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Post Info TOPIC: Drinking at a visit


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 60
Date:
Drinking at a visit


Hi everyone, I havent posted in so long. Overall life since splitting with AH has been such a blessing. I feel joy and lightness where I hadnt in so long. My struggles with AH are in his manipulation- he does not want this marriage to end and he is throwing everything at me, trying to shame me into trying again, pretending to be so nice, but basically deep denial that this is moving ahead (wont discuss selling the house, etc) - he basically forgets that our marriage will not reconcile and comes up with new plans to move back in and I honestly feel like I have ended our marriage 5 times. It has been so stressful and sad.

 

He was removed from our home and he has a lot of resentment about the loss of power. It makes me feel ill when I think about the struggles I would have gone through to split had he not crossed a line with domestic violence. 

 

His life is spiralling and he is claiming to be on a path of rehabilitation. He admits now to having a drink once in a while - and his mounting debt and physical appearance make it clear thats not true.  my plan is to tell him after Christmas in a letter that in no uncertain terms I want a divorce and not just a separation - the separation thing is leaving me open to these schemes and ideas. I am finally feeling strong enough to move on. I have mild fears for my safety which is why I am doing it by letter. This week he came to visit our 3 year old daughter twice after obviously stopping for drinks on the way home from work. I havent been calling him out in anything the last few months so I think he is feeling like the James Bond of secret drinking and feeling like I cant tell. 

 

Christmas has been beyond tough because I want to tell him right now that we will never be together again, but instead I am stuck waiting a bit longer while he breathes down my neck with his latest ideas and crushing expectations.

 

I should bite my tongue about him drinking before the visit until I file the separation agreement terms right? I can stipulate his sobriety in the terms? Those of you in this situation- how do you deal with a partner having drinks and lying and saying they didnt?! (This hasnt happened but I foresee it happening if history is my guide) I am scared of being pulled back into the crazy land of lies. I am feeling very stressed. Being around him drunk, especially the lying, arriving here at 7:30 when he apparently left the office at 6, blaming transit and complaining he never sees his daughter. Its enough to make me scream - if you didnt have the drinks you would have seen her! 

 

Tonight he was playing with her, being a bit more silly and it just made me feel sick, my mum used to get fun after some drinks when I was a kid, it wasnt until I got older it started to make me uncomfortable - I dont want her to have these experiences where her dad stinks like stale beer and acts a bit off. 

 

I just want to get away from him for good, (not deny him his daughter, just have him let me go) and he is not healthy, I am in therapy and really working on myself to be better for myself and my daughter. 

 

Thanks for any ESH - sorry this is so long. 



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3560
Date:

I'm sorry all this is happening.  I think the best bet in these situations is to get a good lawyer who has a lot of experience with divorces where one party is an alcoholic.  My lawyer asked me to keep a record of everything - even if it isn't 'provable' - but like 'He arrived an hour late and was slurring his words' and so on.  The arrangement I got was that I could forbid him from driving our child anywhere (which I did forbid) and no overnight visits.  In our case he moved one block away (this was fine as he did not oppose the divorce and had no history of physical threat), and he would come over and get our child for short visits once a week.  Eventually they got to a routine where they'd go have lunch at a pizza place together.  This routine sounds as if it wouldn't work for you, but what I mean is that if you establish a reasonable routine that keeps your child safe, the law may support it.

It sounds to me like it might be wise to get some advice and make a plan for what to do if she shows up your house drunk and angry after he gets the letter about the divorce.  That is the time of highest danger for people with violent spouses.  Even if he shows up and doesn't seem drunk or angry, it can be a dangerous time.  Don't agree to meet him anywhere, either your house or anywhere else, don't agree to 'talk things over one last time' or explain to him what went wrong, etc.  I know Al-Anon tells us not to give advice except in cases of physical danger, and I just want to make sure this isn't one of those cases, which is why I'm giving this advice.  It sounds as if your A doesn't want to take No for an answer, and if he's been aggressive before, this is a big risk.  You may wish to talk to your local domestic violence shelter, or the National Domestic Violence hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/), for suggestions.  I hope a good lawyer will know the ropes of all this as well.

