  We can limit our emotional involvement in a problem or we can leave a room or end a conversation.  We can even put spiritual space between self and another person's alcoholism or behavior.  We don't stop loving another; we just acknowledge the risks to our own well-being and make choices to take care of self.

Today's reminder ---  Now I know how to end an argument b simply refusing to participate, to turn to my Higher Power for help with whatever I'm powerless to change, to say, "No", when I mean no, and to step back from insanity rather than diving into it.  Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself and to others.

Today's quote ---  "If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness."  Hasidic saying

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My denial and insanity were such that a huge part of me really thought all would fall apart if I detached.  In my mind, I was the cog that held the wheel in place and kept things rolling along.  The concept of detaching was difficult for me to understand as I had spent my life in one unhealthy role after another - only daughter, youngest child, little sister, employee, wife, mother, etc.  I truly had no idea who I was as just me.

I began small by just biting my tongue when I felt uncertain/uncomfortable.  With all my energy and effort tied up practicing not engaging, it took a bit to see that much of the craziness fizzled out much sooner when I oped out.  When I felt good about this, I then began to physically detach - leaving a room, or simple Yes/No responses.  JADE came into play and I again spent my energy practicing my tools.

By now, I did believe in the disease concept and felt more ready to rely on a power greater than me.  I began to pray for those I was detaching from and that brought about grace and empathy.  With these gifts from my HP, I then practiced responding with kindness instead of silence, departing and/or reacting.  Baby steps of self-protection taught me how to love from across the room, street, city or country.

Practicing detachment and allowing others to live as they chose gave me the gift of unconditional love.  It took away my former obsession to what to fix, change, control and/or contort other people, places and things into what I thought they should be.  Celebrating each other no matter the situation became my go-to choice, which is a result of a growing faith in a power greater than me.

Small steps of change have given way to desire and hope for continued growth and change.  I am grateful today to be in recovery and to be working on a spiritual life.  Happy Friday to one and all - it's sub-zero today with wind chill in my neck of the woods!  Everyone stay warm and safe.  



__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 587
Date:

Good morning, MIP! IAH, thanks for the daily!

Detachment was a really hard concept for me, but like you, I started by biting my tongue and not engaging in the craziness. Small steps of change helped me to get to a much healthier place. I need to be vigilant, because slipping back into fixing and doing for is easy for me. I've noticed that since my wife moved back in, she's working hard to re-establish the codependent relationship we had before. I don't think she even notices. I didn't notice or mind the small requests for assistance here and there, but this fall, I became more and more uncomfortable with the expectations and am working on little steps to detach again.

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 15511
Date:

Good Morning IAH and Skorpi Detachment is a very powerful tool within my alanon arsenal. and although it was not an easy one to develop, I find it has saved my sanity and life on numerous occasions
I discovered that small steps were the key - I needed to accept the fact that "REACTING" was a negative tool and that taking time to listen with an open mind, process and then speak served me well.

Pausing and reciting the serenity prayer when I wanted to scream or control was my first experience with detachment I was so pleased by the results, that I then choose to use the slogans as well as the serenity prayer in order to pause, detach and respond.
Thanks for you service

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Veteran Member

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Posts: 72
Date:

Good morning everyone. Detachment is a new challenge I am learning. Again. It is uncomfortable and maybe I don't have it in the proper terminology......? It seems to also tie in with boundaries.....Regardless, it is one of those days of having to practice both. It is not a comfortable feeling at times.....I am finding I have to detach from my own feelings of feeling mean during those periods I have to set boundarys. So silly, even when they don't know I am setting them I feel mean! *sigh*. This is where I need to practice detachment and know that I do not need to fix, help or whatever an area they need to do for themselves

I have too much compassion for others and have never, ever had compassion for myself. That appears to be changing slowly with the help of God, this program and all who are here!

Have a great day!

__________________


Senior Member

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Posts: 447
Date:

Good Friday morning all! Thank you IAH for the C2C and your ESH about it.

Detachment was my savior when I finally admitted that addiction had AGAIN entered my married life and was out of control. It did a good job of stopping the constant, stupid little arguments that would occur between my AH and myself. I am sure it made the home much more peaceful for my teenager! However, at some point, detachment just wasn't good enough for me... I could not tolerate living with addiction and all the chaos it brings. I also felt that as a married couple, we weren't modeling good behavior for our almost adult child. Detachment then was a temporary tool.

Now I use it often... at work, with my teenager, with my parents. I have learned not to REACT, but to back off from the situation, think on it, and then give a response. Usually, a more appropriate response. Helps me feel more at peace.

__________________
Music makes my soul soar!


Senior Member

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Posts: 384
Date:

Thanks for your service, IAH, and all ESH shared above. Yesterday I blocked my ex-abf from my phone in order to protect myself from incessant calls and messages. Nothing I said ever changed him, and I've been asking for more consideration for years. Because of a very strong emotional response yesterday I finally understood I could not go on like this, so it was me who had to change, to detach in this manner. This is not what I wanted, the opposite actually, but this is the right thing for me to protect myself from his insanity. I wrote an e-letter explaining what I'm doing and was direct for once, no cutting corners, softening what i mean or diminishing my feelings or the like and I also worked not to be mean.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 447
Date:

Way to take care of yourself, Aline! Hugs!

__________________
Music makes my soul soar!
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