The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just have something I really want to share and I hope that by letting it go here, I can start to move on.
I am flooded with self-doubt and self hate at the moment.
I posted in an earlier post about deciding to go to my home country to be with my family during the time when my husband is in his 8 month rehab/sober living program and that I plan on coming back to this country in September, setting myself up independently and then beginning to consider if his recovery is in a place where we can SLOWLY and with boundaries start easing into a relationship again.
In order to make this decision I read, prayed, wrote, posted here, journalled, and went through pro and con lists with a mentor. I tried to make as clear a decision as I could despite the emotional factors in play.
I went to my therapy session yesterday and I told her that I see the decision as "self care." She said: "I wish I believed you but I don't" then she went on to explain how she thinks that I am afraid of being alone and that I am willing to go back into close proximity to my unhealthy parents because I am afraid of being alone and that it would be better for me to set myself up independent of everyone.
I was so angry at her for saying this and I keep having the experience of thinking over and over what I would like to say to her. I feel disrespected, like she is offering me her intepretation of it, without acknowledging what led me to make the decision. Even if she did want to suggest what she suggested I feel like she didn't credit what I was saying at all, she just said I don't believe you. Those were her actual words.
I feel like no decision I make pleases everyone - which of course shows the futility of trying to please other people - but I want some encouragement from somewhere. I feel very alone in this situation and I know meetings and real sponsorship would help and one of the reasons I want to go back to my home country is precisely because I can access a lot more english speaking meetings each week. Where I am there is only very limited access to meetings.
I feel like I have been through so much, my husband left for rehab just two weeks ago, only two months ago I found out about his addiction and I feel so overwhelmed a lot of the time and just trying to keep going and I am keeping on going. I have had to face a lot of fears, like calling the landlord to tell him about the situation and to ask if we can find new renters. I am doing my best to let go and let Gd which is very hard for me.
I continually feel like no one understands me and that no one is kind or encouraging to me. Some people are, but for some reason most people seem to respond harshly. I don't feel liked by the people in my life most of the time. The therapist is just one of them.
Something that I struggle with is that I feel like I know that I need to apply step one here - but I am not sure exactly what I am powerless over? My husband's addictions? My parents alcoholism and how it left me with all of these .... not sure how to describe it... whatever this kind of self doubt and self hate thinking is.
This is so hard and I feel like everyone around me is just making it harder for me. I can't trust my decision making and I just wish people would shut up and leave me be, I have enough on my plate without thinking about them too.
I think this might be self pity. Sigh - my kid just woke up!
I am really sorry you aren't feeling supported .. I really want to encourage you to listen to what your therapist has shared with you .. maybe right now you are not in the right place.
When I first came into alanon the whole reason I went to prove the bitch of a therapist I had .. that she was wrong .. I remember finding out for sure that my X was cheating and my therapist got upset with me for crying .. LOL .. umm .. she started to criticize me for crying and I stopped her and let her know I didn't appreciate it. I am processing and I have a right to process and if she's feeling uncomfortable that was not my issue. I needed to get this out I am in a therapist office that's where you process. LOL. BTW .. while I still think she was wrong for that thought .. the alanon she was right about. So maybe there is something to be said when you are in a better place as to what is it that triggered you with that statement.
I was terrified of being alone before alanon .. now I go the other way and think dang .. maybe I should be .. I'm a little rough around the edges at times.
If you truly feel good about your choices, if you truly have a solid plan (which everyone has days and there are always hiccups .. LOL .. that's just life) .. it is all about what you want to accomplish .. I do agree knowing your motives, talking it out, and listening to others for feed back is a good thing .. ultimately no one else has to live your life or with your consequences .. that's between you and your higher power. I do encourage you to find a support group when you get to your destination.
I knew at some point I was leaving the state .. I was not staying in Illinois. I couldn't have done that 7 years ago and been ok .. I wasn't ready. Even now I question my sanity .. lol .. however I love it here and I have more good days than bad.
