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Post Info TOPIC: Looking for advice


Member

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Posts: 22
Date:
Looking for advice


Hello i am in a similar situation as any of you. My husband of 8 yrs and total of 16 years together is battling addiction to alcohol. He has suffered 4 sezuires in 8 years from trying to stop and had attempted AA but not seriously. He has been to a six month program stayed 4 and is now 2 months in a year program but it took threat of a divorce before he decided to go in. I am scared of 1 him not completing this 2 him thinking he can just come home after the program because i dont want to return to the same situation of him going back to drinking like he did after the 4mos from previous program. I feel different now from then and want to improve my life not hit rewind or replay. My feelings are not what they use to be. I am just looking for dome advice. Thank you



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~*Service Worker*~

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(((((Mummie))))) sorry we will share our Experience Strength and Hope with you and ought not give advise because we have learned what works and doesn't and we follow principles.  The suggestions I was given and followed was attend Al-Anon Face to Face groups, get and read the literature, get a home group, work the steps, find a sponsor and on and on until the program became a welcomed habit other than the habit I had of living with my alcoholic/addict wife.  That wasn't living in the manner I thought life was and it was insanity which I knew lots about.  I was born and raised in the disease and knew that more naturally than anything else.  

The program and the fellowship of the program saved my sanity, serenity and life and I got to celebrate another birthday today because of it.  You are not capable of curing your husband...this disease is not curable, nor can you control it or have caused it.  It has taken a power much greater than I in order to be able to live and survive in/with it so that I could find this keyboard and share with you.  Other in the MIP family will come and share with you also.  Listen with an open mind and continue to come back often and scroll back in time on this board to read the ESH of many other members.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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hey ((((Mummie)))) I would just work my program, get into the meets, work with a sponsor the steps and focus on ME..Only ME..Not him....I relate to the "not wanting to rewind" I think after 6 mos . to a year in Al-anon, you will figure out do you stay or leave..But I would not do anything serious till I had some recovery underneath me, unless, of course there is physical abuse then its a different story......Hang with us...work your program..we have online meets here and i've been to them and they are great....face to face is better, but if ya can't do that?? we have them 2x a day right here....and I agree with Jerry...you can't cure him, control him , etc., this is his lesson to work through or be defeated by it...its up to him...he is an addict...never to be cured, but CAN arrest it and keep it in remission only if he sticks like glue to the program.....I would also surf this board and read everyone, its great source for good suggestions on a healthier way to live....I would see if he sticks it out and is serious this time...if he repeats?? then hes not ready......so sorry your in this, but you can find relief by detaching from him and letting the chips fall where they may and take care of you..Al-anon is for US..its OUR salvation, its OUR self care program and it has saved my life..............IN SUPPORT

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Yes i hear what you are saying and truly appreciate you taking the time to reply. I am very hurt confused and torn right now emotinally i feel numb and i feel that my passion is gone for the relationship. I dont want to hurt him but i dont want to go through this anymore. Hes sll i have known and i feel that that alone has a hold on me along with having our son who has a wounderful bond with his father but with the alcohol theres not much being a responsible role model for our son just goofyness and child like shenanigans. I am also worried that

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~*Service Worker*~

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That is the disease at its most destructive nature.  Keep in mind that it has the capability for being fatal while causing deep insanity.  Sitting with and talking to the fellowship worked very well for me along with the other suggestions I was given about literature, meetings, sponsorship and more.  Al-Anon repeatedly instructed, "If you keep and open mind you will find help" and that is most true when learning about how this works.   I am in support along with the rest of the membership who will come with their ESH also.

((((hugs)))) smile



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Member

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I am interested in finding a face to face meeting is there a link to finding one??? I am barely coming to terms with talking out loud about it and being honest and open. I did break the news today that i want to live separate after the program. I tried to explain myself without hurting him or throwing anything in his face. Rvrn though i am cleaning up messes that i have been left with financially and carrying the load of being full time employee and single parent. Theres is so much i could say but i decided to just put myself and son first and focus on the future.

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~*Service Worker*~

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 Hey Mummie....I know what you mean..."hes all i have known"  I was BORN into this disease so I never knew any other, healthy way to live....the insanity of alcoholl abuse is what I knew..so yea, I married it 2x and perpetuated my misery, even tho AH#2 was a sweetie pie and good soul, he was a alcoholic...and I didn't want to watch him die and yea, he would cook and break dishes, and one time he left a pot on stove and i smelled it and caught that,  I just was "done with it" and now?? I don't allow it around me...I don't hang with folks who abuse alcohol...if i see someone drinking more than one beer, I am outta there....and yea, your son will mimic dad, maybe...I am so sorry you are in this situation, but Al-anon will show you how to take good care of you and your boy.....please keep coming back...you are sooo worth it...



