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Post Info TOPIC: Insight on leaving my spouse


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 559
Date:
Insight on leaving my spouse


I have been working through the "Blueprint for Progress" booklet and I am not sure if it's because of that or what, but I woke up this morning with this thought...

I have been having a hard time with blaming my spouse for the end of our 29 year marriage. While it is true that the alcoholism and addictive behaviors are all HIS to own, I am the one who CHOSE TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE! Why is this important? Because in moving forward, I am choosing something that will empower ME. Yes, I can feel sadness regarding what "once was" with our marriage. I can even choose to feel sadness for all the broken dreams... but I should not feel sadness, guilt, or blame my RAH for what's going to go on in the future... I CHOSE to be single b/c I looked into my heart and knew I can't live with the possibility of relapse. I have been there, done that, and look where I am again! From everything I have researched, relapse is just a function of this disease...rehab facilities teach the alcoholic and their families how to deal with it. However, it's a part I want no part of! LOL!

This has made a huge difference in my serenity regarding this subject... I have been feeling like I am not emotionally strong enough to talk with my STBXH, and I guess if I stay in the "victim" mindset, I'm right, I'm not. But in realizing that I am TAKING BACK MY POWER, I don't have to feel like a victim!

I believe that each time my "stinkin thinkin" occurs with the "failed marriage" stuff, I vow to repeat, "I am taking back MY life!" Woot!

Raining today... finally! Make it a great Monday everyone!



__________________
Music makes my soul soar!


Senior Member

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Posts: 216
Date:

Nice to meet you Posiesandpuppies. Love the name.

What a great share! I'm glad to meet you here in the sense of I was not in Alanon when I left my 23 yo marriage. Big mistake. It was a good choice to leave, it's been almost 10 years ago. I would have had much less difficulty had I been in these rooms. He was A and gambler. I just couldn't do it anymore.

((((((hugs))))))

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 539
Date:

Great share, PnP -- I admire how you are changing your thinking. It's so true that how we frame things makes a difference.

I have been through some bad stuff, but I recently came across the word "survivor" -- and that resonated with me. I am a survivor. That is a positive thing. To me it is an empowering word, so the past does not have power over me.

I'm having a great Monday so far ... It's raining where I am, and I love it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 8337
Date:

Love the share, honesty, awareness and growth. There is so much freedom when we realize we don't have to be a victim or stuck in that mentality. No matter what steps one takes today, tomorrow or the next, there is a bunch of joy that comes when we are taking them for self/future vs. another.

Keep working it PnP - looks awesome on ya!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 829
Date:

Thank you for sharing PP,
I've had a few failed marriages,decided to live single after my 2nd divorce,
After working a good 12 step in alanine,
Today I can and do make better choices for myself in relationships,

I still slip n slide at times but can get back centered more quickly today.



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



Senior Member

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Posts: 267
Date:

Good thoughts Posies&Puppies. I've had some similar changes in attitude. I'm sometimes struggling with feeling like a failure for my marriage ending. I sometimes have doubts as to whether I did the right thing. Question whether I cut loose without giving it another chance. But, then I think of how much better I'm feeling every day. I have no partner and yet I'm far less lonely than I was a few months ago. My workload has doubled or tripled and I feel less worked than before. I can move through my day and my house without being on edge for what I'm going to get attacked for next. I still find I have my guard up much of the time but as I let it down the world is reacting more positively to me than it had before. Glad you've been able to figure out how to better look at your situation.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 559
Date:

Westman, I DID choose to give him another chance the last time he was in rehab... let's just say that the next seven years were the biggest waste of my time, love, and energy! And I never did attain my "dream-life/marriage" no matter how hard I tried. I am beginning to understand that growing up with that dream was probably not healthy. It certainly has not helped me throughout my married life.
Peace to you... I read your post and kept saying, "yes, me too!" So we are walking parallel paths and I am hoping your's stay smooth!

__________________
Music makes my soul soar!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 658
Date:

Hey. PnP. Such an honest and open and brave share you give here. My you have grown so much Since I first began reading you If you donât feel up to talking with him, donât. It is that simple. Simple but sometimes difficult because we let our emotions and our guilt in our stuff that is not really ours into the picture It is OK to not want to or not be able to have a face-to-face with him until things settle inside of you. You took a gigantic step in taking care of you. There will be feelings involved: grief over an ideal and dreams gone, anger, sadness, etc. When I first split with my ex, I couldnât speak to him right away either. I had to be with myself and my feelings first before I could have a conversation with him. Hugs of support, hang in there my friend

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 559
Date:

Thank you so much, Mamalioness! Your support and wise words mean so much to me!

__________________
Music makes my soul soar!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 590
Date:

The paths travelled and lessons learned are many in recovery. Regardless, however, when we stick with it AlAnon seems to guide us to where we need to be...

When I found AlAnon I had only two strategies for calming my mind when I was experiencing discomfort in a relationship: 1) Exert control to change it/them, or 2) walk away.

In the suggested AlAnon meeting opening I heard this powerful claim at my first meeting:

"...in AlAnon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

For me, the true power of the Program comes from the realization that my own unhappiness and finally, insanity, was not caused by the actions or proximity of others, including my qualifier. Instead, my serenity is dependent upon true acceptance of my own powerlessness and a commitment to keep the focus on addressing my own character defects.

In AlAnon, I saw that my own actions and attitudes were just as toxic as what I thought were found only in my "sick" qualifier, that I in fact was just as sick and in need of recovery. Readings like p. 214, 244 in C2C are needed reminders that help guide me back on track.

Difficult choices did have to be made, but AlAnon helped me see that walking away would bring only temporary relief. There will always be people and things outside of my control, and I can't walk away from them all.

By learning how to find serenity despite my surroundings, I was able to make much healthier decisions in all aspects of my life.

I am so very grateful for the wisdom of AlAnon

__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 

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