Please take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3108
Date:

I agree with Mattie about getting some legal advice and documentation. It is always good to be informed and I believe knowledge is power. My instincts are children have no voice.. no choice. I went through a very tedious divorce. Looking back now I believe I would have handled some aspects differently the core of my parenting agreement .. no. The one thing i would advice you on is make sure if you have sole custody you get the child tax credit for your taxes. Sounds silly until you are single no deductions and so on. That's one part my attorney (one attorney) gave bad advice on as I have the kids 100% of the time and jack ass doesn't pay more than 50% on. My other financial advice try not to count on child support. I do at the moment and it's created hardship for me because it gave my ex power where it didn't need to. That's my part as low income and no education. As far as the parenting agreement .. My kids had the right to end visitation if they didn't feel safe or didn't want to go. I'm so glad it was worded like that .. My oldest was 12 and youngest was 7 at the time of separation. However I found out that had I not had the stipulation for both kids my youngest could have been forced to go. Pretty much I was able to take my exes parenting rights without terminating them. The agreement was every other weekend .. 2 weeks during the summer .. alternating holidays .. the norm except I took out the one day out of the week due to consistency issues. The kids and my ex were miserable with that random day. Build a village of support around yourself .. you are going to need it. Find ways of self care .. i have decided parenting on a great day .. no one knows what they are doing .. no one gets out alive at The end of life and The best i have got is creating good memories to remind my kids i loved them The best i could 100% of the time. They were always enough. The kids dad checked out and we lived 3 miles from him. Visitations were hit and miss weeks sometimes months between .. he wanted his time to do what he wanted to do and didn't want me to be able to move on in any direction. I do not talk to my ex directly I email or text regarding kids however communication is minimal. Usually it's about financial issues and it ends badly lol. I'm still a work in progress. We have a don't ask don't tell policy lol. He doesn't want to know and it's not my job to be the emotions connection. We are in a different state and that's a huge relief. Our rule was the kids could end visitation when they wanted .. so they go to dad's he's been drinking or in an altered state of mind visitation over. My saving grace was his attorney .. that's why I have the parenting agreement I do .. that's why I was able to leave the state .. and that's why I'm divorced .. his attorney told my ex he had more access to the kids than I needed to allow. Sit down shut up and sign. My kids knew if their dad was not "right" they could spot it faster than I could at times. We had one really bad visitation that ended overnights. So if I was starting over my suggestion would be assume you will be a single parent in its truest form. If your stbax suits up and shows up that's amazing and it's a gift on the days he can. Unfortunately addictive thinking allows for glimmers not consistency and even with recovery it could be years before they consistently show up. 1000 things I worried about never happened the one thing that did I already had a plan on place. Big hugs it's not easy it will be ok. A lot of anxiety was my childhood stuff that I projected on the kids and my ex although I have multiple stories that I wad honestly right. Trust your gut .. you will know. I know more than once I just had that feeling and I'm so glad I listened .. :)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8698
Date:

Hey Vicki - I have no experience directly with this but did want to send you some positive thoughts and prayers. I 100% agree with what's above - lean into the support/advice of experts so you can have the process flow as smoothly as possible. (((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 60
Date:

Thanks for the advice everyone - I do have a lawyer - but he now refuses to deal with that lawyer, another demand. I have full custody at the moment, and he hasnt made an effort to have her more often for the last 6 months. I am fortunately totally self sufficient financially and so far he hasnt paid for anything because I crippled him with legal bills - for assaulting me and of course the real place his money is going is drugs and alcohol. I will keep a record of everything - not sure he is going to push for more custody but I am feeling nervous about his reaction after the letter.

Being apart from him has made me realize how much I stuffed down in order to avoid his moods and backlash. We are civil at the moment but it is under the oppressive pressure of denial and belief we reconcile.

