The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still struggling with letting natural consequences for decisions my wife makes play out. Luckily, HP has provided many opportunities for me to practice not rushing in and "saving" the day.
Most recent from this morning: she was due to get off probation in the fall, and with no violations. However, the courts have extended her supervision time because she has not paid the fees and fines in full. She knew this could happen. I set a boundary that I would not be paying for anything related to her latest OWI, and I weakened on that once with covering the intoxalock payment for a month (I was supposed to be paid back the next day when she got her paycheck, but I haven't been paid back yet), but otherwise have been doing alright. She asked for help in setting up a budget, which I did with her back in January. I helped her to figure out how much she had to pay the courts each month in order to have the fines paid off by September, as well as how to cover other expenses and bills on her income. Even set up an excel sheet for her so she could track how she was doing and see the progress each pay check.
Then, she decided to cut back her hours to part time so she could focus on applying for jobs and completing an online training program. She's been sick a few times, and hasn't gone to work because of that. She took vacation time, which she didn't have, so that turned into time off without pay, and she did not follow the budget, not that she would have been able to, anyway, after cutting her hours.
I have been doing pretty good so far this morning with staying in my own hula-hoop and not letting her disappointment and frustration impact my day or my mood. There is nothing more I can do about the situation, and this is a natural consequence of not paying the courts. I am disappointed, because I have been covering all the household expenses for two years alone SO THAT she would be able to take care of the fines and fees, but I am also not surprised that she didn't follow through.
On the positive side of things, I am traveling to a conference this fall, and I was not sure what to do with the pups while I was gone, since she wanted to come with me. Well, that's not happening now (not that it was likely to, Canada tends to turn folks away at the border for DUIs in the last 10 years), and so HP has offered a lot at once here: I get to practice letting natural consequences play out, and I am spared from a conversation about why she can't go to Canada (will leave that to the PO), and she has the opportunity to learn how to take care of financial obligations.
Today, I am very thankful to Al-Anon for the tools and slogans that help me make my day my own and let me leave to other people what is theirs to sort out.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Great, powerful share Skorpi - thank you for your ESH. I see tons of growth and have it a bit easier as my main recent qualifiers (my sons) are both out on their own figuring out how to do the money thing. I too have helped with plans/budgets and when things go different, they react. It's easier for me as I mostly get to here the disappointment/anger over the phone!!!
I am reminded of my own situation many, many years ago....I arrived at the other side of the house with a nudge from a judge. I too was on 'papers' for a while and had to fund my way out while paying other bills. It was a great growing up lesson and I truly did learn who to pay and when for the best possible outcome. Had I not gone through that when I did, my spending habits/patterns might be very different today. I was frustrated with my parents for not helping 'then' and yet today, I'm grateful that I had to figure it all out on my own!
I believe I'm seeing program in action and it looks really grand on you! Keep on keeping on! Excited that you get to do some travel this fall - sounds awesome! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Skorpi-What a great topic that applies to me as well. Letting go and letting God is what you are talking about here. I guess detach with love is also a goal for me. At times I can leave my A totally alone with her poor decisions, and lately I am having a rougher time. She has been sober for 8-9 weeks, and now has befriended her former drinking buddies and plans to socialize with them. She just doesn't get it, and I can't change her. It's very frustrating. I have my tools and will keep taking care of myself. Alanon has become a priority in my life. Lots of tools come to mind, the three C's, ODAT, Live and let live-I get to practice them all on a daily basis! Lyne
Skorpi thanks for sharing. I really love the way you worked the program in this area. It must have been difficult to stand back and not jump in. I often struggle with letting my AH deal with the consequences of his actions but whenever I do that is when I feel my best and I see my AH learn for himself. I also noticed you didn't point out her errors to her which I sometimes do to my AH thinking that I'm helping but it often blows up in my face and isn't the best approach anyway.
On a side note I am from Canada so WELCOME and I hope you enjoy your trip!! :)
Great post. To me it sounds like step 3. Giving over our will to a higher power. My will is to sort it all out my way. Things running the way I believe they should but to let go and allow the proper natural consequences to unfold as they should is becoming much more natural to me. It can be scary and feels like a leap of faith but when we learn about enabling and how it hurts people we can't unknow so for me I've got to try not too enable and often events unfold much much better that they would if I was running the show.
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your support and your ESH
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Lovely share Skorpi I love how you were able to see HP's action in the fact of your conference being held in Canada and how it worked out well for you after all. HP does work in mysterious ways. Positive thoughts on the way .
