The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this journey. My husband is an all day drinker (vodka martini & land shark) who retired last year which only gives him more time to drink. He has a history of anxiety and anger (neither of which he will admit). I am finally seeking help because I am tired of this life (20 years) and tired of the drunken rants of which I go into another room and lock it but he picks the lock and comes in and yells some more. He only does this when no one is home and we are recently empty nesters so the abuse is worse than ever. I do work full time but when I'm not at work he expects me to be at the bar with him. Or home with him. God forbid I go for a walk or visit one of my children or family. I'm tired. I don't want this life. help ....
Hi, Elr, and welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand how it feels to be so uncomfortable in your own home.
If you can, I would suggest finding your nearest Al-Anon meeting. That's what I did, and I found out that I did not have to go through this journey alone. If face-to-face meetings are not available where you live, there are also online and telephone meetings.
I learned some tools to cope better with my situation, so I could make decisions with a clearer mind. Just a couple of first-aid techniques I learned were to remember that "I didn't cause the drinking/behavior, I can't control it, and I can't cure it ... but I can change myself." And not engaging in crazy talk, but deflecting it with statements like "You may be right."
You've come to the right place here ... keep watching for messages from others.
Welcome newcomer-One thing I discovered I needed when I started in Alanon was patience with a capital P. I needed to feel better, I wanted to learn how to fix my alcoholic spouse, and I desired a peaceful new life. It takes a lot of time and work but joining Alanon has been one of the best decisions of my life. Better late than never! With everything available, which includes this board, face-to-face meetings, a sponsor, readings , etc., I do have a better life, and at times it is peaceful. It's a long journey but you have come to a good place to start. Lyne :)
Thank you for your reply. I don't think I can do in person groups. I'm so embarrassed. He is also hypersexual, especially when drunk (every day). He is 65 years old. I thought we could grow old together peacefully but his anxiety and drinking and wanting oral sex almost daily is wearing me out and I can't talk about that in a face to face group.
Welcome to MIP, I too am sorry that you are going through this - it does sound like ghastly and unreasonable behaviour. When I was in a similar situation I found it crazy making and exhausting to say the least!
I first came here several years ago and reading the posts of others helped me to see my own situation more clearly. I have also been to face to face meetings, but they haven't always been available to me so I have used these boards a lot, and they've made a big difference to my life. I love my MIP family!! By the way, there is no pressure to speak in Al Anon meetings, it is simply a very accepting space where you can come as you are . There are on-line meetings here - if you look in the yellow box in the top left hand corner of the screen you can see a link to the schedule. Again, there is no pressure to take part, or to voice any opinions - I think I just cried (tears of relief) through the first one I ever logged into without saying a thing!!
Isn't it a bore how abusive and controlling our A's can become?! Al Anon has helped me to learn to recognise and honour my own needs and boundaries - who knew? Not me!!!! The whole scenario seemed to creep up on me without my understanding what was going on, by which time I had forgotten that I had choices or how I could make a choice anyway. Once the penny started to drop that I was in an abusive relationship I remember reeling with shock that I, a professional Cosmo raised girl, could ever have landed up in so much hot water. And then the phrase "it takes two to tango" came to mind and I gently started to learn ways of stepping away from AH's dance. Step one for me was some rest and good food, just for me, because I was exhausted, and then I painted my nails!! .
It can, and does, get better. We all deserve some peace and you are not alone. As I read your post I found myself wondering if you could fit a padlock on that door - or will that just make things worse than they are already?).
Sending (((((Hugs)))))) . I hope you keep coming back.
welcome, and i'm sorry you're going through such difficulties. this is a good place and you're not alone. as for meetings, no need to talk or share at all, but you will find yourself surrounded by people who have been through similar troubles... and understand. nothing wrong with going just to listen. i did that for a long time - and still do it now - and it's always been helpful to me. it's a lot of pressure and stress when you feel you lack freedom and comfort in your own home. there is help and healing available... there's a lot of wisdom and recovery in the rooms as well as here. keep coming back and all the best.
I have a feeling there is more than the hyper sexual behavior that is going on .. for me I took my mess to my sponsor and tried to just listen at meetings, and share where I felt I had something to say or offer.
My belief is everyone can benefit from face to face meetings there is no requirement to share .. going and just soaking in the healing is BIG.
That's where sponsorship such a big part of healing .. I could say anything to my sponsor and know that's where it stayed.
Big hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome elrlagoon.......glad you are here....I hear yea...When my abusive Ex AH#1 was drinking, he too wanted sex more, not oral but sex and it was repulsive, I refused because he was #1 abusive #2 Icky when drunk..I just did'nt do it so he got worse and I packed up and left...Not all folks leave..some do (me) some don't, but the big thing is taking your life back ...so when I first went to meets, I was so brave on chat rooms and boards like this but a frikkin chicken in the meets...I would just sit and listen and then AFTER the meet, if I resonated with a guy or gal, I would hang out after meets and get good feedback from them (this was after I dumped both my X's and decided if I ever want healhy relationships, I need HELP) drinking will cause anxiety and depression, anyway because it messes with the body chemistry..if they are anxious prone, anyway, it will get worse as the drinking gets worse..the booze wrecks the nerves...hyper sexuality could be a by product of the anxiety, or he is just real "lusty" when drinking, either way, if he does not get help, he is gonna get worse...the booze becomes not his friend, but his poisoner as the disease takes its toll.....I do hope you can latch onto alanon and let him do what he has to do, you can't control him anyway, i would latch onto al-anon and re-claim my life because unless he gets help, essentially, I am on my own anyway..may as well be a healthy loner and I can do that in al-anon...I AM doing that in al-anon........glad you reached out.....IN SUPPORT
Hi, elr, I'm glad you have reached out :) This is the first step to getting better. As others here, I too suggest attending meetings. I have shared some things in meetings that I have been very ashamed about (not really regarding sex though) and have found to my complete relief that nobody judged me, instead, I saw understanding... This really helped me get better though it wasn't and still isn't easy. There really is help and hope in Alanon to people who have been affected by another's alcoholism. Hugs, ((((elr)))), keep coming back
. There are on-line meetings here - if you look in the yellow box in the top left hand corner of the screen you can see a link to the schedule. Again, there is no pressure to take part, or to voice any opinions - I think I just cried (tears of relief) through the first one I ever logged into without saying a thing!!