I am going away for NYE - I feel like I might get a deadbolt put on my doors for extra peace of mind when I am home. I changed the locks but he has been very weird about my getting a spare key. I havent but he will be around here over Christmas and it has me worrying about what might happen. I am stuck with him because he is forced to live with a friend bcs of the legal problems, and they would like some time as a family over Christmas without him - he has no family and I am also keeping the peace until my letter. I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the next week. I really appreciate the responses.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3108
Date:

Hugs Vickie .. I'm always shocked by my responses regarding my ex not having anywhere to go .. this was in the throws of our divorce .. oh what a dork I was or maybe naive is the better word. . Trust me .. if he's out on the streets that's not your fault .. if he needs a place to go it doesn't have to be yours. As far as the attorney .. not your problem. Seriously. My suggestion is keep the focus on you and your child because right this second it doesn't sound like he's of sound mind. Let's just call what I felt what it was .. guilt. Guilt that he didn't have a place to go .. guilt that I did something that caused his legal woes. He did all that himself. Instead of worrying about the what is he going to do .. have a plan on place to keep you and your child safe. This is not the man you married .. this is an insane person who is unable to deal with reality. I prefer to see it that way so I don't become a dateline story. So not meaning to sound rough or hard .. 70% of abuse victims wind up dead when they leave the abusive spouse/ sig other.. this is not the statistics that follow a men being dead .. these are the statistics for women. Big big hugs. Be smart .. be safe and put your needs first .. bottom line. S:)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 316
Date:

You are right to be an?ious.over the.holidays. Alcohol8cs .tend.to.relapse.then. > fought a lot around.the.holidays.  I always had.a.sense of impending doom. 

 

Maresie

 

 



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Maresie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 679
Date:

After you send the letter to your soon to be ex you may want to have either family or friends come and stay with you for a few days. It may make you feel safer. Take care and lots of prayers.

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 60
Date:

Hi everyone, planning to deliver the letter to AH tomorrow. I am feeling a lot of anxiety. His finances since we split in July have been totally out of control. I learned yesterday he has almost spent 28K in debt since we split. He has very little left on his personal line of credit and is desperate for me to take him back (and sign up for his secret debt!) - his line of credit he spent over $5,000 last month, withdrawing $400 every two days and sometimes even more - he has a history of cocaine use, is there another explanation for this level of spending? He is living with a friend, so no bills and still working full time. I know all these details because we are still financially connected which is part of why I am going to push our separation agreement through ASAP. I just want this to be over and for him to let me go. I feel so devastated for him because he is clearly going to destroy whatever nest egg he gets from half the value of our marital home. Debating if I should stay somewhere else tomorrow night? Just to be extra cautious. I just wanted to vent somewhere. Trying to part with him has been unbelievably difficult in the face of his denial and extreme control issues.

Its amazing - I can see why I was so exhausted trying to hold our life together - the current I was fighting against and what he has done without any limitations has been staggering to see.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8698
Date:

VickiR - If you have any concerns for your personal safety, I would certainly suggest making sure you are in a safe place or have buffer company as suggested above. I am sending you (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3108
Date:

Totally none of my business however a divorce is the same cost as a separation. So the legal separation happens and you decide to divorce the cost is not discounted and it could be more financially costly at that point. Just putting out there what I dealt with in deciding legal separation or divorcing .. be very careful with that debt. I don't want to see you stuck with it legally you are married .. legally it's yours. I do feel you should stay somewhere else for the weekend if possible. I would also put his calls on block. I felt during my exes crazies I deserved peace. You can't fight with a fence post. My experience was my ex went AWOL mentally. My opinion .. I suggest you pause pray and proceed. I don't trust anyone in an altered state of mind. That's what my experience has taught me .. wounded cornered animals tend to bite. Hugs s :)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 36
Date:

God bless and strength to you Vicki! Everything is extra scary and complicated with little ones! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and your heart is right where it should be! I wish you the best of luck! keep coming back here - amazing people and lots of love here!

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 60
Date:

Hi everyone, I delivered the letter to AH and he took it better than I thought he would. He is still in TOTAL DISBELIEF that we can't work things out. He told me the other day that he was actually very angry we didn't do marriage counselling because I always PROMISED we would before ending our marriage, and maybe it was wrong that he thought of it as a kind of "get out of jail free card" but he always thought he could turn things around if we got to that point. Makes me so sad and angry that my life and my feelings weren't reasons for him to be a better husband, his only concern was that he could act the way he wanted to and he would make sure that he didn't end up divorced by making enough manipulative effort at the last minute to keep me tied in.

