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I am new to AL-ANON, I attended my first meeting this week. Just to advise where I am and why I need AL-ANON....
My son is 37 years old, has two children by two different women, and has always had an alcohol problem. I look back and see that he has had this problem since he was 16.. he was in the Army and after a wonderful career of 6 years, had an alcohol induced accident that sent him to the hospital for four months and got him dismissed from the Army (honorably discharged). I look back and see that I, as well as his Dad (we have been divorced since he was 3), my siblings and my parents, have only been enabling him for the past 20+ years. Always feeling sorry for him, spending thousands on his rehab program many different times, taking care of his finances to "help him get back on his feet", taking care of him, etc. My ex-husband and I have both helped our son get a job at the companies that we have worked for and every time he has either quit or gotten fired because of his "alcohol related conduct", ie., missing work, laying out of work for days without calling in, we covered for him when he was out for no reason but alcohol, etc.
He has had four different jobs in the past 9 months, and has lost them. He is a mess financially, he has no money and has had no money for a long time now. Recently, he had went to another rehab program and stopped drinking for about 4 weeks (a long time for him), however he was unemployed and had no place to live. Because he was doing better, I asked my parents (who live close to him) if he could move into a spare room at their house and help out. They graciously accepted with the terms of "no drinking" and he was well aware of that when he moved in. His dad helped him to get yet another job with his company, and my son was so excited to have the "new beginning" and was doing great! It lasted about 2 weeks.... then he began drinking again, laying out of work, being disrespectful to his grandparents and being totally lazy at their home... my 83 year old Mother was handling all of his laundry, picking up his bedroom, making his bed for him... my 88 year old Dad was "loaning" him money, and only asked that if he wasn't coming home after work to please call and let them know... he failed to do that so many times and they worried!
I was gone for three weeks and when I returned my parents advised that they could no longer take care of him (of course, they couldn't!) I thought he was helping them out by doing chores around the house as he did when he first moved in, but that didn't last but about two weeks and then he went down from there.
As soon as I returned from my trip, I immediately went to their home and had to get him out of bed at 10 AM on a Sunday morning (he was just lying in bed and watching a big screen TV - where he had been since Tuesday evening...). I advised that he needed to get up and showered, this was his "moving day". I advised that "last night was your last night in your grandparents home" and today, you are moving out. He looked confused and dazed and couldn't understand why he was having to leave. I advised that I had been the one that asked my parents to allow him to move in and they graciously accepted with the understanding that he would not drink while he was living with them. I advised that he had broken that rule and that he had also been disrespectful to his grandparents, ie., they cooked for him and he wouldn't eat, they asked that he notify them if he wasn't coming home and he didn't do that, they would call him and he never returned their calls and then he proceeded to stay out all night (while they worried about him), he came home from work and his 88 year old grandfather would be working in the yard - my son would walk past his grandfather without speaking then go straight to his bedroom and not come out for the rest of the night, he was supposed to help them around the house, which he did the first two weeks but then stopped doing that - this was all disrespect to his grandparents. Therefore, he was welcome to come and visit at any time, but he would not be allowed to live with them again. We packed all of his things into his truck and he left. I told him that we all loved him, but we could not tolerate his behavior. I also said, "Son, you are 37 almost 38 years old, you have responsibilities (his children, his bills, etc.), it is a big world out there, so go and find your place and we pray that you get the help you need and get well".
He didn't say anything, only drove away and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if he still has his job, I don't know where he is staying because he has burnt every bridge with every family member and no one will allow him to live in their home as this is the same scenario, time and time again. He has no friends. He did not have any money, and because he missed the majority of work last week (he was on a binge drunk and only worked a half day out of the week), he won't have any money this week.
My heart is broken and part of me feels guilty, but then the other part is angry and disappointed in him because he was the one making all of the decisions. It is his choice to drink and everyone has tried to help him, but now we realize that we have only enabled him to continue his drinking.
