The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I had this adopted daughter who was extremely passive aggressive towards me to the extent that she actually put me at serious health risk or loss of my drivers license
scenario one...I had serious bronchitis about 4-5 years ago that was going into pneumonia...my nurse practitioner out of our hospital that my doctor is a member of wanted to admit me to hospital, I was that bad..she is at my house and adopted daughter is there and she is (daughter) saying "oh Ill watch over her..I live next door, Please let me watch over my mom" I was skeptical because this girl sticks it to me every time she gets a chance...nurse said "ok" and I was too sick to argue...nurse leaves...daughter leaves and goes to her house which was next door and I never saw her again, till 2 weeks later when I was "ok" enough to go outside...I could have DIED and noone would have known...I told her that what she did was reprehensible and that karma was a bitch and that she would "burn me out" eventually and have NO mom to abuse.....I didn't speak to her for about a month and she wormed her way back into my life, but I noticed that I just flat did not trust her and would never leave me vulnerable to her again....little things she still "stung" me with but big thing?? no
scenario two..Last year the state held up my drivers license, pending my getting cataract surgery and that I needed to address this and get it all fixed in 3 months or my license would be suspended...I went to ophthalmologist up the street from me, maybe 3 miles drive and they were great..they examined me and were wonderful...surgery #1 (they space them 2 weeks apart) was set for May 10th, Tuesday...I was to be at clinic at 8:30 am SHARP...Daughter wants to take me and so I say "ok--fine" but I didn't trust her so I tell my best male friend across the street that I dont' trust her to show up, and could HE stand by "in case" he says "sure--I get up at 4:30 am and do my work outs so no worries...text or call me and I will pick you up and I will make NO other plans" so its set....I tell AD the night before, that she has to be at the house at 7:45 to 8am so I can check in....she says "ok--I'll be there"
at MIDNITE she texts me "i'm gonna be busy, I can't take you" and thats it..I do not respond...at 8am that morning, I go across the street and my bestie takes me....later...WAY later , she textes me and says "well I couldn't take you....I got busy" thats it...No other words...I tell her my friend took me and that I didn't want to talk to her......
surgery #2...AD wants to take me and i say to her "forget it, I don't trust you, got my boss lined up to take me so you don't have to bother" she says "well I'll meet you at the clinic" I says "whatever" I knew she was lying again....Boss picks me up...AD never shows up to meet us and I had zero expectations anyway..chatted with my boss and then I was taken into surgery.........later when I am at home and my boss has gone to work, bestie across the street is home from HIS Dr. appt. and he is gonna fix me something to eat because this eye was "harder" and I'm not feeling well....7pm or so, AD calls me to ask me if i want something to eat....I tell her I don't want anything from her....
After all this, I am distancing myself big time..in 2017, the only time I would show up would be to see the kids and I know I have to "wean off" from them because I don't expect to live in this area for much longer...Been wanting to get out of this city for a while....anyway, I bring the kids some tennis rackets to play tennis with and I brought my BFF to the house as she was vacationing at my home and we took the tennis rackets for the kids and visited a little while and left....We get home and she says to me "gee, you didn't want to stay very long, huh??? guess its over with, like i get the impression you are done with her once and for all" I reply that that is true...I don't love her..don't hate her...I am just DONE!!! I dont' want to see her again
fast forward from April, my BFF visit to July when my dying sister finally is out of her suffering...I am in deep grief...I call AD to tell her my sister has died and I am in mourning just thought I would let ya know.. (this, I think was 2 days after Janie died) AD tells me she wants to "be there for me" and I told her that I didn't want to see anyone but my Bestie Across the street and speak to my loved ones in CA, NV and MD and MA and that my cousin is coming from MA and I wanted to spend time with her.....so I tell AD that I only want my close family and to let me alone....she does until Sept. when she begins texting me , sending me PM's on facebook (she is not on my friends list but was so still connected on the PM part of FB) I just ignored her...Didn't want to communicate with her....then the other day she sends me hearts and flowers on a PM on FB and again, I just don't want to talk...Its over for me........today, she calls and I answer the phone w/out looking at who's calling me...Its her...and she wants to know how I am doing..I say I am OK as can be , under the circumstances and she wants to know what I am doing in the next hour or so and I say I am going to clean house and do some chores..She mentions that her clothes washer is broken and she has to do wash...I tell her the address of a great laundromat that is up the street from me......I guess it was meant to be, my taking her call and that it was Just as well because I guess for sake of closure for me, I had to "face her" and I just very kindly told her that she had hurt me for the last time, last year and the "period at the end of the sentence" for me, aka confirmation that I was "done" was when i didn't even want to share my grief over my sister with her....To me?? she was an outsider...That confirmed it for me...I kindly told her without yelling, without insults, without rancor, I told her I was finished and just did not hate her..did not love her....I said i wold pray for her, but I was Done---Finished...For the sake of my self respect, it was about TIME that I cut this malicious little lady out of my life.....I told her that she would now answer to her HP and Karma for what she has done to me, that I had no desire to hurt her, just to be rid of her and that I would pray that she take SOMETHING positive in the way of a lesson out of this and that that was between her and her God because I had done my job with her..Did it the best I could..I , after working MY inventory, thought I was a good mom and DEFINITELY did not deserve to be periodically slapped down by her as long as it lasted....I told her I was beginning to feel ashamed of myself to let her back into my life , only to be crapped on again and that nothing changes if nothing changes and the only thing I can change is ME and that is to eliminate the abusers in my life and change ME!!!!