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



Senior Member

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Posts: 430
Date:

Mummie, I'm glad you are interested in finding a face to face meeting. Here is the link to finding Al-Anon meetings in the U.S. :

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

If there is not a meeting in your town, just search for a nearby town until you find a meeting. You can also search by county.


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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2128
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You will find lots of support in Al Anon meetings - I remember my knees were knocking when I went to my first meeting but I found kindness and understanding there. You are right, many people have been through this experience and shared your pain, confusion and numbness and as I listened to their stories I found it easier to get a sense of my own experiences as well. No one will have expectations of how you should or shouldn't be, like all of us here they will will just be so pleased and relieved that you've found them.

Your post sounds clear and sound to me. We don't have to make every decision about life in one day!

Welcome to MIP - keep reading - sending ((((hugs)))).

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Member

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Rose......yes basically my situation. I am treated like a wueen. I am never told whst i can and cam not do. Hes never hurt me physicallly but this last year he did emtionally and spritually. We were just two people living in the same house separate sleeping places. Its been hard. Plus financially. Now i just pray this program helps him. I am torn but not afraid to do what i need to. Thank you

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~*Service Worker*~

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hey Mummie....emotional and spiritual mis treatment can be just as bad...the scars don't show, but they are there....My biggest scar was not the physical and other bodily abuse I suffered growing up and being married to (AH#1) the mental, emotional, spiritual abuse is my most difficult hurdle to get over......any kind of abuse, any kind of abandonment hurts...it is not healthy for the spirit......I do get what you are saying.....and I am so sorry......and yes, I wold pray for him, and work the beejeebers out of the program for me.......and I know how it feels to be torn...felt that way with AH#2 whom I loved and cared deeply for..he was good to me...but it still was an unhealthy situation for me to be in..........I feared separating from him...lots of fear, grief, etc., but it was for the best..................sending you support hugs

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



Member

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Thank you Rose because thats how i feel.

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Veteran Member

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Hi Mummie and welcome.

My own experience is that the 9 months I have so far spent in Al-Anon (weekly f2f meetings, reading literature and starting a sponsor) have allowed my self esteem to raise from what was very low and battered to a level where I can now make healthy decisions for me and our children.  This was done by me focusing purely on me (and the children of course) and for me personally physically spending time apart from my AH.  This has allowed me to be very honest but in a kind way - rather than the hurt, angry person I had become before.  I can't force myself to love someone I no longer love.  I used to think that when / if he was sober our marriage would be ok again - but the reality is that it goes far beyond the alcohol.  So I am compassionate, but honest.  I am no longer prepared to live the lie.  We have 4 children at home, so it is more complicated.  We are now at the point where we will do a period of co-parenting in the same house, with very strong boundaries in place.  It really is one day at a time.  In future, my feelings may or may not return.  In future, we may or may not stay together. For me the programme has allowed me to live in the moment and make the best choices with the resources I have.  Hugs.



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Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Thank you

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Member

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I drppoed off a letter to him ( better now than later) saying thr best bet for us after the program is to live separately for a year as well. So he can live productively and work on himself. As well as myself and my sons future. Its hard to feel like i am hurting him but not the way it sounds i am confident in ky decision. I pray theres a break through but i also know of his patterns and i am feeling that it might be the beginning of the end.



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Member

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Since i dropped the letter off asking for the time apart. There has not been any communication no phone call to his son. I know he is probably upset but its hurting my heart to see my son ask why his Dad has not called. This situation is very hard for my son to understand. Its killing me to see him wondering about his dad. This is hard.

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 43
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I am sorry that this is happening.  It is so hard to see our children hurt.  Hang in there and I am praying that things get better for you and your son.



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Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Thank you

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Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Hello everyone.....all this is very hard for me and to see my son disappointed is not easy. All these actions are making me lean towards the thought of a divorce. I feel this is emotional abuse. Its not far to my son hes just a kid. I can be ok with being hurt and let down but not my child. Maybe its Gods way of telling me to move on. Who knows. I guess time will tell.

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Senior Member

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Thank you everyone for your shares. I can relate to much of what has been said. These situations are extremely painful especially when kids are involved. I keep trying to remind myself that breakups are not uncommon and that kids will be ok. 