I really don't know of anyone who has a family member, homeless and destitute, except me. I worry about where he is and what he is doing, but then I get angry again because I didn't do it! I don't want to know, at this time, where he is. I don't want to know if he was able to keep his job. I know that he must find the very bottom, all by himself, and then and only then will he feel that pain of his addiction and want to get better. It is so heart wrenching for me, as his Mom, but not only for me, but his entire family, especially his 13 year old son that has seen him in every possible situation, unfortunately.
I am attending an Al-Anon meeting again today and plan to attend as many as I can because I know that I need help to deal with this and to be strong for my son. I feel that what I did was harsh, but at this time in his life, I believe he needs the BIG PUSH to do something different.
I thank you for listening and if you have similar situations, please let me know. I know my son is not the only person in the critical situation of being alcoholic, destitute and homeless, am I?
((((A P)))) Gracious Lord you have woken up on your own bottom and god I know what that is like cause I've done that several times myself. You post brings tears to my eyes as it should that I never ever get so use to the insanity that I dare try it again. I was born and raised in this disease and came near death from it.
You have made a great choice to be here and a greater one if you stay here. I learned tough love as a therapist within the recovery programs of addiction and alcoholism and watching my client families grovel while learning it was awe inspiring because they rose to such greater heights mind, body, spirits and emotions. Often their addicts and alcoholics, like my own made recoveries that defied imagination and we all keep coming back.
A big part of my client base was teens and I suggest that you see if Alateen is available for your 13 year old son...if not take him with you to your groups and let him read and listen. Keep coming back...In support. (((((hugs)))))
Hello! You are so brave for taking you control back and giving your family some sanity. I can hear how much it hurts for you to do that but you are a strong lady and this decision will be a positive one. Stay with us, this group is good for supporting each other.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Your post was heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. I commend you on your actions and pray for your peace and serenity with your decision. It was time, as your adult son has been given every opportunity possible to get on track. I believe you have given him the best gift possible in order for him to find his way.
Thank you for your share and know our program and your HP will guide you!
I also felt a bit emotional reading your post. I also enabled my son's drinking and he for on to such a lot of trouble. I reached my bottom and learned that love is not caring for someone in the way I was. I learned about detaching with love on alanon and I try to love properly now and it seems to me it a all about letting go and letting the consequences be the teacher. We Mothers can't seem to help with this terrible disease we're powerless but the good news we still get to live and build a good life for ourselves. The best we can do is set an example hold our strong boundaries right and don't go under with this disease. Trust our higher power has for our son's and knows what they need regardless of how painful we imagine it to be. Glad your here. We are not alone.x
(((Confused Mom))) - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am so happy to hear that you've started the Al-Anon journey. I believe you will find a seat with your name on it - any meeting, any time, any town!
I can relate to all of your share - the multiple rehabs (we've experienced 12), the chaos, the enabling, the insanity, the tough-love, the 'boot' out. I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but I actually drove my son to the homeless shelter a couple of times as he has no driver's license. It's a tough road we live when we love others with the disease of alcoholism. It's painful, overwhelming, maddening and sad all at the same time.
I applaud you for relieving your parents of your son. That's a courageous act/step and while I understand your worry, it appears to me to be a love like no other. I had to go through all I did to reach my bottom and so do they. The disease in my family took me to the absolute edge of insanity and I am so grateful I found Al-Anon, found myself again and took back my life.
When I was having to impose consequences for my boys, I would start to slip...and it was my sponsor who lovingly kept reminding me that they would never hit their bottom if I kept giving them a soft landing. She was gentle, calm and ever so gracious with her communications and she was so right.
Each time I begin to worry/obsess, I literally lift my hands to the sky in an act of giving my fears, my worry and my alcoholic to a power greater than me. It doesn't always work for long, and I have to repeat sometimes but it does give me clarity that this disease is larger than me, larger than life and only a power greater than I can restore sanity.
You are in the right place and I appreciate your honest share. Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
