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My two girls have just started school. Its a great time in our lives. I eagerly volunteered to be a member of the new Parent Staff Association. However, one meeting in and two days of WhatsApp messages I am experiencing sinking feelings, dread, anxiety and probably a good dose of confusion. I feel that I myself am, ultimately, to blame and will exit from this group at the earliest convenience. I met three of the other mums before the PSA was officially set up and had my suspicions that they were not very positive people. Upon meeting other new members I can see that three of the four people who tried to get this off the ground are of a similar disposition. Who am I to judge?, I hear you, quite rightly, ask. Well, all qudos to those who put in the work to try to form a group. I applaud and commend them but I realise that I do not 'fit in'.
We had our first meeting two nights ago and most suggestions got closed down very quickly and went the way of the organiser or her friends (incidentally, she was keen to point out that there was no official officers and that we just chat things through). She has obviously given a lot of thought as to how things could be and while she kept saying that we all have equal say, in reality it just went her way. In fairness, maybe she just wanted to get the ball rolling. However, during the meeting there was a lot of cross talking and I kind of got fed up with it as it became apparent that during the meeting and subsequent WhatsApp messages that some people weren't heard (including me!). One of the main parents was actually cutting across others all the time. I don't know how much others noticed but I really noticed.
So I was feeling frustrated enough to politely air my feelings on the text group but I have received replies that have no trace of understanding, co-operation, desire to improve things. In fact I think the main organiser is offended that I expressed anything at all and I feel like we are in the school ground acting like kids. We are actually physically in the school ground picking up the kids today and there were a few tight smiles.
I have decided that I will be over it asap and recognise that it is better that I wait and share my help with another group who may be more open and like-minded. The main thing I am experiencing here is surprise at how deeply it has cut to 'not get along' with others. I like to think that I'm fair minded, honest, helpful and have the good of the group in question at heart. But I feel deep anxiety and almost devastation that I have hit a hurdle so quickly into this group. I tried to raise a point about fairness (cross-talking), was shot down and now feel guilt/sinking feelings that I don't think I've felt since I was a teenager or in my twenties. It's been a big surprise and a big lesson. And I guess its not over yet as I have to make my excuses and leave. I do know that it is the right thing for me to leave as my priority are my own two girls and my extended family. Today, I also just agreed to take my two nephews 2/3 days for the next five weeks so that may be impacting the anxiety level a bit. But it has side swept me that each time I got a lurching feeling I just knew it was around the PSA and their disapproving looks etc (or my perception of their disapproving looks).
It's definitely time for me to check into a local meeting. Thank you for reading and for being there. I wish one of you could observe the situation and my part in it in case you might gently need to point out the errors of my ways to me. X
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 03:09:09 PM
The control going on in your PSA group sounds familiar. We even experience it in our Alanon meetings with some members. You know.. I think it's great to have awareness that I too have exhibited that behavior from time to time but it's no longer a constant in my life. In our Alanon meetings there are at least traditions to give us guidance and everyone a voice. We can't change others, only our reactions to them. With that said, sometimes it's just simpler to walk away and find a healthier group to join. You voiced your concerns and feel they aren't being acknowledged. Maybe hp has somewhere else in mind for you where your voice and participation will be welcomed and appreciated. I wouldn't need to observe this and your part to understand this dynamic. If you've said what you meant and not said it mean, kept an open mind, listened respectfully to the ideas and contributions of others but feel you're not being shown the same respect you've likely done what you can. From what you wrote, it sounds like this woman has been getting mileage out of having her way for awhile. Now you've brought the situation out into the light and blindsided her with your recovery behavior. You are now the receiver of "tight smiles." We can't change others and no need to really. Sometimes not fitting in, not belonging is a sign of wellness. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi FAINTLY, I HAVE FOUND THAT IN ANY GROUP MEETING IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO HAVE GUIDELINES SO THAT ALL ARE HEARD AND DECISIONS CAN BE MADE. THE NO CROSS TALKING RULE AND HAVING A FORMAT AS TO WHO CAN SPEAK (SHOW OF HANDS ETC ) ALLOWS ALL TO FEEL WELCOME i BELIEVE THAT IS WHY ALANON MEETINGS ARE SO SUCCESSFUL. THE TRADITIONS HAVE DEFINED OUR MISSION AND PROVIDED THE MEANS TO ACHIEVE THEM . i WOULD NOT RESIGN YET BUT MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO ESTABLISH A FORMAT. GOOD LUCK
