Thank you for posting this. You've posed some excellent questions in my mind -- that being the "co-existence" between spirituality, God's will, letting go, taking action, acceptance, and perhaps other elements as well. I too struggled with the acceptance vs. unacceptable behavior piece of the puzzle.

That said, from my experience, and my journey through recovery, I have learned one thing -- ex post factor, there has always been a simple answer. It wasn't always visible or simple before and during, however, after -- the answer, solution, etc., seemed so simple. I was in an unhealthy relationship. Someone who had been in my life for 20 years, as a friend, as a GF, and sometimes we didn't communicate at all. We had been through a lot together. Anyway, during our last involvement, it had gotten unhealthy. She had gotten unhealthy. After so much had gone on, and I was unhappy, I confronted my sponsor with -- acceptance, and not trying to change her, as well as not trying to fix her or her problems, not doing a lot of what I had done in the past...versus...accepting unacceptable behavior. I talked to my sponsor and said -- if I master acceptance, and truly embrace it, and practice it, live it, etc.; then here I am accepting her as she is, and her behavior, which is unacceptable. My sponsor laughed.

While the answer/solution was not yet visible or simple, first, we agreed on the acceptance element. Acceptance...check. Yes, I was clearly and completely in acceptance. That had always been easy for me because during times of struggle, or whatever it was, I always, always, always, immersed myself in acceptance. I was able to format whatever I was struggling with, with acceptance. So, done, done. However, then, the unacceptable part. First, I had to look at me. My role, my part, my contribution. I had to take "her" out of the equation and discussion. Me. Me. Me. Why was I, why did I, what was I, and so forth. Now, I didn't ask those questions with a motivation toward analyzing. No. No way. I could not get caught up in some analytical exercise. I wasn't going to go to therapy for 20 years to discuss all of those questions. However, what it came down to was that she was unhealthy, and then, about me -- I kept going back, to an unhealthy, unavailable (emotionally) person. I kept going back to a place/environment where I was being treated poorly. I was going back to a place where I would end up crying. Where I would end up angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed, and so forth. So my sponsor and I talked about the real issue...ME. In this mindset, acceptance and unacceptable behavior were two separate and distinct elements. Two independent elements. Having the first DID NOT preclude me from doing something about the second. There was action to take, but it was not me not accepting and trying to change et al. There were options -- although at the moment I did not like them -- that would end the pain, hurt, and so forth.

While you may accept people, places and things, just as they are...that doesn't mean that you have to keep going back to those people, places, and things. It doesn't mean that you can't keep relationships at a certain "distance" or have space and distance. It doesn't mean that you can't have and honor boundaries, which will help you and protect you. It doesn't mean you don't keep detaching, not enabling, not contributing, etc. For me, I had acceptance, but I still had to make healthy decisions. In one case, I did have to eliminate one person/relationship from my life. It was not an easy decision. However, I sought out objectivity, and I did a lot of work around this. Talk to your sponsor, work with your sponsor...and keep doing the work. All the best.

"Then what? Im living alone completely for the first ime in my whole life, no noise, mess, trouble, insecurity, fear of whats next. How do I grow in this, where are my challenges that drive me? Do I stagnate?" 

Hi el-cee,

This statement is what really jumped out at me in your post. Just my experience but when I have a question such this one from your post, I try to do a deeper dive by journalling. The slogans have proven to be a good place to start for me personally and of course inviting my higher power into this process. After reading your post, the slogan Live and Let Live is the one that comes to mind for an inventory of your current living situation and relationship with your son. 

Anyway, this is just how I work it when confronted by my dis-ease. Please take what you like and leave the rest.  Thank you for sharing ((el-cee))) TT

Hey, el-cee, I'm so sorry for the situation put before you... I can share that after moving out of my A's apartment 3 months ago and starting to live on my own I still have plenty of opportunities to learn, heal and grow, and in many ways I'm learning even more than before because I do not have nearly as many alcohol related distractions, more time for myself. Now removed from the alcoholic environment, there's more often than not peace near me. So instead of learning with a hammer banging on my head the process is mostly gentler now, for which I'm very grateful. It works when I work it, regardless. (((Hugs)))

Hi el-cee. Thank you for posting these questions. I struggle with what to do with unacceptable behavior. My AH thinks I am unreasonable because what I consider unacceptable is actually acceptable to him. I have set boundaries and continuously he tries to cross them. I get upset because he isn't hearing me. Some days are better than others. I moved out 3 weeks ago and AH is about to be homeless unless he comes to stay with me. Maybe I am unreasonable but I set the boundary of no alcohol, drugs,hanging out anymore and he has to get a job help out and work on himself and our relationship. That may be too much for him to handle, I have hopes but what about expectations??? He hasn't even taken any first step I don't think he is ready. For him that is unfortunate because I just can't continue in our relationship if he can't do his part. I see how my reactions to him are so unhealthy and I am working on myself but I am not healthy enough to deal with his addictions right now. Every time I think about him I see the betrayals. I understand why he did what he did his selfishness but that doesn't make it easier to forgive. I don't know if I can get past the infidelities. I deserve a loving faithful committed partner who doesn't sleep around just because I am to fat or to this or that. I know I need more time in the program and work on me. Even today he got mad because I wouldn't let him use my car so he said for me to give him a divorce. The manipulation attempts continue. I know for me I cannot make a major decision right now. I do know though I don't want to be the doormat anymore. Thanks for letting me vent. I am working on making healthy changes for me.

You've addressed the fear of being alone. I lived that fear for five years and my world was small. It was not natural and did not make me happy. So I've had to shuffle my cards in a sense, and take a broader seat. I love what I love, mostly my own hard won wisdom, but I have had to accept we're all at different places on the mountain. Additionally, while I serve my own value system, I have had to tweak it from being an imperial one. So now, rather than looking at loved ones as sheep in need of a shepherd, I look at them as being who they are, where they are, and loving them nonetheless. When something comes up, I try to be firm but respectful, always serving the higher ideal not the personalities. My principles are programme based, culture based, women based and never imperial which is a top down model, while I'm a fan of side by side exchange. I guess a spiritual principle needs defining in order to be served. Self care and time out are critical. Sending lots of support your way.

Hang in there el-cee - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. I will admit when mine were making poor choices, etc. a part of me did wonder if they would have less $$ to spend on poor choices if they had to pay rent/utilities/etc. The answer was yes....and both have learned a ton about how to manage/mismanage their finances. You're doing great - be gentle with you!