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Post Info TOPIC: The children thing


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:
The children thing


Hi everyone, I feel really sad that I have no children. I always thought that one day my partner and I would move to a bigger house and start a family. The house move hasn't happened, have tried to move a couple of times, but each time it fell through he'd spent the deposit money we were trying to save on drink. Children haven't happened for me either. He's still actively drinking, hiding booze and all the lies that go along with it. So I think it would be really stupid/unfair to bring a child into the world in my situation. But it's breaking my heart not to have kids of my own. I'm 40 now, so body clock ticking fast, it might be too late already. How can I cope feeling like this? So upset. Thanks for reading.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 7651
Date:

(((Lil))) - I don't share your experience but wanted to say that I hear you. I hope you can lean into your program, your fellowship and sponsor to help you get to the other side.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 15336
Date:

((Lin)) i so understand Please keep coming back here there is help and hope

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13378
Date:

 

 

I will pray that a more rewarding understanding reveals itself for you.  The worst I've been thru is loosing the daily relationship with my children and the court giving here custody.  I've already been to hell.   (((Hugs))) cry



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 30
Date:

Hi, firstly ((HUGS)) this sounds heartbreaking.

I have some experience to share because this is part of my story too. Please bear in mind I am relatively new to the program.

My husband is currently in active addiction, including alcohol, but mainly right now shoplifting. I also feel it would not be appropriate to have another child in this context. However, I truly want another child, we had our one baby a few years ago and I personally feel ready to start again. Because of the nature of my husbands acting out, I wasn't even aware we were in such a bad situation until he revealed it to me, we were actually on the verge of trying for another baby when he revealed for the past year he had been shoplifting, stealing from work and drinking. He had had more than a decade in recovery at that point. It was devastating.

I think part of my experience now is grieving for the loss of that "normal" life - not perfect, but one where we could work out our differences without the specter of addiction and also bring more children into the world. I feel a lot of sadness about this.

I also feel however that as I get stronger in my recovery, there might be a time when it is right for me to have another child. I know that it is possible to live a happy full life regardless of the A's active addiction or not. Or there might come a time when I need to leave this relationship and perhaps will have more children with another person. There is so much grief and sadness for potential lost around this for me.

Things that have been helping me has been getting as involved in program as I can. I got a sponsor on Friday - I am very excited to start working with her. Where I live there is only one meeting a week, but if there were more regular meetings around I would try to go everyday. I don't know what it is but something about being around people with recovery who understand is healing even if they aren't "telling me how to solve my problems" which maybe I wanted.

Another similar experience is that my husband doesn't work now and has been consistently underemployed for years. I project this out 15 years and imagine the consequences. No home-ownership, no opportunity to be home with my child and not work. No savings or investments and financial security. Always trying to make ends meet on a meager cheque. It terrifies me. Program has taught me that I can think one day at a time. There will come a time when I will no doubt sit down and assess what I want and need in this area and make a decision. But I know now I am too sick with my disease to make a sensible decision. I need to get stronger through recovery and then address these things. Otherwise this will just become another one of my "plans" to fix things.

Sending love xxxxxxxxx

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Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

Thank you all for sharing your stories, much appreciated, especially when I feel low and vulnerable. It gives me hope and also makes me realise that I am projecting into the future yet again. A good reminder that I need to focus yet again on my recovery first. Thanks all xx

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 204
Date:

My younger sister had two children.  While she certainly did better than my mother did her older son is an active alcoholic. 

I have a lot of recovery under my belt but I still don't know I would be a great parent. Parenting is about more than biology. 

I know that finances have been an issue all my life. I gave watched my co workers struggle with having children and working to give them what they need. 

 

I have definitely been around the block with the financial issue with an A.  I shared a duplex with the ex A.  I poured my heart and soul into the garden and making the home better. He d8d not have the same commitment. For me it was wrenching to let go of that dream.  I was dreaming with the wrong person. 

 

Adjusting our expectations around an alcoholic is one of the most difficult things to do.  The ex A's brother spelled it outvto me. The first relationship was to the substance. 

I didn't wantbto accept that for a long time. 

 

I have my own apartment these days.  I may.not he purchasing a home but I really enjoy making it mine.    I have goals and dreams these days. They are practical they do not include someone else's cooperation. 

 

Life without children and without home ownership can be rewarding too.  The key for me is serenity and my well being. 

When I am taking care of myself it isn't a chore it's an exploration.  Self preservation is part of my vocabulary today. 

 

It isn't selfish to want a future. When I.consider the alcoholic's I know they didn't have too much of a good vision of the future 

I say that while I am still grieving a friend who committed suicide this time last year.  He had all the hallmarks of an alcoholic but his it well.  When something upset him he acted impulsively and killed himself.  One of the things that stands out to me about him was he was very fearful of the future. 

 

The ex A always had unrealistic plans move to the countryside 

Move to the mountains.  He didn't have a perspective on what it would take to do that.  I bought into a lot of that unrealistic notions.  I always believed his excuses too.  Everything was always someone else's fault.  

 

One day I.confrontrd the A with the issue he had a crisis every day as part of his alcoholism. That was a turning point for me. 

I stopped picking up the pieces he created to fuel his addiction.  I stopped being let down at every turn too. 

 

9ne day at a time does lead to more.  Now for me it's three months at a time one year at a time one goal at a time. 

 

Maresie 



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Maresie


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:

Hi

I am living with the abusive ABF and father of my 2 beautiful boys; William, 8 and James, 7. I love them really more than life and I want only the best, all of the best for them. However and against all the wisdom of Alanon, religion and sanity, they are also my biggest regret because I can't give them a happy non-alcoholic home. I cant give them the one thing I should and it is heartbreaking for us all. All us mums say we would give up our lives for our children and yet, even that wouldn't fix their broken awful world. 

I am trying my best to follow the steps and be a good mum and make everything seem as normal and loving as I can, but now especially with Christmas around the corner, I hate myself and my decision to bring these innocent souls into this situation which I knew about all along. I dont even have the excuse of ignorance or that the disease is a recent development.... I had these 2 boys because I believed things would change and it would get better, he would get better. All the while probably knowing deep down it never could.

I am the child of an alcoholic and I wish I wasn't. Now my boys are the children of an alcoholic and I'm pretty certain they wish they weren't.

I am leaning like crazy on my HP like always but it cant change history, or what I have condemned these children to be.

Love yourself if you can is all I can say xx 



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