After Saturday's breakdown, my behavior, being so out of control, due to the alcoholic talking with his ex-wife, drunk. I decided, after a face to face meeting Friday night, I had enough. I am not going to keep living like this anymore. I went out and looked at an apartment today, but just did not feel right. I am scheduled to look at another place tomorrow. I am so determined to leave the alcoholic, winter or not. He is not going to change nor get help. I am done and moving on. I have had enough. I want a sane life. I am trying not to discuss anything with him nor say anything to him to let him know I am looking for an apartment. I called a domestic violence department today and have a group therapy to go attend Thursday night. I have to get support as I have had enough of the verbal, mental, emotional abuse. I can not take it anymore from him. I have a safety plan. 

Tonight he got home from work. I did not say much to him, nor cooked a meal. He started drinking. I did not say anything about his drinking. I just ignored him. He started arguing with me, about Saturday, and saying so what are you doing tomorrow when I am at work. I said none of your business. He said you have a doctor appointment? what you doing tomorrow. I ignored him again. He kept trying to argue with me and I could feel my blood starting to boil up again. He said this is my table your sitting at. I ignored him again. I could see him trying to bait me into an argument. I just ignored him and took my computer and I am once again in the basement bedroom. He is upstairs alone, walking around. Not my problem, what he does. I am focused on my survival. Its called, get an apartment as soon as possible. 

I talked to the domestic violence counselor today and she said do not let him know your leaving. Just act as if everything is normal and when he is gone, get your things and go. Do not let him know anything, It felt so good to be validated today, to know that i am not crazy, that yes, I am being abused. I just have lost all trust and hope that he will sober up. I do not see that will happen. I have plans to call a lawyer as well about the property. I spoke with a lawyer today, but it was very expensive and I told him about the alcoholic and said I need to get a restraining order on him. I believe, the best option for me is to move out, asap, and let things be for now. I have to get away from him for good. He can have the house and bills and all. Once I am out, I will scream from the roof top, merry christmas to me..no more hell to live in during this christmas season. He can have at er.

I saw the picture of the apartment and it looks great, on the 3rd floor and its available now. I am excited to see what it looks like. God willing it will be the right place for me to live in. I can moving and be free. I just pray this will be the right apartment. The one I looked at today, just did not feel right. I have a good feeling about this place I am to see tomorrow. 

He will be in for a shock when I start packing and I have a safe place to live. He will be in for a shock, when I am not here to help pay the bills on this house. Not my problem. Not my issue. Drink all you want once i am gone, and cry and cry and talk to your ex-wife all you want. I do not care. She can listen to your heart break story. If she can sober you up, good on her, as I can not and will never be able to. I am just made that way, to sober up anyone. I do not have that kind of power. She would be more woman that I ever will be to sober you up.

I am hopeful, yes hopeful, that I will be able to get this place that I can call home and were I can be safe at last. Safe from drunkenness and abuse. I have enough and I will not live this Christmas again in this craziness. This has been 3 Christmas of hell I will endure if I stay. I just can not do it again. I have had enough. I want a life where I can live not die. He is sick and refuses help. I can not do it anymore. His drinking is daily now and he is getting more and more insane. What will be next? I do not want to know. I have had enough of the drunkenness and abuse from him. Constantly calling me down, ridicule, ect. I am tired of living in fear. The police will do nothing, as I had called them the last time and I am seen as the crazy one, while he acts so normal, when they showed up. The domestic violence lady said, if he acts up against me again, let the cops hear him and see who really is the crazy one. 

I see he is very sick and will not get better. I can not tolerate anymore. I have to save myself. I tried so hard to make this sick relationship work and I see now it can not be saved. He is insane, completely insane. I have hope. I just have to keep taking one step forward, one step forward and know that I will get results. 

Meanwhile, i have to keep focused, focused on getting out for good. Get a place to live, asap. I must keep that focus and take the steps to get the place to live where I am safe. 

Detach, detach. I have been doing that. Not calling him, not talking to him, just ignoring him and thinking, he is just a roommate, he is just a roommate, he is just a roommate, nothing more  

Thanks for letting me share this. I attended an on line meeting tonight but had to stop as he came to the table where I was typing and had to get out of the meeting for my safety. I did not want him to know anything. I am keeping all things secret from him as I do not trust his reaction. He knows I am going to leave,but not certain when and I threatened last month I was going to leave and did not, as I did not get an apartment set up.