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My AH went to his immediate boss on Tuesday and told him about his drinking problem and asked for help. His boss had him driven home by a co-worker and told him he would check in on him (phone) the next day. The next day they let him go.
i was pretty sure there is some law about that and alcoholism being a 'disease,' but I guess they made him take a drug test and according to AH, it read a ".1 something." So he was technically driving their company truck intoxicated (from the night before).
I have tried to be supportive, I told him to concentrate on the next right thing, to concentrate on getting unemployment benefits started, finish all the tasks around the house, wait and see what kind of substance abuse program work will offer him, and if they won't, then start looking into free rehabs. i told him that he has to want this for himself.
Instead, he has gone on a bender. Drinking everyday. Thursday night was tough. Friday he woke up fairly early and was obvious drunk before I left for work at 1:00 pm! I told myself -and my son- that when I got home from work if he had not straightened himself up we were going to leave and spend the night someplace else. Well, i came home, the animals had not been fed, and there was AH passed out on the bed with a bottle of vodka next to him. Ugh. So we packed up some stuff and left.
Of course around 8:30 pm he had woken from his drunken stupor, found my note and drove to find us. I didn't let him in the house, just talked to him through the security gate. He basically needed to know that I will come home tomorrow. I told him I said I would be home after work, but I won't stay if he is actively drinking. He said he knew that and left for home. I told him not to drive the car anymore!!!
I went to work the next morning (Sat) and my kid stayed at my parent's house with the dog. In the meantime, I went back and forth with myself about calling in a family member to do a welfare check on AH. After he was fired, he nixed my idea of letting his family know so that he can garner some support. I tried to stay in my own lane and respect his wishes, but after Friday night's fun and games, I was really worried for him. So Saturday while at work, I texted his adult nephew (his nephew was the one to help him into drug rehab last time). I guess the nephew went and spoke with AH, and in the process AH had mentioned that in the past few days, he had thought of taking his own life. Now, the nephew is one family member on his side that AH cannot bullsh^T. So nephew spoke with me and we agreed that AH has to be "forced" into a treatment program or he will face death. I say "forced" because it will take me telling him he has to leave and do this or else. I am completely ready to do this. Nephew called me just before I left work and told me my son texted him that Dad had left the house shortly after nephew left... but then came back. I told him that was his MO... he was probably getting drunk by now. Nephew was incredulous!
So, even though I said I wouldn't stay in the house, the nephew thought that there might be a possibility that AH would follow through on his suicidal thoughts... so I stayed. Nothing happened except sleeping next to a stinking drunk.
Today (Sun), I had to work, but I asked AH how much was he thinking of harming himself (a little, but not serious it seems) and I told him it was imperative that he not drink so that he could keep a clear head... I know, can't control that! We then talked of his nephew and I looking into rehabs for him to go into - I guess none have a bed until possibly Monday. He seems to know that's what he needs to do, but the more sober he gets, the less he agrees.
So hopefully a bed can be had in a free rehab facility. And I hope that his nephew can get him to go. I will certainly do my part.
Sadly, AH cannot get unemployment benefits if he is in rehab. He afraid to go to rehab for fear of leaving us without a means to support ourselves. Kind of a Catch-22. Sad really. But I reminded him that we've been in this place before, and son and I have survived, and AH got clean!!
My goals are to be strong and give AH the ultimatum when his nephew comes to take him, to apply for CA SNAP and Aid, and to try to increase my work hours or get an additional job. I also have to keep attending my meetings, as I know I can accumulate a huge amount of resentment in this time... he gets to float around rehab and work on himself, and I get to work multiple jobs, apply for welfare, find some sort of healthcare, try and meet all our debts, keep a roof over our heads, nurse the dog who just had surgery back to health, get the kid going in his senior year of school, help him hunt for colleges... the list goes on and on!
Please say prayers for an "easy" day for me tomorrow!
PNP
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 6th of August 2017 08:43:54 PM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((PNP)) this is indeed a difficult road that we travel. Remember HP is in control. and I am sending positive thoughts and prayers for your family to embrace the courage to take the next right action
I agree with what Serenity and Hotrod say...this is a hard road, but just go it one day at a time...do the "next right thing" BY YOU, and let him learn his lessons.....and yea, the Creator is in control......I, too am sending up good energy for you to get things back to a better level.........HUGS of support
Thank you, Serenity, Betty and Rose. Your well-wishes mean so much! I am seriously not looking forward to tomorrow.
There is an odd thing about my AH... it seems that each time I have an event (or multiple events) that require all my focus, he has some sort of crisis! It really is unbelievable! Tomorrow my beloved Boxer is going in for surgery to have her cancerous tumors removed, my son starts band camp (2 weeks stint) in which I am supposed to volunteer before my work hours to get each band member fitted for their uniform. It is quite involved (requires multiple days), and I am the uniform chairperson.