Most closely to my own thoughts and experiences is HotRod...that is how I also did it and I had a very hard time the first time I got in to the groups. It took me two trips and the best I got was from the ending reading..."If you keep an open mind...you will find help". Keep coming back and of course there are so many options to choose from...consider the consequences. (((hugs)))
I can say that we are experiencing growing pains in my Al-Anon group and it is difficult. I have been doing a bit of soul-searching and am also considering a change. I have done the best I can to share my truth and many are fearful to speak up. I do agree with Betty - that a recognized format where all can share and be heard works wonders. New groups and growing groups face challenges. I suspect this group will go on; I am not certain I am getting what I need any more.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much tiredtonight. Very wise words and I really appreciate the time you took to read and respond. I love that you say there's no need to try and change others - very refreshing. And yes, I think I will quietly slink off and put my energies into a community choir I have been looking at starting. I am actually meeting another interested party to do with the choir next week and he is a more delightful, respectful person who is so positive to be around. Thank you for helping me see the difference here. X
Thank you hotrod. Part of me feels like I really should stay and help to set up some guidelines such as you are suggesting. But my instinct says that I will be dealing with some members who are not open to hearing of anything like this. And this will leave me frustrated, at the receiving end of negative body language and therefore living with sinking feelings and anxiety. For now, I feel that being around unhealthy individuals is not healthy for me. I respect everything that they do and will support in whatever way I can but the relief of not having turned on my wi-fi (i.e. getting WhatsApp messages) for the last 24 hours has been immense. We live and learn (with the support of our AlAnon friends!)
I Iamhere. Thanks for reaching out. I am sad, intrigued and fascinated that you are considering moving on from your Al Anon group. I thought that all other groups had the answers and sagely worked through any little blips. So I really feel for you. You have shown immense insight, kindness, patience and self awareness to me here. You come across to me as being a great guiding hand with wisdom. So when I say fascinated I really mean - 'really?' Al Anon is not perfect?'
One of the reasons I do not go to my own meeting regularly is because of one individual. I do everything I can to listen, respect etc but she really gets on my nerves. She talks as if she's reading from a Peter Pan storybook (wild vocal inflections). I find it hard but everyone else seems to like her so I just try to listen. In all seriousness she seems a little unhinged but I remind myself that I'm quite sure that I can come across that way at times so I try to remember that. But I can see how an individual may cause problems in a group and I'm so sad for you that you are considering moving on. Is there an option to start a new group? You are actually a very helpful member here
Thank you Maresie. I hadn't really thought of it that way but, you're right, I should be very proud of myself to recognise that just two days into this new parent group that it is not for me. I am very glad and grateful that I have been able to reach out here in my hour of need. Thank you for listening and responding. X
Thanks faintly - I would not want to start a new group - I am fortunate that we have many options in my area, and from what I've heard, many are good! In my scenario, I am the issue. I love my group and the people dearly. Yet, with many options comes fluctuating attendance and we seem a bit 'stuck in a rut' with the same people in attendance often/always and new blood once in a while. I believe I need to move on/out and spread my wings a bit as I'm feeling I'm not growing here.
We do have growing pains - we have some conflicts over reimbursing someone who spent money without group conscious approval. This is a long term member who does attend frequently and performs service. The group founder believes we should just reimburse the expense, which would leave us with no money. I struggle with this simply because I believe we are in recovery to be accountable, not people please and certainly not enable. We have now had two business meetings over this and it's causing friction, discomfort and more.
I was asked to be the treasurer and when I agreed, it was to be temporary as our treasurer was recovering from surgery. Well - that recovery did not go well and the member has not been able to return nor resume the treasurer role. Very unfortunate and I have been willing to serve. However, when this situation came up about the unauthorized expenses, our founder told the member to work with me to resolve. I am a finance person and my first reaction was Nope....not bankrupting the group because of the actions of one. That blew up and here we all are.
So - I am feeling the need to back out of this role, attend some other groups and just be a member for a bit. This has really caused me pain as I do see all sides and wish we could just vote/resolve yet it feels like the founder and the irresponsible member want it their way. The expense did not benefit the group in any way and was from Q2 of 2016 and is just now coming up.
