(((Westman))) - I am so sorry for all that the disease is doing. I can so relate to all that you wrote. What I see is someone who's trying to be the best version of self possible, just for today. Keep using that pause and all the tools you can to keep yourself focused on self-care, self-protection and your kids.

This disease has brought many 'never thought I'd.....' to my life too. Yet through each crisis, I made it to the other side with support (sponsor), meetings and the program. The last time my son was in jail, he called 34 times in less than 2 hours....it was causing me so much anxiety, and when I called my sponsor, she suggested I turn off my phone. I had thought of that, yet considered it mean. She reminded me lovingly that taking care of self is not about hurting others, it's about self-preservation.

My thoughts and prayers continue for you all. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Just trust the process, the program and a HP and know that this too shall pass.

Alcoholism isn't a very kind disease. I wish, I had found the courage to seek Alanon sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache because I felt sorry for my ex-abf instead of feeling sorry for myself. I could not separate the person from the advanced alcoholism. It is hard to not be compassionate. However, it sometimes comes down to deciding between them or you. The alcoholic's illness will be overpowering and in my case I became just as sick as the alcoholic did. It might get worse before it gets better but you have a great support system. Hug your kids a little tighter and just keep being their dad. You have a lot to be proud of.

Sheesh I was so tired when I wrote that last night. Glad I somewhat made sense. My wife is in anguish. I won't let her back to the house, she wrecked the other car so is now without independent transportation. Her temporary living arrangement with one of her few good friends has run out. I hear her voice and it's something I don't think I've ever heard before especially not from her. Utter despair. 

I do not use that word lightly. I've felt that way before and I don't think I would wish it on anyone. It is the complete lack of hope that things will get better. Is this what hitting bottom looks like? She wasn't replying to messages from Thursday and Friday about seeing the kids today. When I got in touch last night she sounded really weird on top of the despair. She can't see the kids today. I'm so glad I didn't tell them because I'm crushed. I can only imagine what their disappointment would be like. During our conversation while she talked about how I'm blowing this all up and she didn't do anything wrong I wanted to scream at her so badly. 

"Then prove it! It's straightforward right there on the judge's orders. Fight for them! Nobody is going to keep your kids away from you. Just show up." but, I'm not her lawyer nor therapist. I feel like it might have been a nice gesture to give her some encouragement or reassurance somehow but I didn't. And I feel bad for not helping her. 

-- Edited by WestMan on Saturday 14th of October 2017 09:36:47 AM

It seems to me your wife is finally getting some much needed consequences from her drinking. Its such a strange thing in the beginning to stop enabling, it seems to go against everything. In a world or family without alcoholism helping is a natural response when a family member is in difficulty and yet when its alcoholism then helping is actually hurting.

You are doing so so well and its hard to believe you may actually be doing the kindest most loving thing anyone has ever done for her before. Your giving her the dignity to really feel the consequences and it seems to me that only this point brings the bottom and then a possibility of recovery. Your wife naturally is clinging to the status quo, no doubt promising the world and she will mean it, each and every promise, she may pull on the heart strings of those around her, but with my son its good to see it as the disease talking and fighting rather than the person underneath.

Its this that drives change, the pain of this. Maybe not in the beginning because it might take her a while to realise you actually mean it, she may even take the opportunity to 'enjoy' herself especially if she thinks you are teaching her a wee lesson and in a short time all will be back to normal.

Whats important for you and your kids is you taking care of yourself. Read the leaflet on detachment, during crisises I clung to that, it was my lifeline and it gives us clear cut guidance.

In Alanon we learn:

Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people

Not to allow ourselves to be abused or used by others in the interest of anothers recovery

Not to do for others what they can do for themselves

You are doing so well, remember she has her own higher power and she is where she is supposed to be right now, resist the urge to save her, unfortunately your the last person who can. That's what AA is for.x

(((Westman))) - breathe, breathe and breathe some more. I can share that my experience is that despair and desperation can be motivators for hitting a bottom. In AA, I've heard many, many times that people are grateful for the gift of desperation. From my experience with my sons, each time I 'helped', it did seem to prolong their arrival.

I also remember feeling 'selfish and self-centered' when I began to detach and set boundaries. Yet, doing the right thing for the right reasons with what is known is not wrong - even if it feels 'different'. There were times where I would stop taking their calls if the intent was related to boundary bending. I lovingly suggested that and they found out I meant it when they tested it. From bail bonds, to living conditions, etc. If she intends to comply with what's being asked, she will find her way. All she has to do is seek help in AA recovery, and most there will be able to point her towards sober living places. They will give her rides to meetings and possibly more.

It took me a long while to detach enough to accept that I was not responsible for any other adult in any way/shape/form. When I am able, I will help but not enable. It may not feel like it, but I believe you detaching is great service to her.

Continued thoughts and prayers your way! (((Hugs)))

Based on the trend of this post I think I'll just update with "more crazy stuff happened and I'm trying to not fall apart" every twelve hours or so. Save us all some time. 

Westman - my experience in these chaotic periods is if I want/need change to happen, it really must begin with me. So long as I stay true to self and boundaries, it does dwindle down as they either face the consequences or find another to manipulate. Honestly, it's gone different ways each time.

We're here for you however we can be. Lean into your sponsor too!! (((Hugs)))

(Westman)) Sounds as if good communication  has developed. Prayers continue

I am soooo late to this thread .. Westman I am truly so sorry for you and your wife.

I completely understand where you are at and the doubts and so on. Especially in regards to the kids and their safety. I cared for my XAH however when push came to shove and it was him or my sanity and the kids well being .. he had to go. I am NOT sorry I handled things the way I did in terms of custody because as he has gotten worse it has made my life soooo much easier. He's still not ok and I question how heavily he's drinking and/or drugging at this point. OR if he's just straight up mentally brain damaged or mentally ill.

It was difficult for me and I made the very hard decision that I now don't regret as hard as it has been on the kids I really have the confidence had he continued in their lives it would have made things sooo much harder for them all. I don't think he fully can wrap his mind around his past behavior the kids serve as a reminder to that and the guilt, shame and so on he is apparently struggling with our daughter at the moment. He just doesn't remember stuff and he remembers what he wants to.

The safety of the kids deemed him unfit for anything outside of visitation and the mediator informed the courts that he was lucky I didn't require supervised visitations. As it turns out he did what many active A's do .. they are obsessed with the drinking and stop seeing the kids.

I am truly so sorry .. I know it's hard and confusing .. alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It will say and do anything to keep surviving.

Hugs S :)

Just spoke with the insurance company. The car is considered to be a total loss. My wife had wanted me to handle the insurance as she's in the psych unit. The adjuster tells me there's also a claim from someone that she rear-ended them the day before she slid off the road and hit a pole. I didn't know about this. Not sure if she withheld that info from me or maybe was blacked out. Who knows. What is for sure is I'm getting a lot of material for a future book.

I have been around that constant crisis making and complete abdication of responsibility.  It is pretty draining. 

Detaching from that has been very very difficult but so rewarding. 

The constant unremitting chaos is numbing.

Maresie.  

I hope you are getting rest and eating. Self care is so important right now. This has to be incredibly overwhelming and difficult. There is nothing like dealing with a drunk story waiting for the rest of it to be revealed. This is a it is what it is situation .. change what you can and accept what you can't and just keep moving forward. What a mess!!!! Hugs s :)

We met the social worker today. I said no to her coming home. Wasn't fun but I wouldn't say it was hard. At least not in the moment. I was struggling more with it beforehand because I was worried that the meeting might be a setup to lean on me to have her come home. I really struggle with it sometimes because i see both her and our kids struggling with it. But my sponsor said something to me early on in this. 

Evidence. Often times we don't have evidence. Just half-truths,guesses and other BS  that we can try to cobble into a few facts. But I am dealing with stone-cold in your face evidence. When I start to waffle or lose my resolve I just go back to that and I'm on steady ground again. 

-- Edited by bettyk on Thursday 19th of October 2017 08:03:38 AM

(((Westman))) - you have a wise sponsor. Evidence is so helpful for me too. When there is chaos/drama, and it's engulfing someone I love, my emotions really, really want to take charge of the decision making process. I too have been asked to consider Evidence over Emotions. Of course, my disease still wants me/the situation to be unique, so if I am not using this program, the 'Yeah, buts....' come forward with my emotions.

Breathe, breathe, breathe again. You are doing a good job. I'm glad that the center supported your needs as far as listening for the discharge plan. Know that I am continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers for all of you. Take good care of you!!

My AW left the psych unit yesterday and is now in a residential rehab facility about 1.5 hours away. I gave her permission to stop by the house yesterday and gather some things. She left me a letter asking me to strongly reconsider our divorce. She said things there that I've only dreamed of 4r years. Acknowledged many of the problems I've experienced and apologized for much of her part which she never apologizes. 

