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Hi all, just had to post tonight after what has been a very difficult day, the last two weeks since my ex partner died have been hard, I just find the memories of our 4 years together are swamping me a lot of the time. I left him 3 months before he died while he was on a bender that seemed like it was never going to end and during which he was just crazy most of the time, unpredictable, abusive etc. For the 3 months I was away, I had to keep reminding myself of the bad stuff so that I wouldn't go back because I had tried to leave so many times and couldn't stay away but I had finally accepted that things weren't going to change unless he got some help and this was with me having spent years in al-anon and really trying to apply the program, though in fairness I didn't always succeed. But I am human, maybe if I was working a good enough programme I would have been able to laugh it off or ignore it when I got texts saying he was going to have my friend in his bed or whatever the latest threat was but I guess I do not qualify for sainthood yet!
Anyway I find since he died all the good memories are coming back as well, how kind and thoughtful and loving and affectionate he could be. I fell madly in love with this man. I was seeing less and less of this side of him, whether he was drinking or sober, he was a binge drinker and I don't know whether the disease was just taking more of him away with each binge, or which bits of him were real. In the end I think he was just kind of demented I think, whether he was drinking or not. I have a lot of regret that I didn't get to see him before he died. I didn't know he was dying and it was too late when I heard. Having no contact was the only way I could stay away. I'm just left with so many feelings and they are quite overwhelming at times. Questions that I will never have any answers to now. I feel heartbroken. He was sober for the last 2 months and died, as far as I know from hlh, a rare disease which I hadn't heard of and I don't know whether it was brought on by drinking or not.
I look at sites about grieving and just feel that it's not the same as when we are grieving for an alcoholic because the disease leaves so much destruction. I don't know if anyone here has any experience, strength or hope to share with me about the loss of an alcoholic loved one, boy I would really appreciate it if anyone has. I go to his grave and talk to him every day, and I know it's early days and I will get through it somehow, I am quite a strong person, but this has floored me a bit. Thanks.
(((Sarah))) i am so very sorry for your loss. of course you're overwhelmed with emotion. so much pain and destruction.
i think the highs and lows... and the wondering "which bits of him were real" (i can very much relate)... leave us reeling. there was good and there was bad. there was love and there was disease. both things can be and are true at the same time. sometimes it seems impossible.
as i'm in mourning in different ways - my father died last month after a long illness and i left my fiancé after several years of addiction insanity - all i can say is i can so relate to the dynamic and the questions and the emotion you express. i believe what others have told me is right: be gentle with yourself, and allow your feelings, whatever they are. i have a tendency to focus on and remember the good things over the bad things. there is a place and a reason to remember both. the good does not cancel out the bad.
you protected yourself by leaving. that's positive. your trauma and your loss is real. you have to go through it to get through it, and you will.
Hi Sarah I can readily identify, as I lost my son to this dreadful disease years ago. In the beginning the missing and life review was extremely difficult. I did join a grieving group, kept attending alanon and established a web site in his honor. I found that working on the site was very therapeutic. I selected pictures, music and quotes that were healing to my spirit and enjoy visiting each day -- you can do the same Here is the link;http://hotrod.last-memories.com/.
You say you visit his grave each day and remember the good times. i am eternally grateful to program,HP and the web site I established because I have captured the good memories and bask in their warmth.
Most important is to forgive yourself, work a 4th through 11 th step on your regrets and the irrational guilt will lift.
One of my friends (former co workers) committed suicide a year ago. It is comingbup to the anniversary of when he died
I.do agree it is difficult when someone destroys themselves.
He did have a funeral (which I.did not know about)
Nevertheless there was no obituary, no article in the union paper (he was. a shop.steward for many years).
Alcohol/addiction was a factor in his death.
I struggled really hard when I heard the news.
I have to say no.death is atraight forward. Sometimes when someone dies it is a relief because there was so much suffering. I spent a lot of time talking about my friend (not necessarily with people who knew him) That helped.
One thing that categorically.does not help are those people who say #just let go#,
I feel for you and yoyr regret. I had not seen my friend for quite some time before he died. I had been spending time taking care of myself. I rarely in my life take care of me.
This friend was not exactly someone who I knew was fragile.
Since I talked to others (none of whom knew him) I have felt I got to know the real person, the one who was far more fragile than I noted. The odd thing was the people who helped me were not necessarily who I would have thought could be open to listening to me.
For me it is a year since he died and I am no where resolced but I have gotbsome ground under me.
I hope you find people who can hear your grief. That was one big component of my recovery. I sought out help.from various people and they were uninterested. That changed my life view of them.
You deserve the space to grieve whatever the circumstances.
It will never go away and it never should, it will just come in different ways. It will come in waves at first so much so that it will feel as if drowning is the way out. The waves will ebb and flow to a more easy pace and just hanging onto the fact that his choices are his responsibility and you are not responsible for the fact he died .. sober or not .. he died and that's where it is.
I think it's ok to hold on to the good parts without romanticizing them. The realities just are what they are, life is full of good times and bad times. All you can do is just remember he was loved and you loved him to the best of your ability and as much as he would allow you to. I think that is the difference in dealing with addiction and grief.
I hope you find some peace and a balance as you come to terms with this loss.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi everyone I just want to thank you all for your replies and sorry I haven't been here to say that sooner. I did write a reply a few days after I posted that, then realised I wasn't logged in so it deleted and I just couldn't write it again. Some days the simplest things are beyond me. Betty I looked at the website you set up for your son, it's such a lovely way to remember him, thank you for sharing at. Thank you all for sharing your experiences with grief, I do appreciate it, sometimes it's not an easy thing to talk about. I am getting through it a day at a time, I think it's the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life so far and that's saying something! Yes, gigantic waves crashing over me some of the time Serenity, and I'm managing to do what I need to do for myself and my daughter and to show up for a computer course I started just a week before he died. Was my Higher Power looking out for me, I wonder, making sure I had someplace to go and the company others every morning? And al-anon. Betty I can see how the stepwork would help but I just don't feel ready to go poking around in it all yet. Hopefully in time. I feel I did the best I could and it got to a point where I had to protect myself but if I had known what was going to happen I would have done things differently. I am thinking of going to a bereavement support group this week. Bless you all.xx
I went to a bereavement support group. I found it really helpful
Am anon.is very.useful in.learning how set imits and being able to function in hard times. I think it is really.commendable that you are going to the class.
As you know one of my friends died a year ago. A year of grieving has helped a lot. I saw a therapist too. I still may.go to a support group. I cringe when people say #let go#
It is hard to find people to talk to about it that are responsive and who can listen.
(((Sarah))) - it's good to see you and I'm glad you checked in with us.....I too am still sending you thoughts and prayers - know that you have a virtual army supporting you through your grief!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