*Sigh* - so nope....unfortunately, groups have issues. I do believe there will be a resolution and I'm 100% comfortable with what the group decides. I just feel a bit too close to a situation that feels awkward, irresponsible and a bit against Al-Anon's principles. And - did I mention that I hate business meetings? They tend to bring out the worst in people at times, including me...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have been in recovery since 2-8-79 and have experienced the pits and the plush of the program. I had no expectations when I started so I had nothing to measure it with. It took me two trips to find a seat and then stay in it and I learned to accept everything about the AFG, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I came to accept my contributions to both. I made my last amends to my AA group yesterday because the steps guided me to it even when my invitation to blame was whispering "you're right, you're right...make them boil".
I was told by the old timers that I would never graduate recovery and I would relapse and have it get worse if I left before I was done in it. I know I am not done and I know what the word worse means because I have experienced worse even as I had all the literature and a great sponsor and a meeting chair and more. We are not perfection and have a daily invitation for progress as long as I humble put God first and my ego second. Which I am just about to do now. Thanks for the shares. (((((hugs))))) mahalo.
Gosh, that seems like a very tricky situation. The fact that the 'founder' is being referred to as such makes it sound like she has more say in the group. Obviously we know the theory of how groups are run so that shouldn't be the case but it seems to be the reality. Also, an unauthorised spend? Under normal circumstances you could view that there are two issue s that do not match your philosophy of Al Anon. But now you have, helpfully but unfortunately, become integral to this situation. Has the issue been given special space? Has there been an opportunity to clarify procedures around spending money? Has no one said, well ok, she probably should not have spent that money - let's look at it again when there is a healthier balance of money. Good luck with dealing with it all.
What is most tricky for me, and this is a 'me' issue is I typically avoid service roles that have to do with 'official business'. I know how Al-Anon suggests we operate, and I would love to say that recovery groups don't have politics. Yet, the reality is there is usually some politics and for a lifetime of reasons, I prefer service that can add value without getting sucked into the politics. Yet - here I am.
I talked with my sponsor about it today. The bottom line is we all come to recovery for help dealing with the affects of this disease. Service is secondary. If I feel that my serenity/sobriety are threatened, I truly need to take care of me first. What that looks like is yet to unfold but I do know I need to put me first and if that means pulling out of the role, so be it. If that means finding a different group, so be it.
The group and members are lovely - and the growing pains are real and natural. I just need to determine what makes sense for me!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I find that my anxiety from last week has continued and now I have a whole new thing to pin it on. I think I'm in the middle of a difficult time and I am just having to go with it - I'm on a rollercoaster, it doesn't feel great but I'm on it and I just have to ride it out. There are myriad issues going on so I get that I'm a bit jumbled up. So, I need a friend/s to just get it off my chest and this is where I'll do it. I don't want to start a new thread as I feel that I'm really just having to vent and rant so I'll tag it on here to my previous post and it doesn't matter if no one reads it. I think I will feel better to articulate and get it off my chest.
I've just dropped the girls off to school. And school, it seems, is bringing up some previously buried stuff. I think this will be a familiar story for those of you who have started their young children in school - all your own schoolyard insecurities can come flooding right back! In school I had a pivitol moment when I was about nine or ten. My group of friends and I were running around the school when one of them stopped, turned to me and said 'we don't want to be your friend anymore'. I was devastated then and I recall it easily - it still hurts. I'm sure we went on to become friends again but the hurt of being rejected in this way seems to have stuck. I had no idea that our friendship bond could slap me in the face and leave me out in the cold. Of course, during this era I probably also felt rejected by my mother as I perceived that she chose to drink so these years were obviously important in my development. I don't think I had my parents ear to help work through this. I so hope that I can help my own girls to navigate through these playground issues. So, for years, I had a fear of rejection by friends and an even bigger fear of being left out. It has caused me endless emotional pain, fear and god knows what else. But I am 51 now and have come to a point that these issues really doesn't feature in my life. Or so I thought.
