Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Maresie · Senior Member

RE: Looking for advice

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Pastors are people and so very many of them don't know a lot about the disease of alcoholism and or addiction and become poor to bad choices for counseling. My earliest pastor faced with my condition of being married to a raging addict just honestly said "I don't know" when I asked him for feedback and that was the answer at that time I needed and followed thru with my choice at that time and honestly 40 years later the addiction still comes around and pokes it's head into my life unsuspectingly and wants to see if I am doing better. I am doing better as long a I don't react and continue to work this program as suggested. Our disease isn't curable and I can only kinda sorta control my side of it even remembering that I didn't cause it. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) smile

Maresie · Senior Member

The holidays stuff used to kill me.

I really had this.unreal hope that then now ex A would come through. That was for me an unreal.expectation

I used to be really hooked.on it.

Now my expectations of.any.alcoholic are more realistic.

The relationships are not as #charged#.

The charge was really consuming for me

My expectations around my.birthday and the holidays are more realistic. I had to suffer tremendously before I was willing to give up those expectations. It seemed a huge failure for me.

I would also get really angry about that I was the one.doingnall the work. One year I cooked a fantastic.thanksgiving dinner.

The now ex A crashed in the middle of it.

The ex A's only sole desire was to binge on the holidays.

I went through hell before I could accept it.

Then I was still angry!!!

We all deserve to have our birthdays and holidays be special.

Mine are not particularly special but they are no longer supercharged with craving and grieving

I would rather have that because it knocked me out being so constantly dreadfully disappointed

Maresie

Mummie21 · Veteran Member

I was just thinking today about the expression if you only could walk a mile in my shoes. Which i feel is never going to solve anything because we all walk different paths and experience different things along these paths and no two people can experience the same thing and come out feeling the exact same way. There will always be different prospectives ftom each person. And i feel that is my way of saying others will not understand what i do or how i do it or even why because they will never feel what i feel they will never share the experience or journey like i have , do , or will..

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mummie - great processing and so, so, so true. The program helped me to process that exact thinking to others as well. I also don't know what others are thinking, feeling, have experienced, etc. and thus have no business suggesting or even thinking what they should do. For me, before recovery, I really had a distorted view of what 'relationships' should be/have. This applies to most of them, not just intimate.

The program helps me to pause and consider that I am an imperfect equal doing my best and perhaps - so are they! Which is why I love that this program suggests we only share ESH and allow all to be who they are and grow as they do when they do.

Keep working it! (((Hugs)))

Mummie21 · Veteran Member

Its not been an easy week. My emotions are running high. I am torn between being the understanding loving caring wife and the chick who just wants to be left alone. I dont know what to say to him anymore and yet i am nice probably a little too nice to him. I pray for guideance. I got 8 and half more months and i am just lost. I still think irs a good idea to have him live somewhere else and show me hes functional in society and gets his job back or another one. Its hard being in the position i have been put in. I wish there was an obstruction manual to help me through it. As for now i prat and do my best..

Mummie21 · Veteran Member

Well have not been on here for a while.......it has not been easy. I am scared of my own emotions because i want to do what is right but i dont exactly know what that is right now. My struggles are real but i am making it. I feel angry because part of me is like.....hes got all he needs food needs meet doesnt have to worry about the bills or where the next meal will come from and i feel resentment because he put me here. I have given him everything stsyed by his dide as he put me through hell and i dont want any of thst any more. I don't see myself going back to what was but i dont see myself any different. I dont understand and i am just torn.

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, ((((Mummie))))... I will pass on the suggestion I received here when going through inner struggles, as it helped me, which was Be gentle with yourself... It also comes to my mind that you probably don't have to decide right away, if you are not ready to. Answers/solutions come in their own right time, I'm beginning to see. Around a year ago, and even later, I remember going through thoughts, that even if/when I did leave my abf I considered myself too broken, neurotic, unable to open up to other people to ever have other relationships. I don't think so anymore, but I had to get through those feelings... Keep coming back

Mummie21 · Veteran Member

This weekend was the last time to visit now that hes out of the county for the remainder of his treatment. My son is not happy about it so of course i hurt for my child. I sat there all day long with his family and not once did he sit next to me.....not once did he ask about home life and when i tried to talk about things going on with our son he seemed uninterested. I dont get it. I want to write him and tell him how i feel but its probably mostly going to be
negitive about our relationship. How hurt i am how mixed up i am and how emotionally confused i am. I think about him coming home even though its 8 mos away and i feel anxiety i feel empty and scared not frightened but unknown scared if that makes sense.. I am doing my best to keep the home life going and have a life i dont have to worry about someone sneaking around to hide a drink or say they are going to the store for one thing but get another. Honestly it feels good i say this because he was a closet drinker. He didnt party he didnt go to other peoples houses or anything. He never had an answer for why he did it and all this is scary because i dont want to go through all this again. We really have not had a relationship for 1 year and a half. So when he gets out it will be almost 3 years we have become like strangers. I still hope he understands i am asking for a year seperation after the program so i know he is willing to stay on track out in the world. I hope and pray this works for him because i dont know what else to do or say. Thank you for listening.

Mummie21 · Veteran Member

Hello......tonight i am trying to figure out how exactly do i talk to him about his expectations for when he gets out....how do i tell him i filed for legal seperation......how do i confront him about how hes working his program. I feel like a lost soul who is getting no where and that hes expecting flowers and rainbows when hes done. I dont know whst to do. I dont know what to say or do and i know he cant guarantee me this will not happen again. I need a way to to find clearity. Any ideasm

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi... Praying is what I do when I don't know what to do. Praying and listening deep into myself for answers. They often don't come fast enough for me though! I am currently in two minds about a certain life decision, and I pray each day for clarity. I even gave my HP a suggested deadline, lol. I will understand when it is time.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Mummy))) - my best thought is to lean into the program he's in for counsel. All of the programs here offer support for the family too. They might be able to provide direction and/or some type of facilitation for communications. I too lean into my own program and prayer when I am uncertain when/what to do.

(((Hugs)))

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to spend a lot of my time and energy worrying about what the future might look like or bring. I have found that most of it did not come true and what did happen was different then what I expected it to be. While my qualifier was in treatment I used the time to first recover physically from all of the stress and chaos and then got to work on myself and what I needed to do. I have a habit of every time something goes wrong to imagine the worst case scenario. As I grow and anchor myself again, I realized that I really and truly am not at all responsible for what someone else does or does not do. If they are working their program or not, if they are sad, tired, lonely etc.........People have also had a lot of opinions about what is best. They do not necessarily know what is best for me even if their "advice" is well intentioned. What is best for me is between myself and my higher power. It may not always be what others want me to do and that ok.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene