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Hello all..its been a while since Ive posted so I apologize in advance if this is longwinded. My sponsor is not available right now and Im boiling over and need to get it out....Just really need to vent I guess or maybe just need to figure out what program tool to use to pull myself together while I try to get thru this holiday season. My AH have been separated for a year and a half and still same BS with him...just a different day. He's still activley drinking and wreaking havoc in everyones path that he crosses. To get to the point, while I still love this man very much, I am often torn between disgust and rage. Most days Im ok as I try my best to apply the program to my day to day life...but the effects of the disease on our lives, the empending holidays and our current 'situation" has me feeling a lot of resentment, rage and betrayal because his mindset has him accusing me of all the things that he's actually the one guilty of....classic alcoholic...he paints me as non- caring, cold hearted, horrible wife, nonsupportive blah blah blah...
I had a serious slip last month by giving him a ride to try to get his car out the pound because it was repossesed while he was getting his bday drink on at the local watering hole...I realize now, that I only did it so that he wouldnt lose yet another job due to irresponsible behavior....beat myself up a good week over that one! ...anyway as the diseas would have it I am the enemy yet again for all of the above rediculous reasons. I will say even though I did slip up and 'come to his rescue'...I did have enough since afterwards to decline when he suggested he could come crash at my house until he "figured out his car situation"...I promptly told him "no" and that I'll take him home to his own house but thats all your getting out of me....pissed him off real good hence the name calling above...My real rage right now is that Im having a hard time separating the disease from the man...christmas is right around the corner and I am reminded of all that I do with no financial support from him and yet I continue work really hard at upholding my religous values, being a good person and doing whats right in Gods eyes... his deliberate 'witholding of support because of his on/off anger at me for leaving him has me in a really rageful/vengeful place right now and I literally am minute by minute pulling myself out of this rageful mindset just so I can get thru the day. For the past few years Ive managed to give my 2 girls a christmas with Gods help, but I have no idea how Im gonna do it this year without someone or something suffering to accomplish it ......the practicle side of me says this relationship is a wrap and that I need to file for sivorce so he would be forced to give me child support but because of the financial burden I have with leaving him I cant afford to take him to court...just so frustrated because I just dont believe this is the life God had in mind for me and my girls.
I.hope you may.be able to contact one of the many.agencies oit there who help with Christmas gifts for low income people.
I know full well.what it is to be around a significant other who seems kike he deliberately.withholds. in.fact they with hold from tjemselves far more. I.dont know that that.helps. When I.came to.full.acceptance of the situation it helped. There was no.shortcut to that.
Detachment.helped me greatly with.being maligned. The niw ex A malugned me greatly. He told everyone we were roommates when he was driving a truck I made payments on. He didnt make.ine payment. It toik md a lot of practice with detaching to.get to a place of acceptance. Detachmebt hekped me to get to having a set.of skin metaphorically.
It is like having.a outer zone that nothimg penetrates.
Detachment 5akes time befire there is a lot of relief. It is.important to keep on.doing it even when it dient.seem to work.
For me particularly over the holidays I had to gey more self protective. I had to be mindful of my triggers. Before I knew I was triggered but I.didnt have enough self compassion to attend to myself.
My expectations also had to be liwered. I was akways looking fir a hallmark.version of.the hokudays. I have to.maje my own hallmark.
In oarticular over the holidays I have to.double up the biundaries. Be xareful not to take too much on. Last.year I was looking fir a job (largely unsuccessfulLY)
The last.thing I would say is out diwn the stick stop beating yoyrself uo. Wjatever you do for the A is on a case by cade basis. I.heloed the now ex A for a full year after I left him. I.am glad I did. Eventually I took over all.our pets. There came a time where I stopped. Only.you kniw when that time is.
Shoulda woulda coulda is not necessarily that helpful.
When you are shouldaing yourself you are setting yourselfw uo to be shouldaed by someone else. You are already struggling.
I still hurt i.still.struggle. These days I am on my side instead of desperately hoping and craving someone else to be.
