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I am an ACOA, with many alcoholic family members. I don't drink. My husband drinks wine occasionally. I read with interest the thread where sponsors told people in Al- anon to " remove themselves from all things alcohol", because I have largely been doing this over the years. I also related to people who didn't want to go home due to their alcoholic, which is not my situation. My struggle is that we host 2-3 annual large holiday parties( because we have the most room and bedrooms) that have become a lovely tradition. Nearly everyone drinks responsibly. However, we have an alcoholic friend who drinks excessively every party, for years, and true to form, it is getting worse. I always hope she won't be able to make a party, but she always does, and I find myself dreading the party and wanting to leave my own home, even though I am the hostess. Last year, she fell hard on the deck outside and almost hit her head on concrete and I resolved to discuss it with her Prior to our July 4 party. I used "I" words and relayed my discomfort watching her drink, and reiterated my family history. She handled the talk really well, although in denial about how much she drinks, and said " No problem, I can drink less". She came to the party and did not start drinking at 10 am, which I know was a huge effort for her, but once the clock struck 6, she began and didn't stop until she went to bed at 1. We never discussed in advance my expectations for what "drinking less" constituted, nor have we yet discussed JuLy 4. She has now rsvp'd for Labor Day and I find myself in that state of dread again. My husband thinks I should just deal with it as I have been for years, and it doesn't bother him the way it does me. We keep inviting her because she is part of this friend group and so that so she is not embarrassed by being excluded, but this is what I want to do now- exclude her. I would love to hear what others have done in this situation. Thank you
Welcome to MIP Mary99 - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and can be fatal. If one wants to recover, they can do so and often end up in AA. The disease is considered a family disease as it reaches out and affects family and friends who live with or love the alcoholic.
We find our own recovery in Al-Anon and one of many program guidelines is we do not give advice. We instead share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with others to carry the message of recovery. I am a double-winner, meaning I'm affected by the disease directly as well as indirectly.
I can share that I was not invited to many things as my disease progressed. I can share that I was also not invited after I got sober. In both scenarios, I would only be guessing but believe it to be so because others were uncomfortable around me. Kind of funny but true - I was the 'life of the party' before and then I made others uncomfortable after.
I have an alcohol-free home for the most part. I've made 3 exceptions in 30 years. They were all family related. The easiest answer is it is your home, so your rules dictate. We learn in recovery to say what we mean, mean what we say and to not say it mean. In my scenario, I have to be very clear about my boundaries and I rarely, if ever, JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
With exception to my children, underage at the time, I've never applied rules for one person only. Keep coming back.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, welcome to alanon.....very very good question here...I've been in this situation where I had to choose....my serenity or someone elses feelings....
IF I were to toss a get together at my house , it is MY house and MY boundaries would stick.....No drinking....No smoking, but since this is a question about inviting an alcoholic , unwanted guest, at my home, I would not invite...it is MY home and MY aXX if someone gets hurt and tries to sue, or their injuries go on my insurance because they get drunk and get hurt on my property...so for the insurance liability alone, I would NOT invite someone who can't control themselves....end of story....its my home, my rules.....
If I had to "dread" a party, then why even have one if I am going to go through the angst before and during it???? you say she fell hard on the deck outside and nearly hit her head on concrete...I would take that as a "warning from the universe" that she is a accident looking for a place to happen.....and it could fall on you, financially, if she gets hurt on your property because you are allowing alcohol at the party.....hate to say it, but if this were me, I would not allow her to come....the liability issue...the angst about her drinking......AND, how important is her feelings when it comes to YOUR home, safety, sanity....not to mention the fun she will mess up for the other guests, getting drunk........My sponsor, too told me, if I really want a sane, healthy life, "remove all things alcohol from my life" period....No exceptions.....
if it comes up about why you didn't invite her, you do not have to J A D E!!! Justify your actions to protect you.....argue with anyone about your rights on your property....Defend your actions in protecting your assets......Explain to anyone, unless you want to, your desire to just not be around a drunk who may fall this time and hurt herself really bad.....You down OWE anyone explanation......
