The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I got a sponsor a few weeks ago. Started working on the first step. I understand it takes time but I find myself annoyed at how vague a lot of this stuff is. I hear and see comments here and in meetings to the effect of "you'll know when you know." or "trust your HP". SHEESH come on. I know there is a reason some of this has to be non specific because people have to find truths that help them in their own lives and situations all of which vary. And also not telling people what to do with their lives. I get that I guess. Just sometimes I don't connect with this stuff at all.
Or, it runs counter to what I think is right. There seems to be a lack of balance sometimes between what Al-Anon, or maybe just some members, are advocating for. Like "let go and let God." We all have things from these relationships that we have to let go of. Al-Anon has helped me greatly with this. But there are some things you have to do as a responsible adult that supercedes letting go.
The thought that's popped up repeatedly this week is that we are all doing the best we can no matter where we are in the program. The person on their first meeting may have a better understanding of some aspect of the program over a 20 year veteran. That the steps, slogans and traditions may be there to guide us but it's impossible to follow them exactly and it seems there must be a trick to balancing those with your own life and what it actually requires.
Westman - I don't know if this helps or not but I really had to pause my brain and 'see' the small miracles. Before I started Al-Anon, I really obsessed about all that was broken, bad, etc. almost every waking moment. I can't truly recall peaceful or pleasant parts of my days because I just had to find the 'root cause' to all that was broken....Small changes helped me have more hope - just waking up neutral instead of with dread gave me hope. The realization that I genuinely laughed about a present event without a thought of what was broken helped. Finding myself singing along to a song in the car helped. Everything was very, very gradual for me and had I not been asked to look for the small miracles, I would have lost my patience with recovery.
If it helps again, there are times that I still have no idea about life, recovery, progress, etc. Yet, because it's better than before, I keep practicing.
Keep doing you and I can say that gratitude lists are very helpful for me to see how my attitude and outlook has changed! (((Hugs))) - if it matters, I see growth in you and am glad you're part of my journey!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree Westman, this is a fellowship of equals and the new person may have a clearer understanding of the tools and the disease than a person who is around for a time.
Many can "talk the talk"- use slogans etc but still not really understand how to apply them to their every day life . I think that is where a sponsor can help . We can not simply keep saying we are letting go and letting God because many times we need to take action.
I found that I needed to" let go of: my anger, resentment, self pity, fear , blaming and judgment of other so that I could allow hP to act in my life. Accepting my powerlessness was extremely important to my first step and that is why I have worked 3 or 4 fist steps in my lifetime -- It really is a process
Step one was always the very hardest for me. I'm an intellectual person, an in control person and a resilient person. The very idea of admitting powerlessness especially to something as stupid as alcoholism ( which I thought I had firmly sealed in its rightful box) was impossible. And I fought it until I had no choice but to admit it and couldn't deny the reality of just how unmanageable my life had become, because I was never going to be able to outthink or outsmart and thus control another's compulsion to drink. And so much of my energy was going towards that very thing, controlling the uncontrollable. It wasn't conscious but it was consuming. Once I was able to get honest with myself, I was able to work the rest of the steps, practice the slogans and grow my viewpoint. Always will be a work in progress, but I love progress and its a lot more if an enjoyable process than my former ones.
Keep on coming back. Its a good thing to question when its serving your growth... The questions themselves frame the answers, in my experience. Alanon has bought me to different levels of reference.
Hey Westman,
I'm glad to hear you are working through the steps with a sponsor. The first step is difficult. I also struggled with the vagueness of the program as well at first. What I have discovered about this is that when I struggle struggle struggle through something and figuring out how to apply it to myself the conclusions I come to are often much more meaningful than if someone tells me what to do. I think it's just part of the human condition. In my opinion that's also why I can't tell my AH what to do about his drinking he won't see it until he is ready to see it.
Now I love the vagueness and the freedom to define things the way I see them. It forces me to seek out my own answers. I have been stuck on step four for a while. I did a lot of work on it in the beginning but then stopped for a few months. My sponsor has been patient with me. What I have been doing over those two months is getting a stronger sense of how I define my Higher Power. I've been doing a lot of exploring, reading, contemplation etc. I think I needed to stop that step four work to come back to step 2 and go a bit deeper than I had. It's all a process and I'm starting to trust the process. Once I got through the struggle with step one I found it was actually a relief for me. I remember the day it really hit me in relation to my AH. I thought he had stopped drinking so much and I was pretty pleased with myself thinking I had caused it. Then I went to throw something in the recycle bin and when it hit the bin it made this tinny noise. I lifted up the stuff on the top of the bin and it was filled with beer cans. I started to sob. I stood there and sobbed for a long time. I realized he was still drinking he was just hiding it from me now. I came to accept my powerlessness over alcohol staring at those cans in the bin. I remember saying I give up beer you win. I can never defeat you, I can never control you I can never win against you. Step one was a relief that day because I had been putting so much effort into trying to control my AHs drinking and when I realized I could never control it it gave me permission to start to let it go. Keep working the program. So glad to hear you are working through it.
ohhh yea, "talk the talk" well lets see their WALK and I think the steps are kinda open or generic is because you got all these different spiritual beliefs or non belifs, all these different cultures so it sort is like a coloring book...the guidelines are there...the dogs head is a dogs head, but we "fill in" with our crayons as we see it at that particular time, and we, over the months and years start coloring the black dog, maybe a tan or creme colored dog as our souls allow the light to come in...when I was a child, I drew BLACK spiders BLACK trees...BLACK people with weapons in their hands....everything was BLACK all my life till I got into program....now my house is spongue painted pastels...my clothes are , yea, my blue jeans, but pastel tops, mostly, dresses in sweet pastel colors....lighter, brighter to reflect how I feel about me, my life, my path.......and to let go and let God is an action that kinda circumvents feeling like the victim.....step 1 accepting i was really powerless over OTHER people, places and things....NOT me, but OTHER PEOPLE...sort made me think.."geez what DO i have power over???" I have power over whether or not I work the program...power over changing my attitude...changing my perceiptions of what an event really is...is it the awful disaster I see or is it really just a pain in the neck that I can fix, AFTER I step back....breathe.....see what options I have............and step 3...STOP trying to control the uncontrollable.....
When I first got in 12 step programs I was incredibly critical of the process. I had a lot to say about the slogans, the steps and the process.
I think in theory I was in so much pain it was so much easier to concentrate on what other people were not doing rather than focus on my own issues.
There are lots of tools in dealing with alcoholism. There is some great literature out there. The field has changed dramatically since the time of Louis.
Nevertheless the tools of al anon have a lot to offer if you are dealing with alcoholism.
I have been dealing with alcoholism my whole life, My birth family was completely submerged in issues and addictions.
They still are.
My own journey has been very difficult, I have used other tools from time to time, therapy, books and certainly meditation.
I have a lot of respect these days for the old timers in the program. Alcoholism and addictions are so relentless in their damage to everyone around them.
For me anyone who survived the alcoholism of a significant other is a real triumph. They might not have the program I have worked but they have certainly performed in a commendable fashion.
Every day I am more and more aware of how addictions rob so many people and families of so much.
I am certainly a very boundaried person these days in ways I never was before. My risks are measured, rather than reckless. I don't allow things to creep up on me.
I work on self care diligently and carefully.
Al anon is not solely responsible for my progress but the tools I learned in al anon were very very valuable to me.
