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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> one small step forwards... have I taken steps back too though?
Post Info TOPIC: one small step forwards... have I taken steps back too though?
MizzB


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one small step forwards... have I taken steps back too though?
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So, after the ABF's AWOL weekend, I decided to get a dog trainer so I can get a dog sitter (my dog is aggressive towards people due to fear - she's had a hard life)or my parents to come round if necessary when I have late parent meetings. I'm preparing to be on my own. I'm just scared. We spoke this morning before work about things - briefly - 6.30am is no time for me to be having a logical conversation although it's the only time I've seen him sober in a while. I got some money out of him that he owes me - about 1/10th. But it's enough to cover the dog trainer and I've found and contacted a dog trainer. ANyway I was hopeful tonight he would be sober and supportive of me. Anyway I had to work late, he's been working from home and I've come home and he's asleep. I think he's been drinking. He's not registered for a doctor. So I was hopeful that he would have taken a step forwards but it appears not. 

Have I taken one step forwards but with still having hope am I destined to take three steps back every time? I did some thinking on the bus home - what's the worst case scenario? What is the best? The best would have been that he'd cooked me dinner. The worst, that he was drunk and the dog was missing. Well I think it's somewhere in between. Hope is such a cruel thing to have. 

 

But I've taken a step forwards anyway. I just don't know whether I'm forwards, back or in the same place from this morning.



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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
The1975jen


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That's a great idea to hire a trainer! Good for you for coming up with a great solution.


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MizzB


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Thank you.

When he got up and confirmed he's had 2 drinks "just to get through - not really drinking" I realised that as I feared, the hope has sent me back still. His denial is horrendous. I've messaged his mum. He doesn't get to hide from his alcoholism. Although I think while she loves him, she's very soft on him as she doesn't live with this shxx day in and day out.



-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 12th of September 2017 03:28:09 PM

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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Aline


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Hi, MizzB, to me it looks like you've taken positive action to solve your current situation with the dog. Congrats on that :) I've read a phrase on this board "high hopes and low expectations", and I really try to keep this in mind as having this kind of mindset seems a lot healthier than experiencing a letdown and, for me, resentment that accompanies it... I also like "shopping for bread in a hardware store". Keep coming back, its good to have you with us!

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MizzB


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THank you Aline. I'm so isolated at the moment that this is a real life line for me.

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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Bo


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Progress...not perfection.

High hopes...low expectations.

Both of these helped me keep -- my progress and recovery, and my expectations, disappointment, being hurt, etc. -- in check. I too felt like I was taking one step forward and three steps back. It was hard. At the same time, I was still, covertly, passive aggressively, trying to help, fix, control, etc. I kept trying to rationalize with her as well. I too was hopeful that after these talks, I would come home and she would be "OK" so to speak. Even when she was, it was short-lived. I was hurt, disappointed, let down, and so forth. But that was on me. I had to make changes. I tempered my expectations. I immersed myself in acceptance. I detached. I did a lot of work so that her drinking and everything that came from it no longer consumed me. I was OK whether she was drinking or not. Thanks.

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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 
Iamhere


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(((MizzB))) - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. The way I look at life is so long as I am focusing on me and what appears to be the next right thing, I'm moving forward...it may not be the progress I desire or it may not feel good all the time, yet it all contributes to my growth and my confidence.

I too believe your plan for the trainer is a great one....be gentle with you and focus on just today as best you can....this was so helpful for me too. All of the program tools help us take back 'us' so we can be whole and happy no matter what anyone is/is not doing. Keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Skorpi


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(((MizzB))) that's great progress with taking action and getting a dog trainer!

When I had my hopes dashed because I would come home (or worse, be picked up) and realize that my wife had been drinking, keeping the focus on me and my dogs, and reminding myself to be gentle with myself, really helped me get through.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
MizzB


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Dog trainer is booked. He said "do you want to wait to talk to your partner about the date?" I went ahead. If he.s there, he's there. If he's not, he's not. I'm not doing this for him, it's for my freedom. Unfortunately I had to book the skype call which happens first for when the al-anon meeting is so I'll have to go back the week after but for me, the dog is as important.

I also went of facebook last night and made a post saying I was lonely and looking to reconnect. I rarely put anything personal on facebook as I'm not a fan of the oversharing that happens there. I've been inundated with messages, offers of weekends away and nights out. Obviously I have to work around Mabel, but I'm feeling a lot of positivity right now. Even though he is entering another crisis with his job. It's not my crisis.

So a good day. Even though work was crazy again.

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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Iamhere


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Good on you - love the self care!!! Keep doing you - one day at a time!! My dog is petrified of storms....I tend to stay with her and miss my meetings if it's badly storming! I do get it - she's my spiritual buddy....(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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