Other than that, you are going to be ok and things will workout the way they are suppose to ... no one else could fill that need I needed to hear I was right .. that had to come from within me.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((Annie)) you are not alone and i too am sorry that you do not feel supported in your choices Do you think that the therapist's attitude may simply represent her concerns of your returning to your parent's home where there is active alcoholism even though there are more meetings for you to attend.
You indicate that you have meditated and prayed on this decision, made a pro and con list and believe this is your right choice . I would trust my inner voice and proceed. Remember nothing is written in stone and you can always change your mind.
Positive thoughts on thew way
All I can share is where I am now. I have times I go through the roof in anxiety.....but just in the past couple of weeks being back here in Alanon...has lessened it so much! I read as much Alanon material as I can and read others ESH. I also go to the online meetings in the mornings...
One of the biggest things I saw in myself when I battled letting go and giving it to God.......I only "thought" I trusted God in certain areas.....but I learned I did not. This was really stealing my peace of mind.....I'm doing the steps online on the forum board. I can't make f2f meetings yet. Not for another week.
It is in working the steps I saw those areas and was able to give the ones I became aware of to God after I saw them. I'm still seeing areas I need to give to God daily, sometimes hourly but many that were causing intense fears are really gone. It is such a process and a good one. I think if I saw all at once, oh boy.......... As the areas unfold......my sponsor had told me something about looking at the 7th step. I looked back over my steps and saw I had not given them up yet. It was in seeing the areas of character defects written in the steps of the program that I started feeling more freedom and hope!
There are some situations in my personal life I cannot change yet. There is a major decision involved in it and it will greatly effect someones life. Until I can feel peace, serenity and have it last for a few days or longer in this program......I am not making any decisions. This is just me though. Only we know how we feel and our own situations. The only thing I have control over is myself and how much time I put into this program. Another individual decision. I just couldn't bear living with the way my life was before I got back in here.
(I hope this isn't all fragmented...a good nights sleep is in order....dental issues)
Thanks for writing back to me. I really appreciate and am grateful to hear from someone.
I totally agree that there is something to what she is saying - at least to think about.
I am reminding myself that I don't need to do JADE (justify argue defend explain).
I have another session with her tomorrow - I am going to do what was suggested to me in another post and just give myself permission to express my reality back to her.
I can say something about how I do not believe that she understands where I am coming from in this instance, that I think cultural and language barriers have prevented understanding and that don't feel supported by her. I might also say that her comment about not believing me hurt me. I might even request that she offer more encouraging support WITH her comments and interpretations next time so that I can hear it better.
I think what is hard for me about this situation is that I am realising how I can come to a decision using my new tools and with the advice and support of good people, but the second someone criticises it, even someone who seems to be out of their depth and not to have understood the situation, I fall apart and start catastrophizing like a crazy woman and doubting myself.
Why can't I just say, "she doesn't like this plan, she raised some things to think about, I believe I am making the right decision" and not have a day long thinking-fest where I do mental movies about what I'd like to say to her, etc. I don't need to JADE. I made this decision with the best tools I have now. This is the best I can do for today.
Hotrod I just saw your response now. Thank you ((((HUG)))) That really helped me.
And yes, nothing is written in stone and if I need to I can change my mind.
Tude - ((HUG)) thank you for sharing that you have and are experiencing similar things.
(((Annie))) - so very sorry that you felt unsupported and even disrespected. I do believe you have every right to express yourself back to this counselor. Her intent may be important, her delivery ... not very kind. Self-doubt is not uncommon when we are facing change as well as when we are affected my this disease. None of us have a crystal ball - we are making decisions that seem the best based on the facts we have/know.
Take good care of you and live your life as best as possible. The good news - if things are not working after your move with your parents, you can make another/different choice. When we trust this program and our HP, things have a way of working out...
You're not alone - we're all here as best we can be!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