I have been in this situation where I have invited small, close people to my house to watch a good video....I DONT invite alcoholics , even if they BYOB....I don't want the hassle of a drunk , nor the liability if they do something stupid, getting drunk and falling and getting hurt.....If I have to "dread" having someone over, I'm doing myself a great disservice by inviting them anyway....."dealing with it as I have been for years" sounds like a sentence to me......JUST saying
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 18th of July 2017 08:29:34 AM
Thank you, iamhere. She is not family, and I only really see here at our annual parties, so I am Inclined to talk to her again kindly and ask that she not attend. Congrats on your sobriety
Mary I think that is a great idea. I agree with Mama that what is the point of having a party where you don't have fun at it due to her drinking. This may even be the wake up call that she needs or another consequence to her drinking that will eventually help her find sobriety. I imagine that having the conversation will not be fun but at least you will enjoy your Labor Day party.
Mary, I understand the dread of having a party and worrying what an alcoholic (or other sick person) might do. I don't have any successes or advice to share; my current "solution" is to not have any parties at my home, even though I have the space and resources -- so I would love to hear your experience, whatever you decide to do.
Being disinvited from gatherings of friends and family is a natural consequence of irresponsible drunken behavior. You are well within your rights to tell her she is not invited.
Even if she was (my alcoholic brother wants to come see me----I told him NO!!!) does being family give them the right to perhaps destroy property, get hurt and ultimately sue for medical costs, etc????
I see you as being very very kind and thoughtful...more so then this "friend"....I also see you as bright...you came here because you knew having her over was not a good idea....many others would have "sucked it up and dealt with the BS" but you came here to confirm you're already rational solution to this.....enjoy the party!!! and don't worry about ruffling her feathers....her choices are hers to cope with....not yours..........PEACE and glad you showed up here....WE are listening and we CARE
Thank you all. I am struggling to maintain compassion about her disease while honoring my own feelings. I guess it is all in how I say it. The support is
Really helpful becauseMyHusband is Willing to "just deal with it 2-3x a year". But then I will have a bad time at my own party
hey Mary, it is MORE compassionate to let the other suffer consequences, then let them keep sliding by, getting drunk, being a pain in the butt....MAYBE with a REAL friend like you, she will , hopefully, see that "hey I am getting dissed at parties, MAYBE I got a problem----ya thnk????"
One can hope...As to hubby?? He has his slant..You have yours...I am backing you because #1, its your home and your party #2, there is potential of liability if this gal gets hurt or hurts another party goer...You could get massively sued because you allowed this party...allowed alcohol on premises, etc....She fell once.....if that happened to me, I would be reeeeeely thinking about future party guest lists......I don't allow alcohol in my house, but thats me...If your other guests behave themselves, they, too, should feel safe from someone falling down and hitting her head or maybe pulling some other horror show....
Hi Mary, I relate to being an adult child also where it is common to feel GUILT for taking care of self.
Until I became aware I was doing it through ACA meetings, it was common for me to wear my miss nice mask and sacrifice myself... so others could be happy while I was not. (martyrdom and signing up for victimhood over and over.)
After years of inventory, I know how reactive and angry I get when I feel I'm being CONTROLLED, I get so angry. But today I have choices. I don't have to be controlled by another, I can be an actor and not a reactor all the time.
Mary what I did along with the support of my sponsor was made my decision after accepting that I would own the consequence. My sponsor told/taught me "Choose the consequence you want first and then make the decision". It wasn't and isn't perfect how ever he also taught me, "Before you have "rights" you have abilities...use your abilities". That's my ESH. When I arrived at the decision to separate myself from all things alcohol not everyone agreed of disagreed...we all went along with our lives and I don't have any objections on how its turned out for me. Make the choice with your HP what ever that choice is. (((hugs)))
Jerry f, the consequence I want is to not have this person drinking in my home again. The consequence I don't want is to have her bargain with me to attend or for other friends to criticize me for excluding her ( even though no one but me ever hosts). Thanks for helping me clarify that.
To everyone else who has taken the time to respond, thank you so much. I have decided I need to disinvite her and to tell her as compassionately as I can. And I already feel the weight gone! Thank you all!
Mary, it was my pleasure to be a part of your getting a better perspective on self care...its tough...and the REAL friends most likely will not criticize you for excluding her because #1, they probably feel the same...#2, perhaps they like you as a real friend and friends don't turn on another for having to take care of herself and protect her property...If I were one of those friends, I would look at the whole picture and say "yea, bless her heart, Mary put up with it longer than I would have and finally had enough of this gal and her antics--good on her"
Mamalioness, I believe the majority will understand my feelings and are worried about her. And maybe a few will worry I am silently criticizing their own drinking, but everyone knows my family history, so I will be optimistic. I will let you all know when and how it goes when I hear back from her. I put a call out an hour ago.