Legally he is no longer required to live with a friend by the end of Feb and they want him out ASAP (it was a court requirement due to a previous cocaine charge that was nearly resolved before the domestic violence charge) and things are getting very tense and frantic. Serenity you asked why I would file for legal separation instead of divorce, in Ontario you are supposed to wait a year after splitting to file for divorce (it's possible if I want to push the DV charge that I can do it sooner, but I'm trying to do things civilly) - in Ontario a legal separation is basically the nuts and bolts of splitting our assets and life and custody completely - settling our marital home, etc. and then the divorce is just simple paperwork later on. He is almost 30K in debt since July, blaming me for ruining his finances with criminal charges a. I know that's not my fault, but b. his debts and spending go beyond anything a legal case would cause and he is in this position by his own doing.

Anyway, now he is freaking out that he has no money to rent a place (our city is expensive and places go fast) - he still has a full time job which pays a decent wage, he hasn't had any bills or paid a dime towards our daughter in 6 months. The other day he told me that he was going to have to move in here for "just a month to get on his feet" - I was like absolutely not, that is not happening! He was like "how can you be so heartless, where is your compassion, I'm not ending up homeless when I own a house, I can't stay there because it 'makes you uncomfortable?!'" - it's killing me to listen to this. I know it's not my fault, I know he is here because of his own actions, but I can't wrap my head around the fact that the man that I married and loved so much 7 years ago, the father of my child is begging me for a place to stay and I'm telling him no. What a total nightmare, I knew that this misery was coming but it's painful now that I'm here.

I would like to buy him out of our house and I have arranged to be able to do that and divide everything between us 50/50 and that would give him enough money to restart his life, but he is refusing to settle because he can't afford legal counsel, it's this miserable locked place where I feel totally stuck. I said that I don't want to hear anything else about how he has no money and nowhere to stay when we can settle this situation fairly between us and all move on, but then "I'm pressuring him and taking advantage of him" when he has no resources. When is he going to have resources? This feels never ending.

Anyway, nice to have a place to vent, thank you for listening. This is all very stressful and incredibly painful. It hurts to have someone tell you over and over again that you don't care and you haven't tried when that's literally I have done for years and he can't see it. ASIDE from this drama I'm feeling wonderful and happier, I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm doing pretty well with enjoying life as it comes. I know that things are going to change soon and I just have to be strong and get through these desperate moments, but this whole experience has taken my breath away at times.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3108
Date:

Big hugs,

I am so sorry that you have to wait so long I understand Canada is different with divorce laws so that has to be hard. Yes .. the misplaced anger that these folks put out is just not the problem of the other person .. they truly do not understand. I empathize with your situation.

Shocking that his friend wants him out .. I am sure they are seeing the crazy behavior first hand. While this is painful and difficult having him back in the house would be harder with no treatment. He has a place to go to if he chooses not to go there that is so not on you, treatment is always an option. Again misplaced anger that is so not your responsibility. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I will be lifting you and your family up in prayers.

Big hugs,

S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8698
Date:

I too am sending big (((hugs))) your way. It is very hard - no doubt about it. I am sorry for all the pain and challenges. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way - breathe in and take good care of you. You are worth it!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 735
Date:

Sending support your way too!! Please stay strong. You are working your program really hard and it shows! You are doing what's right for your sanity and the emotional health of your child. I can empathize with how guilty the AH makes you feel. But you said it yourself... he has options... you have bent over backward to provide him with a very good one (buying out his portion of the house)! He just chooses to not accept it. THAT IS SO NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

IF he was working his program, he wouldn't be happy, but he would be telling you he understands and he will find free legal counsel to help him with the buyout.

He is a hard manipulator... but you have his number! Good for you!!!

My ESH from my own situation... I finally got to a point that I was ready to stand up for myself and say, "Yes, you are right. I am heartless to you... but I am LOVING TO ME AND MY KID! PERIOD! LOL! I must say, it's taking me 6 mos of my program, and 4 months of separation to finally realize that I am NOT a bad person for putting me and my kiddo first. That, my friend, was not an easy road for me.

Wishing you peace.

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Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 614
Date:

Big hugs, ((((Vicki)))). Its such a tough situation to be in, I'm really sorry you have to go through this emotional turmoil. Emotional blackmail, guilting and all that stuff is very familiar to me too, and it looks like you really see it for what it is, so good for you!

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