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Post Info TOPIC: Need help with boundaries


Newbie

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Date:
Need help with boundaries


I need help on how to set a boundary with my spouse.  Last night I found out that he had driven with my 4 year old in the car after drinking.  This is the first time this has happened, and I need it to be the last.  I am very new to the concept of Al-Anon and believe I need to go to meetings, not only because of my husband but because of my alcoholic father.  I have listened to some podcasts and I realize I cannot control my husband.  I need to lovingly detach.  However, I need to also set a boundary because I can not be around him when he drinks anymore, and I do not want my child to be around him while he drinks even more.  I do not want my child to grow up with the same issues I have.  I told my husband we need to talk after he gets off work, but I am not certain how to say what I need to say.  



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~*Service Worker*~

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welcome and I really hope you get to some meetings sooner than later. I cringe at the idea of any child being in a car with an active drinker. I don't encourage confrontation with an active A .. it didn't go well for me. My xah was not to have kids in the car when he was drinking. Mine were older so it was easier for them to say no and they could tell when dad was drinking. Meetings sponsor and support help a great deal. These are personal choices that have direct consequences in regards to dealing with these type of things. Not having to live with the consequences or knowing your Story it's hard to say what the right action For you is .. Mine was dialed down no. Big big hugs and you will find the right answer for you. Again welcome. :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. I have been trying to prepare all day. He knows he is in the wrong. I need this to be a catalyst for change. We both need help, I just don't know how to suggest it in a way that won't make him defensive I guess. Is this what you mean by a "dialed down no"?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Seconding what Serenity had to say. That was one of my biggest fears and when my XAH did actually get his DUI, I was beyond grateful that he didn't have our son in the car with him. He had a breathalyzer on his car for 2 years afterwards and that gave me a bit of peace of mind.

I do think Al Anon meetings are where it's best to start. Finding other people who can support you, give you suggestions on how to approach your husband, and help you find serenity and peace whether he listens to what you have to say or not. The first thing I remembered learning in Al Anon were the 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it......His drinking is his problem but I know how hard it is when our kids are involved and need to protect them as best as we can.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
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My bottom line boundary was the kids were not to be in his truck with him if he had/has been drinking .. my circumstances were different .. he was out of the house and I, honestly today or then, have NO problem calling the cops if I suspected him to be drinking. Does that make sense? I didn't have really consequences of living with him in the house. Now had I had to do that he might have lost his job, I was fully prepared to do so.

My experience with alcoholics has been you can talk until you are blue in the face, trying to rationalize them into recovery is wasted breath. Save that for yourself. Yes you are right in the statement "we both need help". He has to find his way and you have to find yours. Trying to talk him into recovery is never a good place to start.

There are wiser/kinder/softer spoken people than me on the boards who have navigated different waters successfully with their active or recovering A. I'm a hard learner in a lot of ways. My thing is kids have no choice, no voice and both will tell you they have friends who fully grasp when I love them like one of my own no one gets between me and my cubs, adopted or naturally mine. I take a very hard stand on many issues when it comes to children and I'm trying to find a softer way .. LOL .. I am also prepared for the consequences of my choices which means .. taking a kid home at midnight because they don't believe in boundaries, or calling the cops because my most precious people in my life just walked out the door with someone I know to be in an altered state of mind.

So I go back to encouraging you to seek out meetings even the online meetings to get started in your recovery. Having these kinds of conversations and not really being prepared to accept the fact I am not going to talk sense into a drunk, my expectation is my HP or his/hers is going to zap some much needed lightening into their head or lower. Just saying .. there are not enough words in the English dictionary or any other book to make a drunk stop drinking. You can only take care of you and yours and that's it. Loving an A who is active is a balancing act when it comes to kids and the behavior that comes with the disease.

Hugs S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you both. I understand the mama bear feeling. I want to protect my daughter in every way possible. Part of the conversation I want to have is that I will not hesitate to call the cops on him if he drives drunk again, especially if our child is in the car. I have told him before to tell me if he plans to drink, that way my daughter and I can get out of the house. I am able to control my own actions, and at the same time I want to protect my daughter. Is that something that complies with the program? At the same time, I cannot be doing that every day, as I don't really have a place to go besides shopping or to the movies, and that would get expensive quickly.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Again .. my situation was different, he didn't drink at home and if he was drunk HE left not me. He did wind up with a DUI because of that fact. It was a year before we split. I was very tired of dancing around the disease and we didn't have a ton of money, small town and I couldn't pack up the kids because he decided to drink. He drank before he came into the house, behind a farm shed and so on it was so fun .. not. I think about it now and the insanity of it all for both of us.