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Member

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Tonight i broke down on the phone due to all the struggles of being the only parent and my son missing his father especially because today was Dads birthday. So son wanted to take a card but Dad was not avalible. So he called him tonight then talked to me and just because i was trying to explain to him why i cant afford to sponsor him for a dinner and finances are tight he automatically said well you want me to vome home and go back yo work? I immediately said no you need to work on you......because i know i cant do this again. Its yoo much.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13256
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Mummie this is  how alcoholism works and it is working both of you at the same time.  Good for you stepping back from offers to control and leaving h I'm to his choices.  I read and am reminded how it worked in pieces twix my alcoholic/addict and myself.  I walked around all the time with a roll of dynamite in my pocket ready to blow up the world and our marriage at any time rather than to let go and let God first.  The letting go and letting God worked much better.  Keep on keeping on and staying with and in your program.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Member

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For me I still love my alcoholic husband but I donāt love the disease and Iām learning so much from reading about it and getting the help and support from this site and I to have a face to face meeting tommorrow. I have seperated from my AH he spends time at the home which I have set boundaries for me and my child which is this is our alcohol free zone and Iām learning to realise no matter what threats I make or how many times I punish him verbally it will not change the fact he is likely to relapse at some point until he chooses to get help his self Iām just going to detach my self from the disease and if he asks my advice which is what he has done today after relapsing yesterday is to get help from AA if you want to conversation over and get on with my life Iāve signed up to yoga which is helping and Iām finding ways to make myself happy if he chooses to get help I donāt know if we will ever get back together itās out of my control Iām taking one day at a time xx

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Jheywood


Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Thank you for your responses. I am doing one day at a time and staying strong trying to anyways. Its been 16 years in this relationship with the same old problems and now i have tbe knowledge and ability to say enough is enough. Its not easy and i am very torn with emotions about staying with him or just getting out . i am not looking to hurt him but i am not wanting to live life the way i have. I am very torn with any decisions. I appreciate the support.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 144
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Personally I think the rehab process can be very hard.  The expectations for the one who is left behind is way off.  You are left to handle everything and then you are expected to be wonderfully supportive at the same time.

That is a big load huh?

I know the phone calls from rehab were really hard for me.  The limits on communication are very very difficult to deal with. There is a set up in there somehow in that the only role you are allowed to have is a "supportive one".

Some programs have a transition phase and that seems to be helpful to a lot of people.

You have a tremendous amount on your plate.

I know today I cannot be all things to all people. Having boundaries means some people are not going to like you. That is anti everything we have in being superhuman in making everything right.

These days I do not have to make everything right. Indeed I know I go way too far to be flexible, helpful and kind.  When my boundaries are crossed, the lines go up  and I change some of those behaviors.

For me living with an alcoholic the boundaries go awol. They are bound to.

Even living around alcoholics hey do not to mention co workers.

Living life on life's terms is not an easy thing to do.  I had to let go of "perfect" outcomes.

The kinds of exhaustion I have put myself into making Thanksgiving "perfect" making Christmas perfect, buying for others is dizzying.  I had to resign all those roles.

Personally I think part of being a child is being disappointed in your parents in getting to know gradually they are human too.  That is part of emotional maturity. Some people certainly have a harder upbringing than others.  No one, no matter who they are "has a perfect childhood".  There are always going to be issues.

I work through issues all the time about my childhood and I was in therapy for decades.

One of the core issues for those of us in al anon is killing ourselves to make it "right" for others.  For me making it "right" for me is an almost impossible task how can I possibly think I could make it right for others.

I no longer have to put myself into states of complete and utter emotional exhaustion to make it right for anyone, even me.

Maresie. 



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Member

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Wow you said that so well i swear you have been following me my whole life, lol. I am now learning to do so. I am trying to live one day at a time and only please myself and my son. Hes not the only one i have pulling at my heart strings to do what they want me to do. I am finding myself wanting to file for seperation. I have anxiety when thinking if IF he comes back knowing i dont feel like i use to. I am finding myself wanting my time to find me again. Being eith him

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Member

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Being with him and only him i really feel i need to step back. Thank you Mareise. I truly can relate to everything you said. Heres to not pleaseing others and staying strong. I too had a difficult childhood so i know what you mean by children realizing parents arent perfect. Also it is hard to wear the supporters hat especially the second time around. I pulled back a lot from the first time. Now we only talk when he calls not much and only see him once a month which i only do for my son so he can see his father. I am not even doing it for me or him. Thank you again.