with that, I wished her well...Said I would pray for her and I told her DO NOT make any financial decisions/purchases thinking there is an inheritance from me because I revised my will, got it witnessed and notarized and sent out to my two heirs and that she was not provided for...I mention in the will that I deliberately leave my adopted daugher: CV out of my will...I told her this so do not make any big purchases thinking there is an inheritance because there is none and I didn't want her to do something and get in over her head, and I pass away (I'm 71 now) and she finds out she gets nothing, so I did give her a heads up she was NOT provided for in anyway.....After I mentioned that, she says something like she "misses me" and I tell her that she will , for sure, get over it, I am sure and to take care and I will mention her to Creator but that is all I am obligated to do for her....I told her that I just wanted to be left alone as I am planning on SOMEDAY moving out into a more rural atmosphere but in the meantime, I am going to do my sports, and find joy in my life......
sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share this....I was beginning to feel shame about me, letting this go on as long as I did...She was the only family I had here and the thought of being alone, I guess was more awful then being abused by her..Finally , I just ASKED myself "do you love yourself AT ALL????" and I said I do and that if I don't take care of me and stand up for me then I am not a victim, I am a volunteer....It sucks being lonely, but i would rather be alone then be abused and mistreated....Her deeds were borderline evil!!! My boss DID say she was "evil" to text me last minute saying she is busy and can't take me.....I was a good mom...I was a blessing to her...her husband loves me because he knows how good to her I was...he also didn't appreciate the way she treated me..I feel so ashamed for letting this go on , ruined holidays, last minute disappointments...the list is as long as my arm, her crappy things she would do to me.....why did I take it for so long??? Hope and not wanting to be alone but I WAS alone anyway, just in a different way...in a worse way....and I think the BIG thing that kept me on the "hook" was those little kids....had it not been for them, I would have been gone along time ago, but what I allowed to happen against me was so wrong!! I did me wrong, letting this go on as long as it did...My amend to me is to take the lesson, and TRY to trust that my inner HP has love for me but i gotta love me first and respect me first.....I am a work in progress.....
OH!!! and not ONE time did she apologize for the long term grief she heaped on me...Just a sorta vague "I know" and that was it...I actually feel more pity for her than anything else..Not that I am anything to write home about but I WAS a good mom..I know that in my heart of hearts...OH and progress!!! I was NOT expecting any apology or "taking of responsibility" I kept the focus on me and how I felt about me letting this go on and what I was going to do to take care of me....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 8th of October 2017 09:52:57 PM
Her dad is alcoholic...she treats him great...me like S*** but no more....my prayer is that she gets into Al-anon...I suggested it , got her some literature, its up to her to help herself....I'm outta there....
Dear ((((((Betty)))))) I can hear my dying sister's words when she called me in April, after my BFF left for Vegas and she was telling me that this girl was in a "bad place and didn't want to get better" and that I was doing so well in recovery and that "negative energy will suck the energy right out of me" and she was right...My BFF felt the same way..That this girl had zero respect for me......and you know?? I was beginning to feel ashamed of me, allowing this dark energy to stay in my life, to hurt me and all......Thank you for your warm words here..I know this isn't alanon, per se, but the impact of alcoholism (her dad) has affected her life and she doesn't want to , at this time, get into a better place, so I am , for me, moving on...I want to be around positive and loving and healing folks....I have my girl and another, adopted girl, and i love them both the same...They are positive and blessings in my life....Good girls who WANT to do and be better....Ijust wish they lived closer to me, but somehow I am gonna see them...I just got to keep doing the next right thing by me so I can share that with safe others and I underline the word "SAFE".........It hurts to have to let go, but let go is what I have done....its called "self preservation"........
I'm sorry for the pain and sorrow you're feeling concerning your adoptive dau's behavior. This is just my experience Rose but I know when I experienced the death of a family member who'd I'd been very very close to, my expectations of remaining family really got ramped up. In reality, they were being who they had always been and who they continue to be today. Somehow... I just couldn't wrap my mind around how they couldn't have had experienced this spiritual awakening of sorts that I had.. that we should be even closer, cherish one another, be there for each other even more due to this monumental loss of our mutual loved one. The grief process was a lonely one without being able to fully share it with those who knew her best. To also know my family was now smaller and that those who couldn't or wouldn't show up still weren't going to. It was almost like double grieving for me. The god of our understanding, our higher power is there. We really aren't alone. And I found Rose there are so many people out there especially in our Alanon program who have these physically absent or emotionally absent family members particularly. I am developing closer friendships and support within our "family of choice," and haved turned immediate family members over to my higher power (((Rose)))) Prayers coming your way as grieve and put boundaries in place with family members.
In support, TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
hey (((((TT))))) yea, had she not been abusing me for YEARS, I would say that yea, maybe my expectations of any love were maybe too high??? but I DID NOT expect anything from her but further hurt, hence my telling her when Janie died, that I wanted my close family and friends only around me and I didn't want to interact with her until I felt better.......THEN I thought!!! "What the hell am I DOING to me, allowing this???? Do I hate me THAT bad to allow this malicious young lady to emotionally slap me down all the time?????" and I really THOUGHT and PRAYED about it....called my BFF who is also my mentor (she is 30 years sober and a 12 stepper) and she told me that she had to just sit back and she told me when I was sick and tired of the crap , I would be sick and tired of the crap and do something..She said she had faith I might be slow, at times, but I eventually wake up and take proper action--do the next right thing by me.....AND she said nothing changes if nothing changes and I can only change me...and WHAT do I need to do to take care of me/????
re: the adopted daughter, I had talked to her..Told her how her behavior was impacting me and that she would "go to the well" once to many times and I would end up walking away..I TOLD her that....all i ever got was a blank look and a lame "yea, I know" ..No sorrow...No remorse...Zero... I gave her Al-anon literature....I had some extra copies of some Al-anon literature....When I saw her in April to drop off the kids tennis rackets, I saw that beautiful, sacred literature tossed in a box, with an inch of dust on them...My first instinct was to take them back..I thought about that and I left them there, anyway, MAYBE some day she will read them.....but yea, during this time of mourning, I have looked at my priorities...where am I doing good re: program??? where am I messing up???? what do I need to embrace and practice??? what needs to go out of my life????? starting with my house, I got rid of carloads and carloads of stuff I don't wear or use or need anymore.....gave some to charities, gave some to friends, gave some to Goodwill, gave some to animal rights groups.....GONE...CLEAN house...I can FIND stuff now....Everything is organized and stuff I want to take with me if/when I move...........THEN, it came time to "organize" my close circle.....What people are a blessing to me???? what people are a hindrance to me????? What lessons are the negative ones carrying that I need to stop and accept/think about??? I made a list...wrote journals...( my sponsor/BFF told me to do this) to make a list....what my priorities are....Where am I at now??? where do I want to be next year or in 5 years???? what people are in my life??? which give me mostly joy??? which give me mostly stress/pain???? Which are really to be considered in my inner circle..Which do I want to SORT of keep but at an outer circle??? WHAT is the "coda payoff" of keeping the stressors and spiritual vampires???.....it was a step 4 sort of but what an eye opener......all the people who know/knew her warning me that she is not a good person...
Even when I was messed up and pre-recovery, I did not EVER want to willfully hurt someone and IF I did out of being so screwed up, I took responsibility and made amends...I always did that in life....yea, i had no clue about this program, but I was a decent/kind person by nature and I never , ever would do cruel things to another, especially if they were kind to me, and THEN not feel any sorrow or remorse for it....she has no remorse for her offenses against me...She totally does not give a S*** how bad she has hurt me and I have NOONE to blame but me for letting it continue......So I had to FACE that and write it down....ALL of it...and WHY I allowed her to stay in my life......I told my BFF, it was a "I didn't want to be alone" CoDa need..even if it was not good for me... but I WAS alone, only in a worse type of way.....what is worse??? being truly alone with no humans around or having someone around who abuses and plays head games and plays with my emotions??? isn't that a worse kind of being alone???? I tried to figure out what I could LIKE about her and the only redeeming quality was she liked to laugh..AND shes affectionate...but I wonder how genuine that is........thats IT!!! well??? I can go to Walmart and help an older person with their groceries and LAUGH with THEM.....and I've done it since doing this list and journal....I am an introvert, so its hard for me, but when I go out, say to the store or to play basketball at the gym or if i see anyone at the courts where I practice, I SMILE and if they chat me up, I reciprocate.....it may not be more than small talk, but its pleasant and I can go "easy does it" and if a friendship should come about, doing this?? then I am that much ahead.....I am visiting my neighbors more since the poor girl up the street got robbed last week....I am reaching out in my neighborhood....walking my puppy and chatting up the neighbors.... Its a start!!! Ben Franklin, I hear failed a FEW times, but he kept at it and finally that light bulb shined light....I cleaned out my house, garage and even my car!!! NOW its cleaning out and/or rearranging my "inner house"..........thanks ((((TT)))) for your sweet reply...I always love hearing from you.......
