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H is so up and down all the time with his mood. Every day I hold my breath hoping he will come home happy from work. Some days a coworker or customer will really get to him and he will come home upset and snap and pretty much anything I say or do. Those nights are so long because I feel like Im walking on eggshells trying not to upset him by simply walking too loud, or breathing too loud, or having some bathroom stuff on the counter that has been sitting there every day and he never said a word, but on those days hes upset he will say Why do you have so much shit on the counter? Every single thing I say or do upsets him. I cant help but feel I am the cause of his mood, when I know Im not. I have been like this all my lifeextremely sensitive to others moods. I used to get silent treatments from my mother growing up. They would go on for days and she would never tell me why she wasnt speaking to me. Those days I was so sick to my stomach. I couldnt concentrate on anything, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep because I just wanted her to talk to me. Then one day Id wake up or come home from school and it was like nothing ever happened. I was so relieved when that happened.
Other days things go great and he comes home upbeat and he thinks Im the best person on this planet. He cant stop saying how wonderful I am, how wonderful our house is, how wonderful the cats are, how wonderful our life is. He goes for spells where there isnt a sarcastic word that comes out of his mouth. No matter what I say he responds politely. But those come to an end in less than a week and then he is back to being sarcastic. He got upset with me for talking too much to him in the kitchen when he was taking our dinner out of the oven and plating it. Said he needed to concentrate! Too put our food on plates??? Then last night I told him I was finally going to order that pack of Keurig coffees for our Keurig and he goes sarcastically Its about time! when hes the one who said a month ago he was going to buy them.
I just cant understand where all these up and downs come from and these are when he hasnt had anything to drink.
He does what he does because it's what A's do .. I do what I do because as a codie it's what I do.
I was listening to a speaker today (Blanche) and she made reference to I based my mood on whatever her XAH's was .. she was always waiting for him to tell her how she felt .. it wasn't anything he said to create that it was the unspoken agreement that they had together.
I am so sorry you are struggling, until you make the decision to change nothing is going to change. You can come here, vent, share whatever .. if you make the decision not to go to a meeting not to read the lit not to do the things to instigate change .. well .. no decision no movement is still a choice.
There are no magic answers to "fix" your spouse. He's going to do what he's going to do .. the bigger question and what you can control is what are YOU going to do.
I just truly encourage you to go to a meeting and find out why it is you do what you do.
Keep coming back .. it works if you work it .. you don't have to be alone while you go through these changes.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey Mapper, if he is not in recovery, working on changing his life, the ups and downs will continue and the "i praise you- I curse you" modes will continue....he has the "isms" of alcoholism...booze causes all kinds of weird behavior as it poisons the body, even if he is not drinking, the behaviour problems are still gonna be there....nothing you can do for him, but you can do a lot for you...you can hang in with al-anon and work its meets, steps, slogans, read literature, get you back wtih you and basically let all he does and says be his yard, not yours.....it is awful living with someone who is that difficult....i have a sister, dying of cancer who is a "dry drunk" she is sometimes so sweet to me, its wonderful, than can turn on me on a dime...she never got into recovery, like I did and thank Creator I got into recovery because I do want to be support and comfort in her finaly days/weeks, but I can detach when she gets ugly with me....when you were describing him, i thought "boy, he is mirror of sister" now my daughter and her girls are giving end of life care (they all live in CA and I in TX) and my daughter calls me regularly telling me how difficult she is and always has been but worse now, and all I can do is listen and give my girl comfort and say "yea, she is difficult, but she is now drifting towards the end, so lets all try to love her with loving detachment" My daughter and I learned how to do that because we both are in recovery...her poor older daughter is tearing her hair out because she never got into al-anon like I did.....al-anon taught me I don't have to put up with crap..I can set boundary or just walk away...do my life as it suites me........hang in there....sending hugs of support
Oh do I hear you. LOL. This was one of the biggest issues I faced and struggled with. In my pre-recovery days, and even in my early recovery, I was all out to control my own behavior, actions, thinking, etc. -- yet alone deal with the volatility of her mood swings, agitation, anger, sadness, depression, hyper, and you name it, it was there at several times or another. I didn't know which person I'd be dealing with when I got home from the office.