I just hate that my AH does this even if it's not intentional.
Tonight I will close my eyes asking my HP to guide me through these days and to help me accomplish all that I need to.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Monday 7th of August 2017 01:48:39 AM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I found this out too, that when I began to focus away from the drinker towards anything else then the bad behaviours kicked in stronger. Its manipulation. Hes not a weak and fragile soul as he wants you to think. Hes a grown man, who has choices and hes behaving like a little child. You have a son, remember when he was 2 or 3 and you weren't giving him attention so he done naughty things? Same thing is happening.
He is driven by the status quo, he wants no change and its like a battle, hes pulling out his armour to keep you the enabler, it was how I lived for 20 yrs. The tears, he wants your sympathy, the suicide suggestion, he wants your fear. When a person is in a state of fear they are easy to control. Its classic really but so hard to see when we are in the middle of it.
When we live this way we cant see objectively. We see through these distorted glasses that tell us lies. We see the drinker as a poor helpless soul that needs us. This is a lie. Or we see them as evil and want them dead, I did anyway. Either way, its all quite extreme and dramatic and its all wrong. Its the disease of alcoholism poisoning every person it touches, again sounds dramatic but Its powerful and it got and beat me and my family down. There's hope, theres alanon, theres the steps that will get you out of this mindset that keeps you trapped. earn about the disease and what it does to fthe people who live with it, forget how it effects hi, that's the easy bit, he gets out his face first chance he gets. End of story, knowing more about him only keeps you from knowing more about you and this is the only way to freedom. Its all about you PNP, all the answers are in you not him.
Sending tons of prayers and positive thoughts your way PnP...my best suggestions include self care, gentle with self and one day or moment at a time. (((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thinking of you and your lovely Boxer Dog
Hope you can keep the focus on you - it sounds as if someone is trying to steal a lot of your time at the moment ((((hugs))))
IamHere, T2T & milkwood - thank you! Your support makes my heart feel better!
el-cee - Oh, how I loved your response...I have to remember that he has become a master manipulator, and I am the puppet. He is a grown man, despite how sick and fragile he acts. He knows this is of his own doing, and how much he has hurt his family and others... but the disease wants him to forget, or at least gloss over it... it's amazing!
I got my dog to the vet for her surgery, I will pick her up after work tonight. I asked my HP to look after her (and me).
AH was just sitting on couch watching TV this morning (but not drinking). He is very ill. He has the shakes, vomiting etc. He is detoxing it appears. Since I didn't really see any change in his behavior except not having some vodka next to him, I decided to take the bull by the horns:
"You do know that your nephew and I have been contacting rehabs and are waiting for a bed, for you?"
"What? What do you mean!" he says alarmingly.
"Yes, your nephew talked to you on Saturday, and then I did as well Saturday night."
So long story short, he says he is already detoxing and doesn't need to go into a facility. He is only interested in getting psychiatric help (we are pretty sure he has a dual diagnosis going). I explained all the reasons why this was not going to work, and he just said, "Give me a couple days to wrap my head around this." I told him this was all discussed on Sat. and he's had a couple days. I then explained that the facility will be a state-run facility, so if a bed becomes available you will have to take it... another one may not come up.
More push-back.
I then told him, "Fine, I can't make you go and get help. But one of three things will happen: 1) you enter rehab, 2) you leave this house, or 3) if you won't leave, I am going to move myself to my mom & dad's place. Period. When your nephew calls or comes by, you can hash this out with him, because those are MY 3 options.
The good part, was I was able to say this in a calm, almost loving way, and I was able to state my position clearly. I then walked away and began my daily routine before I go to work. I also began looking at my debts and how much I will make this month.
AH ended up getting off the couch, doing some laundry and shaving. I guess he is preparing? Who knows.
I then took three of his medical bills and told him he needs to call them and let them know that he is no unemployed and he will do his best to send in monthly payments. I told him not to promise an amount or a due date. Just tell them you will do your best.
So now I wait.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - Your share reminds me of the serenity prayer - Serenely accepting that which you can't change, Courage to change what you can and the Wisdom to know the difference....Keep doing you and enjoy the progress!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
B/c honestly, most days I feel like the chaos of living with this disease is going to just sweep me away! Baby steps, my friend! Baby steps!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I again completely understand the "when I have an event he has a crisis". My ABF does exactly this. When I organise a night out, he's too drunk to look after the dog. Anyway, you are doing really well coping with all you have been given. I hope your dog is fine and I look forward to updates. YOu are a strenght for me and your sharing helps me cope too, xxx
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
((((hugs))))