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level.
Had to go see AH today. I took my name off the title of our Ford Expedition, and I needed to give him the title and let him know he has 5 days to turn this into the he "new" owner. Yesterday I sent DS to the house to finish clearing his room of all the mess/junk/possessions. When he came back, he said that his dad wouldn't answer the door, so he let himself in, and he was passed out on the couch with a bottle of vodka next to him.
DS took in stride and began cleaning his room, which eventually woke AH up. DS told him why he was there and he said there was some incoherent talk..."no big deal, Mom." He then said his dad got himself cleaned up and his mother came over... DS never said anything about the bottle. I told him, "Good. That is not your job, and it is better to stay out of that chaos."
Cut to this morning, AH looked bloated, had cuts and scrapes just about everywhere, and a very large contusion on his head! Below that was a large cut. They are VERY ugly looking. He gave me some story of how a couple days ago our landlord left his garage light on, and told him, "You can just reach through the little hole in the wall from your garage to turn the light off." So AH did that, hit some spider webs, freaked out, and ended up hitting his head. Really. Then of course he had a "story" for each of his scrapes and cuts. I just saw it as he's been drinking a lot, and these are all his injuries. He spoke of all his treatment options, and seemed fairly optimistic... of course. He doesn't realize that I get the "truth" from his sister - when she feels it's important to tell me. Remember I was feeling all sad for him and kind of questioning my decisions? Well, not today. Today I saw the madness from outside the looking glass - and I was damn happy I didn't have to engage!!
Later tonight, his sister called me to let me know that due to the drinking, he can no longer be eligible for the "nicer" facilities. His only option is the free, state-run places (which of course AH doesn't want to go to again, b/c they "are full of gang-bangers."). That may be, b/c most of them have court mandated treatment orders, but AH keeps drinking and f'ing up his options! His sister is fit to be tied, his brother does nothing, his nephew and his mother feel that everyone needs to back off and let him become homeless. And they may be correct. His sister is just running in circles b/c he drinks to self-medicate mental issues, but he can't get help for the mental issues until he has at least 5 days clean. Of course currently he is not answering anyone's texts. I told her that's usually b/c he is drinking/passed out. I then told her that I am sorry this is such a mess... I completely understand b/c this was the chaos son and I have been living with for years... and our love & support was not enough either. I then told her I hope that they can all get together and let him know what additional things he will lose from them if he doesn't choose treatment - the one he doesn't want to go to. And then let him decide. I then said I needed to get off the line... no sense getting dragged into that mess!
Right now I just feel pity for my AH. And I am so glad that I moved out. I think that he will end up drinking himself to death before he gets help. It is so sad... he was such a wonderful man at one time... someone EVERYONE could relate to and get along with.
Just for today, I will be thankful that I got myself and my son out of that drama. I will remember that I DO NOT need to engage with his treatment plan - or lack thereof. I will pray for his HP to help him find a facility to take him so that he may begin his journey.
Thank you for listening!
Namaste
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - good for you in having the courage to change the things you can...I too am sending prayers and positive thoughts for all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Betty and Iamhere...almost everyday is something new... not always good. But I get strength to move through, each and every time I read other's posts. I am grateful that others share their ESH and journeys.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey PnP - your experience matches mine - each day is something new...I also agree that there is good and not so good mixed in, yet each time my head approaches my pillow, I find gratitude for the day and the many blessings. The more I align with recovery, the more I can look at 'life' with a different set of glasses.
Sending prayers and positive energy your way today! Keep doing what you are doing - it looks awesome on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, MizzB. Know that I am following your journey as well!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PNP your post shows grace and courage and loving acceptance for something that only he can change. Letting him learn his own lessons is the only hope for him to ever get help and I am glad you see that and have moved on to take care of yourself. It's always sad to have to let go and stop trying to control the uncontrollable but it is the only option we have if we want to stay emotionally sober Kudos to you for doing this brave step to reclaim your life as a free and peaceful and hopeful person in your own life Always in support
Hi PnP I've been away for a while and haven't checked the board so I am just seeing that you moved out. I am so sorry to hear about your AH it is a truly awful disease and it makes me very sad to hear of his struggles and suffering. I am very happy to hear that you are in a better space and that you made the right move for yourself and your son. Amazing! I hope your AH truly finds help but you keep on working your program and focusing on yourself and your son. I'm glad to hear you only feel pity for him now. I think all that built up hostility and anger is toxic for us. If we keep holding on to resentments towards the A we keep hurting ourselves. (((HUGS))) Take care!
hey PNP I, too am glad you can feel pity for him...I think the hate, anger, resentment I carried for a FEW people, starting with my sire and then on up through my marriages, Yea, its a poison....I daily ask HP to cleanse me of any negative energy i feel for ANYONE...NO...I can't forgive him for what he did, but I CAN bury the hate,resentment, etc...I can bury the cursing of his soul which I am progressing on.......adopted daughter is calling me again....she wants something.....every time I took her back, she would do the roller coaster mental cruelty thing to me...like I was some toy for her to play with....I'm not taking her calls and like you, I genuinely feel sorry for her because to drive your mom away is about the worst one can do to themselves...no she isn't my blood, but i raised her, trained her, loved her as IF she WAS my blood, but the cruel head games, the passive aggressive MEAN things she would do to me, I finally had enough and told her "i did my job with you..did my best...You are a young woman now, and I am detaching..leaving...I wish you well, will pray for you, but not gonna let you hurt me again" I even hugged her goodbye and wished her the best of luck...this was back in April , after my BFF left for back home.....Yea, I hugged her goodbye and I expressed the hope that my wisdom would carry her through life as I did my best....I am at peace...happier....I have my oldest daughter and teh 2nd oldest (she also is adopted) and those girls are wonderful daughters to me...they love me..respect me...treat me like I deserve......so I focus on them and let the toxic one go....and YES....I feel tons of pity for this youngest one because some day she is going to wake up in a lot of pain and I can no longer help her....I see that cruelty streak in her dad, the alcoholic....its just a bad thing...and they do these mean , cruel things to crush another and they don't FEEL any sorrow for the pain they cause...I truly believe that she along with him are borderlines...really I do...a type of sociopath who can feel their own pain, but never feel for another............soooo sad......so its OK to feel pity...it shows that WE have a heart..even tho we had to leave them behind for self preservation, WE have a heart...I wish her the absolute best, but her life and lessons are now in the hands of her maker.....not mine..........you hang in there and keep on keepin on........
Then of course he had a "story" for each of his scrapes and cuts. I just saw it as he's been drinking a lot, and these are all his injuries. He spoke of all his treatment options, and seemed fairly optimistic... of course. He doesn't realize that I get the "truth" from his sister - when she feels it's important to tell me. Remember I was feeling all sad for him and kind of questioning my decisions? Well, not today. Today I saw the madness from outside the looking glass - and I was damn happy I didn't have to engage!!