I am now back in the school ground with my two five-year-olds. All is going great. Its a great school - they have even moved straight into a totally brand new building. The school ethos, staff, communication - all of this is wonderful and it is less than a five minute drive to boot. I'm am a friendly person by nature so I said hello to anyone that I found myself standing next to and naturally we parents get to know eachother. Some of us got into the habit of hanging around at the school gate while the children played after school so I got to know those parents a little better. During this time I started to think 'Oh, maybe we'll become friends?' so I realise I started setting myself up for a fall. I have long since not worried about making friends. If people like me they like me. It rolls off my back if we don't become bosom buddies. But I guess it is a long time since I made any new friends. My husband and I have a lovely life and the girls are at the centre of that. He is not as naturally sociable as me so we don't invite people around for dinner too much etc but that suits me as I have a couple of friends who I see occasionally and we have enough family who call etc.
So I found myself hoping that I would make friends with this group and with one other mum in particular. There was an unexpected day off school last Monday so I invited them around and the kids played. That particular mum came and I thought we were getting on nicely. However at one point she mentioned that she was 35 so I started to think 'she'll never want to be my friend as I'm 51'. So I can recognise the doubt creeping in there. Incidentally, I have to confess that I've another issue which should be a very happy issue in that my husband is 38 which makes me 14 years older than him. People don't notice as he looks older than his age and people always think I'm younger so its not a problem. But I actually haven't fully reconciled myself to this as it is different to the norm.
A while back I remember this mum saying that it was her son's birthday in November. So since my anxiety started at the PSA on Tuesday last week I have now got it into my head that it was her sons birthday and that she had a gathering to which we were not invited. I didn't see this particular mum on Thurs or Fri so I got it into my head that she was avoiding me. I actually saw her and said hello this morning but I perceived that she didn't hang around. So this is paranoia which is tapping into my, up until now, buried childhood fear of being left out. It's crazy!!!! I can see logically that I have no information to support my fear. In all reality all I can do is see out the month of November and see if the little boys birthday is mentioned and if there is a party. I get that this is a totally fabrication in my head however I also get that we have actually not established a definite friendship yet where it can be assumed you would be including each others children to parties. I have read a little online about how starting your children at school is like re-visiting the playground yourself and that there are schoolyard politics, people do get left out of parties etc. It seems to be a fact of life that, for some, school can bring its own new set of social worries and disappointments. One mum wrote online that she had a 'mum-crush' on another new mum and felt sure that they'd become great friends but over time she discovered that the other mum just wasn't interested. Who knew that just when you thought you were on top of all of your own insecurities that school would open up a new set?
To cap it all off I think I may also have another possible couple of sources of this anxiety. One is that I'm minding my toddler and teenager nephews one day/night a week for the next five or six weeks while their granny recovers from her knee replacement. My two and half year old nephew seems to trigger a feeling like post-natal depression in me (I didn't have that myself when the girls were born). I can find him hard. I don't understand this nor try to but simply acknowledge it and keep boundaries around childminding arrangements. The other is that I have had stomach problems for a year and my gastroscopy is happening on Thursday. I have all sorts of strange feelings where my gallbladder is, where a hernia could be and feel a bit nauseated about half of the time. Put all logic aside and I have an undeniable fear that there may be more than a hernia, ulcer or gallstones there. My sister got caught out, got diagnosed at stage 3b with a tumour in her bowel and died a year later (last year). So this is all still quite recent and, no matter what, I will have that worry that I have something more serious until they have a look inside me later in the week. So I do accept that I have a worry that is out of my control until Thursday. And, yes, I can see that from another person's perspective there is a lot going on.
I think the thing that most of all will help me until the end of the week is to have this forum as a friend. Obviously I can just let it all spill out here. When I sat at the computer after the school drop off just over an hour ago my anxiety was at an eight. I did a little EFT session (this is new to me but fascinating) and I have now poured all my worries, thoughts and theories here and I and definitely down to a two or three so thank you, thank you, thank you. X
Good morning Faintly Falling....I can so relate to how things trigger past events and then my wondering, magnifying, mystical mind can make something different than it is. For me, this is a constant battle/challenge and my best tool is exactly what you've chosen - to write about it, talk about, pray about it and let it go.
I can be and am often my own worst enemy - that being the way my brain can process esp. if I am left/right of my spiritual program. I'm sending you tons of hugs, thoughts and prayers - you got this!! I really, really have to remember that life is hard yet HP still wants me to be happy, joyous and free.
Make it a great Monday!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
mahalo.