The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was in such a good place yesterday. I am not back in the dumps again. I cried this morning, as I was so hurt. It felt good to cry. I went to a face to face meeting last night and I came home to the alcoholic drinking beer again. I got angry with him as I came home to see him drinking. I should have known better then to expect him to be sober. He is an alcoholic that he admitted to. We got into an argument and he shared that he is very, very angry with me for not working. He says I go to work everyday and what do you do, nothing all day, just watch TV. You are lazy and do not work, rather you just live off my tax money. I go to work everyday and your just lazy, there is nothing wrong with you at all! For some reason, I just got so hurt by that comment of his. I am sick, and to see a heart specialist and a surgeon next month. I have been having severe pain in my heart area, that I will be discussing with the heart specialist on Monday about and I had puking sessions this week as well. I am so angry and hurt that he does not support me or believe that I am sick and can not work at this time. I have income so its none of his business what I do. I told him I done with this relationship and I will be moving out as soon as I am well enough and he can live in this house of his all alone, I do not care. I am so angry right now, that I will show him. I will not be doing anything, anything at all, to help him. As far as cooking meals that I had been doing despite being sick, he can cook for himself. The hell with him. I will not help him or do anything, I mean anything for him anymore. I am done with being treated like crap. Yesterday, he asked me to buy him bus tickets to go to work. I did not buy him anything. I will not buy him or help him. To be treated like crap afterwards...to be told I am lazy, not sick, do not want to work, how dare he. I am so angry this morning. I despise him with a passion. I feel like he is the devil himself. Evil, Evil. I never hated someone so much. I have no pity or desire to even have him near me. I can not even stand to hear his sick, feel sorry for me voice. I am so done. I can not wait to leave. God I can not wait to leave him in the dust. He can go to hell as far as I am concerned. I have no compassion for him. I just feel so angry right now. I know my body, I am sick. I am not making this up at all. I know myself and how dare he say I am creating this sickness of mine. I was so angry that I just went into my room and ignored him. I need to get away again. I need to leave this weekend again. I need to go on a holiday, and away from this sick sick person that does not deserve my time or energy. I am so mad now, I will not, do anything to be there for him. My hope is he drinks himself to death. I will be free of his sick mouth and words. I will be going to another meeting and talking again. I just had to share this angry feelings I am having this morning before the stress does me in more. God help me. I need help!
I hope your meeting today helps to restore your serenity. When I read your post, I remembered ugly statements my exah would make and how I felt at the time. I had no Alanon program, had not ever heard of Alanon. The ugly statements caused me to either to become angry or hurt. Actually, the anger for me was just a mask for hurt feelings. I could not for the life of me understand how someone could say cruel things to someone who was giving them so much love. Even today, so many years later it's a mystery for me because only the alcoholic really knows their own inner demons that cause them dump on others in this manner. When my exah was actively drinking and drugging we never seemed to have a rational conversation. I couldn't reach him emotionally while he was using or when he was coming down off using. His thinking, his way of rationalizing things was so off base it left me thinking, huh???? Is he for real? I guess the best analogy I can offer something John who built this site and was an alcoholic himself use to say. "You can take the alcohol out of fruitcake but you still have a fruitcake." I hope that at least caused you to laugh a little. Without AA recovery or some other means to sobriety and sanity, the unacceptable behavior towards others and really towards themself as well continues.
Thankfully, this site is here for working out our feelings and our meetings and program provide us with great tools such detachment and QTIP. He has no control over you unless you allow it. You've got lots of choices, Joker. You always have choices. We all do. Your hp will continue to empower you to do what's right for you - leave, stay and detach.. you'll decide. Please take good care of your health and well-being. You're worth it. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
