The material presented
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I have really been trying to let go of controlling my husband.
One of the biggest obstacles, both practically and intellectually, is parenting together.
My husband's issues do not for the most part make him incapable of parenting our son. What's more, I really need him to be able to parent so I am able to work. I am the one working and earning money for us. We live in a different country from our families and while we have friends here, we don't have anyone who is able to provide the intensive help we might need, like you know, a mom I could move back in with or something like that.
The terrifying thing is that sometimes he is responsible and at times he lets me down in major ways. I feel fear when he lets me down and often blame myself for not expecting it an planning around it. And then next time he will be responsible again. It is confusing and destabilising for me. He also lies a lot to cover his compulsive behaviors which leaves me second guessing a lot.
It seems to me that we are both in a sticky web of dependence. I rely on him so I can earn money.... he relies on me to earn money so he can live in a house and have food... our son relies on both of us. Money is so tight as he has been consistent underemployed or unemployed for years now. I don't have space in this budget for babysitters, house cleaners or any of the things that might take the pressure off both of us to focus on recovery.
The idea that I can detach and live my own life sounds wonderful. I would really appreciate anything anyone has to say on this topic. I feel a lot of fear and feel very alone. People give me "advice" and after three years of trying every strategy imaginable to get him to "step up to the plate" I am over it.
I just don't know how to pratically continue to navigate the areas of our life where our decisions do affect one another and I am reliant on him.
Thanks for sharing, Annie.
My own experience is a bit different from yours in that we don't have kids, but we do have pets, and I do need to rely on my AW for certain things so I can travel for work, etc.
I decided a few years ago that I needed to make decisions that were good for me, and allow my wife to make decisions that are good for her. I Also decided that, since she had shown me who she was and what she was going to do, it would be best if I believed her. She hasn't held a job for more than two years, she has been consistently unemployed or underemployed, and when our finances were intertwined, that had a large negative impact on me. My solution was to separate our finances. I pay the things I would pay myself for myself if she were not involved. If she wants money for something, she is responsible for earning it. (She went from a full time job 2 years ago to working part time the last year, which has impacted her ability to do things as well as the kinds of food we eat and what we can do in our freetime. I used to get really upset about this underemployment and unemployment, but she has shown me over and over that this is what she is going to, and that she is not interested in working full time or actively trying to support us, and so believing her and accepting that as the way things are for her is a way for me to keep sane and to keep from being disappointed. That also applies to housework of any sort. She'll sit at home and just not take care of things. I call it sofa-sitting. She'll just sit in the corner of the sofa, meanwhile, there is food spoiling in the fridge that needs to be cooked, a sink full of dishes to wash, cat boxes that needed cleaning a week ago, piles of laundry, a coat of dust on everything, etc. If I assume she will do anything about that, I'm expecting her to reliably do something that she has demonstrated to me that she will not do, and I may as well believe her.
The question for me was really: Is this worth it? Am I willing to live my life with a partner who does not contribute financially or physically at home in a reliable manner? I Am still not sure, but deciding not to make a decision today is a decision, and it is one I have made daily for several months now. Today, am I willing to accept my relationship as it is? The day I say no, I Will know that I need to make a change.
For me, becoming independent and not relying on her was something that I did a little bit at a time. AlAnon helped a lot with the tools I needed to find to help me make these important changes.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I can relate to living in confusion like this. My ex was reliable then not, loving then not, giving then not. It may be the nature of the disease, it seems to me when addicted its difficult to maintain positive behaviours because the disease is mostly in charge of the behaviour.
I had to give up jobs because my ex got drunk and passed out while babysitting 3 young children at the time. I had no other option and the fear of what might have happened was powerful for me so the job had to go. I know thats not the solution for everyone.
My ex couldnt hold down a job either for long periods of time so living with the uncertainty and lack of financial security was a key feature in my life so I understand how frightening the whole thing is. I live in a country where there are benefits that help provide the basics and I did use these. I didnt have much of a support network either, in terms of childcare, this was mostly due to my own symptoms of isolating myself and not being honest about what was going on in my home, i was too ashamed, I also felt like a failure as a mother and wife.
I think its difficult to see the reality when we live with active drinkers because its like living in a thick fog, I remember thinking, ok, is this one time only behaviour? yes, it must be, so then I just kept doing what i was doing and then of course the next crisis would happen and the whole thing would start again.
Have you ever read 'The merrygoround called denial?' I read this and thought wow that is my life, the constant doing the same thing over and over, believing the same lies, telling the same lies to myself and it was all because i lacked understanding of the power of this disease and not only over the drinker but the power it had to make me irratible discontent and irrational and I lived in complete denial for years.
Anyway, there is hope and help, if your looking for change then it begins with you unfortunately or fortunately depending on your perspective. alanon is a recovery program for us and it brings on huge changes within us that benefit the whole family. In fact it was the best gift I ever gave myself and my now grown children.
Annie - there are no easy answers - that's for sure. My boys were old enough when I discovered the hidden agenda of the disease that I was able to give them emergency contacts and establish safe places for them to go if they had a need. I worked with other parents for carpools, rides, shares, etc. so he would not be driving them anywhere and worked with my job to have flexibility to work from home when necessary.
I literally had to 'act as if' he was not available, and then if he was - it almost became a 'bonus' moment. It's not an easy mindset to get to, but as stated above, I had been shown what mine was capable/willing to do, and decided to work with that instead of what my fairy-tale thinking thought he should be doing.
Around here, over time, as I was calmer and better able to speak my mind without ripping another apart, I was able to clearly and concisely ask for what I needed. I get more support when I say things such as, "I really need your help with ........................................." vs. "I expect you to ................................. while I am gone." Like mentioned above, I had to become independent to realize what was really wanted vs. needed, and also to determine how important was it.
I went on a girls weekend a couple weeks ago, and they all looked at me like I had 6 heads when I said I no longer decorate for Christmas. I stopped doing so when I realized that I was the only one who cared and nobody wanted to help me with it. I miss the decorations greatly but I have a ton more serenity not stressing over when and how I will get it all done! I could tell once again that those who don't live with this disease really do not get it. I found myself very grateful that I try each day to be my own best friend now instead of pleasing everyone else.
Great question and great shares - take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think this really comes down to being able to ask myself questions like what do I want out of life, what do I need and want in a relationship outside of expectations of what "should happen" or my own perfectionism which comes from my many fears and growing up in a home that was full of uncertainty where my parents (who are also my qualifiers) could change moods in seconds.
I don't think I have enough recovery to even begin asking myself what I want from my life. I still have too much emotion flying around everywhere. One minute I love my husband, the next I hate him. One minute I am backing my bags the next I am hugging him. One minute I am dramatically proclaiming I will "see him in court" and the next I think we will be able to work it out.
Over the last few days I have been reading as many messages on this board as possible. I went to an online mtg and have been listening to speakers. I can already tell something has changed. Just the knowledge that my life has become unmanageable and I am powerless gives me the freedom to stop frantically trying to have a normal life while living with an addict.
So I am focusing on taking everything just for today. Just for today my son is cared for, we have what we need, I am basically alright, I have good things in my life that I can focus more energy on.
It doesn't mean I don't feel pain and fear when his disease and its consequences affect me. But I am trying to just narrow in and just see things for how they are today. Eventually I will have to make some decisions but today I am making a decisions not to make a decision as well @Skopi.
Thanks again for the lovely replies. It's such a huge relief to share this with people who understand.
