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I'm new here but I have been to a couple of al-anon meetings. I just find it hard to get to them at the moment. I'm tired of the alcoholic in my life. When he's sober he says all the right things but then he drinks. He has the memory of a goldfish when he's drunk so I remove myself from arguments and conversation as he doesn't remember them and argues stupid points than don't link to anything been said previous.
I had one of my dogs die last week. Dogs we agreed to get together. THe other dog isn't coping well alone so I can't leave her long at the moment or she just howls. I can't rely on him to look after her as he either doesn't come home or he's just sleeping and her needs aren't cared for so I feel like a prisoner. I've enlisted him mum for help but now I get her anxiety as well as my own to deal with. If he comes how drunk, she needs me to "babysit" so that he doesn't go out and drink more. I'm pretty good at containing my emotions - anger etc - but it's draining me trying to pretend I'm ok. i have to hide the true picture from my friends and family as they judge me for staying with him. And I judge me for staying with him too. And I won't stay with him much longer as I am on holiday at the moment and can't cope with another school year of work while worrying about his drinking. The anxiety is so much I don't eat much at the moment. He's ruined every event this year - I didn't even get a birthday card. I would never give up my dog but I feel trapped by her (Cant' get a dog sitter - she's very fearful of strangers and becomes aggressive) and I would never have got dogs if Id known how it would turn out.
I can't honestly think of anything I'm getting out of this relationship at the moment. I do all the housework, pay all the bills, spend most of my nights alone and yet I'm doing everything I can to support him. It's like an emotional vampire - he's sucking everything from me. I'm scared of being single again. I was 6 years single before this relationship and feel that reflects on me somehow - that after 6 years, a broken marriage, i end up with an alcoholic. Plus add into the mix that I'm 39 and having to give up on any chance of having children and an aggressive dog and I know I'll be on the dating scrap heap and become even more isolated than I am already - but do feel it's better than this life I currently have.
Anyway It's nice to have a place like this to know that even though I cant make it to meetings, someone is listening and someone understands my situation.
Thank you
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Glad you have found us here online. Welcome and keep coming back.
I just wanted to say you are not broken and unlovable. I am pushing 50 although I have a couple more years to go .. lol .. and I decided to stay single for the first 5 years and I'm so glad I did. I am involved in a relationship now and I can tell you while I don't want to think about it ending .. if it meant saving my sanity and I was putting in more than I was getting I could. I have kids .. one under the age of 14 and the other going into college who spontaneously combusted with a medical issue last week .. so not fun. Plus a lovely XAH who is their dad .. ahem .. the nicest thing I can say about him and what we have all gone through. I don't know that I would date for a while after this one .. not because I am broken just because I am a hold out for what I really want. I sure would look at my picker and send it in for a tune up.
I don't consider what you have going on a lot of baggage after what I have heard from other men .. LOL.
You sure do deserve to be happy. I hope you have a sponsor and you are working the steps because it does clear out a lot of garbage and that is taken to the trash .. however what makes me uniquely me stays with me. So whatever you need to do to feel that you are filling your own cup I encourage you to do so. Again you deserve to be happy regardless if the drinker is drinking or not .. that's his stuff not yours.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your reply. I don't have a sponsor. I need to find a regular meeting for that so I need to get on that and make me a priority again in my life rather than an accessory/babysitter/cleaner/housekeeper to an alcoholic. I've neglected me for a long time becuase of work, him and the dogs and now I need to get back to me. Thank you again for your reply.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Hello and welcome to MIp MizzB - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry to hear about the loss of your Dog...my pup feels like my spiritual adviser at times, so I am sure that weighs heavy on your heart. Sending fur prayers and fur thoughts to your other pup - I hope his grief is short!!
For me, in the beginning of my recovery journey, the meetings and a sponsor truly carried me until some sanity returned. As I was carried for a bit and allowed to begin the healing journey, I too realized I was 'all that and more' to those around me. What was most interesting as the fog cleared, nobody truly had assigned me those tasks, duties, jobs - I took them all on. I truly felt that's what I was supposed to do - pick up the slack when others weren't willing or able.
What Al-Anon taught me is that I did all this and carried a huge load to simply distract myself from my own insanity. It was far easier to look at everyone and everything around me and find fault as to look at me to see what my role is/was. With a big sigh, I had to begin practicing putting me first. Simple things - getting my coffee before feeding my precious dog - she did not love me any less when I made this change! Getting up a little earlier to have some prayer/meditation time before others woke up - small things helped me in a big way in the beginning. Small success propelled me to want more. And...that's kind of how it all began.
It's a journey and it's a process. There is no magic step that propels us from now to better. Yet, each day that I practice doing what is suggested, I feel more peace. Each day I try to live in the moment, I feel more joy. Each day I mind my own business and allow others the dignity to live their own life - crazy as it may seem to me - I feel a bit more sane. The program works when we work it and I'm truly grateful for it.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone! Be gentle with you and know that we're family here at MIP! Sending you positive thoughts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Mizz B I can so identify and believe I have lived a similar life-ignoring my needs, focusing on others and then in desperation I found alanon, a place to connect with like minded members, focus on myself and develop new constructive tools to live by. You are not alone and people are listening. please keep coming back and sharing he journey.
(((MizzB))) Welcome and I'm sorry to hear of these difficult times. Condolences on your dog. Just want to say you're not alone. I recently left relationship of 6+ years, the only person I truly imagined a future with, and my next bday is the big scary 50. It sucks. But it is what it is. I often feel doomed when it comes to love. But I'm hoping to learn some lessons with sticking power through program... because I never want to go through this hell again. One day at a time. There is a lot of wisdom and recovery in the rooms - they give me hope. I figure what's scarier? Change or stagnancy? They're both pretty terrifying, really! Figure out any kind of way to take care of YOU and keep coming back. Hugs.
I almost cried when I read your post... we have lead similar lives when it comes to our alcoholics. I can feel your pain when you say you are trapped. I am currently trying to navigate out of MY trap. Keep checking in, reading, and posting. The good people here know what it's like and they really DO listen!
Sending you prayers and good energy!
PNP
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all for your kind replies. I have now found a meeting on a Sunday I can attend regularly that isn't too far away. Sometimes though the immediacy of the online is necessary and this community is already helping me understand that I need to get back to me and give myself some care now.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
THis time of day is the worst. THis is when he's supposed to be home. So I get especially anxious now. I don't know whether he's going to be sober, be drunk and try to start an argument; be drunk and ignore me; be drunk and need to go out and drink more or just not come home. Today he has told me would leave work half an hour ago. SO he should be home anytime. THe nervous anxiety kills me. I try to distract but at the moment its not working.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
MizzB - I can relate to what you share. I remember that I called it 'the witching hour'....my heart rate would increase and my anxiety would also increase. My sponsor suggested I change my routine - take a walk, listen to music - anything that would change up my though pattern.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