So, how did I handle it? First, I stopped trying to figure out why this was happening. One, it didn't matter, it was happening. Two, I couldn't do anything about it, because it was happening. Three, I was powerless over it and couldn't fix it, prevent it, control it, etc. Fourth, you can't apply logic to an illogical person or illogical situation. I could go on, but to what end. Regardless, I stopped trying to figure out why -- because I was driving myself crazy, and I was getting very frustrated simply trying to figure it out and deal with it. When I stopped trying to figure it out, dealing with it -- believe it or not --became so much easier.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells ALL THE TIME. Anything could set her off or cause a volatile swing. I never felt I was truly the cause although most of the time she was saying why did you, why didn't you, you said, you did, and so on. But, that's acceptance. I don't let the accusations or blame impact or change my thinking, behavior and actions. Do I slip? Sure, but I am so proud it's brief and almost always there are no consequences. The problem for me was the good days or great days did not erase the others.
Now...all of what I am talking about...all of it...happened whether she was drinking or not! It is part of the disease, not just part of drinking or sober. It is part of the 'ism's. The alcoholic can have 'ism's whether they are drunk, sober, drinking, dry, in recovery, not, and so on. Now, does that mean everyone? Of course not. This is simply my experience, with my wife, and I have found it to be very common. Almost every beginner's meeting I go to, they talk about the 'ism's and how they are inherent, innate, and present whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Like we have long heard -- they do what they because that's what alcoholics do. I just stopped trying to figure out why. It's like a riddle with no answer...who's on first? LOL.
Focus on you. Try to stay in your acceptance, and detach. It is not easy. Spike up your face to face meetings. Talk to your sponsor. Look at you -- and try to let go of trying to figure it out. It's like looking at you and making change. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Something that has always helped me was to remember that alcohol is a powerful drug. If someone was to take a pill and act terrible an hour later, we would say that it is the drug or the medication. Alcohol intoxication can appear subtle because you get use to seeing someone when they are drinking, so the mood swings seem like it is part of their personality. I see that you said he was not drinking but maybe that is effecting how he acts to. My ex-abf was always planning his next drink, so if he was not drinking he was thinking about it. I hope things get better.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 20th of July 2017 06:49:09 PM
hey Sharon, I hear ya on the planning his next drink...my brother and my X's, even at work, occupied..they are thinking of "oh its 2 hours till quitting time" and they are thirsting for that first drink....they literally are a slave to their killer.....sooooo sad
Hey Mapper - inconsistency in behavior really, really threw me for a loop. Part of it was because I truly lived 'backwards' - I literally planned my day and my joy (unintentionally) based on others. It could be my AH or my A Son(s) - even I gave away my power to my parents and still others.
Recovery and those who came before me gave me the tools and permission to put me first. My wants and my needs - and then to fill my life up with things that enhanced my experience or brought me joy. My sponsor even suggested that if my person or people were moody and snappy, I could lace up my shoes and go for a walk or put in my head phones and listen to music or get out the vacuum - I could do whatever made sense to me to physically avoid the negative air....
Small changes I made brought about great return - when I stopped being baited and reacting, things changed. It all took time, is a process and keeping myself focused on trying different things helped me daily.
I hear you loud and clear and understand what you mean....meetings saved my sanity early on and continue to fill me up when I most need it! Keep coming back - you're spot on!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to being over sensitive with a mother like yours who possibly suffered from her own mental health problems. I gave my power away to people in my life. If they were happy I would be happy. If they were sad then I was sad . It's a horrible way to live. Dependant on other humans who are flawed and are entitled to be any way they want to be. I got help from all this in alanon. I learned that I'm an individual and my moods feelings happiness the whole lot is my responsibility and nothing to do with any other person alive. I get to determine me. No one else has the power anymore and I feel free . I hope you get yourself this spiritual program and get relief from this type of existence.
I found that I do have control over how I am going to allow someone else's moods affect me. I simply allow that person to have them, I look at them, and leave the room. I totally understand being enmeshed with someone moods but now I don't. I detact or leave. My body does not react and I go do what I was in the process of doing. They are the best manipulators. I think what really made me take a step back is my AH did not care about me at all. So why am I going to ride how he feels. I have learned to say it's his problem not mine. I used to latch on his feelings because I thought that it was about our relationship but no it about his relationship to alcohol.
Now he comes home in any mood it doesn't matter to me. I am happy for the most part and enjoy life. It was funny to me the more I didn't ride his emotions the more he tried to find away to get me to be that person all bent out of shape.