Now some people don't agree with that stance the whole it's his house to however it's my right to live in a peaceful home and it was not peaceful when he was drinking. I think mine was more about the issue of if it was just him and I .. honestly I doubt I would have cared much, the kids came first. We both had a part in the not peaceful part and it wasn't what was said it was implied and my oldest put it best .. it was an unspoken hostility which was far more damaging I think than if we had just had it out from time to time. We didn't fight openly until we separated.

Hugs S :)



__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
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thisisit - sometimes, we really have to impose a boundary before we get to embrace too much Al-Anon. Glad you've listened to some podcasts and hope you can get to a meeting/meetings soon.

What helped me in the beginning was to use I statements, not You. And to clearly and concisely state what you need heart - I am very concerned about your drinking and driving with our child in the car. Then ... and this was tough for me - stop talking! I used to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and that was where I often threw barbs (unintended) that caused many word wars. Say what you mean, mean what you say and just don't say it mean.

Only you can decide if there is more to be said. Around here, I flat out told all of my guys that if I saw them driving under the influence, I would call the police and report them. I did not EVER want to have to live with this disease taking the life of anyone - mine or others. I would much rather mine go to jail/thru the court process than what can result from driving under the influence.

HTH!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you Iamhere. I appreciate your suggestion. I tried using the I statements. Not certain what good will come out of mu husband and my conversation last night, but he does know that driving after drinking is unacceptable. I told him I do not want myself, nor my daughter to be around drinking at all, that includes him as well as if we visit my father who also drinks and causes me to feel very uncomfortable. I do want to let you all know that I did go to an Al-Anon meeting for the first time. I just told my husband I am messed up and need to work on me. I told him I was going to a class. It went ok, everyone was nice, but I felt a little uneasy. I am not sure what I am supposed to do between meetings though. Is there literature I should read? I did get some newcomer brochures which I looked at.
I am wondering if proceed to learn about the 12 steps on my own? If so, where do I found out more about what I need to do?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Thisisit, I'm glad you found a meeting. What I did after my first meeting was read the brochures. Then I began reading other Al-Anon literature that was available for purchase at the meeting and online, meanwhile going to at least one meeting every week.

I listened to people share, and when I heard a person who had been in a similar situation to mine, and seemed to have found recovery even while having an alcoholic spouse, I asked her to be my sponsor. She guided me in working the steps, acting as a sounding board.

My sponsor suggested that I be gentle with myself. That was good advice, as it it takes a while for the new ways of thinking and behaving to sink in.

Another tip for connecting with people is to help out at the meeting ... help set up chairs, make coffee, whatever they need ... and also stick around after the meeting, as this is often when people chat one-on-one with each other. Maybe ask someone what books they recommend.

Also posting here is a good thing to do between meetings. Connecting with other people in Al-Anon is probably the most powerful part of the program. We cannot do it alone, and we find out that we are not alone.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
Date:

Good on you thisisit for finding and attending a meeting. There is an assortment of literature that Al-Anon suggests and most of us use it to learn, heal and deal. As far as the steps, it certainly never hurts to view them, consider them and even begin to see what you think/feel about them.

Here, at the top right, there is a link to the 12 Step board we use. Hotrod (Betty) posts a step every 2 weeks and you can go over and read the steps and responses. If you want to post/write, you will need to join that forum - it's separate. You can use the same name that you use here or you can use a different/new one.

Most meetings sell literature and if they don't, you can find it online. If $$ is tight, you might be able to borrow some from a local library. In between meetings, we do what we can to keep our focus on self and practice the suggestions in the literature. I don't know if this helps or not but a sponsor is a good place to start. We have meetings here as well - if you look to the top left, you can see the times and the link to the meeting room.

Keep reading here and asking questions - we're all in this together and you're in a great place! Keep coming back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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