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~*Service Worker*~

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been there also Mummie with the kids being effected ouch .. so much pain .. when they hurt seems i hurt .. but i love what jerry shared up there .. the Reminder that alcoholism is a Family disease .. all feel the effects the hurt worry fear etc .. as we read or hear in meetings depending on whether online or off .. without such spiritual help living (loving) with alcoholism is too much for most of us 'alone ..

being an adult child of alcoholism as well . i also love what Maresei25 shared:

Personally I think part of being a child is being disappointed in your parents (or .. insert anyone really) .. in getting to know gradually they are human too. That is part of emotional maturity.
I think this is stirring the child in me as well .. still very much growing up here .. will forever be ..

wishing you much serenity .. it's suggested only for newcomers (those who haven't worked steps yet) to make no life changing decisions until we've worked them with a sponsor for guidance who understands the step process an how alanon works .. just food for thought .. hope you keep coming back and keep sharing .. there is an online meet here in both mornings and evenings .. may be worth giving it a try ..



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Senior Member

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I should qualify my remarks there that a child is in theory ideally supposed to be gradually disappointed by their parents.  Indeed parents are supposed to be able to attend to children's needs.

In theory at least being away from your children for extended periods of time is a form of abandonment that would not be a gradual disappointment. That would and could be catastrophic.

I should also say that my own experience with my parents was they did not meet my needs and I had to meet their needs.  There was a complete reversal.  The total reversal was in terms of my elder sister who was treated like their parent.  The culmination of all that was really catastrophic for me.  I would not mean to minimize that having a father away for an extended period of time is a big difficulty for a child.

Nevetheless given some stability and having a parent (the one who is left) being able to be stable a child could learn resilience from such situations.

There was no stability and no opportunity to reflect in my child hood. I would certainly imagine if a child has a parent who is able to be empathic and attuned to them about their father's absence that

would help them tremendously.

I know for me personally the total chaos caused by an alcoholic is too difficult to navigate.  I have certainly tired, been there and done that.

For me these days my limits are all about stability, improving my health, improving my environment.   They are not about making anyone else feel better, supporting anyone else or being the caregiver.

For me these days if someone does something to cross my boundaries, there is an immediate reaction and a reassessment of the relationship/

When I was with an alcoholic my boundaries were completely demolished.  Then they still expected me to help them and make them the center of existence.

I have a little more self protective instincts these days and those were largely built within the confines of al anon.  They were and still are tested daily by general daily life.  

They are not being demolished and squashed by anyone else.

Maresie. 



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Member

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Well said thank you

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Member

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Its not easy being in thus position. If i think about even a legal seperation i feel as though i will never get back what once was......if i stay then i feel i am just going to regret it and not have anywhere to turn. This is not a position i like being in. I feel no matter which way i go somebody will be unhappy. My mind is full of uncertainties. I dont know what to do.

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Senior Member

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Personally I would not want to get back to what I once 'was".

That is a naive, low self esteem, desperate, people pleasing, boundaryless person .

Of course I was a popular person since I did whatever it took to make any relationship work.

These days I am far more self reliant, less desperate, healthy (I just had a health check up and I wasn't sick as a dog)

I am more focused on what I need to do next.  I am not focused on what anyone else needs to do next (although of course I do think about it)

Passion for me in the past was to do anything, almost absolutely anything to make a relationship work.  I had such severe abandonment issues.

Now when a relationship goes awol I do not torture myself about it.

Relationships end all the time.  I was a volunteer at one place for over 5 years.  That recently ended. For once it was not all about me.  The ending had nothing to do with me.

I desperately clung to some notion that if I did not have a partner I was less than. In fact I am more than without a partner (especially when you are a people pleaser like I was).

There are other options.  When I came to Al anon I wanted the relationship to go back to what it was. What I didn't realise that was the way the now Ex A behaves at the beginning of the relationship.

He never had any intention of behaving like that for the long term.

I thought it was something to do with me the way he acted.  In fact it was everything to do with the pattern he has in relationships, very little to do with me.

My whole self worth was tied up in the way he treated me.  It was all about "him" which was of course what he wanted.

Believe me I have to focus really hard to make it all about me rather than all about them.  I do not feel selfish.  My health is important.  I have much more work to do on my health.

The other topic is of course, the alcoholic's addicts I know are not in it for the long term. They are not looking after their health.  They are not thinking long term.