 

It feels good and is tempting to take at face value. I would have loved to made this reconciliation long ago but I finally reached my breaking point with this whole mess I guess. I'm not angry, well sometimes I am, i just want to be cared about rather than constantly tested and derided when I don't live up to some unknown standard. I want financial security and I can't have that with her. I want our kidd to be safe and she's just not capable of that right now. 

 

I also think she wants to get through rehab quickly and get back to her life with the kids which makes me think this strong urge may be why she's actually saying all this stuff. I'm finding that I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about all of this and that it's difficult to know what is the right thing to do. 

Westman - I too am glad to see you and see your update. Also glad to hear that she found an interim place. There are no easy answers and my best course of action when I am waffling is to take it to my sponsor. I really try to share as much as possible and she will remind me of where I was before when my heart is interfering with my program.

What I see/hear is that, just for today, you get to do you. Whatever that looks like, decisions - yes/no, meeting - yes/no, kid-time - yes/yes (this always raised my spirits), etc. Our program has taught me that when I think I need to rush my processing/decision-making, I might need to step back just a bit and make sure I'm in a good spiritual place first.

I know that so many times in my journey, when I paused, I realized how exhausted I was and tried to talk it out with a trusted friend or sponsor and sleep well. I see tons of program in this thread and your posts and that's all we strive for - improvement. You got this and I too am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!

It.sounds like your wife has more than a personality disorder going. The psychiatrist would be able to give you that diagnosis. 

 

Getting detoxed generally takes a while.  Your wife may be better off going to a program where she can be in a therapeutic community.   The psychiatrist who is treating her would be able to assess what she needs. 

 

I wpuld not pay much heed to what someone 8s saying when they feel shut out.  I no longer am affected by things people say about me.    I know ceetain people do say.things.  i just let it go. 

 

There are pther people who have been through where younare. 

I hope you take some respite to rest up and take a reprieve 

For me when I am exhausted I let myself have that space.  I cut back on my chores.  Rest is so essential. 

 

When I have been around someone who has acted out like your wife has I have to put boundaries on how long I am agitated. 

I have to set limits on taking phone calls and permitting 24 hour access. 

I found myself completely wrung out all the time. 

Raging at someone when they are in that place is pretty normal.  At the same time, what is so frustrating is that they arw absolutle unable to hear it. 

 

I dont doubt the now ex A will ever be able to hear the kind of hell he put me through.  For him it is all minimized. 

 

After we broke up, his brother committed suicide. That issue was completely swept under the table by his family .

They would not acknowledge his absence on any level. 

I am so grateful I did.not have to be around that. 

 

I hope your wife gets the help she needs.   Remember eveeything does not have to be #done# today.  Getting rest when you are absolutely exhausted is essential.  In al.anon we have a saying First things First.  

First it has to be taking care of you.  

Maresie 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to repeat what my sponsor told me .. 2 weeks of good behavior doesn't erase years of unacceptable behavior it's now on her to continue being consistent and it's on you to work your program and figure out what is best for you. If it's right for you it's right for everyone else around you. It has the same trickle down effect.

Hugs S :)

PS - It's good to hear she's trying to figure things out. However what are YOU doing to take care of you.

Thanks for the update Westman - you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. My best thoughts are to just stay present. Each time your mind wonders, use all the tools you got to come back to the here and now. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings, let alone tonight so no point in going there.

It took me a while to realize I was a separate individual with my own higher power who could stand alone or united. Knowing that I have a choice always is a gift of working this program. Stay, go, divorce, reconcile, etc. - none of that matters today and that too is a gift of the program. When I have been able to completely surrender and let go and let God, each time, the answers come. Not always when I think I need them but they do arrive.

Allowing myself and others to be imperfect has given me more grace than I ever had before. I've always had high expectations of self and transferred those to others as well. It was not a fair way to view the world for me or they. Letting go is much easier as I am often surprised at the outcomes and they are better than expected frequently.

For the record, when I was still discovering self and I wasn't sure what to do or make of apologies, I was told that this is where I could practice compassion. While I was still very hurt and very angry and uncertain what was coming next, I did learn that there is no shame in thanking someone for apologizing. I've said that many times, just a simple, "Thank you for apologizing." Nothing more and nothing less. I can also congratulate someone who is having personal success as another human being and wish them continued success. In other words, practicing compassion for me when I was new had everything to do with 'acting as if' they were another imperfect human, and not 'my ..................(insert title here)'.

You're doing marvelous Westman. Keep doing you and allow the rest to unfold and be revealed! Know there is no shame in any feelings you have! Feelings are real yet they aren't facts....they just are.