Excellent topic -- thank you so very much for posting this. For me, this is where it all began. I struggled, with everything -- both types of detachment, physical and emotional, enabling, setting boundaries, my intense and constant efforts to fix it, her, whatever was going on, my constantly wanting to prove to her that she and her drinking problem were the real problem, my non-stop wanting to be right, and so on. I struggled with all of it...until ACCEPTANCE.

I couldn't make any progress until I got a real handle, an authentic and sincere mindset of ACCEPTANCE. Once I did, everything else fell into place and I was able to do everything else without any substantial struggle. Why? Well, for me, I couldn't detach, because I didn't accept that I was powerless over her, her disease, alcohol, alcoholism, and everything else. Any effort to detach, was derailed and obstructed because I truly didn't accept that there was nothing I could do about her drinking. I admitted -- intellectually -- that I was powerless, but I truly didn't accept it. There is a difference. Admitting it was nothing more than simply stating and intellectually admitting that I was powerless -- for example -- that I am powerless over the weather. However, accepting it is something very different. When I finally accepted it -- I then stopped all of my efforts to fix it, her, stop it, stop her, I stopped doing everything I had been doing, which was also very frustrating and making me very angry, because all of my efforts were failing. So, after admitting it, I had to immerse myself in acceptance. I had to get to the point where I accepted -- and stopped trying to fight the acceptance, and the disease -- that there was nothing I could do about her drinking. She was only going to stop IF and WHEN she wanted to -- and there was nothing I could do about that. Period. That was purse and absolute acceptance.

To me, powerlessness, is a precursor to acceptance. Yet, they are both a mindset, a state of adoptive being -- which again, allows me to not fight it. That to me is surrender -- I surrender to it and embrace it in a way that my mind doesn't have that desire, want, craving, etc., to try and stop it, fix it, control it, and so on. When I finally arrived at this place of acceptance -- it was freeing, relieving, and it lifted a massive burden, what seemed like the weight of a chaotic world on my shoulders, off of me. When I arrived at this place of acceptance -- I was able to no longer enable, and no longer contribute to the drama, chaos and turmoil that was going on. Not only did I not contribute, I was able to not even participate. I didn't ignore her or the situation. I was simply able to be there for her in a way that was healthy for me and hopefully supportive for her. It was rarely good enough for her, but all of us understand that and why. I have found that unless I did exactly what the alcoholic wanted, then I got blamed, yelled at, attacked, accused, and so on. It simply wasn't good enough -- and thus, whatever was going on and whatever was going to happen -- was my fault! LOL.

Do I still get upset, angry, frustrated, etc. -- yes, I do. But I don't get consumed by it and it doesn't get to the point where I start thinking or doing unhealthy things. I don't abandon my healthy thinking and behavior. I am facing the right direction, the healthy direction, doing what is best and healthy for me -- and when I slip, or I get frustrated, upset, even when I want to "do" or "say" something, when I want to be right, prove my point -- I don't do an about-face and start facing the wrong, the unhealthy direction. I may have a slip, but it's brief. Even if it goes for a few hours, or even a day -- it stays with me, I own it and I accept it, surrender to it, and then I let it go. I go to a meeting, I call my sponsor, I make sure I talk to people in recovery who "get it" and those healthy conversations get me and keep me on-track.

My part -- well, it's all about me. LOL. I get to choose what side of the coin I am going to look at, study and continue to view. Thanks again for posting this.