Welcome Dancer  You are not alone.  I   too have experienced much of what you are enduring.  I am glad that you have found alanon face to face meetings and are embracing the principles.  

When I arrived to the doors of alanon,  several years ago , I needed to see that my anger, resentment, fear and self pity were only hurting me.  My partner was enjoying his life and our home--  I was not .  

Alanon suggested that I keep the focus on myself, learn new tools to live by and understand that alcoholism was a progressive. chronic, fatal disease (that infects the entire family) and over which I was powerless.

I found the slogans and the serenity prayer very  helpful.  I would  recite them  over and over in my head when I was tempted to engage in a destructive argument.  

Acceptance of the fact that I was dealing with a disease gave me the ability to choose healthier responses to my partner. I could ask for what I needed and take care of myself .  I could , say whet i mean and mean what  I say without being mean.

You are correct, we do need to look at our actions and become willing to change.  The Steps. slogans, meetings and a sponsor will help in the process.  I decided I was worth the effort so I kept coming back   Hope you will too.

 The "Just for Today" bookmark really helped me in this process

Good luck  

Welcome to MIP Dancer 66,

Thank you for your honest post, as I read it I recognised a lot of my own frustrations, resentments and anger. I don't know how it is for you, but I know that I was uptight so I laughed in recognition at what your husband says to you, and snarled at my recognition of how darned irritating that kind of comment is - it gets me every time!!

We do have choices, but they are not easy. I found that this board and face to face meetings helped me to find a bit of space in which I could consider what I needed for myself. I found it useful to assume that I couldn't change my husband's thinking/behaviour, only my own.

As far as dealing with my resentment, I established a rule of equal and opposite force because the last thing I wanted to turn into was a bitter old woman! My plan was purely for myself and I did it without telling AH. What my plan meant for me was that when something or some action or words upset me I would seek out something soothing and enjoyable of equal and opposite force. It worked for me on two levels - firstly it helped me to establish just how irritating an action was and most actions were actually not as bad as my mind liked to make them so those small irritations merited a bubble bath or a new nail colour. Other things were, in effect, more rewarding and I booked a couple of holidays!! I resolved to have as much fun as possible as a result of my husband's rudeness and I'm fairly sure that as a result of my enjoying life so much the rudeness eventually stopped - I was just having too much fun and perhaps that took the heat off my husband a bit as well!! The second benefit for me was that I was learning to sooth myself, not relying on someone else to make me feel better and that felt really empowering for me. My self esteem started to go up and eventually I didn't need to have something upset me in order for me to have fun, I chose to do it anyway.

As I started to feel better I became more able to understand my own needs and therefore more able to express them. For example, I don't think it is ok for anyone to be rude or insult to me, including my husband (in fact especially my husband!). Eventually I was able to not take what he was saying personally, it just made me like him a bit less, whilst also pointing out that, for example, I needed some quiet time. You can imagine how my comments were initially received and they were thrown back at me defensively and I would feel 'less than' - except my law of equal and opposite force would then kick in and I would think 'hey! I'm off to see that exhibition I wanted to see!' I guess that there are all sorts of merry-go-rounds! Not an ideal relationship by any means, but it helped me to create the space I needed in my life to decide what I wanted to do next, Just for Today.

PS . I found lavender oil on my pillow helped me to sleep and masked the smell! However, I did come to ask myself why I was sharing a bed with someone when I felt repulsed so eventually I moved into the spare room and turned it into a peaceful sanctuary. I needed to be honest with and for myself.

Sending ((((((hugs)))))))) - it is sooooo not easy and I'm really sorry that you are in this situation - it sucks, but it can get better.

Welcome, Dancer! I understand and have been there ... it really sucks to not be able to enjoy your home, and to need to get out in order to have some peace, as well as worrying how this affects the children. But, for me, it was the reality at the time. The worst thing was fearing that this situation would last forever ... but, thankfully, nothing lasts forever.

I also moved into another bedroom, spent as much time as I could outside the house or busily occupied (work, gym, mini-vacations, volunteering, studying for a master's degree ...). I got back in contact with some old friends to talk with.

One thing I can offer is that my husband was eventually willing and able to change certain behaviors -- like playing loud music and acting belligerent -- even though he was not able to completely stop alcohol. This happened after a serious medical crisis due to drinking, when the children and I were able to be honest with him about how his behavior was affecting us. I'm very thankful I had open communication with the children, who were young adults by this time.

I had individual therapy as well as Al-Anon. I found the "one day at a time" slogan helpful. Al-Anon meetings and a sponsor were a god-send during this time. It really clicked when I realized that I deserved my own recovery. I came to understand that I was in a crummy situation, but that there was hope for me.

Dancer, welcome...you are in the right place when you are here and in face to face al-anon meetings. Keep going -- as many meetings as you can get to. Start sharing, asking the questions you asked inside the rooms, talk to people, get answers, learn about options, and learn. There is a lot to learn. This program helps us -- you -- get better, get healthy. It does that in many ways, just one being, how to help you deal with the alcoholic on a day to day basis. We do this -- yes -- by making changes, in our thinking, actions, reactions, behavior, mindset, and more. Practical application? Day to day? Those are the toughest things for a newcomer like yourself.

From my experience, the best thing I did was get a sponsor -- ASAP. I found someone who had a lot of experience in the program, who shared and what they said made sense to me. I didn't understand and agree with a lot of it -- but based upon what this person was sharing, I realized they "got it" and they were able to get better, get healthy, and find peace, whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not. That may seem impossible -- but you will hopefully soon learn it is not impossible. The entire situation may not work out the way you want it to, or how you would like it to, or how you expect it to -- but even if it doesn't -- you can be OK. I was.

You asked a lot of detail questions -- and there are answers -- but in my experience, it is best for you to ask those questions, and get answers, by starting to focus on yourself, and starting to do the work. That means learning and understanding the steps, the various slogans, and the tools of the program. That is the work you do with a sponsor, one on one. Go to meetings, as many as you can, find a sponsor, and start working with him/her. Meet with him/her, ask all of these questions, seek answers, explore options, and more.

Good luck and keep coming back. The answers you seek, the solutions you are looking for -- are inside the meetings rooms, and in the work with your sponsor. Keep coming back.

-- Edited by Bo on Monday 21st of August 2017 11:45:16 PM

 

 

Dancer welcome to the family and great that you posted.  Kinda of exactly like a walking on eggshells post.  We all have gone thru it as newbies to some degree or not and then it's usual...not fun just usual.  It is part of our learning and journey and as we learn more and get farther along life got beyond my wildest imagination.  My alcoholic/addict wife once accused me of talking about her at meetings (we don't use names...the program is anonymous) and I responded that if she feared it she could attend a meeting by herself and see if anyone knew her.   Of course she never did and no one would.  I've been in recovery for 38 years and still no one knows my last name. You are going thru lots of fear right now for many reasons so bring it here and let us work it out with you.  Keep MIP anonymous with him so he doesn't have fuel for anger because you are being supported.   How you handle going to face to face meetings will be a bit of a milestone however if he knows that you are being affected by his drinking and are looking for support to understand it might go well anyway.  Keeping the kids safe when you do that is important though some meeting have childcare or allow the kids to sit quietly.  The kids will learn from listening and they should come to understand this incurable disease.  It can only be arrested by total abstinence.   

Literature is important and we have tons of it in the program...go and find out and make your choices.   Keep coming back this works when you work it.   ((((hugs))))