So in effect, by their actions, they are not making a commitment.  A commitment is to be in it for the long haul.

The alcoholic's version of commitment is far far different than mine.

maresi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

I think about how hes never trested me bad physically or bad mouth me or anything close to it but in the last two years there were issues that just couldnt be over looked and i asked for a seperation nothing happened. I slept in seprate room for a year and a half. He would complain but not fix anything. He never wanted to talk until he heard from a family member which at the time was only putting words in my mouth due to not seeing us together, that i was going to leave him. Yet he didnt chose to stop. He let it get out of control and once i threatened for a divorce only then did he sttempt to quit drinking but it lead to a seizure. Which i expected. Most of me knows and feels i need this seperation yet a small verysmall part of me is hurting not because i want him back but becsuse this is my life and i feel like i am alone and going to

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Member

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Date:

Have to start over and i dont think i know how. I guess time will tell becsuse it hurts so much but i dont want what was i want to be happy and be able to enjoy life with out thinking someone is sneaking off to get a drink.

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Senior Member

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Date:

I used to focus a lot on that I didn't know what to do with the alcoholic.  In reality,with or without an A, it is pretty hard to know what to do.  Every day I am faced with decisions that are tough, how to fit it all in, budgets,

what to do for the holidays, how much to save, how much to spend, how to proceed with the goals.

I work through them but I have to say most days I am not absolutely certain how to do it, when to do it and what my limits are.

I used to think that would all be magically resolved if the alcoholic was not in the picture.

In fact having an alcoholic meant I did not have to think about all the things I needed to do in order to take care of myself. On some level that was a relief because it is a big task.

I can imagine that is only even more magnified if you have a child.

I know these days I seriously seriously limit the number of alcoholics/addicts I have in my life. I limit just how much I let them influence me,  I limit my contact. I limit my expectations.

Nevertheless in essence every day while I am not exactly writhing in pain, I struggle deeply with how to move forward, at what pace and what progress I should expect.

When I am around an alcoholic the struggle is all totally around them and their issues.  On some very basic level I relish having the pressure taken off "me" and onto them.

I would really like to focus on my alcoholic girlfriend and i certainly have in the past.  Letting her "be" has been very very difficult but it has been a relief to give up the responsibility.

When the "responsibility for me is solely on me. the process is entirely foreign.  Dealing with an alcoholic or an addict is very very familiar to me, not dealing with them is quite quite foreign.

Maresie. 



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Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Today is my bday.....it would have been nice to see a letter or hand made card in the mail but nothing...but its ok i expected it to be this way. I even went to do papers for legal separation. It was very scary kind of emotional but it felt ok afterwards and i feel like i have conformation about it. Its weird to feel this way but i guess it is what it is. I just hope he can get the understanding that its about fixing something and not destroying something. We will see. I guess i just have mixed emotions.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13256
Date:

 

Hauoli la hanau or Happy Birthday in Hawaiian.  Take some time to go and do something very good for yourself and maybe include a friend you can smile with.  My birthday was on the 19th and I don't know if it is possible to get any older than I am right now.   Doctor told me a day ago during a physical that I had another 25 years left in me.  That would be a miracle I believe.   Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7356
Date:

Happy Belated Birthday! My birthday was also on the 19th - I share the day with my brother from another mother above me. Mixed emotions are part and parcel with this disease. I hope you did something (big or small) special just for you. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Member

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Posts: 22
Date:

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I was actually sick for my birthday as well as the weekend. I got a little hurt because i didnt receive a phone call or letter but he called today. However..... I did meet with a person who can start my legal separation but now i am having mixed emotions due to talking with my pastor at church today. He knows AH and myself for five years now so he asked about him and i basically said hes seems to be doing good but we dont talk much and i have asked him to live else where for a year when he comes out. I felt like i was being condemned because he told me if that was a wise decision and what about him having a stable environment when he comes out. I basically started crying my eyes out and said well i did this once before and i dont want to have a repeat of anything and basically he got up and left me sitting there. Its hard enough i am torn and have difficult decisions to make i have to feel guilt from others.  lt only makes matters worse. Too much to take in or to handle at one time. Top it off he will be sent out of county to finish his program and will visiting him even less. I hear doubts in his voice becsusr he says he misses the sound of my voice and us at home. I fid not budge i stsyed silent. I pray and hope he does not try to back out. I still need these nine more months to get things straight.



-- Edited by Mummie21 on Sunday 22nd of October 2017 09:13:46 PM

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