I believe that too...and for sure, they gotta be concerned for her..anyone who is a slave to the drink, yea, concern is normal....as to their drinking and you criticizing?? I doubt it...unless they have some guilt already there...It wouldn't make ME cringe if I were them...and please do let us know how it goes....I feel for you..This is not fun to do..to diss someone out of need, yes, but its still tough....I see you as one very kind soul........hang in there and let us know how it goes....Honest!! I would do exactly the same thing...I fought too hard and too long for what I have to have it taken in a law suit because I did not cover my A$$
Like many here, I understand the dilemma and how you are feeling about this. I've been in at similar situation, not only whether or not to invite an alcoholic, but inviting the alcoholic closest friend of my alcoholic spouse -- same friends, same group of people, etc. Without question she would know and find out, in advance of the party.
That said, I and other people didn't have a good time when this person attended in the past. It brought down the festive, joyous, happy, etc., feelings that people were having. There was drama, chaos, turmoil, discomfort, and more, simply because this person was in attendance and had too much to drink. For me, the "it's only one day a year" or anything along those lines -- to me, that is nothing more than justification, rationalization, and making something that I don't want to do OK to do. And, where I am at in my recovery -- I don't do those things any more.
I've set a boundary around this type of thing as well. It's my boundary, for me, for my party, my home, even if I hold the event somewhere else, it's still me. Liability aside -- and that can be a massive issue. As it pertains to the person, the desire, want, motivation, whatever you want to call it, of the one person, is not more important than the rest of the people coming. As much as I have compassion for the person who has this disease -- I also have compassion for myself. I feel sad for them, and while I choose not to invite them, I don't let that sadness consume me nor do I let it sway my decision, boundary, etc. Drinking too much, and all the things that happen from that -- not being invited to parties is a common and natural occurrence. While I wouldn't overthink it, and wouldn't entertain the discussion -- I don't have to "host" and create the environment where an alcoholic will drink too much. I don't want to gamble that the person might be OK, might behave, or that my party will be the day where they can control themselves. I am sure there are days where they have -- but I don't want to be vulnerable to the disease.
When in this situation -- unfortunately, I decided not to invite the person. Not that it mattered, however, others supported my decision as well.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Situations like this is where I have learned to practice to grow in recovery using all that I have learned with the situation. I learned that the ESH and tools I was given all worked for me and that is what my recovery is about; to end the enabling which resulted in situations staying the same or getting worse no matter how I intended differently. At the viewing for my step fathers funeral two of my nephews seeing that I wasn't drinking came over and offered that they were considering no longer using and drinking in the future while my young niece came over and asked, "Uncle Jerry how come you don't drink anymore". She was lit already and tipsy and I wasn't up much for a 12th step except to ask her, "if I told you the reason what would you do with the answer"? That of course wasn't appropriate on any level other than to see if I could start her own questioning about her own drinking. She just wanted another drink after it. Oh well.
Do the best we can and turn the solution over to HP. (((hugs)))
Whew! It's over! We spoke and I told her while I was grateful that she didn't start drinking at 10 AM on Fourth of July (as she often does) her idea of drinking less (as she promised to do prior to attending the weekend) and my idea of drinking less were very different. I told her I was very uncomfortable with the amount that she drank that evening ( I didn't lay out that it was 4 bottles of wine, plus beer and scotch between 6 pm-1am). She cut me off and said "I am a grown woman. I respect you and don't want you to be uncomfortable in your house. And I don't want to walk around on eggshells. I get it and I won't come back." It ended civilly. And all your group advice not to JADE came in handy when she said "I just don't get why you single me out." I refrained from explaining or getting anyone else involved and simply said "I have been feeling this way for years, not just the recent few parties." I can't thank you all enough for the support! I fear without it, I would've chickened out again and been really unhappy at Labor Day. Gratitude and hugs, Mary99
Wow, Mary, you are my hero! What a great use of "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly." You give me courage that I could do this one day, if the need arises. Thank you for letting us know how it worked out.
Thanks for circling back and giving us an update! I wish you the best Labor Day party possible!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mary, I am so happy it worked out as it did...I think you handled it superbly and kindly ...and yea, her response I am not surprised at...Isn't it funny when its convenient, it is all about them...when it is not convenient, all of a sudden they are "singled out" instead of just looking at themselves...Recovery would help her be honest with herself and others and I hope she can be led into reaching out to AA and helping herself but that is her issue, never yours and I am glad you separated yourself from her issues......GLAD it worked out...you did GREAT!!!!!! so NOW you can relax and plan on having a great time at your party
