Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

gratefulforafuture · Veteran Member

AH getting out of rehab tomorrow - in need of ESH

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Grateful, I understand the guilt about being happier living away from him, and the anxiety about him returning home. I felt the same when I put my late AH in a care home because I could no longer take care of him myself.

What helped me was to (1) surround myself with supportive people -- Al-Anon and family/friends who understood the situation, (2) realize that I deserved to focus on my own recovery -- I'd been wounded and needed to heal, and (3) dive into the Al-Anon program as if my life depended on it.

I had a therapist, and was diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" -- yeah, I was having difficulty adjusting to a horrible situation. The therapist was very helpful at the time. It was nice to have a name for my sickness.

I learned that there were other people who could "be there" for my husband ... his friends and family, and our children, so I didn't have to feel totally responsible for his happiness at this difficult time. The caregivers in the home were very kind. I only had to do the essentials that I was the only person who could handle, such as dealing with the doctors and the care home. Everything else was up to other people and his Higher Power.

Please know you are not alone, and come here whenever you need to reach out.

Maresie25 · Senior Member

Not everyone relapses right out of the door on return from a program.

They are certainly given tools and ideas of what to do next.

I certainly know what it is to feel responsible for others. I have to work hard to hold boundaries and keep the focus on myself.

I know you can do this. You do not need to have to worry about what an other person is doing all the time.

Detaching under pressure is very hard. So that is why it is a good idea to get a lot of practice in for the hard times.

Detach when someone is late, detach when you have to wait a long time in the aisle at the grocery store. Build up that muscle.

Of course many of us detach in anger when we are confronted with someone who is so self destructive. However you detach, the good thing is to get out of feeling

responsible for someone else's life. There is no 'perfect" way to detach.

There is no contest either. No one is holding up cards on how you are managing this difficult situation. No one is perfect.

Maresie.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Grateful))) - I totally hear you and understand. I love what's suggested - stick with supportive people and rely on your program/recovery tools....for me, this included my sponsor. I often found myself projecting also and needed to be reminded to stay in today, this very moment.

I needed constant reminders from others who were working recovery that his recovery/relapse/happiness/joy was not my responsibility. I had been the controlling caretaker of 'all things' for so long, it was an adjustment. Sticking with the winners really helped me + extra meetings. Each time I wanted to make contact to 'check up', I practiced, when in doubt, DON'T.

Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers for peace!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene