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Post Info TOPIC: Putting the "fun" in Dysfunction ..


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2689
Date:
Putting the "fun" in Dysfunction ..


A really great girlfriend of mine is in SF, CA .. that's my home city or one of them .. lol .. it's where I was born so I spent a lot of time in Northern CA.  It brought about a funny/odd memory I hadn't thought about in years. 

When I was kid I remember running into my Dad at the airport in SF .. he was catching another flight and so was I .. I think I was headed South to San Diego.  We were headed in opposite directions.  This absolutely epitomizes the level of insanity after my mom and dad split (there is no pattern here at all .. lol), .. talk about an awkward meeting .. hey dad .. sorry I didn't tell you I was in town however I didn't have a lot of time between conferences (that's him) I'll catch you later .. love you.  Bye.  Then I seriously wonder why I thought grown ups were crazy .. and still have to remind myself I am one of the many now.  That was the level of conversation and I think that was the first time my grandparents had seen my dad since my parents divorced.  And he wonders why I am not interested in a relationship with him.  I don't know how to have a conversation with someone who passes their kid in the airport without a second glance or thought.  So odd .. yet I see the pattern with my kids and their dad.  At this point I don't think my X would recognize either kiddo because they have changed so drastically. 

Just an odd thought for the day and so weird it popped into my head just now. 

Hugs S :)



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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Senior Member

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Posts: 217
Date:

I can relate a bit. I was also reared in NorCal. My dad and that side of the family has something of a reputation for being cold. There's a story about my dad leaving home at 14. He was hitch hiking and his mom drove up next to him on the on ramp. She stopped, gave him $20 or so, and kept going. 

Luckily my relationship with my dad is better than that although there is some distance there for sure. It used to bother me but I learned that not all families show love and affection the same way. My dad does what he can to show love and I accept it. My older brother (who I should write a new post on) is nearly completely unable to show affection. But I've learned that he does love me and other family members but there's something different about him that he doesn't express it in any obvious way. 

My other side of the family is more outward with ALL of their feelings. I've learned that lots of hugs and "I love you's" don't mean that there's anymore love or goodwill compared to the more reserved family. 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2689
Date:
Putting the


See .. my dad remarried and was a completely different guy than he was with me .. I always made him uncomfortable for a number of reasons probably because I knew the "before he was saved" so I'm kind of the dirty secret on that side of the family. So much so that the other side of the family has actually tried to erase my mom from pictures and so on ... it's just an odd dynamic. My mom's side was not affectionate at all and so honestly to this day I have to remind myself to hug my kids .. it probably will never be automatic. The last time I told my dad I loved him he replied "thank you". LOL .. I was like ookk .. lol .. obviously not something he was comfortable with in our relationship ever really when I say he has a different relationship I mean .. he says that to his second family.

He always had a problem with the fact I was adopted and he actually verbalized that to me when I was an adult .. so yah .. there is not a lot of good feelings between us. He has told me directly I wasn't blood and so on I actually heard that one from his youngest sister.

So it's just a weird dynamic that is still weird I just don't see it as my issue anymore .. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Now I know there is something lacking in him that he couldn't see me as a person of value. It just is what it is .. so go figure. I did learn what I did not want in my relationship with my kids and that I would not be afraid to say I did the best I could and made mistakes along the way .. I would never not own the person I was, the person I am and the person I have the opportunity to grow into. So all good stuff .. we just don't click .. now if I wasn't his kid he's a hoot .. and I would have enjoyed a very superficial relationship with him .. I just don't see a lot of depth I guess.

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 669
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I have learned that there are no perfect families. Mine definately included. My parents kept secrets. No one told me I was half Jewish until high school. My dad had a previous marriage and two sons. I didn't hear about that until I was an adult. My dad just walked away from those two boys. I met one of my half brothers when I was about 40! Of course he is damaged. I send him a couple cards a year but he has trouble responding. I can't blame him. My dad died when I was 27 so I can't ask him about any of this. My dad and mom loved me but did so many damaging things. The good news is that I have survived the war and with Alanon get better everyday, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13378
Date:
RE: Putting the "fun" in Dysfunction ..


 

 

Just for me...I have never done "family" stuff well at all except when it was with other peoples families.  My family was torn up and at an early age (very early) I lost interest in the subject.  Mine sucked and I started to heal when I detached from it, early Al-Anon thanks to a wonderful sponsor and program.  Funny I went on to be a therapist working with sick families.   God is wiser than I am much more funny.  ((((Hugs))))  evileye



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